Clean Your House

Cleaning your house can be one of the best ways to get over a break up. Take everything that the person gave you and put it in a closet. Don’t throw it away because you might need it some day. Pictures and other gifts that your ex-girlfriend gave you can bring back memories and make you feel even worse. Put them out of sight so that you aren’t thinking about the break up every time that you walk into your living room. You might feel like you’re betraying her for some reason by removing pictures or placing other things she gave you in a closet, but this will pass.

Update Your Facebook

Remove here from your Facebook account and set the “In A Relationship” setting to “Single.” You can’t do this fast enough after a break up has occurred. One of the reasons that you must do this immediately is because you could still get updates from her account every time that you log in. This can be a quick stab to the eye with a quick click of the mouse. Removing her Facebook doesn’t have to be malicious, but it’s better to do it to her first than have her do it to you.

Get Out

Sitting around the house and wallowing in your sorrows is only going to make you feel worse. Get out of the house and hang around with friends. Going through a break up alone will extend the healing process. Get out of the house and go to a friend’s house or spend time with your family. Friends and family will be considerate of what you’re going through. They can give you a shoulder to cry on and perspective on why the break up happened.

Consider Idealization

One of the biggest problems with a break up is that over time we can idealize the relationship. We idealize the good parts and tend to forget why the relationship failed in the first place. Instead of thinking about trips that you took together or holidays, think about all of the problems that you had. This will help you realize that she wasn’t right for you. Look forward to a future where you won’t have all of the problems that you did with her and you will gain a little perspective on why you broke up.

Take Up A Hobby

A great way to get over a break up is to put all of the energy that you had in your previous relationship into a hobby. Taking up a sport or focusing on your work is a good way to have goals. When you implement goals into your life, you will be able to spend more time on obtaining them. Team sports can work really well because they get you out of the house and around other people.

Set A Timeline

Set up a timeline for when you want to go on another date. We all need a cooling period after a break up, but you also need to get back into the saddle when you feel comfortable. Setting up a timeline will allow you to grieve for the previous relationship, but also puts you on track to start seeing other people. If your relationship was over two years, you could need up to 5 months to really be over it. If you reach the end of your timeline and you’re still not ready to start seeing somebody, give yourself more time. This is not a setback; it’s simply an extension.

Don’t Do A Comparison

Don’t compare new girls in your life to your ex-girlfriend. You broke up with your ex so she wasn’t good enough for you. There were problems with that relationship and it’s over now. Just because your ex hurt you doesn’t mean that another girl will. Have a fresh perspective on new girls and give them the trust and respect that they deserve. Don’t let your guard down completely, but you don’t want to have somebody paying for the mistakes that an ex made.

We have all been there. You go out with a guy a couple of times and things are great for the first two dates. After the third date things are kind of bland and by the fourth date you know that this is not somebody that you want to be with. One of the most heartbreaking aspects of this scenario is the fact that he’s still into you. Knowing how to break up with him without hurting his feelings can be a weight off of your shoulders. When done properly, you might even still be able to maintain a friendship. Here are a few ways that you break up with him without hurting his feelings.

Nip It In The Bud

A lot of women feel like the man that they’re dating could come around so they try to stick it out. This is not something that should be recommended. Even if he is really nice, you need to break up as soon as you know that he’s not right for you. Doing it in the beginning will save him a lot of heartache in the end. Dragging the relationship out because you feel like you might grow to love him is selfish. Not breaking up with him is selfish also. By breaking up with you are doing him a favor.

Avoid Clichés

“It’s not you…it’s me” and “You’ll find somebody” are patronizing and he could get very offended. When a guy gets offended he get defensive. The last thing that you want is a defensive man that starts verbally attacking everything about you. Just explain to him that you think he’s a great man, but that he’s not right for you. This is an easy way to say that you’re not interested and there’s not much he can do about it. Since you haven’t been seeing him for very long, he shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

Be Specific

Using vague statements like “I’m looking for something different” is not enough. When you tell him that he’s not right for you, explain why. Whether it be that you want a partner that wants kids and marriage or that you need someone that is a little more romantic, specifics are best for a break up. This gives him a clear reason of why you don’t want to continue the relationship. You don’t have to attack him or his personality, but make sure that he understands why you are breaking up.

