Should I Divorce My Husband or Stay for the Kids? (Video)

This scenario is much more common than you may believe…

A couple has been married for 5 years or more, they have 2.5 kids, and live in a suburban wonderland.

All of a sudden, they realize they’re not "a couple" anymore, just roommates. The spark has vanished without a trace. Gone are the days or love, romance, excitement, happiness. It’s just dreary, boring, playing house with a roommate you can no longer stand.

Remember those days you couldn’t let each other go to sleep at night, and couldn’t wait to wake up and be together? Yeah, they’re gone. You don’t know why, but they’re long gone.

And suddenly, you meet someone new, fun, and exciting. Maybe even an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend from college. And suddenly you feel alive again, like you’ve been woken from a bad dream.

With one minor detail of course… your spouse and the 2.5 kids.

So what do you do? Stay with your spouse and continue the unhappy marriage, seek counseling, or divorce?

You decide. Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years and with him for a total of 9 years. We have three kids together. For a long time now we have not gotten along, there have been fights, some physical, he was arrested for trying to push me out of a car, there is emotional abuse, and I am just not happy. I told him I want a divorce.

Well, we are in financial ruin with debt a lot of debt and cannot afford a separate residence – which is a criterion for divorce in our state. You must live in separate places for a year.

In addition the financial aspect of it scares me, but I honestly don’t think I’m in love with him anymore, and I am quite certain that if we didn’t have children together I would leave and probably wouldn’t have married him in the first place. He is on the other hand a wonderful dad, and we have a great "community image" with lots of friends, etc. and he’s a teacher.

To complicate things I began speaking to a male friend of mine from college again and it began as friends, and has escalated into an affair. He lives 600 miles away but has come up to visit me and I am planning on visiting him as well. He is divorced and has a son and on the bad side he is a drunk.

But, when I speak to him, I am just completely and totally in love. I have known him for about 13 years and we were even roommates at one time, but involved with other people.

I just feel like for the first time in my life I have found true love and happiness, except for the fact that I am married to someone else. I don’t know what to do, I feel that by staying in my current marriage (I have told my husband of my feelings for this other person, but he still wants to try to make things work) it is unfair to me, and to my husband who should have someone who is in love with him.

I also think of my children and that I may possibly screw up their lives with my own selfishness….any advice is greatly appreciated.

- Tanya

Watch this short video for the answer…

Don’t forget to go to YouTube and rate this video and subscribe to our channel.

Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts - leave a comment below.

Dan and Jennifer are the Founders and Senior Editors of AskDanAndJennifer.com, which has been called "the best and most popular Love and Sex advice column on the Internet today". Their videos are some of the most popular videos on YouTube. Don't forget to ask your dating, love, and sex questions in the Ask Dan and Jennifer - Love, & Sex Forums. You should Fan Dan & Jennifer on Facebook and Follow them on Twitter!

Posted On April 26, 2007 · Filed Under Break Up & Divorce · Tagged With abusive relationship, affair, break up, divorce, emotional abuse, husband, Relationship Advice, stay for the kids, unhappy marriage, unhappy relationship

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Comment Policy: Keep it positive and on topic. Comments will be promptly deleted if that are 1.) spammy (i.e. keyword like "dating tips" in place of your name, 2.) not related to this article, or 3.) in any way offensive or attacking to anyone. It's OK to disagree but it must be in a respectful and positive manner. Thanks!

Jeff Kee

HAHA the 2.5 kids part made me laugh... What's half a kid, a dog? Or a paraplegic kid? .. OK that was a terrible cruel joke.

I'm in support of the divorce.. of course in an ideal world people wont' rush into these marriages that don't last but oh well. The kids will have to learn the word "Hardship" at some point as I did when I was 17. Even at 17 it was hard to deal with at first but you get used to it adn one day it's all OK.

Angie

It makes you stop and ponder, though, why so many people DO stay together for the kids. My parents did and it actually shielded me from a lot of the pain I was not ready to deal with at a young age. They divorced when I was in college and I was more cognitively able to understand the issues.

My ex left when my daughter was 2. Talk about a mess. The poor kid is so confused.

Sharon Olsen

I am also contemplating divorce and have 3 kids. No my husband or I aren't having affairs but have fallen out of love some how.I too feel like roomates and are playing house. Can you ever get that love back?

