What is up with his sex drive?

[Nell]

I have been in a committed relationship for almost seven years. We have three children together ( I have one from a previous marriage) and have definitely weathered our ups and downs. We have never been unfaithful and jealousy is not an issue in our relationship. I am five years older than him. Our relationship is great. He is attentive, affectionate, and caring. We fight, sometimes a lot but I know that we genuinely love each other. Sometimes we just like to fight. He acts like he is attracted to me. He makes comments or touches me when I walk by.
So the problem is that for probably for five to five and a half years now he has had a limited sex drive. We went from the "honeymoon period" of having sex everyday to biweekly, then monthly almost overnight. I have brought it up in every way possible. At first it made me feel very insecure. I would ask him about it. He would reassure me that nothing was wrong, he was tired or didn't feel well, etc. And he does work two jobs and has for years. I was able to rationalize it. Then for a long time if we had sex it was just a quickie. I enjoy quickies, I do but I can only orgasm through oral sex. Which incidentally he is really good at. So then I tried to talk to him about that. His ready answer was he didn't know what the problem was he would work on it. I was making the first moves for a long time. Finally I was tired of being rejected. His answer was almost always later. Then of course later he would fall asleep. He has for years been the kind of guy who will wake up and kiss me on the neck and talk about what we were going to do tonight but by tonight he is no longer interested. So I started encouraging him to just have sex when the impulse strikes. A quickie would be fine then. Still no change. At some point about six months ago or a little more we had another (there have been so many) conversation. I explained to him that I was unable to be the instigator anymore. That I am just now to insecure. I want him to want me. I mean at this point I am practically begging him to have quickies so maybe the "pressure" to perform is off. He said that he thought he might be more interested if we spiced things up. Maybe if I shaved, or we watched porn, or bought a vibrator. I was floored. Not because I am against any of that but because I have offered that on more than one occasion. Once I shaved and came home from work early. I showed him and he acted all excited then he wanted to watch a movie. So anyway I said okay I was game for whatever. I did shave and have kept it that way. So the last few times (spaced over a month a half) he did perform oral and so did I. Since then I have waited and waited for him to even mention sex. He has made a few comments here or there and I have acted interested. His comments are always peppered with later. It has been over six weeks. The thing is he finally has a work schedule that allows us to spend time together. He is not coming home exhausted. He has plenty of time for World of Warcraft (newer craze for him). I feel like we might as well be monks. I have for forever felt like most of the sex we have is pity sex. A chore he is trying to get over with. Now I would probably be very interested in some pity sex.
I never complain when we do have sex. I always tell him it was great and usually it is. I stopped nagging him about sex a long time ago. I am just afraid that on his own he will never want to again. I do still feel like he must not be attracted to me. I even wondered if maybe he just really disliked giving oral. I have asked him that. He denies it. I thought though that might explain it. If that is a chore for him and it is the only way I can get off then maybe that is the problem. If that is the case though we could try other things. I would be happy if he used his hands more than his mouth. I would probably even be happy with just intercourse but he is a one time only kind of guy. He says after he gets off he has no interest in doing it again and can't get another erection. Since he is one of those guys who doesn't last that long it is fun but not enough to make me have a orgasm. Since he denies that oral sex is the problem I cannot help him with solutions. I hate to have any conversation with him about it. If feels like I am calling into question his masculinity but I am not trying to. It is so ironic since I have never been so attracted to another man as I still am him today. I love him and fully expect to spend the rest of my life with him. This is our only real problem but it is a major one. I know myself well enough to know that eventually I will look elsewhere for what I see now as validation. I even told him that once. Because of this longstanding problem sex has become a taboo topic for me. I can't tell him what I would like or want.
I know this post was long. I apologize, it is five years worth of baggage.

[Dan And Jennifer]

I know this is not the policy line, but my feeling is that he's just lazy!

OK, now that I got that out of the way... Here are my two cents on the topic.

There are many reasons physical and psychological that he may have a reduced sex drive. It's worth talking to a doctor, but you have to talk to each other first.

It wasn't clear to me how often you have sex - did you say that it's been six weeks?

One thing that you need to talk about is what frequency of having sex would be acceptable for both of you - daily, weekly, monthly, etc.

Many people fall into the trap of thinking that sex just happens, but that's not the case. When you first meet, you automatically take the time and spend the energy because your 'courting' so to speak. When you're in a long term relationship, it takes time and effort - we tend to start making other priorities and our relationships suffer as a result...

Maybe you guys could commit to having a sex night once per week where you turn off the TV and go to bed together at 8 (or when ever you get the kids to bed). As a matter of fact just turning off the TV for a few days can do wonders for your life - sex and other... Head out for a walk - get some other physical exercise. Exercise gives you more energy!

He needs to understand that sex is important to you - it's sounds life you're a bit afraid to tell him what your needs are. I believe that a relationship is a partnership and that both partners deserve to have to their needs met - tit for tat. It doesn't mean that you have to sacrifice everything for him or him for you, but you do need to meet in the middle.

Spend some time thinking about your sexual needs and what would make you happy, make a list, write it down. Have him do the same and then get together (outside of the bedroom) and go over your lists. Sign a contract with one another...

We once knew a man who created a new relationship agreement with his wife every year on their anniversary and they both signed it and had it witnessed - They have been happily married for more than 30 years.

Maybe you guys can create a "hot sex" agreement and both commit to it for the next year.

Think outside the box! The important thing to remember is that you have to work together on this... Dont' be a winer... Don't make him the bad guy... But do express your needs...And expect to get them met...