I cheated on my husband

[pinkapple]

Always remember that whatever your actions may lead to, the affliction would reflect more in your kids. Are you willing to give them up for the cheap thrills of infatuation? I grew up in a broken family that rooted from the same situation that you're in. Its extremely difficult growing up in a broken family and I don't want your kids to suffer the same hell that I went through. So please consider their feelings on this one above yours.

[LittleLoveCoach]

Obviously there are some really bad ways to divorce with kids. But there are some right ways to do it too. I think that telling people to stay for the kids is wrong, but that puts estranged parents in an awkward position with no solution.

PS. My advice is assuming no abuse. Divorces from abuse are a different matter entirely!

I'd say try this:
1st - Figure out if you are divorcing, separating or getting help.
You need to make a decision together. And if they don't want to make a decision, then they are deferring to you to lead the way. Don't involve your kids until you are sure about the direction its gonna take.

2nd - Agree with your partner on a solid approach.
The best / worst thing about having kids together is that you are still going to have to get along with your spouse after the divorce. You still have to nurture that relationship, even after the marriage is dead. Because now you have to work together if you want to see your kids.

If you've officially decided to separate or divorce, then discuss in detail how you will tell the kids about it. Figure all that out together, so that your kids have congruency. This will be challenging, but if you don't learn how to agree about the kids now, it will only be harder later.

3rd - Have a Talk to Explain the New Marital Agreement

Assume your kids are smart enough to understand what's happening. Just use age appropriate language. Any situation can be translated into any age-language. Just do your best!

Sit them down and let them know what is happening in your marriage, that it has nothing to do with them at all. Ask them if they have any questions about it.

Usually couples separate for a while. Being 'Separated' is a fine definition for a marriage, and you should be okay with that too, not hide it or be ashamed. I think this is a natural transition. Explain to them that we are still married but we want to live in different homes for a while. Just like you want your own room... well, mom and dad want their own houses! (Hahaha...)

They will thank you for your honesty. Good luck with your situation!!

[Dan And Jennifer]

Great points, thanks for sharing your experiences pineapple.

However... I hear this concept of "consider others' feelings above yours" and "stay together for the children" a lot. And unfortunately it leads to some misguided decisions.

There are a lot of "broken marriages" or "broken families" where couples stay together... the unhappy marriages where the wife is on a handful of antidepressants and they hate each other, but stay together "for the children".

consider this: to grow up in a home where marriage means two people that barely tolerate or even hate one another and are constantly fighting - that is not a loving home, not an ideal environment for children.

if you are miserable and unhappy there is no way to bring happiness, joy, stability, anything to those around you. living in a miserable relationship will backfire just about every time.

if your life sucks and you hate each and every day you have to tolerate that miserable person that you once loved - do you think your kids don't see this? they live in that world, they feed on that energy. and you condemn them to repeat the same pattern in their lives.

so sure, always consider others' feelings, but remember that sacrificing yourself will often backfire - and will likely have a high cost on those you're trying to 'protect'.

not to say relationships can't be mended, they often can, but staying together 'for the kids' is one of the worst reasons since it's usually based on ill-informed assumptions that the kids will be better for it.

An idea: focus on loving, happy home, not our storybook unreal ideal of what maybe/kinda/possibly/would be nice to be "perfect".

-- Dan

Originally Posted by pinkapple

Always remember that whatever your actions may lead to, the affliction would reflect more in your kids. Are you willing to give them up for the cheap thrills of infatuation? I grew up in a broken family that rooted from the same situation that you're in. Its extremely difficult growing up in a broken family and I don't want your kids to suffer the same hell that I went through. So please consider their feelings on this one above yours.

[MIMI]

I really think you should examine yourself thouroughly. I am an victim of a cheating husband. I loved my husband so much. he left me for another woman he told me he loved her. Two weeks later he wanted to come back home. I was determined that I could not take him back. I needed to move on because he said in a argument that she was trying to make something out of herself. She had a better job, car, and house. Three months after he left me she lost her job and her car a month after her job. They were struggling to keep the house. A few months after that he lost both his cars. He to this day is still trying to come back to me. He gave me time to heal. So the grass is not always greener on the other side. During the time I healed I became friends with a man and that man made me see love again and feel love in a different way. He allows me to be me. Not saying we do not have problems or what may happen in the future but be fair about it. What can you expect or the man from Africa expect neither one of you are going by the relationship the right way. You are still with your husband.