Don’t Be Overly Apologetic

Only say “I’m sorry” once. You’re not taking his house away from him; you’re breaking up with him. Since you’ve only been out with the fella a few times his world isn’t going to pieces. Don’t act like you are the end all and that he’s never going to find another person. Just say, “I’m sorry that we didn’t work out” and leave it at that. When you start apologizing profusely he’s going to think that you’re obsessed with yourself. Statements like “It’s not like you’re Heidi Klum” might come up if you show an inflated ego.

Don’t Stick Around

One of the worst things that you can do is ask him out to dinner when you’re breaking up with him. Don’t put yourself into the situation of having an obligation after you deliver the news. Ask him out for a drink or go over to his house. If you ask him over to your home, you might have to ask him to leave. Always have an escape route. If you stick around he might just try to change your mind. Make it clear that you have no interest in seeing him again and then leave the situation.

Trying To Be Friends

If you have left the situation amicably then you’re in the minority. Most men do not want to be friends with girls they have dated in the past. However, if he wants to still be friends with you, give it a little distance. Remaining friends with a man after you have dated is an honorable thing to do, but if you agree to this you should definitely keep out of touch for a little while. When you break up with a guy, the game begins. A girl that breaks up with a guy is a challenge and men love challenges. Keep the phone calls, text messages and emails to a minimum. Checking up on him can make you seem like his mother and that’s not needed either. Let him live his life after the break up. Don’t let guilt get the best of you. Furthermore, you should be out living your own life instead of worrying about how he’s doing.

What She Said:

Getting over an ex is never fun – but with the right breakup advice, it doesn’t have to be complete torture. Be gentle with yourself while you process what you just went through; but don’t wallow. There’s someone great waiting out there for you. Dry your eyes and follow these tips. You’ll be tripping through the daisies with someone new in no time!

Embrace The Old Adage

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It’s tried and true. Be sure you’re emotionally ready to share your body with someone and practice safe sex. If you’re ready, you’ll find having a fun fling will help you begin to release the memory of your previous lover.

Lean On Your Friends

This is what friends are for! Call, email, text and lament. You need to vent. You need to process. Just be sure to keep your boundaries. Leaning on pals during tough times is good. Making their ears bleed six months down the line because you can’t shake your feelings is bad.

Wine & Time

There’s no better breakup advice than curling up with a delicious glass of Pinot Noir and contemplating life. Think about what went wrong in your last relationship. Learn from past mistakes so you don’t have to go through those particular lessons again. Don’t drink your face off – but do unwind for a moment. Time heals all wounds. It will pass. And the passage of time will be eased with some relaxation.

Exercise

Don’t overdo it on hitting the bottle. You don’t want “wine waist” – or the depression that comes with drinking too much alcohol. It’s all about moderation. Balance that moderation with plenty of exercise. It’ll help keep your mood elevated – and you’ll be fit for the next time you’re ready to search for love.

Get Back Out There!

You’ve had a fling. You’ve gabbed to your friends. You’ve gotten familiar with your favorite wineries. And you’ve clocked in the miles on the treadmill. Now the best breakup advice is to dust yourself off and enjoy your hard-earned fresh start. Embrace it today!

What He Said:

Burn It

Get rid of all the shit they gave you. Gifts, pictures, clothes, everything. Get rid of all the reminders of that person. Don’t hold on to anything of the past. You’re moving forward not looking back.

Routine Is Your Friend

Ground yourself in your daily routines. Focus more on those things on your to do list. Add a bunch of things to it too. The busier you are the better. It will help you engross yourself in the present and that is a big key to moving on.

