swinging

[Ray]

My wife recently asked me if I wanted to try swinging. She wants to have sex with another man and I can have another woman. At first I was turned on and said yes thinking it was just bedroom talk. She is serious about finding other partners and says it is only sex and she loves me. I realized that I couldn't handle the thought of another man pounding my wife so I called the deal off. She agreed but I know she still wants another man. Now I am scared that she will find another behind my back instead of being open about it and I am considering trying out swinging just so I won't be left out. I am willing to try sex with another couple but she wants it to be one on one seperately. How can I fel secure about my relationship and not lose my wife of 22 years.

[K. in Cleveland]

Swinging is not something to be entered into lightly. And if both people don't agree on it, then it should not be done. Openness and honestly is of utmost importance, even more so than in a monogamous relationship (in my opinion) because of the possibility of trouble. There's an understood rule amongst swingers that if one person starts to have feelings for someone other than their mate, then it is time to stop playing with that couple. I know many people say they couldn't stand the sight of another man or woman with their wife or husband. That's because jealousy and feelings stand in the way. With couples who are happy swingers there is neither of this. Dan and Jennifer have used the definition (OK I'm paraphrasing) that swinging is just like any other social activity for a couple. That's it. Social, sex is sex, not love, not feelings... just sex.
(Stepping down a notch) OK, now that I've explained that to death.. I can understand where you are both coming from. Your wife just wants to spice things up a bit. She seems to want to make you happy by offering the swinging, rather than having gone out and cheated. But the fact that she wants it to be separate is kind of interesting to me. I don't know many couples (just one) who started out with separate play... it's usually together... at least in the beginning. In my experience, part of what makes it fun is seeing one's mate get pleased by someone else...

Enough speculation on my part. What you need to do is have a heart to heart with one another. Tell her how you feel. (btw, I think it's hot when a guy talks about his feelings) Tell her you don't really like the idea of her having sex with another man. Let her know why. Have her explain where she's coming from and why she wants this. Is it something she just wanted to do once for the fun of it, or is it something she wants as a regular thing. The most important thing is to be open and honest with one another and explain how you feel and why you want or don't want certain things. The last thing I want is for you two to get divorced over something like this. I would never suggest to anyone having the least bit of insecurity to try swinging. Please, if you haven't already, check out some of Dan and Jennifer's youtube videos on this. Normally I'd insert one or two videos, but there's really a lot that may be able to help you. Here's a link to their videos related to swinging.

I wish you both the best, good luck. And hey, don't feel bad that you aren't on board with the idea... it really is not for everyone. Just be open and tell her how you feel and things will be easier than accusing or fighting with each other.

[Pvt Gi Jane]

Hi Ray

I must say I share the same feelings than you! Me and my husband also considdered the swinging game, but decided to resist.

We've (I) got a few concerns:

1. All of us know that a condom can only handle that much, what if it doesnt keep
it up??? Ya sure all the swingers goes for HIV tests, but we also know that
there is a 2 weeks window period, where they might not pick it up. Or worse,
may they had a nice time with someone else 2 days ago, ye and you get the
Virus!!! Just wondered by myself if I am willing to risk my life for sex.

2. Woman can easily fall in love with someone they have sex with, even if they
didnt plan on it!!! So what stop a woman or man to secretly start phoning, email
or sms the other swinger? Ya sure everyone else would say, its a matter of
trust, but when lust kicks in, I dont think theres much that would stop them.

3. Worry's for a man: What if the other guy is so fantastic in bed, let your wife
have double or triple as many orgasms or double as nice as you can do it???
Wouldnt she after that, have sex with him rather than you?? Or maybe he's
got a big "D" then maybe she wont be satisfied with you.

4. Worry's for a woman: Maybe your husband gave the "other women" such a
great time, she virtually scratched the paint off the walls and he was so turned
on by that, that sex with you seems boring after that (even if she was a hell
of a actress, which he would find out when it is to late)

It does sound "Kinky" to swing and I am happy for someone if it works for them,
but theres just so many things that can go wrong, would like to get stats on swingers, if they would be honest, on if they'r really still happily married and if the thought reeeeeeaaaaallly didnt cross their minds, to have a secret date with another swinger??? lol

Good night Ray and everybody, stay cool

[K. in Cleveland]

I agree with your concerns, and I totally understand them. I cannot speak for all swingers, but I can say what I know from my experience.

Originally Posted by Pvt Gi Jane

We've (I) got a few concerns:

1. All of us know that a condom can only handle that much, what if it doesnt keep
it up??? Ya sure all the swingers goes for HIV tests, but we also know that
there is a 2 weeks window period, where they might not pick it up. Or worse,
may they had a nice time with someone else 2 days ago, ye and you get the
Virus!!! Just wondered by myself if I am willing to risk my life for sex.

This is true, and it is just something you have to weigh before hand. I feel swinging is much safer than what a lot of college kids do, because it is a more stable environment and people do wear protection and get tests. However, you do have to trust that person you are with. This is why they had to stop calling it "Safe Sex" and start saying "Safer" because nothing is 100% except not doing it.

