High school sweethearts

[nate in colorado]

I am 20 and my fiance is 17 with our birthdays within the next 3 months. Her name is Amanda and she is the most beautiful and amazing person i have ever met. Seriously, I could never have imagined myself with a more attractive girl. We are sort of your typical high school sweethearts, well sort of. let me back up a little. My fiance and i met when i was 17 and she was 14. Before her i had only had one "real" girlfriend. From the moment i saw her i new there was something special about her. She was beyond beautiful and seemed to hide, behind her radiant eyes, a certain glow that left me not far short memorized. To make the story short, we soon began dating.
About a year after of dating I began to find myself feeling tied down. I felt as though my life was restricted by a "clingy" girlfriend. I wanted to experience things. I started to wonder what it would be like to date other girls and party more without the restriction of a girlfriend. I felt as though i was missing out in the experiences of life. As these feelings carried on the stress was baring down on me like a load of bricks. I snapped, broke up with her, and told her i felt as if i was missing out on life and i needed space. She was devastated but i felt as though it were for the best that i didn't lead her on. I was in a band we were touring and playing shows cross the country. I just wanted to have fun and didn't think i was ready for the serious relationship. Though the time we were apart i felt as though i had made a horrible mistake. I starting hanging out with other girls, going to parties and so on. Still i had this burning feeling that i had lost something, like a part of me was missing. Needless to say we got back together. It was pretty ruff from time to time. The ups and Downs happened so often i felt as though i was on a roller coaster. I now realize that i was starting to go through what i now call the "who am I?" stage of life that teens and young adults go through. Amanda stayed true and persistent and true through the whole ordeal.
I have now realized the difference between short term fun and long term happiness. Though the experiences and fun are nice i would never trade it for what I now share with Amanda. We are now graduated and for quite a while have been very happy together. I have decided to pursue a career in the military, focused on the medical field. We have decided to get married and start a life together. We planed a wedding and got engaged. We were both so excited at first. Recently though my worst fears were confirmed. After noticing she was upset we set down to have a talk. She said,"I've been thinking, We're really young, are you ready for this? I mean, when i was at that party last night i realized, I'm never going to get to do stuff like this again. I'm just worried I'm missing out on things getting married so young. You're the only real boy friend I've had, I never got to experience dating other people. I've been with you for so long i don't even know what its like to not be with you. I really don't even know who i am." I wanted to be surprised but for some reason wasn't. I instantly shot back to high school remember myself and my own emotions, she being about the same age that i had started feeling almost exactly the same way. This conversation happened about 5 hours ago and lasted for quite a while. I now feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. She says she still wants to get married and she isn't backing out but I know she still has the "what if?" mentality. I know this is one of the main downfalls of high school sweetheart relationships, and I'm naturally a bit scared.
I want more than anything to make this relationship work. I know we can not have a happy and successful marriage if she is more worried about what she missed out on. Should we go to counseling? Is there anything i can do to help her or should i stay out of it? With the wedding 4 months away and my plans of joining the air force on the line I feel there is a lot of pressure to get this worked out. Please, any advise would be greatly appreciated. And thank you for taking the time to read this, i apologize for the lengthy writing.

Thanks again,
Nate in Colorado

[Dan And Jennifer]

Hi Nate.

You really seem to be very emotionally mature to be so young! Wish I could have figured it out that early. :-)

(Thank you so much for the encouraging words that you've shared with others in the forums)

What's the rush to get married and sign that contract? Dan and I are a little outside of the traditional box on this one but here me out...

You love her and she loves you. It sounds like you have an open and honest relationship that most people never find. Marriage is not going to make that better... When people get married, some, not all, tend to get a little lazy and stop going to parties and having fun. In my opinion, that's a huge mistake. Don't ever stop dating. Don't look too far into the future.

If you can say before you go to bed tonight that you still want to see each other tomorrow - that's our recipe for a happy relationship.

I can't remember exactly how the quote goes, but it's something like this...

Yesterday is already gone.
Tomorrow may never come.
The only thing certain is right now, this moment.

I'm I totally butchered that, but you get the idea.

Until you are both 100% ready to get married - just be together.

Take a breath and relax. You do not have to get married and start making babies tomorrow.

OK - here's my P.S. - If you are going in the military and the only way that she can be with you is to get married, then so be it. Get married. Just please, please, don't forget to keep dating!

[K. in Cleveland]

I read Nate's post before but didn't really feel I had anything to offer as it took me 4 years to say yes to my love.. and I still don't want to "sign the contract" for a while yet... But I just wanted to say what an absolutely beautiful response that was.

That's a beautiful thought, to never stop dating. I guess that's part of the reason I've hesitated on engagement even because I always had that thought in the back of my mind.. but why? Why can't couples continue to have that dating relationship when married? Thank you.

Oh, the quote I like is similar... "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today is a gift, that's why we call it the present." I loved that one so much I made it a part of my life...

And now that I think of it, Nate, if you are joining the military and want to be with her usually the DoD does have a strict "spouses only" rule when talking about living arrangements... I went to school with a guy who did the same thing... but they called it a legal marriage and said that they were still engaged. They basically got married in a court room just to live together... but they continued their dating... and when his tour was up they had a big ceremony with all the family and friends and stuff... I don't know why I didn't think of him before. But that sounds like a good option.