I need help

[gail]

I had been seeing my boss for 9 yrs. He's been married for 35 yrs and separated for the last 4yrs. He said he was the happiest with me but would get scared and freak out. He would start to get so close to me and would then get so scared he needed space. He always told me it's him, not me. He has always had a commitment issue and has a roving eye and has cheated on me. I would check his phone bills and e-mails and 6 months ago he told me we have to break up because he cannot keep hurting me because he can't commit. He started dating a 24 yr. old, he's almost 59. He has been seeing lots of women, mostly young, but says it's great because there's no hassle, they don't ask questions, he has a good time with them and there's no commitment. I see him at work and I still want to be with him. I think about him constantly. We argue over this all the time and he tells me he will not hurt me ever again and that he needs to get this out of his system. Being with me means a relationship and commitment. With these other "friend's" as he says they all are, he could see them or not and it means nothing to him. If these other girls want to get closer, he backs away. He doesn't want to let me go, but he wants to be able to come and go, do whatever he wants to do when he wants, and no one questions or says he can't do something. We have such a strong connection and had an amazing sex life and he say's I'm the most conmpatable with him, but he needs to be there for me 100%, and that he isn't there right now. I realize how I should act but I always blow it and we end up going over the same broken record, always brought up by me. How do I get him out of my head and heart? How do I let him go and move on? I'm so lonely and want to meet someone but really I need to learn how to not be needy and happier within.
Any feedback would be great.

[Dan And Jennifer]

Hi Gail.

Sounds to me like he's pretty honest with you about what he wants and expects. The problem comes from the fact that you refuse to accept that. Trying to control another persons feelings, emotions, and actions is a true recipe for misery. This man will never make you happy. Only you can choose to be happy - and yes happiness is a decision, just like love is a decision.

It sounds like you really love him and it will really hurt you to let him go. You need to accept this pain, dive into it - cry, scream, yell - let it all out. But you do need to let it out and let him go. He doesn't want the same type of relationship as you and by trying to hang onto him, you are preventing yourself from the happiness that you deserve.

If at all possible, find another job, get as far away from him as possible. When you're this deep into something, you sometimes have to get away from it so that you can think clearly. If you can't find another job, maybe you can take an extended vacation. The key here is to put some distance between you and him and all this craziness.

Ironically, I hear similar stories about this all the time and the common theme is that the sex is incredible... There's something to this. Our body releases certain 'feel good' chemicals when we have sex - we literally get high from these chemicals. As they wear off, we crash and crave more. This is one foundation for sexual addiction...

Having said this, maybe a new exercise program, join a running or cycling club - something to help replace the highs and lows that you're feeling from this relationship. Excessive exercise is not a long term fix, but it can certainly help in the short term until you can start to find some joy in life - without him in it.