Long Distance Challenges

[SCFrank]

A long distance relationship question!

Some background . . . My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years now. We are both in our mid 40's. We are both divorced and each have two children under the age of 12. She lives in Arizona. I live in South Carolina. We met (and dated) for about a year during college, and stayed in touch over the years. We re-connected and are now very much in love. We truly feel that we are meant to be together, and we're always very happy when we're together. We've spent time around each other's children. We've both met each other's friends and families. We manage to see each other at least two times per month for 2-4 days, sometimes more. In between, we talk on the phone at least 3 times a day, and also use the Internet to communicate.

Her ex-husband is there in Arizona and has equal custody of her children. Same situation for me - I have equal custody of my children here in South Carolina. We are both very dedicated parents, and we feel equally that that all four of our kids are our first priority. We both get along with our ex-spouses and our ex-in-laws, for the most part for the benefit of our children.

We have (endless) conversations about the future, whether or not we'll be able to live together and/or get married. Because of locations and distance, these conversations often lead to the question of if it will ever happen, at least in the near future. We both know that there is a good chance that in order for each of us to stay close to our kids, we'll need to keep living near to our ex-spouses.

It's a difficult situation, because there is nothing more we both want than to wake up together every morning. How do we make it work out? One way we can see it happening is if one of our ex-spouses gives up custody and allows a move. But on the other hand, neither of us really wants to move our kids far away from their other parents. Another way we've talked about is two households, one here part of the time, and another there.

Right now, we're both wondering if we can sustain our relationship. Or, more so, how can we sustain our relationship? If anyone of you reading this has been in a similar situation, we would like to know what happened. Did it work out? How did you make it work out? We both want to make it all work out -- for us and for our kids. We just don't quite know how to do it.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for your opinions and advice!

Frank in SC

[Dan And Jennifer]

Wow... This is the first LDR question that has truly stumped me. You actually have strong reasons to stay where you are...

I'm in a similar shared custody arrangement with my two girls (50-50). Their dad and I both loved them very much and would never dream of separating them from the other parent. It does cause issues because things happen and you want to move... But neither of us have.

I don't think it's a good idea to take the kids away from either parent. They have to come first. While I don't think that parents should stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids, I do believe that parents should do everything possible to keep both parents active in the kids lives.

The good news here is that you're both in the same situation and can empathize with what one another is going through... That can actually bring you closer together.

When you say under 12 - exactly how far under 12 are we talking about? They will eventually go to college and move out on their own, but until then, I don't see many options.

Here's my brain dump of the possibilities:

• Keep going just like you are - part time relationship seeing each other when you can.
• Break it off because you'll be waiting for years to be together and we all crave companionship and physical contact. It's hard to wait for someone indefinitely.
• Try to get one of your spouses to move to the other state.
  If the kids are old enough, maybe work the custody a little differently so that you can do the two household thing that you mentioned. I wouldn't try to move the kids back and forth between states until they're older - and even then, they may hate it.

This is just a tough situation and you're going to have to make some hard decisions. My advice is to make those decisions sooner rather than dragging this out over years wondering what to do.

Listen to your heart. Regardless of what anyone else thinks you should do or tells you to do. Follow your heart.

The only moment we ever have on this earth is this one - right now. Are you experiencing this moment in a way that brings you joy? That is the question that we should all ask ourselves, every moment of every day.

We like to say that with every situation, you have two choices - accept it (truly accept it for what it is) or change it (do something about it). Anything else will just bring you misery and sadness.

[SCFrank]

Jennifer,

Thanks for your response!

Her kids are 4 and 5, and mine are 4 and 11. We agree with you about staying married for the sake of the kids. In the case of both our previous marriages, neither of us wanted the kids to have to deal with unhappy parents.

We've considered the possibilities you noted. Neither of us wants to break it off because we truly feel that, odd as it may sound, we "found" each other again for a reason - to be together.

There is a chance that her ex-husband would consider moving to an area close to where I live. Maybe not right away, but in the near future. She and I could then live with each other, or at least live very close to start with. We could all handle a short distance (within an hour or two) between her kids and her ex-husband. In the case of my ex-wife, she would probably never move away from the area.

So we're at -- for the time being -- continuing our relationship as it is, on a part-time basis. I handle this a bit better than she does, and we both know this is our best option, even when it gets difficult to do so.

We are following our hearts, and we believe in doing so. Thanks for the encouragement -- there have been times when we need it!

Again, thank you! Any other ideas or thoughts you have, please let us know.

Frank in SC