I cheated on my husband

[Ally]

I have been married for 8 years and have been emotionally disconnected from my husband for a long time. 2 years ago I met a much younger man online and we started to send messages back and forth quite often. The problem is that he lives in South Africa and is still a college student. I arranged a trip to go meet him and while I was there I had an affair. I really love this younger man and hope that it will work between us one day. When I got home, I told my husband what happened. I thought he would be furious and want to end our marriage, instead he has been extremely nice and says he wants to work it out. The only thing that he requires is cutting off my feelings for my lover. I feel very torn! I have 2 kids with my husband and don't really want to breakup our family, at the same time I can not deny the feelings that I have for this other man. I am wondering if my husband won't really change and he is just saying he loves me because he wants me to stay with him even if that is not how he really feels. I don't know, it is all very confusing. Any suggestions?

[Dan And Jennifer]

The answer is in your question...

You've been emotionally disconnected from your husband for a while.

This other man is simply filling an emotional void in your life. (I'm not saying that you don't have true feelings for him).

Whether or not you decide to stay in your marriage or leave your husband for this other guy, you're never going to be happy if you rely on your partner as your only source of emotional fulfillment. You've got to learn how to be happy on the inside and learn fill your own emotional needs. Otherwise, I predict that in a few year, you'll be in the same situation with the new guy.

What is the source of the feeling of being disconnected with your husband? Did it start when the children were born? Many time a woman will unknowingly pull away from her husband when she has children because her emotional and intimacy needs are being filled by caring for the baby. And then the husband will get his feeling hurt and pull back even more... And so goes the downward spiral...

You can get that connection back, but it will take work and most likely the help of a counselor. There's two sides to every story and the truth (and the best answer) is normally somewhere in the middle.

Being a very left brained person, when I find myself with a difficult decision, I take out a piece of paper, write my dilemma and possible course of action at the top and draw a line down the middle. On one side, I write the pros of this course of action and on the other side I write the cons. I do this for each possible out come. It just helps me to put things into perspective...

[rick181au]

I think you would be making a very serious wrong move leaving your husband for a younger man in a different country, “the grass on the other side of the fence always looks greener until you get there” and your lover is a lot further away then just the other side of the fence,. Eight years is a lot to throw away and what do you think you would have with your new lover in eight years time after the initial lust and passion had worn off?
If you were to spend portion of the time and effort you spent in meeting and having an affair with your lover trying to save your marriage and the future of your children you might find yourself a lot better off.

[Melody Brooke]

Ally,
I am going to talk to you woman to woman. I am a therapist, but lets set that aside for now. I've been married three times. The first two times my marriage fell apart I was convinced HE had the problem and I was trying so hard to make it right. AND from the outside, and anyone who would have listened to me at the time would have agreed. I did not find out until I took 6 years to be by myself that I had the problem, too. Intimacy has to be worked at by both partners and if there is a problem like "cheating" (I hate that word) it's because of the lack of intimacy in the relationship. I used to cry "But I WANT intimacy, HES the one that won't get close". But the truth is that I had my own issues with intimacy that led me to repeat the same mistakes in my second marriage I had made in my first. The truth is that what both marriages had in common was ME.

I know this new guy makes you feel great. I can relate with that. After and emotional dry spell to have someone swoop you up in their arms and make you feel beautiful and loved again it's hard to to imagine leaving them. But the truth is that you are in love with the "in love" feeling. You don't really know this man. Your don't even know the one your married too, and most unfortunately, you don't know yourself either.

Your husband is not the "bad guy" you seem to see him as being. He is just, like most of us, inept at intimacy. But sweetie, so are YOU. You both have failed to make the marriage work. It takes two to marry and two to fail at marriage. Starting over with someone else is the easy way out. But you have two children who need BOTH of their parents. Whether you stay together or not, you owe it to yourselves and your kids to take the time to figure out what went wrong and see if you can re-connect once you have distanced from the romantic fantasy of your South African lover.

But I also know how much pain there must have been for you to have gone to such an extent to heal the hurt in your heart. Sometimes there is just too much hurt to go back, and I for one, fully understand that. Yet I do wish that I had know then what I know now about myself and my own intimacy problems before I divorced my first husband.

My advice as a woman, a (now) happily married wife, and therapist is: Break it off with your lover and give counseling a chance. I have seen marriages come back from even this far. Neither of you are cheaters. You are both in a lot of pain that you could heal together it you work at it.

[lisaq]

As a woman who cheated on her husband in the past, I have to agree with both Dan & Jenn and with Melody.

