She Cheated Now what?

[Redrains]

I have been married for 10 years now. My wife told me that she had, had one partner sexually before myself and it was from a rape. Well 9 yrs into our marriage my wife start chatting it up on Myspace and various other social sites and long story short she started talking to this guy and I didn't approve and she didn't care, after about 3 mths I found out that when we where dating that she had left me waiting at her house to pick her up while she was in the park "fucking" this guy. Well I had to, one get over the fact that I though I was her first, aside from her rape. Secondly I had to get over the fact that she lied to me in the first place and thirdly that she was talking to him again. I pleaded with her to stop talking to him and respect me and stop, she said she would, then I caught her again 2 days later, and she once again said she was sorry and she would stop, once again I caught her a day later, and once again she said she would stop, and 2 days later I caught her yet again. I demanded she delete her MySpace page. She did after some fuss, about 2 weeks later she made another page, I didn't catch her talking to him again, but 5mths after that I caught her meeting him at Walmart and Sonic, then she went to his house. She swears she didn't fuck him again, but I can't seem to get over it, I want to stay married, I want to continue to be with her, but I can't trust her, and she wanting to go out with her friends who are losers. She's complaining about me be being to clingy and to protective. I won't let her go to bars or clubs alone with her friends and she saying that she thinks she wants a Divorce unless I back off. I'm probably an idiot for staying with her, since she never even really appoligized for meeting him in the middle of the night. She just says, they where talking, and that I need to get over it and she won't do it again. That she has a right to go out at night to the bars with her friends. Also about 6mths after this incident I caught her searching his name on myspace, she said she just wanted to see what he was up to. WTF. Keep in mind I would like to make this work, we have 4 kids together, how do I cope and "back off", the more i push the more she say's she going away and she may acctually go fuck someone just so i'll leave, I don't want this to happen what do I do?

[Beagle]

Redrains: The two of you are going to need more help than you can get on an internet forum. One thing I can assure you of is that at this point this problem is simply not going to go away.

I have entered into therapeutic relationships with numerous couples after affairs. I can guarantee you that, right now, you don't know what is actually driving this problem. Several years ago, I left marriage/family therapy and returned for training in trauma therapy, so I have some familiarity with both the issues present here.

One possibility here is that she is having problems related to the rape. Rape is, in it's essence, a boundary violation and people who have suffered this may have difficulty with interpersonal boundaries. Sometimes women find themselves engaging in compulsive sexual behaviors following a rape. IF this is the case, than this will require professional attention.

A second possibility, and I'm sorry for having to say this, is that she really wants to be with him but doesn't see her self as able to leave the relationship with you, due to the children, finances, the social and religious stigma of divorce, etc.

A third possibility is that she doesn't want to be with him but she see's him as meeting a need that she can't meet within the context of your marriage.

The only way this will ever get better is to look at the situation for what it is, without denial or hopes that it will just get better. You need to be prepared to hear things that you'd rather not hear. One very real possibility is that actually looking at these issues will push one of you to leave the relationship.

Now, I'm going to lay some information on you. Only about thirty percent of couples are successful in repairing their marriage after an affair, even with skilled help. When couples reach the point of divorce but don't follow through with it, in five years eighty-five percent of them describes their marriages in positive terms. This drops to thirty percent after their has been an affair. You won't know unless you try.

Even Jesus recognized that sometimes marriages have to end after affairs. My experience is that when couples enter marriage therapy is that things go one way or the other very rapidly. My experience has been that couples either say "I can't believe we actually though about divorce" or they decide "we really can't go on like this" when they start to examine their relationship.

I really wish I had a magic solution for you. The reality is that challenging the status quo may lead to a resolution or it may lead to the end of your marriage. If I told you anything else, I would be misleading you. I wish you the best.

[Redrains]

thanks for the advice on that, how do you think i can "back Off" to give it a chance, I relize the more I push the faster is going to go down the drain. I just wish there was a magic little pill that would allow me to not go into a panic attack everytime she wants to go out with her friends. Her friends say that like me and acctually want me to tag along, but she doesn't want me to. I guess she knows that the only reason I'm going along is to make sure nothing happens, but I usally lightin up a bit after being there and have some fun to. I just don't think that going to a bar with a buch of single women when your married is a very good idea. She's married and there not nore have the ever been so they don't understand. Still I wish there was something I could do to back off and just at least "try" to help things work out. Do you have any advice on that? I know that I should just let her go, thats step one, which i can do, i have to force myself but i can do that, the second thing is, once I do that, I have a panic attack, I don't want to and I get mad about it, I want to control it and I can't, the panic usally lasts until she's home and its usally the next day after i find out what happened that night before it subsides, I go completely nuts, I just can't get my mind off of what she's doign when she's out, part of the problem is, she was using her friends as an excuse to leave and go out with that other guy. So know I don't "really" know if she's with her friends or him. I just know that if It's going to work I have to back off and give time for her to decide on her own what she wants. I just can't seem to let go.

