Family and work getting in the way of romance

[rcfp]

I love my wife just as much today as I did the day I married her and have made a habit of telling her I love her everyday, but...

...recently the spark in our marriage has all but died out, we'll be lucky to have sex once every two weeks and even then its rushed, and I don't want it to be. We have a two year old son and he takes up pretty much all of our spare time, I love him madly and wouldn't have him any other way.

I work rotating shifts on a sporadic roster and my wife works a straight 9 - 5 but with travel she's out of the house 11 hours a day and by the time our boy is asleep she's just plain too tired to do anything else but sleep. When we do have the day off together we make plans to have sex when our boy has his midday nap but it's always rushed (no foreplay, she doesn't even take her shirt and bra off) so she can do some cooking or house work afterwards. She'll tell me that "we can do it again tonight" but she always falls asleep and I don't want to wake her. I've bought her some women's multi-vitamins to try and boos her energy but after a few days she forgets to take them (not that they made much of a difference anyway). My wife needs to concentrate on what we're doing. How can I get her mind to stop wandering while we're having sex?

Our hormones are well and truly out of sync and my sex drive has fallen greatly. On rare occasions we'll have a few hours to ourselves with nothing else that needs to be done but, she doesn't seem to be interested in foreplay, I'll ask her if she wants me to go down on her but the answer is usually "no". She's even less interested in giving me oral sex and when she does, it's 60secs and she (not me) is done, she'll go to rinse her mouth with mouthwash like my penis is covered in germs (but I'll be fresh out of a shower) then we'll have rushed sex. How do I get my wife more interested in oral sex and foreplay?

I love performing oral sex on my wife, getting her off gets me off but, (here's a big problem) she doesn't shave her pubic hair, and while performing oral sex is a turn on getting a hair stuck in your teeth is a turn off. I ask her repeatedly but the answer is always "no". How can I get her to start shaving down there?

It just doesn't seem like my wife is interested in sex anymore, she's either; too tired, too busy etc. Sex just isn't a priority for her. How can I get her more interested in having sex?

I NEED HELP!!!

[Dan And Jennifer]

Let's take this one item at a time...

On the sex drive...
What you're experiencing is very common. I know that doesn't make you feel better, but it's true.

Your wife, both of you actually, need some time to yourself. Our good friend and mentor Paul (Personal Changes) recommended to us that we take 1 hour per day to ourselves - reading, shopping, meditating, walking, whatever... Something that we do for 'me' - not for work, our partners, our kids. Call it Me Time. We all need and few of us take it.

You see, by the time you get around to sex, she feels like it's another to-do item on her list and she just wants to get through it so that she can check it off.

It's hard to take time for ourselves, but if we don't, as women, we have nothing left to give others. We need to recharge our batteries.

Here are some ideas.
Offer to take the baby out of the house for a little while to give her a rest.
Offer to cook dinner, while she takes a bath
make time for her to go to the gym, or for a walk - yoga works great for me.

This is not a one time thing... She needs this time most every day.

One the pubic hair thing...
You can't make her shave if she doesn't want to. She might be more open to a slight trim and then when she gets used that, maybe she'll go a little shorter. Also, right now, she's probably feeling that this is just one more thing you're asking of her.

You see women tend to give and give and give their energy away - and then we explode and tell you that all you do is take and take. :-) If she ever says that to you, it's time to back away, let her calm down, and then ask if there's anything that you can do to take some of the load off her.

[K. in Cleveland]

I don't have any kids, but I used to work at a place that was 3rd shift with numerous but sporadic double shifts.. sometimes a full 16, sometimes just an hour or so, but I never knew when it was coming or for how long... and my man was a 1st shift guy.. needless to say I was usually exhausted after a 60hr or more week, and when we did see each other I was certainly not interested in sex...