Listen, my husband was a jerk, but the truth of the matter is a huge amount of the problem was in me. I had issues that prevented me from being able to connect with anyone on an emotional level and I didn't even recognize most of them. You have got to address that before you do anything rash.

My emotional unavailability was rooted in low self esteem, feelings of being undeserving and unworthy of love (cheating sure didn't help that one!), and lots of issues from childhood that contributed to all of it. It left me unable to commit to my husband or my marriage. Yes, I had married him which some would say is a commitment, but the truth is that I wasn't at all committed to the marriage. When the going got tough, I looked elsewhere to get my needs met and as a way out of the marriage. The truth of the matter is, as Dan & Jenn said, I needed to look inside myself. YOU are the only person who can make you happy. It's your job and it's your responsibility...not only to yourself but to your kids.

Five years, two counselors, and lots of hard work later, I'm a much healthier, more emotionally available woman ready for a relationship. I've never been happier. You owe that to yourself sweetie...and to your family. Leaving your husband for this other man may seem the easy way out, but the truth is that if you don't look to yourself to help yourself, you're going to find yourself in exactly the same place down the line.

[honeybee48]

I am sure that you have heard this one but have you been to counseling? It doesn't always work. I was married for 9 years to a real jerk and we didn't go to counseling, but he was cheating and he ended up marrying her so it probably won't have done any good. If you really love your husband it is worth trying to work it out, but think long and hard about it because it isn't worth staying in a relationship even if you have kids if you are not happy. you really have to think about yourself and what you want in your life. good luck

[Yioti]

Don't do it for you or your husband. Do it for your kids, my best friends parents got divorced when he was only 14 and his older brother was 16-17 years old. He was almost immune to the fact of the divorce except that he blamed his father as the "bad" parent and cut off all ties with him, and lives with his mother in the U.S while his father is living in Greece. His older brother had psychological trauma from this and had been going to therapy for about 3 years, quite college 3 semesters in and moved back to Greece and he himself told me "I ruined my life."

I'm not saying this is gonna be the same case, but it affects the children alot more then it would you. I was lucky and had a great childhood and i can't complain, but my friends have had much more difficult times than me and i have been exposed to this over and over again.

My advice to you is, Seek a counselor make an honest attempt to fix your marriage, try to forget the younger man and hopefully it all works out for you. If not then by all means do what you must do, but i would suggest dont get a divorse just agree with your husband to see other people while married. Maybe it will help your relationship with him but keep it from your children, also what i just said is based on their age a 16 year old will know whats going on unless he/she is in denial.

[FemaleOrgasm]

If your husband really wanted you, he would be insanely jealous. He is not. Studies have found that a small amount of jealously is necessary for long-term relationships. Your partner has to fear losing you (a bit) for a marriage to thrive.

I wouldn't count on a college student being a long-term partner right now. Focus on finding a new man online in your own CITY that makes you feel the same way as the South African guy. Focus on the SPECIFIC characteristics of the man and how he makes you feel ALL DAY LONG and you will attract him to you. Use POSITIVE emotions when you focus on your target man.

As for your children, don't pass on the bad example of living a fake life to try and make eveyone happy. You have to be selfish now so you can be super-generous later. If you try to please everyone, you'll just stress yourself out and you'll feel even more disconnected.

And, take massive action!

[FemaleOrgasm]

Did you meet Mr Right?

[leighangel89]

i agree 100% with this one this comes from a girl who's parents should have gotten a Divorce while they thought that staying together would benefit the kids well let me tell you i will soon be 20 years old and i have an out look on relationships that there bad because of that i had to look at growing up... do what you think is going to benefit your kids if you can work things out then great and if you can't then do whats best for your kids.

Originally Posted by Yioti

Don't do it for you or your husband. Do it for your kids, my best friends parents got divorced when he was only 14 and his older brother was 16-17 years old. He was almost immune to the fact of the divorce except that he blamed his father as the "bad" parent and cut off all ties with him, and lives with his mother in the U.S while his father is living in Greece. His older brother had psychological trauma from this and had been going to therapy for about 3 years, quite college 3 semesters in and moved back to Greece and he himself told me "I ruined my life."

I'm not saying this is gonna be the same case, but it affects the children alot more then it would you. I was lucky and had a great childhood and i can't complain, but my friends have had much more difficult times than me and i have been exposed to this over and over again.

My advice to you is, Seek a counselor make an honest attempt to fix your marriage, try to forget the younger man and hopefully it all works out for you. If not then by all means do what you must do, but i would suggest dont get a divorse just agree with your husband to see other people while married. Maybe it will help your relationship with him but keep it from your children, also what i just said is based on their age a 16 year old will know whats going on unless he/she is in denial.