Katy G

Tt's time to move on to someone else. It's not healthy for you or either of your children to stay together for their sake. If you're looking for additional help on this sort of topic, I suggest you visit - www.shouldidivorcehim.com. I have found it to be quite helpful!

Brandon

I really think that this women should not have cheated on him. When you cheat....its obvious that you dont care about your kids either. What I dont understand is if you have already cheated and your planning on meeting this guy again...why ask yourself the question of whether or not you need to stay in this for the kids. The kids are innocent in this situation. And if u was my wife and I found out about this I would divorce you as quick as the law would let me. Also, if you do end up leaving and get hitched with this "drunk" (which I think is rediculous, you dont know how drunks really act, they could be very abusive), if I was the father I would take you to court for full custody of these kids because if your living in the house with a drunk so to speak, then I would have that as proof of an unfit household because of an alcoholic living in the house. Thats just me and I have no sympathy for this woman. Also, the comment made about the half of kid being a dog or something, well buddy did you ever think that she could be pregnant. Very rude statement about the paraplegic kid as well. Hope the father finds out quick about this and makes the right move!!!!!!!!!

mike

This is why so many people are refusing to get married now. I'm not an expert. But from what I have observed one person is usually at fault a lot more than the other. One usually takes the other for granted in various ways. Certain people pass off most of the parental responsibilites on the other, or put their needs ahead of their partners. Or just flat out let their physical appearance slide once they have become married. Whatever the reason may be, things seem to end bad. If you are unhappy then address the issue with your spouse. Don't let it slide, but don't nitpick either. Use common sense and address the real issue that is affecting your relationship. Not trivial things. As far as cheating. People need to wake up. The person trying to cheat with you is going to con you. They will make you think things will never be like with them. Truthfully many of the problems you have with your current spouse, you'll probably have with them. Believe me guys know how to say what a woman wants to hear so they can have some fun. Do not stay married for the kids sake.

DevonC

Staying together for the kids is the right thing to do. The courts will ravage both of your finances for the sake of the kids and ruin their chances of having a solid family foundation mentally and emotionally.
Your happiness was chosen when you made your promise to love. Love is not a feeling of happiness.
Doing the right thing is always what love would do. Even if it hurts, allot. Love is not selfish.
The children usually have to see counselors and/or therapists because of numerous selfish actions of parents who give up cause heartache in the family.
While not condoning abuse, that word is used for every form of discomfort in a marriage.
Immaturity is the "un-happy" part of most bad marriages.
Love is a long-term choice and commitment to something bigger than yourself. Your parents probably didn’t teach you this.

Can we just grow up?

Dan and Jennifer

Hi Devon.

Thanks for the great comment. While I do agree that we should all grow up and that love is not happiness - they are two very different emotions...

Here's my question(s)...

You say that "Doing the right thing is always what love would do."

Who determines what is right?
Should we always do what's right for others rather than what's right for us as individuals?
Is what's right for one person, also right for everyone else?

This is something that we talk about all the time and I would love to hear you thoughts because you were able to present your perspective without attacking anyone else in the discussion.

Please don't think I'm attacking you... Your response just got me thinking and questioning.

Mark

Stay with your husband! You made a commitment, stick to it. Are you investing in the relationship, talking to each other, working on that special friendship that only comes with time? When a couple say: "For better or for worse" it should mean that when the "worse" comes, they weather through it.

As for the kids. Well, that's the whole point of marriage? I mean from an evolutionary point of view, that's why we stick together in the first place. That is what builds a strong community, a strong society.

Yes, the kids will be very hurt if you leave. They will blame themselves. Life is not about lurching from one thrill (infatuation with another man) to another. You need to work at life. It's hard. Be grateful that you are not struggling for your next meal, like most of the world's population. Settle down, put your own insecurities and fantasies in a box somewhere and work to make your relationship good again.

For the sake of your kids, for the sake of your family, for the sake of your country and for your sake. Because, if you stick it out and work at your marriage, you will be the one to gain. If you leave him for a drunkard, you will face the consequences.

Beverly Pouncy

The comments given by Devon, are the way it should be, too many people put self first and are always looking for excitment and not love. Love is patient, love is kind and love is not selfish. Let's put the children first for a change in todays world. You might see a difference in many of our children if they were not made to think (Daddy or Mommy) didn't love me enough to want to stay and love and protect me. Weekend parents are just not good at parenting.

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