Abandonment? Or coming back?

[notnwthurt]

My bf is currently gone and working out major issures in counseling(involving me and past issues he never dealed with), but doesnt want to speak, see, or communicate with me in any way. At first he was communicating,but now I don't know why it changed.He says he still loves me and cares about me but right now hasnt decided if he wants to even try to work out our problems. I love him a lot and dont want to lose him. I was going to send him little packages with paintings from our son, and small little notes about the baby or jokes to cheer him up. He's been gone for 2 weeks straight with no communication besides what information family members tell me . I miss him a lot and its hard not to show him I care.Would it be a good idea to do this or should I just forget about him until hes ready? How would I go about feeling better about whats going on when Im so worried about what might happen without getting a chance to tell him how I feel?

Note: He's cut communication with just about everytone in his life( parents, my parents, his coworkers) not just me.

What would be the reason for shutting everyone out?

[Xero]

Something that I think could be terrible, some days I feel like this.

If anything I think he needs you most now. You should try to get him to talk to you.

When I'm usually like this even though I rather not talk to anyone, I would really like to talk to someone, who can understand and accept me for everything. So I think you should try to talk to him, and tell him no matter what you'll still love him.

I know I might not make a lot of sense it's just hard to explain.

[Beagle]

notnwthurt: Wow, what a terrible place to be in. You love him and you aren't sure how he feels about your relationship or even your child.

In regards to why he is doing this, I dont' think you have enough information to answer this. I can think of literally dozens of things. One is that he has done something he is horribly ashamed of and is unable to come to grips with it. Another is that he is wrestling with a mental illness and is trying to hide it. A third is that there is someone else. A fourth is that he is sincerely trying to figure the situation out.

I think you should send him the package from your son. That might help him to think that his actions are affecting people other than himself.

Other than that, I think the ball is pretty much in his court. I doubt anyone knows what he is going to do, even him.

In the meantime, my heart goes out to you and your son. I don't think there is a pain worse than the feeling of being abandoned. You'll find a lot of people who will help any way they can; whether that's through advice or just being there. Please let us know how things go.

[notnwthurt]

Originally Posted by Xero

Something that I think could be terrible, some days I feel like this.

If anything I think he needs you most now. You should try to get him to talk to you.

When I'm usually like this even though I rather not talk to anyone, I would really like to talk to someone, who can understand and accept me for everything. So I think you should try to talk to him, and tell him no matter what you'll still love him.

I know I might not make a lot of sense it's just hard to explain.

You actually make complete sense, and Im actually very glad to get an opinion of someone who does go through the same thing so now i understand from his perspective.Thank you very much.

[FemaleOrgasm]

then don't be surprised if he's not happy to see you. You could try "surrogate tapping". Check it out at EFT Home - World Center for EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques).

[notnwthurt]

So the other day he came over to pick up mail, and I asked him four times if we could talk and he just kept saying no. Eventually he said yes, so we went upstairs and he told me that he didnt think were gonna work out, and that we cant be together.

I asked why. He said becuase he can't trust me, and he doesnt want to get hurt again. He had asked if he could take the baby out for frozen yogurt and I said yes so he got the baby an outfit. I asked why cant he talk to me and he said because I havent gone to anger management and arent ready to talk. I got mad because he is physically and verbally abusive to the baby, and so he should go to anger management before he can take the baby out. Thats fair and thats his reasoning anyways, so he should agree. But of course he always has double standards and yelled at me that he was still taking the baby. I pulled the clothes from him, and he walked out the door. I was scared that I made things worse and he was gonna storm out and leave. He went to say bye to his parents and went outside and sat for a while, with his mom. He dug with the baby where I went to him and whispered"Can I ask you something?"He agreed.

I asked if he was lying when he told me he was coming home sooner than I thought.(He said that last friday. He said he wasnt lying but changed his mind. I said it would be common courtsey to tell me instead of giving me false hope and keep leading me on. He said sorry.I asked if he loved me and thought about me every night.He said yes. Theres a lot of conversating so I cant remember everything.

Then we went in the house and I was standing on the stairs and talking to him,cause I'm short. I asked if he was happy at Brians(his friend) becuase that just bothered me when Brian said he was happy with him.He said yes so I was really hurt but asked how can you be happy there? He said he misses us and is sad but isnt really happy , just fine.I asked if he's having fun and he said"No! The funnest thing I did was got stung by bees" I laughed. He was helping Brian move 12,000 Bees and they attacked him.We talked more then I told him about the other night the baby rolled out of the bed,and hat made him laugh. We talked more.

