The aftermath of rape - years later.

[Stephanie27]

I was raped when I was younger (11) by two guys for nine months. I still have the scars from cigarette burns, a box cutter, not to mention the negative emotional scars, which bother me MUCH more than the physical ones.

Now I'm 27, and I CANNOT enjoy sex, even with myself. Physically, orgasm hurts, and the rare time that it doesn't, it makes me feel sick to my stomach and dirty and guilty and all these other wonderful negative conotations. I feel like sex is only so a man can feel good and women, although I see and hear the contrary every day, are only sex objects who don't enjoy sex and are being victimized, even when they have sex with their husbands, wives, partners, whatever. I get angry when people tell me they enjoy sex. But I get angry with myself because even though I feel this way, I don't want to, and I want to enjoy sex with myself and eventually, when I find someone whom I trust, with a partner.

Not that I haven't had partners, I've slept with women AND men, both who made me feel used afterward, even though it was NOT their intention and they didn't do anything to me that was in any way exploitive or abusive. I've gone to therapy for years now, I know that the person I'm sleeping with (even when it's just me, and well, me!) isn't going to hurt me and it's okay to have an orgasm and etc., but I still can't feel good about the entire situation. Has anyone had this issue? I'm at my wit's end here, and honestly, I feel really lonely.

[Melody Brooke]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. What sick men they must have been!

It is completely understandable that you would feel this way. What has happened is that your brain kicks into survival mode (fight, flight, freeze, submit) whenever you have any of the feelings related to sex. Your instantaneous reaction stops you from being able to sort out good touch from scary touch. Your old "reptilian" brain is now in charge and your thinking brain has no say in what is happening. Its a scary, awful place to be. Somehow you have to re-train your brain to associate good feelings with sexual touch. Sometimes people have great success with a therapy mode called EMDR. Put "EMDR therapist" in google, along with whatever city you are in to find a therapist who does this. Not every therapist is trained well in understanding how the brain and the body respond to trauma. If you have been in therapy for years and this has not improved you might want to consider switching - and ideally to someone who does EMDR. Another great method for going straight to the body's reaction is a kind of therapy called "Hakomi" its a body work method that is very powerful and gentle. Also Somatic Integrative Therapy. You have to change the feedback loop in your brain.

But even those methods will only do so much for you until you are in an intimate connection with someone you are committed to and they are committed to you! Building a love relationship that is connected, intimate, and trusting BEFORE you have sex with them is crucial for someone like you. And, like you, I was traumatized and know how hard it is to believe that there are men out there (or even lesbians) who are able to let you be with them a long time before you move into the sexual parts of your relationship, but there are! You just have to trust me on this one, when you let go of believing that "all people want is sex" you'll find someone who can love you for who you are.. and wont demand sex from you. That doesn't mean they wont want it! Sex is fun and it feels good... unless you have been hurt... in which case body work or EMDR is the only real way to begin to make that be different, and then, once you have done that, find you someone you can believe loves you for YOU and not just for sex.

Let me know if I can help more. Its painful to hear about someone hurting you that much. You really did not deserve it!