[Beagle]

Several years ago, I was waiting at a service station when I picked up "Dear Abby". So I was obviously desperate for something to read. Her advice to a man in this situation was "either make peace with your wife's behavior or end your marriage."

If she has made her mind up to cheat, there is no way you can stop her. Obviously, you don't trust her. With good reason. FYI, I was on the dirty end of "Going to see friends" too. It doesn't feel good, does it.

[Redrains]

Your right,I can't stop her, but I'm scared to be alone, I use to get all the girls i use to be "hot", now its been 10 yrs since I even thought about dating, obviously I would like to keep my marriage going, I love her more then anything. but I'm scared to be alone, all i have heard for the last several yrs is how stupid I am, and fat and ugly, and she's right, i weighed a good 185 10 yrs ago, now I'm 240 and its all in my guy "beer belly" and I don't even really drink that much. I use to make straight A's in school, but I started College to be a Doctor and I can't even think straight, its always on her, so I bombed out. I guess I should just take the hint, and get out, before we drag it on another 10 yrs. and still end up the same way. I'm just afraid after this, what's left.

[Beagle]

I'm right there with you. I'm just coming out of a thirteen-year relationship with someone who was having an affair. I was very successful at dating before, but now it seems that there are a whole new set of challenges. That's how I got involved in this forum. I was posting a question about resuming dating after middle age. It's definitely a whole different game. I'm finding that my age now know what they want and will talk directly about it. There's less of the strategy.

The biggest obstacle is how few women in our age group are single. In college, easily 80% of the people are single, so there are lots of opportunities. Now, it's a challenge just to meet people.

[FemaleOrgasm]

She has no respect for you.

[Redrains]

I don't know how some peps feel about religous things, but I'm willing to try anything, I believe in God, so I'm going to give it a shot! I watched a movie over the last couple of days called "Fireproof" its about fire proofing your marriage, it is a AWESOME movie about marriage, neither party respects the other and they bring there marriage back from at the point of signing papers to being in love more then ever before, its not a fake romance its a true story base on a book called "The Love Dare" by Steven Kendrick & Alex Kendrick i think it will work, its an awesome concept if anyone is reading that is having the same kind of problems I am, check out this book, it's AWESOME. It will bring a new hope and a new chance to make things right, I'm on day 3 and believe it or not, its already made a bit of a difference, I DARE you to try it!

[Beagle]

There's absolutely no reason not to try a faith-based approach. I've seen them be very successful. Just remember, you can't control another human being's actions. You can influence them, but they ultimately have control. Since you believe in God, you also believe that humans were created with free will. We can influence other people's behavior; not control it.

One of my friends has an open marriage. I once asked him how he deals with his wife seeing other men. He just looked at me and said "She knows where home is." I personally couldn't do this, but that's how he found peace with it.

If you keep stewing about things you can't control, you're going to run yourself crazy. You can only control your response to her behavior. That can either take the form of accepting the situation or setting boundaries. A boundary can include "If you cheat again, I'm gone." However, if you set that boundary and don't follow through, you will never again have any influence with her.

You wouldn't believe how many couples I see who know their partners see other people at times. I also see plenty that would end the relationship if one strayed, and that do end the relationship if one strays. No one can make that decision but you.

I am glad you're taking action. I do think you need to be prepared, however.

[Redrains]

Yeah, I don't like the idea of a Open relationship, my wife says that she doens't want another man, she was just lonely and he "use" to be a friend. This has been a yr ago, and I have seen no sign's of him anywhere since about 4 or 5 mth's when she searched his name on myspace, but when I try to have sex with her, she doesn't want to, which I see why, she tells me I can have sex with whomever I want just as long as I don't get her sick. I don't like this idea either, ( honestly think, if I did, she wouldn't agree, even though it was her idea), I'm going to try this out, I think it will work, and if not, your right, I can't change her, only influence, so I'm going to attempt to influence her, and if it doesn't work, at least I tried. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.