Then he asked for his shirt. I asked "what shirt?" And he said his nice one. He was talking about the Calvin Klein dress shirt that I got him the month before he left for our 4year anniversay. I asked if he wanted me to go get it for him, and he said" No,I'll come"
I got a little happy cause he didn't have to come,so it was very obvious he wanted to come,Right? I asked if he was going out with someone or seeing someone or trying to impress someone, cause why else does he want a dress shirt? He said cause he wants to feel handsome cause he's been feeling like crap for the last couple weeks. I said so, becuase I've been feeling like crap too, and that I'm not dressing up or even wearing makeup cause I did that for him and he made me feel good, not dressing up. Then he said that I made him feel handsome in that shirt and he wanted it to be reminded of me. That made me feel better but,why would he want to be reminded of me since he doesnt want to be with me or even give me the chance to fix things with me? He actually didnt even take his shirt, not sure if he forgot or if that was an excuse to talk more.


We talked some more after going back downstairs. He made a joke about me checking him out, which made him happy and then his mom walked by. Then he said bye to everyone, and I walked him out to his car. We talked a lot more.
We talked about miscomunication, which is the casue of everyones confusion, and that if he THINKS something just ask so he can KNOW the answer. He played a joke on me by cleaning his windows ,and I got hit by the water. We talked about things that bothered him.

One is thats he wants more alone time, to go hang out with friends, and wants me to make more friends. I got mad cause he works 6 days a week and the other days we have to cram time just to do basic things like shower or eat dinner together, then we might have time to spend together.If we have very little time for eachother already why would you want to take the little time we have and hang out with his friends. He works with his friends for 9 hours a day.They go out to lunch together. He spends time with his friends, and I want to spend time with him cause I dont get time with him. He said we'd have to compromise, and I said "Well why cant i come with you? I'd make more friends, you'd get to spend more time with your friends, and we'd get to spend time together." Everyone wins. But he said he doesnt know.

He started trying to tell me something then held it back and started stumbling with his words.He told me he wants to have sex with me(weird) .He was very embarrased about that,and wouldnt go into details.

I asked why he doesnt come over more, and he said cause he's not ready to talk, but I pointd out again that he was, otherwise he wouldnt have talked. And I asked if he felt a little better and he said yes, but he gets confused.I said if he comes over more he'll get to see the baby talk to me and make both of us feel better. All he said was he needed to think about it.


So how does it seem things are going? I'm confused.

[Xero]

Originally Posted by notnwthurt

That made me feel better but,why would he want to be reminded of me since he doesnt want to be with me or even give me the chance to fix things with me? He actually didnt even take his shirt, not sure if he forgot or if that was an excuse to talk more.

So how does it seem things are going? I'm confused.

Things seem to be better between you two from your last post. I think you just need to keep on talking to him. Even though he may say he doesn't want to be with you, I find the shirt a symbol that he still wants you.

I would try to get him to talk more to you and about the issues he is having, it is better to talk about it and get help from someone rather than keep it to your self.

Try and tell him this and sit him down and get him to understand that, he might not want to hear it on the outside but I believe on the inside that is what he wants to hear.

Good Luck, and Good Job on getting him to talk to you.

[Beagle]

Originally Posted by notnwthurt

:I got mad because he is physically and verbally abusive to the baby, and so he should go to anger management before he can take the baby out.

You now have a legal and moral obligation to file a report with child protective authorities in your jurisdiction. If you fail to do so you can be criminally charged with failure to report and failure to protect the child. If you fail to report and the matter later comes to the attention of child protective authorities, your baby will be removed from your custody.

Please don't come back and say "It wasn't that bad." You have used the word abuse and it is now a child protective services matter.

[notnwthurt]

Am i supposed to file even though he only sees the baby once a week and for a couple of minutes. Casue he is never around anymore and its always with a group around, so he hasnt done anything in over a month, or just file anyways?

[Beagle]

That doesn't matter. The law doesn't make allowances for how often someone sees the child. Once you know abuse has occurred, you have a legal obligation to report. I was a witness for the state in a case two weeks ago where the mother was criminally charged for not reporting abuse of her child. Since you have used the word "abuse" in your post, you have obligated yourself to report. There is already enough in this thread to prosecute you and subpoena me as a witness. (It's fairly easy to trace someone's identity if law enforcement wants to.) You need to file that report immediately just to protect yourself. When you file the report, just tell them that you didn't know you were obligated to report but someone just now told you that you were. I've never known anyone to be charged with late reporting, so I would think you would be clear.