Add Some Hobbies

If you’re not really into anything, get into it. If you’ve got a hobby already, throw yourself into it.

One Night Stands Are Your Friend

Supposedly the best breakup advice and the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Sex like that just works. Not really sure why? Because it lets your mind and body know there are other people out there and other fish in the sea and the sooner you catch one the better you’ll feel.

If you’re interested in learning how to win HER back, here’s a bit of information that might help. It may not be easy and it might not even work but if you don’t at least try, you will never know. You also need to understand that some relationships are just not meant to work and if that is the case with yours, then don’t even waste your time and effort. Rather look else where for comfort and a new beginning. However, the main objective here is to “win her back” and so this is how we do it.

Control Your Emotions

Firstly, you need to be in control of your emotions. This is not an easy task at present, emotions are running high for both of you, ranging from anger to grief and shock so it is difficult to try and focus. It requires both conscious effort and control and you need to keep your “eye on the ball” as it could be tough, time consuming and sometimes, demoralizing. But if you stay focused, then you have the opportunity to prove to yourself and everybody around you that you’re capable to deal with difficult situations.

Don’t Retaliate

When staying in control, you have to keep a mind to not retaliate. Most guys retaliate after a breakup and this definitely will make things worse than they already are. “Getting her back” or “making her want you more by making out with her friend” will NOT work. It will only validate her mistrust of you and push her away even further. You need to give your former girlfriend time alone, avoid contacting her, especially immediately after the break up. This is probably one of the most difficult things to do, but it is necessary and it also gives her a chance to miss you.

Don’t Hibernate

The last thing you need to do is “hibernate” as it is often tempting to stay at home along following a rough breakup and but this is the worse thing you could do. Not only will you be seen as weak, but it will exacerbate your situation even further driving home your sense of loneliness. It is important that you stay in touch with your friends and continue to enjoy life. You need to keep yourself busy.

How To Plan A Come Back Strategy

If you want to know how to approach your former girlfriend, talk to her friends (if they agree to talk to you), if not, be persistent and let them see you are genuinely regretful. The more information you can gather on her state of mind and her feelings towards you, the better. Research, organization and preparation hand in hand together with a romantic occasion should work hands down any time. Once you have an idea of where her mind is at, you can plan your approach accordingly and design a “come back” strategy that will not only impress her, but “blow her socks off.”

A while back, I broke up with my long term partner. Time’s passed and I found myself an amazing man and we’re in love. Then I find out my ex is going to marry to the first chick he dated after we broke up. I’m super angry, hurt, pissed and bummed. Why? How do I make it stop?

What She Said:

It’s natural to feel weird when someone you once loved has officially moved on. In fact, there’s a possibility he felt the same when he heard about your happy relationship. But the reality is that you’ve both moved on in big ways; the sooner you embrace that, the better.

Keeping Some Things To Yourself

It may go without saying, but I’d recommend keeping your depression to yourself versus confiding in your mate. I’m not advocating lying or keeping secrets – but this feeling will pass and it could be misconstrued in a detrimental way if you let your partner know you’re grieving the loss of your ex’s singledom. You’re happy, so why rock the boat?

How To Move On

If you’re feeling really bummed out, try writing a letter to your ex and then burn it. The purpose of this exercise is to express your feelings in a safe environment, then release them. Whatever you do, don’t send it or leave it lying around! It’s okay to feel sad for a bit – it is the end of an era. Acknowledge it – and then continue moving on. Surely you and your ex broke up for a reason. It might be good to revisit some of the bad times to ensure you don’t romanticize this guy too much.

You’re happy, you’re in a committed relationship and you’ve got nothing but the future ahead of you. It doesn’t involve your ex, but it does include a lot of new and exciting things. That sounds pretty good to me!

What He Said:

I guess the big question here is: why do you care? Maybe this guy was a real fixer up project when you met him. Maybe he was some fat, out of shape, slob with mommy issues and you turned him into a big man sized bowl of grade a quality ass. Then some other chick is enjoying the fruits of your labor? That would piss me off too. And you’d have every right to be upset. She owes you royalties, in that case. Or something.

