lost my virginity and have lots of questions

[Heather]

Hi. I just lost my virginity three days ago and I have some questions.
A friend of mine invited me over to get drunk with him. Based on the things we had said in past conversations, it was pretty obvious that we would end up having sex. I was really looking forward to losing my virginity. He was careful to let me go only as far as I wanted and to let me go at my own pace. And we made sure to use a condom.
I'm wondering if I did the right thing. I was so excited that I had lost it afterwards. I had a new experience and I liked it. It was fun. I was relieved that I didn't lose to some random guy at a party like I almost did a couple months ago. I don't know Greg all that well, but we used to sit and have late night conversations during his night shift, as he was the front desk guy in my residence hall. Now I'm questioning whether or not I should have had sex with him. It's weird to think that I've actually had sex. I'll never have another first time. Part of it is that I don't remember most of it because I had one drink too many. I remember what it felt like and a few other things, but not much. And I remember giving him oral, which I'm not usually comfortable doing sober. (The only person I've done it to is my ex but I was okay doing that to him.) I kind of feel like I wasted my first time because I can't remember it. I'm wondering if I try hard enough, if I can at least remember a little bit more, even though I blacked out most of it.
Another thing is that I don't think we were as careful as we should have been because we were so drunk. He was 8 inches and went all the way in. I'm a really small person. I don't know if we took it slow or not. I do remember the pain, although it was still pleasurable, which is normal. I bled at first, so I took a shower, and we ended up doing it two more times that night. I woke up the next morning and I had pain, but there was also a strange feeling throughout my abdomen like things had shifted around a little bit. I still hurt a little bit "down there" and this is three days later, and I had a little bit of old blood coming down for two days afterwards.
I'm also confused about some things he said to me afterwards. When I asked him if we would eventually do it again, he told me no, because that's when emotions get involved. I don't understand. We've both said that we don't want a dating relationship with each other, it was all physical. And what could be more emotional than losing/taking my virginity? I don't really understand how emotion plays out in our situation. Why we can't just be friends with benefits. I'd like to do it again, considering the whole virginity thing is over. Does he just not want to tell me I'm bad at it? I asked him if I was good for a first-timer, and he said yes, and I was pretty good overall. Is he lying?
As I was leaving, he said "Keep in touch." I'm not sure what he meant by this. Does that mean we'll just go our separate ways? We don't know each other that well, but we've had quite a few conversations during his shifts about things unrelated to sex. He's said that I'd be a fun person to hang out with, but that might have just been to get drunk with me.

On a completely unsexual note, I told him a few things that I didn't exactly want him to know about me while I was drunk. I told him about my psychological problems. I don't want him to think I'm as messed up as I may have sounded. I don't remember most of what I told him, but I feel like I should explain myself. He said that he just watched TV and didn't listen to what I said since he knew I wouldn't want him to know this, but I think I remember him responding to a few things. Not sure how to fix that one because I might have freaked him out. I've pretty much decided that I don't want to get completely wasted again because I always end up telling someone something they don't need to know about me and I always regret a lot of things I do while I'm drunk. I also get terrible hangovers.

Sorry this is so long. I just have a lot of questions that no one seems to be able to answer. Not a lot of people know about this. I just want some advice before I mention anything to him.

[K. in Cleveland]

Heather, first of all, I'd like to say congratulations on using the condom... too many people forget that when their drunk or when it's their first time and they're excited.

As far as the pain and the bleeding.. this is most likely due to the stretching and yes, even some tearing that is associated with sexual penetration. This would be especially true if you have never put anything else inside... though if it continues to be a problem you definitely should talk to your doctor (by the way, now you need to start having pap tests). You may even want to talk to your doctor now, just to get some more information now that you're sexually active. It might feel like it, but things can't really shift around too much in there. Yes, the vagina will stretch and relax to accept a larger penis, but it all goes back to where it started pretty quickly... This feeling is probably just the residual stretching feeling... which can certainly be uncomfortable, especially if it wasn't slow and gentle.

