in and out of a bad realtionship

I met a guy october of 06 and we began dating in march of 07. we were together for a little over a year until we had a rather messy breakup in april of 08. i jumped into my next relationship rather quickly but was extremely happy while it lasted. The relationship ended because he and i both had to work a lot and it was hard to see each other. I still care about this guy a lot but i am trying to get over it. I recently started hanging back around with my ex from april 08 and we recently got back together. It was not a good realtionship when we were together it involved a lot of broken glass and him having sex with my then best friend. He seems to really wanna give this another shot. Should i give him another chance?

[K. in Cleveland]

Do you want to get back with him? Is it worth it if it wasn't good to begin with?

Many times people find themselves in an "on again/off again" relationship. This is a merry-go-round of misery, pain, fighting, and some fun... but usually it only leads to more upset and emotional distress when we break up and get back together with a poorly matched mate.

If it didn't work well the first time, what has changed to make another shot at it better? Has he had a major revelation or epiphany and realized the errors of his ways and is making a commitment to be a more understanding, caring, patient and loving person... then it's probably going to end up with more broken glass and cheating. If this is the case, do yourself the favor and cut the tie with him... you don't need it. Give yourself some time off from dating for awhile. Let yourself figure out what you really want and what you enjoy. After a couple months (2 or 3 minimum) you can begin to look for a date again... until then let yourself recover from the bad relationship and the good one that didn't work out.

[Exavion]

The only thing, in my opinion, that really crosses the line and doesn't deserve forgiveness in a relationship is cheating. If he cheated on you, he's not trustworthy, and yes people do change, so it's possible he isn't the same sort of person, I still think it was wrong.

Now, if you want to give him another try; be my guess. I just hope you don't end up hurt again, being betrayed is never positive.

[Dan And Jennifer]

OK - I'm going to veer off course a bit on this one...

Having been in a relationship that was very intense, as it sound this one was, the same thing that attracts us to this person is the very same thing that drives us crazy. The intensity. When you're in a relationship like this, it's almost like being on drugs - constant highs and lows. It's like an addiction in a way that can be very hard to break. Maybe that's you're situation and maybe it's not... If so, we all know the best way to break an addiction... stop.

On the topic of getting back with ex's. We all crave love and affection and when you're single, you really miss that and start to forget why you broke up in the first place. You start to remember the last person that provided intimacy and romance in your life - and this is almost always the ex. but inevitably, once you get back together, you both fall into that same old pattern that caused you to break up in the first place.

On the topic of cheating, I feel that cheating is always the symptom of something else that's going on in the relationship. If those issues are resolved, then the cheating will too. Now, those issues could be with the relationship, or just with him... You guys really need to be able to talk openly and honestly about your relationship. You both have to be totally accepting and forgiving of the past because you do have a past. Talk about why you want to get back together - are you both just lonely? are you living in the past? Are you prepared to work on the relationship - it will take work because you've hurt one another... All relationships take work - love is a choice that you make every day. Love is not that initial chemical high that you feel when you first get together...

OK, I'm rambling...

Stop looking outside yourself for happiness. If you're bouncing from one relationship to another, it means that you're unhappy on the inside and you're looking for another person to fill the void that you feel inside you. (I know about this more that I care to admit :-)) When your partner fails (and they always will) to meet your needs and make you happy, you will feel angry, sad, and disappointed. You'll want to blame them and point out all the little things they do that fail to make you happy. The thing you have to realize is that it's not their job to 'make' you happy. It's your responsibility to 'be' happy. Only then can you allow someone else to love you and can you fully love another person.

I agree with K. on this. Spend some time with 'you'. Find the happiness within you rather than seeking someone else to make you happy.