Maybe you’re like this girl I used to know. She called herself the “practice wife” because every guy she was dating would immediately marry the next girl he dated after they broke up. She hated it. Eventually, she found a guy and they’re engaged.

This Too Shall Pass

Try not to read too much into this. Yes, it sucks. But it will pass. You’re happy in your new relationship, so what else matters? Jack shit, that’s what. Maybe you had visions of marrying that man, and maybe in retrospect, it wasn’t the best idea to start picking out your China patterns before it’s actually time to pick out the China patterns.

If getting married is something you want, sooner or later it will happen. That much is a given. The challenging part is enjoying the journey as much as possible and being kind and compassionate to yourself along the way. There’s really no point in being hard on yourself. Life is hard enough, and there are people lining up around the block to make it even harder on you. So why add on to the pile. Relax, enjoy and forget the douchebag. He’s her problem now.

You’ve broken up with your ex and are either single or with someone new, but you know you jumped back into the dating pool too soon. You realize this was a rebound knee-jerk reaction and what’s worse, you can’t get your ex out of your mind. You want her back and you want her back for good! Stick around because not only will I tell you how you can get her back, but how you can improve on your own life and self-image at the same time.

Learn To Live Your Life

We all know men and women are wired differently – “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus right?” But what if you could rewire the inner you, both physically as well as emotionally! You can and whilst you may not wake up tomorrow a totally new person both physically and emotionally (believe me it doesn’t even happen overnight on those reality television shows), the first step in creating a new you to win her back is to START living the life you want to live and being the person you and SHE wants you to be.

It can’t be that difficult or too far a reach or disconnect or else she wouldn’t have dated you in the first place right? We are all primed from early childhood, allocated labels, “athletic,” “academic,” “artistic” etc., but often these labels are self-fulfilling prophecies that create our identity as opposed to shaping our own identity.

Explore A New You

Despite the fact that your breakup with your ex might have been the catalyst for your desire to change, self-actualization, or becoming more confident is part of life’s evolution. With evolution, your needs change, you acquire wisdom and experience and now you have reached a stage where you need to try something different.

You may want to explore a new career, move to a different location, explore other activities and behaviors. In fact, this could also be the reason your relationship with your ex back-fired. Neither of you were getting what you needed. Perhaps she felt unappreciated or bored, and perhaps you found excuses to be away from home. However, the breakup between the two of you is treating the symptom, not the cause.

Take Care Of Yourself

Take the next couple of days to make a list of all the positive and negative factors in your relationship but at the same time, look after your health by eating healthy, exercising and getting enough sleep. This time apart allows you to reassess your life, and your possible life together with your ex, objectively.

By the time you meet up with your ex she will already begin to see the ‘new emerging you’; and might possibly be inspired to join you. Whatever the situation, it is important to remember that you’re not stuck with who you were in the past. We often feel like who or what we aspire to be has to “make sense.” But we’re always growing, and taking a leap into a new life is exciting and even better with your ex by your side.

It starts off as small steps and it was Confucius who said: “A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step,” and so to create a new you and a new relationship, it’s often the little things that are the first step.

When you are faced with problems in your relationship, it would be easy to walk away and let it fail, while it is harder to stay and work it through. When you are faced with these issues, to keep it in perspective, think of the way you felt when you first met and the reason you fell in love. Remember the good and the bad times you shared, and what makes it worth it.

You know that it takes two to tango, and this applies to your relationship as well. An effort from only one party is not going to prove to be successful.

