Do I stay with him?

[Stina09]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 and a half years. We had been dating and 2 months later we found out that we were having a baby. At the time, I still wasnt over my ex boyfriend. But, I thought that because I was pregnant, that it was a sign that he must be the one for me. I dismissed the ex, and my feelings, but they keep coming back. Now we have our daughter who is 2 and a half, and I still have these reoccuring feelings for my ex. I have always felt that because he hasnt ever asked me to marry him, it was because he didnt want me to be his wife. I dont get along with his parents. Never have and I am scared that I never will get along with them. They dont recognize me at all. Even when I was living with them in their house. I have threatened to leave my boyfriend, because I feel like he puts me last on his list. When it comes to everyday living. I just think that we aren't compatible, and I think it is because we forced ourselves to stick together because we were having a baby. Now that I have this child, I have a guilt trip going on where I cant leave him, because I want her to have her mother and father in one home. We thought about counseling, but just never take that next step. To top it all off, he will only have sex with me about once a month. Trust me, I have kept a calendar showing the times that we do. I need sex, and it seems like he could care less. What do I do? Do I stay with him ? and try to make it work? Or do I leave him , and let him grow up and see what he wants? I am s confused. Please help!!!!

[Beagle]

There's a lot here. You aren't happy with the situation, but you don't want to split up your child's home. I wish I could tell you there was an easy cookie-cutter solution, but that isn't real.

IT's obvious you aren't getting your needs met. I couldn't tell from your post if you think he even cares. It sounds like you and he have fallen into a routine. That is common after the first child is born, sadly. So much energy goes into the baby that you don't invest any in each other.

The message for the past few years is do what makes you happy and the child(ren) will adjust. Since divorce skyrocketed in the 1980's, we now have quite a bit of good data. Unless there is violence, neglect, or extremely high levels of conflict, most children do better in a home with both parents. The data simply hasn't supported the idea that kids in one-parent homes do just as well. Children whose parents aren't together are much more likely to live in poverty, suffer physical abuse, and suffer sexual abuse than are children in two-parent homes. Also, they are more likely to have educational problems, be arrested, become pregnant unintentionally, and to require psychiatric care.

Divorce, and that's what this would in effect be, is often a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Among people who reach the point of divorce but don't, in five years 85% describe their marriage as "happy."

Ultimately, this is a conversation you have to have with him. You also need to develop a support network of girlfriends. Having strong social ties helps us through just about any form of stressful situation.

You need to let him know that you're to the point you're thinking of leaving. He's probably taking you for granted and you need to let him know that it isn't working. I don't mean in a threatening way, just as a statement of the facts. People sometimes wake up when they realize that divorce is really a possibility.

If a split-up does have to happen, it will be easier on the child now than in a few years.