I came out but they don't believe me.

[Brittany in Pennsylvania]

Ok, to begin with, I've been dating my girlfriend for approximately a year and a half on and off. I really do believe that I love her, but here's the problem: My parents. My parents are religious fanatics who believe all homosexuals, unless they turn away from homosexual activity, are going to burn in hell. So for about a year I dated my girlfriend feeling guilty because I had to keep it from my parents. My parents noticed that I was really close to her and began to question me. Shortly after my 1-year anniversary with my girlfriend they were planning this huge talk-thing about my sexuality and I told my mom that I was dating my "best friend." Well, she got mad and told my dad and they told me that if I didn't stop dating her either A) she was never allowed in the house again or B) They would kick me out (knowing full well I don't have the money to go somewhere). They told me that they don't believe that I'm gay. Pretty much stating that I'm crazy or something. I'm not really gay, it's just in my head or something like that. About a month after I broke up with my girlfriend I was so miserable without her that I got back together with her and now it's harder to hide it from my parents, but my parents seem to refuse to accept that I'm a lesbian. They have friends who are gay, my dad is a pastor and he doesn't care if a gay couple comes in and sits in his church, but if I tell them that I'm back together with my girlfriend they'll kick me out. I really hate to lie to them, but I'm terrified to tell them the truth. What should I do?

[lost in indy]

wow i'm sorry to here that. but i went through and am still going through something similar. my boyfriend is my best friend and my everything. but my family doesn't approve. the only thing i can tell you is to perservere. parents are tough but you should try to facilitate a completely open conversation with no arguments allowed with them and talk about how you feel. if they aren't open or accepting after that. it makes me question how Christian they really are. Christians are supposed to be loving and accepting. Not saying that the should facilitate your behavior but they should atleast respect you. I say this not to affend but to voice my opinion. wen i came out to my parents about being bi, they gave me a speech said they still love me and prayed. maybe your parents should take the same approach and you take the same for them to be open to you and your girlfriend's partnership
best of luck

[FemaleOrgasm]

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Be true to yourself. Your parents will probably never accept your sexuality and while you're dependent on them, you will have to live a lie.

[Beagle]

Brittany: First, let me say how sorry I am that you're having to go through this. I've counseled with many families who were experiencing a child "coming out."

How we feel about things depends on what we believe to be true about the world. If your parents believe "People who are homosexual go to Hell" then their concern is perfectly understandable in that they hope to someday be with their child in heaven for eternity. Remember, it doesn't matter if the belief is "true" or not. People respond to what they believe, not what is objectively true. Knowing this enables you to give them some understanding. Just think about how you would feel if you honestly believed one of your parents, or maybe your little sister or brother, was going to burn in hell for eternity. That may give you some insight into what's going on with them.

You aren't going to be able to argue them out of what they believe, and probably have believed all their lives. Them "accepting" your sexual orientation is probably not a realistic goal either, at least for the short term. Perhaps someday, they will come to respect it.

Rather than trying to change your parents, you might want to try to focus on the things on which you can agree. The person is bigger than any label. You have many things about you other than your sexual orientation. You can engage your parents about school, pets, hobbies, etc. I think you will find that the best road is to agree to disagree. You should respect the limits your parents set until you are able to live independently. Then you have every rights to control who is in your space and your life. The reality is that when you live under someone's support, there will always be restrictions on their behavior.

As far as their not believing what you say about your sexual orientation, that is a perfectly typical response of parents from traditional backgrounds whose child discloses that he or she is homosexuality. It's common for parents to try to deny things they consider wrong or embarrassing. Sometimes it's easier to deny reality than to face it. A common response is for parents to try to persuade their child that they're really straight and are just confused. Some parents even try to bribe their child into not being gay. Remember, these are behaviors based on their fear and possibly ignorance.

Any relationship has to be based on mutual respect, or it's not a relationship. The same with your parents. No one can tell you how to feel. The other side of that is that you can't tell your parents how to feel. Sometimes the best course is to agreeably disagree. You can still be pleasant even though you don't agree with their beliefs about sexual orientation.

A support group can be very beneficial for kids who are "coming out." I hope there is one in your area. There's nothing like getting advice from someone who's been there.

I wish you the best. My deeply religious parents and I once had a falling out that lasted several years. I fathered a child without being married. They softened their position over the years, and I realized I didn't know as much as I thought I did. Even though we will never totally agree on everything, we were able to find enough common ground that we can have a relationship and they are very involved in my child's life. They need time to accept and process this new information. One thing to remember; girlfriends come and go but your parents will always be your parents. No matter how angry you get at them, it's nice to know there's somewhere that you can go that's "home."