Realize Why Relationships Fail

Many relationships fail for a number of reasons here are a few of the common ones:

• High expectations generally happen when entering a relationship viewing everything through rose-colored glasses/spectacles. When these expectations are not met disappointment and frustration soon follow.
• Financial issues are not taboo between couples. A household budget should be discussed early so you know what is expected of you. It is important to speak up about money issues when they first arise, and not scream about it when you both are angry.
• Manage your stress. Recognize what stresses you both out and do whatever you can to not fall prey. Too much stress can hamper one’s ability to think and respond properly.
• Compromise and do things as a couple. Go to a football match with him and take her shopping, or go on holiday together. Don’t be afraid to speak up and tell your significant other what you want and need. No offence to you guys, but you don’t take hints well, so learn to LISTEN, not just hear! Part of listening also involves not get defensive when she speaks to you, be genuine, compassionate, understanding and sincere.
• Spice up your relationship and go out and have a night on the town together. Bring home flowers and chocolates for no particular reason. Apologize if you have done something to upset her, and surprise her with something that she’s been wanting but do it for “no reason whatsoever” not because it’s her birthday or Valentine’s day.

It Takes Two To Make A Relationship Work

Both of you have to be committed to make this relationship work. Don’t scream, argue and curse, rather sit down, call a meeting and be reasonable and logical about it. Try not to get too emotional, speak calmly when you say what you have to say.

There are an abundance of tips that can stop your breakup, but like with all advice, it may not work in all situations. An understanding of your partner and what your relationship requires can provide you with what you need.

Examine Your Post Breakup Feelings

If you were the one who was dumped, you may have been taken by complete and terrible surprise. You could be reeling from the shock of things, wondering if you did something to bring on the breakup or not. If you believed that this particular person was the one, many of your core relationship beliefs could be quite shaken.

You may be wondering how you could’ve wrongly thought you chose the right person. You might even be questioning your ability to trust people again. If you fixate on all of this, you can easily spin into a downward spiral of loneliness and depression. You owe it to yourself not to let that happen. Do your stint of grieving, and then do your best to move forward.

Give Yourself Time To Grieve

No one will blame you for wanting to camp out at home eating ice cream and throwing back a drink or two post-breakup. Give yourself a couple of weeks to indulge in your sorrows, and then start trying to move on. Activate your support system. Your friends and family love you, and they will be happy to help comfort you in a time like this. Surround yourself with people that you know will cheer you up, and you’ll be reminded that you’re a person worth caring about. They’re not going to judge you if you need to cry, sulk or even set up a dart board with your ex’s face on it.

Get Some Support

Ask one or two specific friends to be your breakup point people. You know how people who are in AA have a sponsor? If they feel like they might go get a drink and fall off the wagon, they reach out to their sponsor and that person gets them through their rough spot. You breakup point person or people should do the same thing for you.

If you’re tempted to do something that will only make things worse, they will help come to your rescue. Thinking of calling your ex and trying to get your ex back? Call your breakup point person instead. If you’re contemplating driving by your ex’s place, consult your breakup point person first. They’ll help talk you out of it.

Getting Some Fresh Air

The other key to breakup recovery is that you’ve got to get out of your house. You might have to drag yourself off the couch, but once you’ve left the house, you’ll be surprised at how nice it is to get out there. Just being out and about running errands can be enough to remind you that life goes on, even after a particularly awful breakup.

You should also try throwing your energy into other areas of your life. Maybe you’re not exactly kicking butt in the romance arena, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a superstar at work. Try finding a new hobby, too. This works particularly well if there is something you’ve been wanting to try, but put off doing because of your now-ex.

For example, if you wanted to start taking Spanish lessons, but you were saving the money you could’ve spent on classes for a vacation with your S.O., sign up for a class. You’ll be learning something new that interests you and sticking it to your ex all in one. You might even meet someone new in your lessons. Distracting yourself with new hobbies and your friends’ help will have you smiling again in no time. Just don’t let negativity drag you down, and you’ll be feeling a lot better before you know it.

Step One: Get It Over With

First and foremost, don’t procrastinate. Once you’re certain you want to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, give yourself a day or two to plan how best to go about things, then carry out the break up. The longer you put things off, the more awkward it will be. Don’t even think about attempting to get the other party to dump you, either. Though it may be tempting to act aloof in the hopes they’ll save you the trouble and end it themselves, that’s cowardly.

