What's the risk of contracting an STI or STD?

[Purplebear]

Hi! I'm new to Dan and Jennifer. You guys are so cute.

My boyfriend and I have been going out nearly three years. We've both never been with anyone else and we've only gone as far as petting & hand jobs. We've both decided to not have intercourse until we're married, but he recently brought up oral sex and asked me if I was okay with it. I've been contemplating this for a while. I know we're not ready yet, and he accepts that, but I do want to share this with him eventually. We love each other so much.

Since we are monogamous and we're technically virgins, if we don't use protection when we do engage in oral sex, can either of us get any STIs or STDs?

[Dan And Jennifer]

Hi there.

The technical answer to your question is yes, but it's very unlikely.

The fact is that you can really never know if he's ever been with anyone else - orally or otherwise.

Here's what Avert.org says on this topic:
Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) including common STD symptoms

What are sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)?

Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are diseases that are mainly passed from one person to another (that is transmitted) during sex. There are at least 25 different sexually transmitted diseases with a range of different symptoms. These diseases may be spread through vaginal, anal and oral sex.

Most sexually transmitted diseases will only affect you if you have sexual contact with someone who has an STD. However there are some infections, for example scabies, which are referred to as STDs because they are most commonly transmitted sexually, but which can also be passed on in other ways.

What are sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?

Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) is another name for Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD). The name STI is sometimes preferred because there are a few STDs, such as chlamydia, that can infect a person without causing any actual disease (i.e. unpleasant symptoms). Someone without symptoms may not think of themselves as having a disease, but they may still have an infection that needs treating.

Take your time and wait until you're both ready and practice good hygiene. Wash up before oral sex to reduce the risk of transferring bacteria. Use a condom for him to be extra safe.

Look, we're not here to preach fear and wrath. There are dangers that we face every day. Driving is dangerous. Walking down the street is dangerous.

The important thing with STDs is to do your research, be informed, and understand the risks so that you can make an informed decision.

[Purplebear]

I know he's never cheated on me. Is there only a risk if he's been with someone else?
and I don't want to be like, too specific or graphic, but what do you mean by washing up? mouth wash?

And thanks for responding. =] I know you have a lot of questions to answer from other people every day.

[K. in Cleveland]

Hey Purple, I'm K. from Cleveland Nice to meet you. I read this thread earlier, after Dan had posted his response, and didn't really feel there was much I could add. Now, in response to your newer question I do have something I hope you can find helpful.

STDs or STI's are not all only transmitted sexually. There are some things a person may have been born with, or have been exposed to at some point in their lives in a non-sexual way, that can be transmitted sexually. These include HIV and hepatitis, as well as countless other organisms, bacteria, and viruses. If either of a person's parents had a latent (present but not active or visible) disease, the child may or may not contract it. If the child did, they very well may not know it. People can be "carriers" of a disease. This means they have the disease but do not know it, and can infect others without ever realizing. HIV can lie dormant for years, it is really not known how many people have it and don't know it... and some may never know it unless they get tested. Hepatitis A is transmitted by oral to fecal contact. This is usually by eating contaminated food or drinking contaminated water, but you can imagine if you're doing oral sex that there may be a little bit of fecal matter that is unwashed and could contain the virus. Hepatitis B can be transmitted by any body fluids.. including blood, sweat, tears, semen, vaginal fluids, and even breast milk. So again, if mom had it and dind't know it, or if he ever played sports with someone and had contact with an infected person... well, you can see how this can go... then all the other forms of hepatitis are similar.
Now, I'm not trying to scare you. This is not likely, but it can happen.

Then there's Herpes. This is something most people think is only an STD. But have you ever seen someone with a cold sore? Same virus, different strain. Although, now the 2 strains are less and less meaningful as someone with the oral version who gives oral sex to an uninfected person can then give the uninfected person genital herpes. Most people with cold sores did not get it sexually, but it can be transmitted sexually, even when there isn't an active blister....

