Is staring cheating?

[Desperate house wife]

My husband and I have been togather for almost a year. I told him at the beginning of our marriage that I hate it when my man checks out other women. I understand that men will look. But actually full body check outs, (to me) are cheating. A couple of months ago, I noticed him taking visual interest in our neighbor. If we would be outside at the same time she was, he would repeatedly glance at her, while I was trying to talk to him. I pretty much let it go. Then a few weeks later, he was outside working on our car, and I noticed him staring at her. Not just glancing but full on staring her down! He would come upstairs occasionally and we would 'play' if you will. We were fully clothed, but that was all that was standing in our way of actually love making. He woiuld then go back down and continue to stare. This really upset me! I knew from the time we met her that she kinda had a thing for him, and I told him he was leading her on to beleive he was into her too, which he does alot, whether he realizes it or not. He tends to flirt alot when I'm not around. He has even done it with me there, so he cant tell me he doesnt. My question is, to you, is this this cheating?????
Sincerly,
Samantha

[stephen]

From what i am reading about the staring cheating. Sounds like you both need to sit down and have a long conversation on his status of what cheating is. Get his point of view on the subject. Then you need to let him hear your side. You have to remember what the defination of cheating is. We have read your idea in one area. I would break this down into pros and con. (write them) That way to can communicate on all level of what cheating means to each of you. You may find out he is thinking one thing and you are thinking a different area.

Best of luck

[Desperate house wife]

We sat down and talked, and he, like everything else, shrugged it off, and got deffensive although, I didnt blow up. I simply sat him down and and told him how it hurt me, and that did get into the subject of cheating. He wont really tell me what he thinks is classified as cheating, but I have told him my views. I guess my question really was, am I alone in feeling like this is cheating?
Thank you for your advice,
Samantha

[Beagle]

Samantha: I think you have two separate but interacting issues going on here.

It concerns me that he won't talk to you about this. I don't know what's going on there, but that is the bigger problem. As far as the looking, that is just something that we do. Men are aroused visually, the same way that women are aroused aurally. That's why we don't get swept away by listening to someone sing. I'm sure he does find these other women attractive. It's often an unconscious response.

Committing to one woman isn't something that men do naturally. It is an act of the will, to be faithful to one person. The fact that he is looking at other women doesn't mean that he is or is not doing more. When a woman starts looking at other guys, it's usually because there's a problem in her primary relationship. I'm afraid you're interpreting male behavior from a female point of view. When a guy looks, it just means that he's looking. I don't think that says a lot about the quality of your relationship, one way or the other.

If you think there's more than looking going on with the neighbor, then that's another matter entirely. As far as the flirting, that's just how some people relate. Of course, it could mean he's trying to get somewhere with them. You just can't tell by someone being flirty what their intentions are.

Right now, I don't think there is strong evidence that anything is going on. I kind of suspect you may be putting two and two together and getting six. I think his being unwilling to talk to you is by far the bigger problem here. That could indicate that there is something to hide, or that he simply thinks you're being unreasonable and doesn't want to get into a discussion about it.

I wish I could be clearer, but I just don't think there's enough information for a firm conclusion right now. I will tell you that jealousy is a relationship killer. If he's just looking, I'd let that one go. You can even tease him about it. If you get mad, you just come off as insecure.

He has either committed to be faithful to you, or he hasn't. Looking isn't a sign one way or the other.

[stephen]

He knows where you are from your point. Question, where his point? There has to be two people talking in this relationship. He must come out of his little shell and see the world that is around him.

You both really need to sit down and talk about everything. Bring his life into view and talk and see where he is. Then you need to bring your life into view and talk and see where you are. Sounds like he has pinned and is fighting you. See if you can have him do the pro and con list. Write everything down then come back in a week and discuss everything written. Your open minds must be in this. If you both need to get away togather so you can have no distraction. Then do it!!!

Hate to say it, but if he can't sit down and i mean talk with you about everything. Then you need to see whats going on in his life to bring him to this point.

Looks like you are in for a rough ride till he opens up about everything...

Best of luck

[Desperate house wife]

I realize men look, its who they are, but when he comes upstairs, gets a full blown hard on from me and then goes down with it, and looks at the neighbor, there is something morally wrong with that, isnt there? looking, ok, but looking with an erection? any man who is going to do that, honestly, isnt a man I want! If I'm not good enough, then bye bye, u know? I hate feeling unreasonable, but this just really gets to me!!!!!!

Samantha

[Desperate house wife]

You hit the nail on the head, this is why I am seriously considering a trial seperation, in case you havent read my other threads, this is an issue. He refuses to put any effort into our relationship, whether it be talking, taking time out for ourselves, our love life, ANYTHING at all. His priorities are 100% messed up. I have tried writting everything down in pros and cons, in letter form, everything, I have run out of ideas, which is why I joined Dan and Jennifer. No matter how I approach him he feels threatened. Even when I leave him a letter or short note, or sit down calmly, or after love making (when we made love). I've hit my breaking point! I couldnt stand to loose him, I mean we have 2 kids together and I love him like nothing else, but something has to give!

Samantha

[stephen]

With what you are saying. Seperation may be the ticket for you, just remember once you get started don't stop till he comes around. This could turn into very scary situation for you both. If you are really in love with this man. Then i would suggest getting help from a counselor.

Like what you said, he came up stairs with a full blown hard on. To me i would be asking my wife for some nasty time. If that would fail to happen. Guess i would be masturbating with her watching then. Sounds like fun to me now... Anyway, going back down stairs and have your neighbor view your hard on, sorry not for me. Yes i know what you are asking, i have agree with you.....

My best

[Desperate house wife]

Thats good to know. And I wanted to continue with our little 'game' but he kept sayin he had stuff to do, so I though, ok, later then, but needless to say, he killed the mood, and it never happened, i actually slept in my car, that night. But yes, I am looking for a counseler. A cheap one, hopefully. But I got a few leads at some churches, so hopefully that works out, But thank you very much!!! Any more advice, or an after thought, please let me know!!!!!!

Samantha

[Rembrandt]

Looking or "staring" is not cheating. I am not sure of the vows that you took when you got married but having conducted several marriages myself I am sure that there was nothing in there about never having feelings of arousal. That being said you do have a right to your feelings and he should listen to them.

I don't know the content of your discussion with him but if it was confrontational I wouldn't expect him to be very open with his feelings. We are complicated creatures also.

On a lighter note, be pleased. He got aroused so he went to you. Since the basic animal issue can be left aside, as it is clear in your own report, it comes down to an emotional issue. Do I read this correctly? Is he only supposed to have that response to you and to you alone?

Rembrandt