I totally agree with Jennifer. If your wife can have some "me time" to herself every day (or almost every day anyway) she'll probably feel much more refreshed. Whether it's a walk, a workout, yoga, meditation, a nap, a bath, a massage or spa day (this is a great gift by the way) video game, anything... just sometime when there's no other chores or tasks to be done, and you and the baby are not a concern for her. (Also good to mention, this is great bonding time for you and the little guy.)
After some relaxing, brain and body resting time she just may have some more energy to do the things we love to do This would also help her wandering mind... I know what she's feeling "Oh man, is this done yet? I need to do the laundry, gotta get the dishes done. Oh and I still need to vacuum.... is he finished yet? I gotta get dinner started..." And it's not your fault, just part of life... I'm not saying you don't help around the house (I don't know you ) but maybe you can help out a little more by taking an additional task or two each day... to help lighten her load. Or...I don't know your financial situation, but a nanny or house keeper could be a sex-life-saver. Or even a neighbor kid who can babysit for a few hours after school or something...

Was she ever interested in foreplay and oral? Did she formerly shave or trim up her pubic hair? If no, then this will be something you'd just have to explore... but if she used to and after the baby was born she lost interest... well that's a different story.
When she's recharged her batteries, as Jennifer says, she'll be more likely to return to former behaviors and be open to new ones. Do you shave or trim? It's not fair to expect something from our mate that we ourselves do not do.
It's great to hear you want to get her off and that is a priority for you. Keep that attitude!

Now, if all of these things don't work, I'll tell you what worked for me... before I quit that wretched job..lol. I knew I couldn't do it alone. There was nothing wrong with my relationship except for me... my fiancée (then boyfriend) was not doing anything wrong and he was just as wonderful as ever... so I went to therapy myself (did not need couple's.. and I don't feel you do either) I actually went to a hypnotherapist that my doctor recommended. That hour once or twice a week was wonderful.. talk about getting a recharge. Not to mention the tools one can be given to fix their mental and emotional issues while working with a qualified therapist... It truly was amazing. One of the main issues I told him about was my total lack of sex drive (I mean total)... Within 2 visits focusing on that I was back to my normal self. I don't bawlk like a chicken when a bell rings or anything weird like that... it may be something worth looking into. Oh, and the weekly massage I got was also heavenly.. more for relaxing and letting go of tension than wanting sex.. but it all works together.

Good luck. I hope you can help your wife return to a healthy sex life.. even with the little guy it's quite possible to have sex regularly.. you just have to be careful

Oh, I forgot... is there any way you can get a set schedule at work?

[rcfp]

It's nice to get some advice from someone who has experienced something similar.

I do trim, and my wife did shave once but after it grew back "said never again".

I don't think the oral issue is an issue any more, I checked another site for some different techniques and now have her wanting. Though she still seems reluctant to perform oral on me.

I'll try the hot bath thing tomorrow night and see what happens.

[K. in Cleveland]

Well, having her enjoy receiving is a good step, but she needs to understand that it is a 2-way street... she gets, she gives... usually I'm telling this to girls about their guys lol. It is understandable though that she wouldn't necessarily enjoy giving, as some people don't enjoy having a cucumber in their mouth. I think it was a live chat that this was discussed with Dan and Jennifer... don't think it's posted yet, but when I find it I'll update here
Anway, giving oral does not necessarily come easily to most women. She's probably out of practice and may be experiencing a bad gag reflex... you'll just have to be patient and let her learn or relearn how to give you oral. When she does it, don't be afraid to tell her what feels especially good... positive feedback is better than negative, but if something hurts or really does not feel good don't be afraid to say so.
I hope the bathtime works for you tomorrow... and if the wee one goes to bed while she's taking the bath you could maybe... well, use your imagination

Good luck and I hope things continue to improve.

[InnerCircleofFault]

You're missing her I think. And I think men are just as emotional as women and need sex to feel close and connected. Tell her you miss her and how you feel. You want to be touched and to touch her.

Take care of the relationship by getting a sitter and spending some downtime together without the pressure for sex. Kissing without sex is a start.

You've got to talk to her without pointing fingers or blaming. It's just how you feel and what you need. Ask what she needs.


She's not going to shave so don't nag.

Just my thoughts.