Threesome resulting in feelings

[Patti in MN]

Hi. I had a 3some with another couple which resulted in me having feelings for the man. He has been in a 2-year relationship with his girlfriend. All is well for them, they just wanted to spice it up, but I have developed feelings ( we had several encounters with this). We talked about it before we all 3 decided on doing this and all said it would be okay. I don't want to ruin them, but I really like him. He has confessed to having feelings as well. He is confused on what he wants now. Does anyone have any advice for me, for him?

[Greg69Sheryl]

It may have been fun while it lasted, but you should no longer engage in threesomes with this couple. If fact, you might want to reconsider whether you have threesomes in the future with anyone at all. To engage in this sort of activity, you need to be able to separate sex from love, but based on what you've posted here, it sounds like you are unable to do that.

[Paul - Personal Changes]

I agree with the thoughtful comments from Greg and Sheryl. Threesome's are best when practiced by those who have developed the emotional maturity to be able to separate feelings of love from sex. Usually, most people have not yet reached that level until sometime in their 30's or 40's.

Actually, the feelings of love/attraction that you express are not feelings of love at all... but cathexis... a chemical release in your body during the early stages of intimate relationships that create an intense attraction that is often referred to as the "blind love" stage. In ignorance, people often interpret those "feelings" as proof of being in love with someone. The truth is, however, that it is just cathexis.

Cathexis is simply the release of a chemical "attractant" for the purpose of insuring the propagation of the species. Love is simply unconditional acceptance. Not a feeling... but a conscious decision.

[swngl.chick]

Patti, take it from someone who's been there: remove yourself from this situation now. Regardless of your feelings for him, or his feelings for you, it's bad Chick Karma to be involved in ruining another woman's relationship.

And even if you wanted to take that risk, you'd be helping him become the kind of man who you wouldn't even trust! (If he'll do it to her, then there's nothing to stop him from doing it to you too.)

If he is now confused about his feelings for his girlfriend, then he should resolve those on his own, without any external distractions (i.e., you). If that results in him leaving her, and then after further reflection and some time to himself he decides he still has feelings for you, then that's something you both can deal with then.

For now though, you need to steer clear of him - a minimum of two months with absolutely NO CONTACT goes along way toward negating the bonding effects that sex can have on a woman, and so you'll probably find your own perspective is in a much better state at that point.

Good luck, and stay strong!