Plus, your bad behavior will make you look like a villain to your mutual friends. Once you’ve decided when to break up, it’s time to formulate how to end things. It’s best that you be brave; talk to your future ex in person. If you absolutely cannot bear to do things face to face, calling over the phone is acceptable. However, breaking up in a text message, during an online chat, or in an email is simply not an option. Your S.O. deserves to hear your voice even if you’re not up to looking them in the eye.

Step Two: Get Your Speech Together

So once you’ve settled on when and how you’ll confront your boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s time to plan what you’ll say. Be honest without being harsh or overly hurtful. Don’t be highly accusatory, but if there were relationship problems, don’t leave them unaddressed. You owe it to your partner to explain what went wrong. They need to know for the benefit of their future relationships, and also so they won’t be left wondering why you dumped them. Just be sure to word things as politely as possible while acknowledging your own short comings, as well.

Step Three: The Actual Break Up

Of course, you can only plan ahead for so much. Once the actual break up begins, it’s hard to say how your boyfriend or girlfriend will react. Maybe they’ve secretly been unhappy, too, and will be relieved and calm. On the other hand, they might be completely shocked and extremely upset. Either way, you need to keep your cool. The calmer you manage to remain, the better you’ll look in the end. Don’t be overly cold, though—showing a little empathy will help.

Allow your partner to say their piece without interruption. Don’t evade their questions, and don’t lie to make yourself look better. Stand firm, too. If you’re truly ready to be out of the relationship, don’t give your ex-in-the-making any false hope for a second chance.

Step Four: The Aftermath

Once the break up is done, take a hiatus from speaking with your now-ex. Give them their space and take your own. Otherwise you’ll just prolong the drama. If you have a lot of mutual friends, you should be the bigger person and opt out of group activities so your ex can attend them. Gestures like that aren’t just fair, but also happen to show others that you’re trying to be as polite as possible about everything.

Remain on your best behavior and don’t trash-talk your ex, otherwise it might get back to him or her. Ultimately, if you handle the break up process calmly and politely, you’ll take a lot of the pain out of it. Not only will you show your ex-mate the courtesy they deserve, but you’ll ensure that your reputation remains unsullied.

What She Said

True friends support you and have your best interests at heart. And it sounds like these ‘friends’ are doing exactly the opposite. I sense a possible break up on the horizon – and not from your boyfriend.

Are Your Friends Really Your Friends?

It sounds like your friends are afraid to lose you versus actually being concerned about your happiness. You say you have a good relationship, which is great! The real question you should be asking yourself is, “Why aren’t they happy for me?”

Sometimes people want to hold other people back – it’s an unfortunate part of human nature. Your friends might not want the dynamic between you all to change. Perhaps you’ve been the life of the party – and they don’t want the party to end. Perhaps you’ve been the scapegoat. Whatever role you’ve subconsciously played, you’ve clearly done a good job because your friends want you to keep doing it!

Let Your Friends Know They’re Hurting You

Give your friends a chance. Speak honestly with them. Let them know you care about them and would still like to keep the friendship going (assuming that you honestly want to). However, be firm in letting them know that things are changing and they need to respect your choices. If they don’t respect you, especially if they continue to pressure you into ending something that’s making you happy, cut the cord. Life is way too short to be bullied by people who are supposed to care about you.

What He Said

It’s funny. I once had the opposite happen. I was dating a girl who I thought was “the one” (or at least in the running for that title), and when we had a break up, all my friends said “Oh, thank God. She was terrible for you.”

Getting To The Bottom Of It

I don’t know which is better. Your friends telling you how they feel or having your friends not tell you how they feel. I do know that it’s none of their damn business either way. I think the first thing to ask yourself is “Why are they saying this?” Is there a reason? Is he abusive, rude, cheap, etc? Do they say this about all your boyfriends? Are they in a relationship or in love? Are they happy people?

