True love over mind question. I could have write a book with my situation...

[LionMicha]

Here is my heart-hurting situation.

I have been with the mother of my son for almost 15 years. We met when we were in our late teens. About two years ago, we began something that has made me realize I wasn't really in love with my fiancee but more in friendship relation. Our sex life was very boring and we didn't make love. We rather fullfilled physical needs. So in order to give a little spice in this area we (actually it was more me than her) decided to arrange a wife-swapping experience with two close friends that were also together since they were teens (15 years old, now in 30s). The first time I slept with my friend's fiancee and he slept with mine, it has not been a really fun situation. But, for whatever reason, it rehappened a couple weeks later. It then began to be a routine. We met each and every friday night, had dinner all together and after dinner, one of the two "unofficial" couple went out for the night while the other "couple" stayed with the kids (mine and the two daughters of our friends). Saturday dinner was the "switch time". The couple that stayed with the kids were free to go out while the other "couple" stayed with the kids. Then, Sunday, at dinner, we were all together again and after dinner, each of the "official" couple went back in their respective homes with their kids. This lasted for almost a year. Weird as it sounds, neither of the "official couple" had sex together. We were exclusive to the other person who was not our fiancee. (Hope you still follow me in this pretty weird story).

As you can picture, it was not only a sex experience anymore but rather a living together and deep sharing experience. So, what has to happen, happened. My friend's fiancee and I fell deeply in love. We were not able to continue living apart for the week and only see each other in the weekends. What was to point to continue living with someone that you do not love anymore. And I am now sure that before all this began, I was not in love anymore with the mother of my son as well as my new love was not in love with the father of her daughters either. Both "official" couples had rough times in the years before. My new love left him three times in the last 6 years but came back only cause she was afraid of not being able to live by her own (financialy speaking). On my side, my ex and I were arguing a lot and splitting has been discussed many times before.

I know I have not done the things right. First of all, I kept saying to the mother of my son that I was still loving her but actually I didn't took any time to really evaluate my sayings. I always been the type of person that wanted everyone around me to be happy even though their happiness was maybe against my own happiness. So, I did not stand-up like I should have done and continue to say to her that I was still in love while it was not true. I know that I have hurted her deeply by not being a man but what is done is done and I cannot go back. I also know that we should (both couples) have addressed our relationship issues before doing that dirty wife-swapping thing. Also, at the beginning I did not know that I would fall in love as deep as I felt. If I have knowned that, you can be sure that I would not have done it. So please do not spit on me saying things like "you should have stayed away from your friend's fiancee" or "with friends like you, who needs enemies". I recall you that he was also living an alternate life with my fiancee and both of them were enjoying it big time.

You see, my new TRUE love and I decided that it was time for us to live our love to the fullest. We knew it was not a good thing for the kids to have parents separated but living what we were living at that time was not much better for them we guess. So she left the father of her daughters last April and 2 weeks later I left the mother of my son.

You see I thing that if my ex had fell in love with my now ex-friend, everything would have gone smooth. I know that he was in love with my ex (cause he told couple of people about it) but my ex was not in love with him (or maybe she does not know what love is). So now, we live our love to the fullest but exs (mostly my ex) have not accepted the situation and are REALLY angry and my ex even wish I die. You see, we (my new true love and I) think that they wanted to continue to have fun together without sacrifying their public images. I think each party in our situation has thinking that should be respected but I also know that in our situation either of the decision (staying with our respective fiancee and not seeing each other anymore or living our love to its fullest) had a drawback not really happy. It is pretty hard for us to live our love while knowing that everyone is against us mainly because we destroyed two families. But my new true love told her ex while she was still with him that she was falling deeply in love and maybe they should stop seeing us (my ex and I). But to this he responded NO. I need to see her again and we have to continue this.

All of this, having my ex basically in depression, knowing that someone who has been close friend is now wishing me bad things is pretty hard to live. But I love her so much and she loves me back so much that I just can't put an end to our relation. I have think about it but I just can't. All of our old friends when we were in couple with our exs are not talking to us anymore. We do our best when the kids are with us to give them a great life but when they are with our respective exs, they hear all kind of bad things about both of us. We just hope that someday they will understand that with what we have done (wife-swapping for whole weekends) it was something that has a chance to happen.

Sorry for the length of my post but it is something so important in my life right now that I had no choice but to explain my situation the best I could (even if everything is not in this post, I guess I explained the most part the best I could). So here is my question : What would you have done in my situation ? Should I put a stop to the relationship with whom I believe to be the love of my life and hope to meet someone just like her in the future but without the past that we both share right now ?

HELP ME PLEASE ! I am so tired of always thinking about all this. I just one to love her every day and have our exs accept the situation at least for the sake of our children. Hope to hear from any of you soon.

[YourEternalRest]

This is probably one of the most complex situations I've read since I've registered as a member here. My advice, probably, won't be the best. But then again, like most issues that come up around here, there isn't a clear right or wrong answer.

If I was in your situation, I definitely would not have stayed with her as long as you have. Especially with the fact that you both had a child, that complicates the issue. Did it really take you 15 years to figure out you didn't love her? Not trying to sound rude by asking that, I just want clarification and if that's indeed true, why did it take that long?

Should I put a stop to the relationship with whom I believe to be the love of my life and hope to meet someone just like her in the future but without the past that we both share right now ?

I don't think the "love of your life," as you say, is the person you're going to want to be with your whole life. This whole wife-swapping experience is going to stay with the both of you. My advice is to not let your past haunt you but rather look forward to the future and see who else is out there.

Now I have a question for you. Where is your son in all this? Is your ex-fiance taking care of him?