Help me - sexless marriage

[Mr_Sunshine]

Hi

I am a mid 30's male I have been married to my wife 5 years this september we have 2 children a 4 year old boy and a 10 month old baby girl. I am currently a stay at home dad and my wife works a regular 9 - 5 job her job is farily stressful and hectic. While my wife was pregnant with both children our sex life was non existant we had sex mabey 3 times in her 1st pregnancy and once in her second, I understand she though sex may hurt the baby abd it was uncomfortable for her so I respected her wishes and didn't push to hard for sex.

In the last 10 months after our daughter was born we have been on average having sex once a month when I complain about the frequency or try to initiate sex I always get the same answer be happy with what you are getting it is more then you were getting before. To be honest this really pisses me off but it had deteritated farther then that in the last little while to the point where my wife won't even let me come near her if I sit beside her on the couchand try to put my arm around her she tells me to leave her alone and pushes my arm away if I try to cuddle in bed with her and watch tv or a dvd I get just leave me alone for a few minutes or I'm tired.

I'm to the point now where I am really ready to just say fuck it and go, The only thing really keeping me here is our 2 children. I do love my wife and would like to fix this but i am out of ideas I have tryed talking to her and telling her how I feel but she just seems to ignore me.

[Rich in Love]

Maybe it is your wife dealing with herself and nothing to do with you. If she gained weight after the pregnancy or her body changed she might be feeling unattractive. It could also be she is just too tired after work and having the two children that her libido has dropped. The first thing I would do is take care of myself, try some therapy and ask your wife if she wants to join you there. Before you leave, you need to find what her issue is. If it is that she just does not desire you anymore, then you might need to leave for yourself. The kids are important, but how happy can you make them if you are stuck being just their nanny.

[heartbrokencanadian]

i experienced the same with my ex, and this only MAY be the case:

my ex got her emotional support and intimacy from our daughter and not from me. she got the sense of closeness that everyone needs from the child and not myself and therefor shut off the sex. get a babysitter, have a date nite, and have a great time. try to make her feel beautiful, do the little things for her (back to the days when you had a lot of sex)

im not expert, the 2 lenghty relationships I had, I was the one who wanted themost sex and they didnt , i wish you luck

[Dan And Jennifer]

This really could be a number of things, but women tend to seek emotional support before sex and men are just the opposite (normally), so this creates a real challenge in relationships.

Possible causes could be everything from her just being exhausted to what heartbrokencanadian said - she's getting her emotional needs filled by the kids.

It's really important the the two of you get to a point where you can openly share your feelings without blaming one another - even if you need to bring in a counselor.

You said yourself that you 'complain' about your sex life. That's sure to be a turn off to her. Rather than complaining start to find ways to connect with her. If you can connect with her on an emotional level, your chances of improving your sex life go up greatly!

As a woman, I have a feeling that sex has become just another to-do item on her list and she has nothing left to give. You see, women tend to give and give and give... And then all of a sudden we have nothing left to give and we don't even know what happened.

One thing that's worked really well for Dan and I is to take some me time - an hour per day is ideal. So what exactly is me time??? Just that - no kids, no husband, no chores, no demands. Give her an hour per day to do something for her that she really enjoys - you should do this for yourself as well.

Also, men are far more easy to please sexually... Have you ever heard of the three before me rule? That's means she get 3 orgasms before you even think about it. While this is a bit extreme in my opinion, you get the idea - How about one?

If she's not enjoying sex, truly enjoying it, then again, it starts to feel like yet another thing she's giving to the relationship...

Do you see how things can get out of balance?

Your goal now has to be to bring things back into balance. Give her the me time that we talked about. Start to romance her like you did when you first met - you may have to win her heart all over again, but I hope it's worth the effort to you. Take her on a date - every week! A real date - Go where she wants to go. No questions asked. She needs to see how hard you a really trying (not complaining). Sweep her off her feet. you've done it before. You can do it again!

