Where did my husbands sex drive go?

[pammymn]

Hi, I have been married for 8 yrs. The last few years have been rocky years but we have stuck it out and have agreed that we will both put forth more effort to reconnect with each other. My problem is that I have always felt sex is a big part in a relationship and up until a few years ago so did he. By the way he is mid 40 and I am mid 30. I feel like I have to beg for sex and I am lucky if we have sex once every 2 weeks. He knows how important affection and intimacy is to me. He always claims he is too tired. Ok now- he does have sleep apnea and I know for a fact that can drive down a sex drive. But he does have a machine to use for his sleep apnea and for every excuse he can think of he won't use it. BUT my problem with that is he never seems to be too tired to watch a movie or do any recreational activities that he enjoys. The only time we have sex is when he actually wants it. It is so frustrating. Especially for the fact that he knows how important it is to me and acts as if its not important. And even when we do have sex he is SO predicatable. I know exactly if we will be having sex that night by how he acts during the day. AND one of my biggest issues with our issue is that he looks at "porn related" stuff on the internet and masterbates. He tries to deny it but I have saw his history and I even questioned him on it and he denied looking at it for masterbation reasons. He says its just people. Nothing is sexually related to his internet history. I don't buy that at all. He will not go to any of the websites when I am around him and he keeps his history under password now and will not allow me to see. I feel very betrayed. I have a hard time even gettting turned aroused anymore. Our sex life has become extremely boring and it hurts that he knows how bad it bothers me. Please tell me- Does his age have anything to do with low sex drive? And regardless of why his sex drive is so low, if there is something he can do about it, why won't he? Please help I am getting desperate and my thoughts are beginning to stray away from him and he does not believe me when I tell him this. So what can I do and how am I suppose to cope with this situation? Any advice is welcomed. Thank you

[RRandolph]

That sounds like a lot of guys out there. I know I had similar problems with little or no sex drive for over a year.

I believe much of it stems from being too stuck in the mind, and not sensitive to the sensations in the body (and therefore not sensitive to your feelings and your body).

The cycle of masturbating to porn is a big factor since it causes the guy to disconnect from the body by imagining something else happening. Excess ejaculation also drains the guy's physical and emotional energy.

The process out of it is really a lifestyle change. Exercising more, being outdoors, playing with pets, letting go of porn. Some things that have helped me are using EFT and TAT which are energy techniques based on accupressure.

I wrote a free ebook that covers all of this that he may find useful: Revive Your Sex Drive

[RingoD]

I have the book read by Ryan and can fully recommend it.

[nettie]

I am 33 and my husband is 37. When I read your question I thought I was reading my own history!!!!!!! I posted my own question in this forum and it is very similiar to yours. I have been with my husband for 16 years married 13. I have always had a higher sex drive and as the years go on his goes down. We just went through a big thing several months ago. We hadnt had sex in 10 months! Now a few of those months my husband had surgery and that was understandable but the times before and after there was no sex, no intimacy nothing. I had a "feeling" porn was involved but never had anything concrete. Until one day i came home unexpected from work and there he was at the computer masterbarting to porn. I was so distraught. I screamed I yelled " you cant have sex with me but you can with yourself?!" It had been 10 months since he had touched me and I found out he had been doing this 2-3 times a week. He was ashamed and swore he would never do it again. He didnt mean to hurt me. We went out on a date that night and had the best sex we had in a long time. 6 days later I found more porn on the computer. the log said it was 8 minutes after I walked out the door for work. I felt more betrayed and sick to my stomach than the first time. When I confronted him it turned out to be a 5 hour discussion. I basicully told him I wasnt going to live like this. I was not going to live in a sexless marriage and I was not going to live in a marriage that would deny me a connection with him emotionally and intimatly becuase of porn. He told me to block the computer and have control. Which i do now. That has helped greatly. We also went out on a date night the next night and again reconnected in a way we hadnt in years. This was almost like a wake up call for both of us.

Now I would love to say everything is wonderful but there are still the issues of sex. I like you find it very important in my relationship. I would love it 3 times a week he on the other hand 1-2 times every 2 weeks. He says I want it all the time and I ever give him the chance to make the first move. If I did I would have to wait weeks I think LOL! Once he gets into it he enjoys it but its gettting him to stop being so lazy about it is the problem!

If your husband is not willing to work on these important issues I would have to do some hard thinking. If you truly think he is looking at porn on the PC he probaly is. There is no reason for him to have it blocked otherwise. My husband would clear his history and he was administrator so I never could look at the logs. Now I am administrator and he can clear history all he wants but I am in control and that has helped both of us. I know there are many couples and people out there who dont think porn is wrong...good for them...if it works for them great but if it hurts like it does you and I then it is not fair that a spouse would put another spouse through such hurt. They are not fake women. These are real people with real bodies and if he is getting his sexual gratification from these other women and not you thats a huge problem. He should care anough about you to not hurt you in this way.

ps....I just wanted to let you know we have 2 children as well and would never take the decision of divorce lightly....just thought I would throw that in! Take care!

[FemaleOrgasm]

But your husband still has a sex drive, it's just not for you. But I think you already know this.

Personally I think you should get your sex outside of your marriage. He is. It doesn't mean you don't love him. It just means that if he doesn't want to satisfy your sexual needs, that's fine. You'll find someone else who will.

[nettie]

I do not agree with the last post as far as getting it outside your marriage. I also do not necassarily agree with the comment "Your husband has a sex drive just not for you" The last poster has no idea if the husband has a medical issue with his sex drive or not. Some men as they get to a certain age are unable to "perform" like they use to and may use other means to get their gratification "porn" Now I am not saying I agree with thsi at all. I think a loving caring husband in tuned with his wifes feelings would make an effort to fix this problem. However this husband does not seem to have any interest in his wifes needs or feelings and thats why I said there should be some hard thinking. I could not and would not live that way. Without her having to commit adultery she can change her life.

One man's wife is another man's treasure......Basicully if he is not appreciating her there is someone out there who will. Life is to short to live in a sexless marriage.

[Beagle]

I really agree with Nettie. One possibility that hasn't been explored fully is the possibility that the sleep apnea is more of an issue. One side effect of untreated sleep apnea is fatigue. Is it a possibility that masturbating to pornography just takes less energy than sex with you, energy he doesn't have to begin with? Otherwise, I think you and he have to take a good look at why pornography has become a substitute for sex.

He really needs a good physical workup, including testosterone levels. While I recognize that this is probably not the explanation, if low testosterone (or the apnea or an undiagnosed condition) is the problem then you'll run yourself crazy trying to figure out why things aren't getting better.

[FemaleOrgasm]

Or else he wouldn't be able to jerk off to porn. We all know what the husband SHOULD be doing. But we all kind of know that that's probably not going to happen.

Sometimes reality is so psychologically traumatic that you deny its existence. Take a stand! Make a decision. Don't acknowledge the reality of the situation and then make a recommendation INCONSISTENT with that reality.

Having sex outside of marriage is not necessarily cheating and is the logical thing to do in this situation.

[Beagle]

I disagree. The ability to masturbates only rules out erectile dysfunction. It doesn't rule out a systemic condition.