Swinging gone wrong....

[K. in Cleveland]

OK, if you've been here for awhile you have probably figured out that I enjoy trying to get people to think and talk, and share their thoughts... Well here's something where I hope to promote discussion and education for anyone considering swinging, or already into the lifestyle...

This past weekend we had the honor of meeting a very nice couple who are new to the swinging thing. They had played with one couple before, and because of their experience almost gave up on the idea! For the purpose of education I'm going to share their experience.
Both couples had never tried swinging before, so neither one of them really knew what to do. Our friends had both been with other partners before they met each other, but the other couple had not... and were admittedly into "rough sex".
Well, our friends thought they liked it a little rough too, from time to time... So after a few drinks and hors de vours, they were off to separate rooms to play, or so they thought. They left feeling more like they had been raped and abused, and she didn't even want to talk about it until a few hours after they got home...


So, what went wrong? Well, this other couple both enjoyed very rough sex, BDSM to the point of enjoying blood being drawn... and our friends did not, they thought "rough sex" was something totally different. So, how can this be avoided? In my eyes, seeing as they were both new, they should have talked a lot more before hand, explaining what each of them actually enjoyed. During sex, they should have spoken up saying "Wait a minute, that hurts, please stop!" and afterwards, they definitely should have spoken with each other, saying what was good and what was bad. Also, for everyone's first time, maybe separate room wasn't a great thing... this can be difficult for some long time swingers to deal with...

Now, for discussion, does anyone else have a "Swinging gone wrong" story they'd like to share? Please feel free to post... or if you're too embarassed to have your name, send me a private message and I'll post it anonymously for you It's always good to learn from others' experiences.

[Saishuu]

Hey thats a really good story.

Me and my partner are both considering swinging, and now definitely going to make sure it is in the same room.

However,

My partner is really shy and I'm worried she would not speak-up if she was not happy with what was being done to her.

I try to get her to speak up for herself but I think I would be much more comfortable watching her.

do you think this would be a problem?

[Dan And Jennifer]

Hi K. Great idea!

I would love to hear more stories like this one for one simple reason. I've yet to come accross a story like this that could not have been completely avoided with a little communication - before, during, and after.

Most "swinger disasters" can be chalked up to a simple misunderstanding - had only the "injured" party just spoken up! Friendships and marriages could be saved...

[Dan And Jennifer]

Hi Saishuu.

If your partner cannot or will not speak up for herself then you should definitely be with her at all times - at least until you know and are very good friends with your playmates...

[K. in Cleveland]

Yes, I agree with Dan and Jennifer, if she cannot speak up for herself you should definitely be there with her. You know her best, and you would be able to tell if something is bothering her even if she's not saying so. Then you would be able to tactfully deal with it and intervene while maintaining the friendship... I always think of it as a friends with benefits kind of thing between couples, however I am aware that some couples are just into it for the sex... but I do feel that for new swingers a friendship with the other couple would probably be easier, and more comfortable.

[JelloTranz]

Man years ago when my wife and I first got into the lifestyle we had a similar issue. My wife certainly would say something if someone was really hurting her, but that’s about it. If she wasn’t enjoying the sex, she would not say anything to the other person. It took a few months and some really bad sex for her to finally be able to say something.

Now she has no problem stopping mid coitus and saying “What the hell are you doing? I’m not a freeway and you’re not a jackhammer” Yes she actually told one guy that once…

Until she can do that, you need to heed Dan and Jennifer’s advice and look out for her, which you should be doing anyways,.

[NightHawk0]

... is that the couple who is into BDSM should know about safe words. They should also know that people have different boundaries AND RESPECT those boundaries.

Since the one couple was new, the "veteran" couple should have set the ground rules on safe words and hopefully none of this would have happened.

I was once involved with someone who later told me that she liked to be hit. Here I was thinking hard spankings and what not. NOoooo. She liked to have bruises left.
She got pissed that I wouldn't go over that line and needless to say that relationship ended.

I could just very bad things coming out of that.

[swinger2001]

Before doing anything with a couple, the other couple should communicate about what they are looking for that evening and other times. They should communicate a signal that lets the other person know that they are not comfortable. A signal that seems normal to others, but means "no." A cough, playing with a drink glass, twirling the hair, etc. When somebody says they are into rough sex, say, "What do you mean rough sex?" Communication. There is no rush. If they want to play then, they will probably will play later. Better happy with your mate, than sorry.

[swinger2001]

The reason I mentioned hand signals, is that they work. Many women don't feel comfortable saying "NO" verbally. They don't want to offend anybody. Most women don't mind using hand or verbal signals though. I met a couple once at a regular non-swinging club for the purpose of playing. She chatted with me for awhile and then said a few things to her husband with me next to them. She smiled and said, "We are ready to go to house place. Are you ready?" I relaized that many things she had said let her husband know she was approving of me and wanted a threesome. I was very happy to say the least.