[heartbrokencanadian]

i DID try my best to be there for her, make her a priority and listen but it wasnt good enuff. did try several times to give echother our 'own time'..and believe be, she always had 4+orgasms before mine because i love to please, and i last a long time. i wasnt just missing sex, it was the affection that SHOWS me love that i never really got and always made me question her love for me.........is the lack of intimacy etc MY fault?

also to mention, i DID complain at times, but for the most part I talked to her about it and what it meant to me...just didnt seem to matter since she didnt feel close and held a grudge against me for not being the best boyfriend for a years time(selfish, insecure at times)but I owned it and worked on it, and am better today

[stargazer123]

Be yourself. If you love your wife then tell her everything and explain further so that your long term relationship will last long. The children is important and vice versa.

[Mac]

Men have sex to feel close... women have to feel close before having sex.

The dilema here is trying to merge these two universes together. I know from experience, (me and my wife have 5 children together) that boy OH BOY is every pregnancy different. Holy crap man my wife has gone through so many changes with each pregnancy it was like a crap shoot each time.

3 of them she was incredibly horny and 2 of them she was completely miserable and the sex life deteriorated to being non existent. During all of this we men just try to deal with the hormones. As tough as this is, it's still a mystery as well.

Crazy takes over and our women become Jack Nickolson in the shinning one second. Then the sweet adorable women we married the next. Hormones are wicked crazy during pregnancies. I STILL don't have a clue how best to deal with them aside from just letting the cards fall as they may and holding your tongue for about a year. (the hormones can get even worse after the birth)

I know from experience how my wife's self esteem fell through the floor after 2 of the pregnancies.

Now all this probably sounds irrelevant to your situation and it's probably not even close to the actual problem that is going on.

Try to figure out the root of the problem first and then you can combat the real issues at hand. To be quite frank, the truth could simply be that she is not in love with you anymore for whatever reason.

Falling out of love with someone will leave clues. First of all that opposite of love is not hate. It is complete and utter indifference. Just remember that. The fact that there are emotions that still exist is a good sign. Being irritated angry or even pissed off is good actually. It may not sound good but it means there is still love there. That's the first step is figuring out what the reason for your wifes seemingly irritation towards you is caused by. could be nothing could be something big.

Rooting for you
Mac

[Thor in Atlanta]

I can relate to your problem. We have 5 kids and my wife is not interested in the least. I'm older than you, 45+ and have been enduring this for 10+ years. I'm staying for the kids but am miserable. We've been to counselling and have talked and talked until we're blue in the face. Why do women change like this? All was well early in the marriage and even before marriage. It seems that once they have us for the emotional support, they lose interest in the sexual aspect of the relationship which I see as selfish. Of course, sex without passion is just masterbation. Wonder if we could ask the wives, "since you are not interested in sex, can I go out on my own and satisfy myself elsewhere and still stay married?" Wonder how that would play?

[fawkse]

sex sex sex
the worse thing i could imagine in my relatioship, is not having sex.
i understand how you feel about not getting any. i actaully was in a relationship where i never enjoyed sex. there was a few dynamics that made me feel this way. first, i got pregnant lol~ second, than man that i was with came to be found out as a sex addict. he was cheating behind my back. he would beg for sex, and then threaten to go else where when i declined. third, after finding out about his problem, i lacked the selfesteem to even try to please him.
needlesss to say, i am no longer with this man.
this is not your situation, but i felt sharing it with you may help a little... unsure as to how lol~
i love sex. it's a wounderful outlet for all of us, but there are times in our lives when sex can be nothing more than a hurdle. i believe many us woman loose confidence in our sexualitym because we get bored. that's right... we get bored.
guy's have a it easier, becuase there minds think of sex usually as just sex. us women come to put the whole level of our relationship into veiw, and when shit is bad, the sex is bad or bot existing.
your situation sounds like she is having some issues with herself. how is your communication? does your relationship suffer in other areas besides sex? has she even been clear as to why she doesn't want it?
i aggre that she is the one with a problem, but i still think there is a role you play into it as well.
you have needs to. you are just as important as she is. if she is not willing to try to resolve this with you, i am afraid you are never going to satified in your relaitonship.
as her husband, you have every right to tell her exactly what you feel. you can't expect her to fix it right away, but you should remind her that she isn't doing her share to love you as she vowed to do.
communicate, if that isn't possible, i would start the divorce proceedure. you shouln't be allowing yourself to be neglected. that is a form of abuse.
~fawkse~