As far as him not wanting to be with you sexually again... well.. You did tell him some things that as you say may have freaked him out a little.. most people do not know how to deal with mental illness and are uncertain of how they should act with someone who has been diagnosed. This is not something you can really change, although maybe some general education would be a good thing for him. Then, he was not a virgin from what I gather in your post. So he probably thinks himself quite the stud.. and wanted to "pop a cherry"...again, not much you can do about this. You probably don't want to date him, since you say you wanted to be friends with benefits... and that's probably good because he's probably not dating material right now... but chances are he's made up his mind and there's not too much you can do. You may want to find someone else to explore you new-found sexuality with...

And as far as giving oral... this was probably the same reason as why you talked about things you wish you hadn't... alcohol loosens our inhibitions and we do stupid things (Watch any episode of COPS if you don't know what I mean..lol) I've done it, you've done it, and we're not the only ones... don't feel bad. But, on the same topic.. don't expect to receive oral if you're not going to give it... it's a 2-way street

Don't beat yourself up about it.. you're not a nun.. sex is normal, it's natural... it was going to happen sometime. Enjoy it. Just be sure to enjoy responsibly and with the right people.

[Dan And Jennifer]

I agree with K.

Don't beat yourself up about what might or might not have been, what did or did not happen. What's done is done and all you can do is move forward.

I wouldn't recommend getting drink before you have sex next time. It's important to learn how to enjoy sex and to relax naturally. It should be with someone that you feel comfortable with when you're sober. :-)

[Heather]

Thanks, both of you.

I have an OBGYN appointment in a couple of weeks for menstrual problems anyways, so I'll have her do a pap test. I've actually never been there before, so I'm nervous. I'm 19, so I probably should have started going a year ago -I think.

I shouldn't have let him be my first. I didn't give it too much consideration beforehand. I just thought about the fact that I was finally losing it and was going to have an interesting new experience. I made a mistake. I know that now. But my best friend (who is a male) can't understand that I have no regrets. I don't, because I learned something from it, the hard way, but I did.
No, he's definitely not dating material. Right now, I like being single. Didn't think I would, but I love it. I'm not chained down. Basically, I can do what I want without consulting my partner. My ex was really bad about that. Not like abusive or anything, he's just always had this habit of trying to protect me. He still tries, since we're still friends, but he knows I probably won't listen. I get to try new things and make my own mistakes now. I think I just made my first one. I'll start looking for someone new when I'm ready. Now I'm just looking for the right person to fool around with. I'll be careful. And my next boyfriend will probably have to be a little mentally interesting himself, because honestly, I'm kind of hard to put up with sometimes, but usually I'm pretty normal.

K, my dad and I used to watch cops all the time. I don't get that out of control. I honestly don't know how people can drive drunk. I probably wouldn't even be able to make it to my car without falling over something.

And I get really self-conscious with oral. I don't know. I personally don't like getting it because I'm worried about what he might be thinking. On guys, I just don't like him to watch me do it. It's adds a bit of mystery, too.

[Saishuu]

Hey Heather

Thats a perfectly good way to lose your virginity and I can't understand why you "shouldn't have let him be your first".

If you don't regret it its a perfectly fine way to go, its always going to be sex, probably with one person, so why not eh? as long as you enjoyed it

And if he says he doesn't want to do it again, see if he means it.

You can always metaphorically pounce on him (or literally) when your hanging out & find out if he isn't being hypocritical + you can make sure you are both sober, & if he says no, just laugh it off like your joking, at least you'll have all the answers you'll want, & you can always stop half way & leave (thats annoying but it may be a bit of fun for you, & its not exactly going to ruin his life is it?).

Just have fun with your life.

And about when receiving oral just think, "If I was doing it for guy and he was stinky, how would I react and what would I bethinking" I'm sure they'll think the same/react the same & is that thought /reaction really that bad? probably not.

and also would you be happy to resume after a shower or whatever? I'm sure you would and I'm sure most people would too.