Breaking up a marriage

[Bud]

Well, I'm here because I really need some non-traditional advice to a seemingly made-for-TV relationship issue. So where to begin..

After experiencing some really bad relationships and not really having any luck in the dating scene, I did something I thought I'd never do.. I ended up surfing the internet for someone I deeply cared about in my past. By some dumb luck I found her. After gaining the courage to send her "that first email," I discovered that she actually remembered me and had been thinking about me from time to time.

Although we never dated, I truly believe that she is my first true love. In my youth, I was stupid, shy and didn't really understand what "falling in love" meant or felt like. So I never escalated our relationship beyond friendship. When I finally developed the courage to do so, she moved away and our relationship never flourished into anything more. So 16 years later and a few bad relationships in between, I found her.

My tears of joy quickly turned to tears of sorrow when I learned that she's married, has two kids (ages 2 and 5) and lives about 4-5 states away from me. At the end of our phone conversation, I pretty much accepted the reality that a relationship with her was never meant to be. So with nothing to lose and the lingering need to know how she truly felt about me, I spilled my guts to her and told her everything I've ever wanted to say. I told her that I loved her and that there will always be a small part of me that will always love her. When I finished, I was prepared to say goodbye in anticipation of a rejection that never came. So after that awkward exchange, we continued communicating by email. (She never did say that she loved me or thought of me as anything more than just a friend.)

In our discussions, she mentioned once that she was unhappy in her current marriage. But I didn't know the extent of her unhappiness. When I inquired further, she simply responded that she was uncomfortable sharing more details about her life with me since I pretty much appeared from nowhere. So, after a year of communicating back and forth by email, I finally sent her a good bye email (knowing that she probably wasn't going to open up to me and that nothing more was going to happen between us). However, the reply email was something I never expected.

She finally opened up to me and stated that although she was disappointed I "was terminating a friendship that could develop into something more," she is willing to accept that decision. Furthermore, she stated that "lots of marriages end" because there is no love in them.

For the first time, it seems like she is actually hinting that there are serious problems in her marriage (without stating so many words) and is considering leaving him (perhaps for me). But I don't know that for sure. The truth is, in my wildest imagination I am willing and ready to take her and her kids. The problem is that her description of her husband, sounds a lot like me. (So is she really going to leave "someone like me" for me?)

It seemed like I'm blowing my second chance at a fairy tale ending with that special someone. So, I did what most guys would do in my situation, I quickly responded to her comments by retracting my goodbye and stated that I needed time to "sort things out." She instantly replied by stating that she "would always be a friend" and to "take as much time as I needed."

I'm really confused. Over the past year, I've developed an even stronger attraction for her through our email exchanges. My heart is telling me to pursue her while my mind is telling me to be cautious. I really want her, but don't know what to do. I don't know if she is actually serious about leaving her husband for me. I don't even know how to make such an inquiry. Any advice?

Thanks,
Dazed and Confused in California

[Rich in Love]

wow, she has yet to really comunicate with you about how she feels about her HUSBAND or how she feels about you. Actually she did tell you that you two would always be "FRIENDS" She might be having problems in her marriage but how did you connect the dots that she wanted to leave him for you? Even if she did, why would you want to be with a woman who has demonstrated a total lack of respect for her husband? What makes you think that she would not do that to you? You need to take a step back and put down your selfishness, think of her family and the confusing you are causing. If it is meant to be, she will do eveything on her terms and you two will be together. Are you really willing to move out of state for this kind of woman?

[Mac]

Hey man,

First of all you need to probably communicate this with her and try to understand this yourself. Do not see this as her leaving her husband "for" you. If she is in a loveless marriage and ultimately decides to end it, that has to be her decision regardless of anything in return from you. This needs to be her choice and hers alone without any reasons of about or for you.

Something I think that should be noted here as well is that you may feel she is leaving someone like you ...for you. You're not him. He's not you. There's no reason that while you may share some similar personality traits that a happy relationship with your high school heart throb couldn't work. Don't sell yourself short brudda. If her marriage was in trouble long before you came into the picture as a long lost past friend from high school then simply allow it to remain that for now and cultivate. I would even suggest allowing her some time after the divorce (if she in fact does leave him) to have her space and some independent time on her own while keeping in touch as a "friend."

Usually the best relationships develop from good friendships.

Sincerely,
Mac