I could go on, but I do not feel the need to. I think you can see the need to use a condom. As Dan said, anything we do can be dangerous. But that is why there are safety measures we can take to reduce the dangers. Condoms for safer sex, speed limits and seat belts for safer driving, helmets for safer tackle football, and health department regulations for safer restaurant eating.... the chances of getting hurt when we use safety devices is much less likely...

So my advice is use the rubbers. Use it until you're ready for a baby and the possibility any of the other scary things out there... remember, some things can be cured by antibiotics.. some cannot.

Have fun and be safe!

[Purplebear]

Thanks for responding, K! Your post was really informative.
I hadn't ever really thought about his, or my own, parents having an STD that they could give to either of us before. That's kind of scary.
If you had hepatitis, you'd know it, right?
and are you saying, if he has cold sores, I can get them down there? Before we started dating, he had cold sores, but he hasn't had them for three years. Should I be worried about that?
and I know if we want to do this, he should use a condom, but what about me?

thanks again for being so informative!

edit- When we stimulate each other with our hands (after washing first, don't worry.), both of us often use saliva as a lube substitute. In the unlikely event that one of us has something, could it be transferred by saliva on hands?

[K. in Cleveland]

It is always possible that parents had something and never knew it... we just don't like to think of our parents having sex..lol
It's likely that someone would know they had hepatitis, but not necessarily. When I was working as an EMT we all had to get tested before we started working, then we got vaccines for Hep B but actually one of my classmates found out she had it, never knew. It was good to catch it early though, and today she's fine.. but you never know...
As far as the cold sores, it is less likely, but still possible that he could transmit the herpes virus from his oral area to you. Sometimes the blisters are so small people don't even realize they have one. Again, I'm not trying to scare you, just want you to be informed. This is why truly safer sex advocates say we should use a dental dam or even plastic wrap for oral sex on women, and flavored condoms for oral sex on males. Unfortunately, however, people tend to forget about safety for oral sex even if they always use a condom for vaginal or anal sex... it's all something you have to be willing to accept the possibilities of. This is why I say teens should wait until at least 16 to have sex.. because this is a lot of information to take in.. even for 16.. heck, even for some adults!

I'm glad I could be of some help to you.

Have fun, and stay safe!

[Purplebear]

Hmm. I'll research hepatitis.
As for oral herpes goes, his blisters were definitely not small when he had them. I'll still try and ask him to make sure he doesn't have them any more. But if he did, wouldn't I have cold sores just from making out? And if he did have anything else oral, like HIV from his parents or hepatitis, couldn't I get either of those in my mouth from making out, too?
Does anyone have any personal experience with dental dams or plastic wrap? that doesn't sound very pleasant to me.

and I edited my last post with another question- When we stimulate each other with our hands, after washing them, we often use saliva for lube. In the unlikely event one of us has something, could it have already been transmitted?

[Purplebear]

I'm just letting everyone know I still have questions in the above post.

[K. in Cleveland]

Well, unfortunately the thing about the herpes virus is that it can be transmitted even without any outward signs (as you may hear in the Valtrex commercials)... though it is not as likely... it's just kind of one of those things that can linger and either never pop up or it may. It's estimated that 35- 50% of adults who have an STD never even have a symptom and wouldn't even know they had it.. (or at least that's the stats my doc gave me)
As far as getting something from making out, hep, yes, HIV not very likely, unless you both had open sores or cuts in your mouth.. at least, that's the information the CDC is giving out today, but who knows if tomorrow they'll say it's more or less transmittable...
And as for saliva as lube, yes, it could happen... but saliva does not carry as much viral load for most diseases as does blood, semen, or vaginal secretions.

[Purplebear]

So with that being said..
since herpes can be transmitted through just making out (I read on scarleteen you should get tested for it before even kissing if you think you might have it) and we've been making out together for so long, wouldn't logic tell you we're both clear?
I really really appreciate your attention, K, and I'm glad for your information! I don't mean to seem difficult. but I just don't understand why we should worry about passing something from either of our mouths to our genitals when it can be contagious just from kissing and we haven't gotten anything orally. I hope that makes sense.
again, I appreciate your responses. I really do! =]]

and if this gives you any more information- we've both made out when one or both of us had cuts in our mouths. just sayin' :]