[Tango@6]

Feeling (how you feel about certain things or people) is actually a rational process, the trick is it becomes irrational in how you conclude your experience. Differences in views, be it objective or subjective, we all have to bear consequences in decisions we choose to make. Remember, Two wrongs do not make a right. Be wise. Hope things turn out better for you soon.

[Always]

Each situation is unique, and what you are feeling inside has many different angles from which you can approach the question.
The fact that you have had a connection with this second man for two years shows that it isn't just something you will quickly pass over in choosing to remain with your husband. And remaining with your husband while cutting off a part of your heart can in many ways further damage your chances at improving intimacy with your husband.
The second man has become someone that has value to you and that is important to know and accept within your own being. Your family and your husband are also extremely valuable to you and your being.
So for the time being at least it would seem that your question is asking how can I cut out a part of my heart and which part should I cut out? Instead of seeing it as a question of which part of your heart is more valid or which part is more neccessary to your survival you need to know that all of your heart is neccesary, learn to accept that in yourself, and then slowly begin the intricate dancing of claiming what you want for yourself.
You are unique and your heart is unique and what will work for you will be your own very unique solution.
Try to be open to thinking outside the box. It might be possible since you have already been honest with your husband to tell him that you want to maintain the marriage because he is important and loved by you but would also appreciate from him the freedom to have this other relationship as well. It helps to have the details of such an arranagement very clear in your own mind before you discuss the subject with him so that when his own questions arise as to how that will work you will have a solid answer for him. It also helps if you have thought thru in your own mind what your personal limits are as to how much time or energy you would want to put into the second relationship, how much involvement you would want to let your husband in on, and whether you would be ok with him asking for a similar arrangement on his side (such need not always be a given).
Do too take into consideration your daughter's long term apprasial of the situation. I think that as a young mother keeping yourself happy and present for your kids is really important but how you go about that is again uniquely your own solution. Know that as far as examples go many young girls are taught how to be good wives and cooperative women but very few are taught how to be happy and strong in nurturing their own feminine needs. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to teach your children the amazingly beautiful and powerful capabilities of the female heart.

[Xlife]

The morals I have have say you should not leave your husband for this younger man.

You've made a commitment when marrying him.

To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

For better, or for worse, you cannot leave your husband for this younger man.

You met this guy off the internet. That's your first mistake. He could lie what he looks like or who he is. Maybe he just wants sex. Ever think of that?

If your husband really wanted you, he would be insanely jealous. He is not. Studies have found that a small amount of jealously is necessary for long-term relationships. Your partner has to fear losing you (a bit) for a marriage to thrive.

That is not true, how do you know he isn't jealous? Maybe he loves her so much, he wants to forget about her sin, and carry on the relationship because he loves her. Believe it, or not some guys know how to control their emotions.

[Hot Alpha Female]

This is a really tough one and so in your decision you have to make sure that you are weighing apples with apples.

This younger man ... you practically went on a vacation and met up with him for a short period of time.

When things are new in a relaitonship you develop and go through different stages.

With this other man, have you lived with him and how well do you really know him. He may be exciting and being in a relationship with him may ignite that passion within you, but after that .. is there anymore substance?

With that said, you should also not stay with your husband if you are unfulfilled with your marriage. You can either choose to work it out, or realise that maybe you had an affair because you feel out of love or your needs were not being met.

Regardless of the outcome, it appears that there may be some life lessons that need to be learnt, before you jump into another serious relationship and you should give yourself some time to work things through.

[rajat]

IN SIMPLE SENSE.if your husband say nothing it means he loves you very much.this is your very large mistake-if you don*t want to break-up.then you give more & more time to your husband.present him that i love you very much please stay with me & love me.in this way you get more success in your life & live happly.ALSO FORGET YOUR PAST FASTLY.also in the memory of your husband