Not having orgasms has hurt my relationships

[milo from memphis]

Let me start off by saying the first few times this has happened i thought this was a good thing in a way. Figured if she is happy thats really all that matters to me. Which it is cause I'm the type of guy that really just does anything to make my girlfriends happy. But when sex started to become a regular thing and not having an orgasm almost all the time, 9 out of every 10 or so times, she became worried that she couldn't please me. I visited a doctor about it nothings wrong down there. Which served to farther her opinion of things. It led to arguments and ended up with us not engaging in intercourse period which upset me because I love sex even if i don't finish. which i tried to explain to her. Eventually we ended the relationship. However the same thing happened with my next girlfriend. i still couldn't orgasm. The relationship didn't end the same way but it did put a damper on things. Now I'm with this girl whom i love with all my heart. We sleep together about three times a week, just cuddling and such no intercourse. But i feel things are going to end up getting sexual soon and I'm really worried that it's going to become a problem. I know I really should say something to her about it before but I really don't know how to talk about it.

[Beagle]

Let me commend you for ruling out a medical problem.

From reading your post, the problem is almost certainly "Performance anxiety." Anxiety can become a downward spiral in which worry hurts our ability to focus, which hurts our performance, which makes the anxiety worse...

It's great that you're concerned about pleasing your partner. However, it sounds like you're one of those few men who needs to move a little in the opposite direction. It sounds like you're so worried about pleasing her that you're getting caught up in the "Performance" rather than just being in the experience.

First of all, there's nothing abnormal about a man not having an orgasm 100% of the time. Secondly, if you're having an orgasm 90% of the time, that means everything is working like it's supposed to. Most sexually active men won't have an orgasm at least occasionally.

My advice to you would be to just concentrate on being totally present in the experience without taking it toward a specific goal. We can't will ourselves to orgasm. I bet when you begin relaxing and just enjoying the experience that this will diminish. In other words, I think you need to be more IN the experience instead of trying so hard to direct it.

FYI, sometimes when you deliberately delay your orgasm to give your partner an orgasm, sometimes you won't have an orgasm at all. You didn't mention doing that: I just thought I'd make you aware.

I don't think I've ever met a woman who has an orgasm 100% of the time. Don't consider an experience a "failure" if she doesn't, or if you don't, for that matter.

[milo from memphis]

I would like to thank you for your reply. I figured after talking to several people that that might be it but no one has gone into such detail. I also think you are spot on but the problem is that I've tried to relax a bit and just go with it what happens happens but i still have the problem. We have even tried alcohol, in moderation of course, just to relax me a bit, never done anything stronger I really dont like the thought of taking any drug even prescriptions for anything unless its absolutely necessary. I've completely accepted that this might just be how things are going to be but what concerns me is the way my girlfriends have reacted. Its a problem because they have associated me not orgasming with me not wanting them, with both this relationships I've had this phrase thrown at me, and it hurts. But now with your explanation and advice if i cant help this at least i can let them read what you said and maybe it'll show them its not that i dont love them its that I care about them to much.

Thank you

[Beagle]

You're very welcome. You have just uncovered something that never ceases to amaze me: The most beautiful desirable women still wonder if their man really desires them. I've never understood it.

Best wishes and thank you for your courteous reply.

[FemaleOrgasm]

These are techniques that tap pressure points on your point to release trapped emotional stress. This could be the cause of your inability to orgasm. YouTube "emotional freedom techniques" for a demonstration.

[HopelessLover]

I have 2 suggestions:

More 4 Play: because if you are ridiculously stimulated b4 actual penetration then you are more likely to orgasm in a reasonable time period.

More Masturbation: Sometimes masturbation helps train your body for release, and once you have intercourse the feeling of masturbation will not compare therefore you will be over stimulated which will cause ejaculation.

Oh yeah and be nastyier and kinkyer sometimes doing unfamiliar things may cause extra excitement. And get an expierienced woman if you chose to try this because 2 ameteurs just creates frustration.