Originally Posted by Pvt Gi Jane

2. Woman can easily fall in love with someone they have sex with, even if they
didnt plan on it!!! So what stop a woman or man to secretly start phoning, email
or sms the other swinger? Ya sure everyone else would say, its a matter of
trust, but when lust kicks in, I dont think theres much that would stop them.

This is where honesty and open communication is a must. If I started to have feelings for someone I was playing with it wouldn't be fair to my man, the guy I liked, or his wife if I tried to sneak a little somethin somethin behind everyone elses' backs. This is the time when I would have to say to the other guy, "I really like you, but I think we have to stop playing because I really like you. Even if my own relationship was rocky, it is not fair to the other couple and their family for me to wreck their lives. This takes personal restraint and discipline. If someone does not think they can do it, then they should not swing.

Originally Posted by Pvt Gi Jane

3. Worry's for a man: What if the other guy is so fantastic in bed, let your wife
have double or triple as many orgasms or double as nice as you can do it???
Wouldnt she after that, have sex with him rather than you?? Or maybe he's
got a big "D" then maybe she wont be satisfied with you.

I guess this is a personal difference too. I've had guys who did things a lot longer or who were bigger, or whatever... but I love my man. That's what counts. The intimate connection between us is more important than the sex. But no matter what size or shape the other guys are, I've never found difficulty being satisfied with him. Same thing for most of the couples we know. The sex is just a social activity.. there's no sharing of secrets, no intimate details... just sex. If someone wants the other stuff then they are looking for polyamory.

Originally Posted by Pvt Gi Jane

4. Worry's for a woman: Maybe your husband gave the "other women" such a
great time, she virtually scratched the paint off the walls and he was so turned
on by that, that sex with you seems boring after that (even if she was a hell
of a actress, which he would find out when it is to late)

Same as above... Also wanted to add, sometimes couples decide one act is too personal and agree not to do it with their swing partners.. usually kissing would be the agreement. I know a few couples who have decided kissing is too personal and more of a love act than a sex act, so they do not kiss others.

Originally Posted by Pvt Gi Jane

It does sound "Kinky" to swing and I am happy for someone if it works for them,
but theres just so many things that can go wrong, would like to get stats on swingers, if they would be honest, on if they'r really still happily married and if the thought reeeeeeaaaaallly didnt cross their minds, to have a secret date with another swinger??? lol

Again, I cannot speak for all swingers, only my personal experience.. but.. is this really any different from any monogamous relationship? Don't people get divorced who are in a monogamous relationship because one partner (or both) have cheated and gone outside of their marriage? I think this is human nature. However, I do believe that it helps a good relationship remain strong. Sexually, things don't get stale and boring when you get to try new partners....

I would never recommend anyone try swinging if they are not sure of themselves, their own intentions, feelings, and desires. If someone has any doubts as to whether they could see their mate with another person and not gt jealous or angry. If you do not have a strong relationship and are hoping to "fix" it by introducing swinging. Sometimes the fantasy of swinging can be better than the reality for people. You just have to know you and your relationship.

[Dan And Jennifer]

Great stuff guys!

We can't stress enough, the importance of communication in a relationship.

I am a little concerned about her wanting to meet separately - she making looking for more than just sex. It's much easier to create an intimate, emotional connection one on one that with three other people in the room.

Dan and I feel that meeting separately is the danger zone and should only be done if you are extremely secure in your relationship and talk about it openly and honestly afterward - especially the feelings and emotions that come up.

We do know people who do this regularly - it's not for us. Everything we do for fun, we do as a couple.

If she's just wanting to experience having sex with another man that's one thing. Wanting to connect with another man is completely different.

I'm just curious... Did she have someone specific in mind? Maybe she's attracted to this person and is afraid to tell you, so she introduced the idea of swinging so that she can get closer to him and make it OK?

I'm not trying to freak you out, I just follow my gut and intuition when responding to these posts and let my thoughts flow freely...

Here's question for you. Why the jealousy? What are you afraid of? Do you feel that your wife is your property and belongs to you? Would it really be so bad for her to feel pleasure - even if someone else gives it to her?

I'm not saying your wrong for your feelings - there are no right or wrong feelings - they are just feelings and we all have them. I'm just asking you to dig a little deeper to try to understand where these feelings are coming from.

The important thing here is that you talk, talk, talk. And make this decision as a couple!

[SnakeBabe]

Originally Posted by Pvt Gi Jane

.......

3. Worry's for a man: What if the other guy is so fantastic in bed, let your wife
have double or triple as many orgasms or double as nice as you can do it???
Wouldnt she after that, have sex with him rather than you?? Or maybe he's
got a big "D" then maybe she wont be satisfied with you.

4. Worry's for a woman: Maybe your husband gave the "other women" such a
great time, she virtually scratched the paint off the walls and he was so turned
on by that, that sex with you seems boring after that (even if she was a hell
of a actress, which he would find out when it is to late)
.....

As time goes on there will always be someone who is:
Younger,
Sexier
Better body
More hair
Less hair
Bigger d**k
Firmer Boobs
Tighter Vajayjay
Thinner
Etc, etc…
I am just happy that my hubby gets to enjoy it regardless of whether I deliver it or someone else.
It’s just sex but when it comes to who we want to cry with, have long walks with, snuggle with no one has anything to offer that can beat the hugs we have for each other
Hugs and Hissessss,
Maria