Will we ever swing again??

[yar in FL]

I am wondering if anyone has been in my shoes?? about 6 years ago my wife and I were in my friends Hot tub, there were 2 other couples and there were drinks a flowing, clothes came off. This became a regular friday Sat night thing. My wife and I were playing darts with my friend who owned the hot tub, and were played strip darts, and wound up in a 3 way with my wife as the queen. she loved it, and we talked about every detail. she was wary, but seemed to enjoy the thrill. it occured like that about 5 times, then one night we were all in the hot tub, and my buddy and his wife were with me and my wife, and we decided to pair off and have sex. I went into the bathroom, and my friend and my wife were just in the room on the bed. All is going well, nothing crazy, then we here my wife sobbing...:-( we rush in, and she is upset because she thought of me with another woman??!I knew I should've stayed right there with her, now I may never get the chance. I was bummed because I really never got mine in any of this. Since that day, my wife and I have talked, and she is in her mind never going back there again to the swinging days. She is going to church, and I I feel bad, because I know we can have a healthy swinging relationship with others.....what should I do??? I have been extremely patient and silent. I love my wife tremendously, but should I sacrifice my happiness? any help would be greatly accepted:-)

[ValorNET]

Yeah. It's a difficult position trying to pit ones happiness against the others. BOTH people deserve to be happy. I would highly recommend giving her extra attention and not expect anything out of it. That's if you want to use the time to try this method. She'll eventually meet your wants, for reaching hers, but that could literally take fucking years off your lives! If you want, you can always try to date again, but you already know that scene, and that takes alot of time and patience too. Not to mention you're married. So just do the first method, that's my suggestion.

Maybe she wasn't alright with WHO you were with.
HOWEVER, she was alright with taking liberties.
Sounds like she's just being greedy. She wants and gets.
You're her bitch, it would seem. To just put it ever bluntly.

Communication is key to everything. Put your cards on the table.
There's no telling how she'll react, this is something you'll have to update us on.
You shouldn't have any problems, all you'd have to do is say what you have to say to her, and then get a response. I expect no ill outcome from this. All you should get is more intel.

[JelloTranz]

Yours is a hard question to answer because there are many things at work here.

First things first, should you give up your happiness? My short answer is no, but then again, what you really have to ask yourself is really how much of your happiness can and will be filled in the lifestyle? This is important because really you haven’t even gotten into it yet and trust me 5 times is nowhere near enough time to know if you can have a “healthy swinging relationship with others” or if it’s really even for you. The way my wife and I play now versus when we first got started is totally different with a completely different dynamic so you never know..

Now initially I don’t feel it was fair for your wife to become upset when you decided to “Pair Off” the fact of the matter is that “fairness” does NOT come into play when dealing with the lifestyle. She was obviously upset by the thought of you being with another woman and this is understandable. For over 2000+ years society and religion have told your wife that sex is bad, sex with other people when you are not married is worse, and swinging is just plain out wrong and evil. Also it seems that many women have a harder time separating sex and love than their male counterparts. So, Her reaction is nothing new for the lifestyle.

Having said that, the route you took was not really the best way to go about it for the exact reasons you ended up with. Many couples go years playing with other couples in the same room, and never attempt “Separate Room Play” and to start out with that was just foolish in my opinion, but an easy mistake to make.

If you really feel that you and your wife really could have a good swinging relationship, then I would suggest taking a different approach. Ask her why she was so upset by the situation and how that situation was different from the times before. DO NOT use this as a “But you go to” situation. What you are trying to do is understand what she felt was different between with the last time and the previous times. Since you didn’t state if she had actual intercourse the previous times, it’s hard to really get a handle on what’s going on here. My guess is that she felt threatened by the thought of you being with another woman. After all that’s what happens in affairs or at least in her mind.

Now obviously that’s not your intent and I assume is not what is going to happen.

So how do you deal with this?..

Start off by offering her ALL the control and I do mean all. Join a swinger’s site, and NEVER play with friends, only play other people in the lifestyle. Keep the relationships in the lifestyle short and simple. While I am all for friends in the lifestyle, you need to make her comfortable with you two having sex with other couples and that no one is going to run off with someone else. So allow her to do all the communication between other couples. Start out with softswap and maybe even see if you can find a few single men that can join the two of you. Yes it will mean that you won’t get to play with another woman for a while, but this is ok. What you are trying to do is show her that this is only sex and that no one is leaving over all of this. If and when you get to couple play, she should always have veto power no matter what, at least for a good long while.

And finally don’t be silent. Tell her how you feel, and assure her that she is the most important thing in your life. All too many times, I have seen men jump in to the lifestyle with a “Full Steam Ahead” attitude and it tends to make the wife feel inadequate.

If you really do feel that swinging is a must have or at least an important part of who you are, then she needs to know that, and you need to see if there is any way for you to come together on the subject. You might even try finding a few couples whom you just have sex in front of as a start, you don’t swap partners just watch each other having sex and see if that might be a good starting point for her. But never pressure her, that will only make her resentful.

I hope this helps.

[LionMicha]

I have done it with one of our couple friends. What happened? I felt in love with my friend's wife and her with me so badly that we had no choice but to leave our respective spouse. Now I know that I was not really in love with my ex-wife do this kind of thing. Because now, with my new true love, I would not want any other man to touch her or be intimate with her... When you'll discover true love you'll understand that swinging lifestyle is just a way for bored couples to stay together for the sake of the children and their comfort zone. Myself, I have decided to show my son that in life you have to be pure and follow your heart and live your emotions at their fullest. This is the lesson I have earned from this disgusting and dirty wife-swapping episode of my life... Try to ignite true love between you and your wife before it is too late.

Hope you hear me well.