It sounds like you feel that your relationship is in fact solid, so if that’s true, the only question you should be asking yourself, in my opinion is “Why am I hanging around these people?” Mark Twain said “Have no friends not equal to your own.” These people aren’t up to your level, so it would seem.

Maybe they were never on your level. Maybe, they were at one point. Maybe you made some sort of radical life change (lost weight, got sober, broke some cycle of behavior, etc) and now you’re simply not that person any more. Often times, when two people are in a relationship and one has a drug addiction that couple breaks up when the addict gets clean. Why? Because the dynamics have changed. They aren’t who they used to be and that can cause a shift in the relationship.

There are a lot of potential things going on here, and only you can really figure out what the deal is and then how to proceed. Take a step back; really examine who you are and who your “friends” are. Take your time. Do not rush into anything. There’s no need to anyway. This is something that’s probably been building. Do whatever you feel is right.

Keeping Your Relationship Intact

But whatever you do, do not allow this to affect your relationship with your boyfriend. You see this destroy a lot of celebrity relationships. Two famous people are in a relationship and then they let outside factors (agents, managers, gossip columnists) creep their way into the relationship and then those outside factors act like a crowbar and pull the two apart and once it’s broken, there’s no fixing it.

I’m not saying your relationship will last forever or that it won’t. I’m just saying make sure that if it ends, the two of you are the ones to pull the plug.

What She Said

These things take time and there’s no accounting for someone else’s grieving period after getting a divorce. That said, some tough love might be needed soon.

Where Do You Draw The Line?

Of course, there’s a fine line between caring and codependency. It’s great to help your friend seek alternatives, but it’s not your sole responsibility. It’s important to set some boundaries. Tell your friend that you care, but venting about the ex is now limited to ½ hour of your time when you two hang out. (Or whatever limit you’re comfortable with. You get the drift). She’ll probably be bummed at first and might try to push you for more. Stand firm in your decision. When time is up, move to another topic. Allowing your friend to continue moping is clearly affecting your relationship. She might feel like you’re “not being a good friend.” Say that the cutoff is because you want to see her shine and that it’s in no way a lack of support.

The best you can do is encourage your friend to get back out there, all while recognizing that the choice to do so is hers alone. Invite your friend to the movies, the gym, parties and nights out on the town – places where she can get used to the social scene and get life going again.

You’re Not The Therapist

Remember, your role is “friend” not “professional therapist.” If she still needs to process the divorce, suggest that a counselor would be better suited for the emotional needs she has. It sounds like the subject of the former marriage has taken center stage for a long time. If she’s as good a friend to you as you are, she’ll most likely snap out of it and realize that you need a break from the baggage. Friendship is a two-way street; it’s her responsibility to meet you halfway.

What He Said

I have never been married, so obviously, I have never had a divorce. But last weekend I was in the gym, and I was trying to work out around some of the weekend warrior types (the type of guys who go to the gym and only exercise their jaw muscles and then wonder why they look like crap) and these two guys were talking about their children and their ex wives. The following conversation actually happened.

Guy #1: I don’t think I’ll ever live with another woman again. I will have my place, she will have hers. That will make it easier when we break up.

Guy #2: Yeah, I can’t do the serious intimacy any more. That’s why I just have sex with women.

Guy #1: I can’t even do that. I’m still do afraid to date.

Guy #2: Yeah, that was me for a little while after I got divorced six months ago. When did you get divorced?

Guy #1: 2005

Guy 2: (awkward silence)

I wanted to say what Guy #2 didn’t have the balls to: That’s sad. I don’t care how messy, painful or nasty the divorce was. Move the on already! Five years have passed and the guy is still damaged. I don’t know what the details of his situation are and I frankly don’t care. They don’t matter any more. His ex isn’t the problem, HE is the problem. And so is your friend.

What can you do? Probably nothing. I wouldn’t let her bring the issue up any more. If she does, tell your friend that she’s not allowed to anymore. Feel free to be a jerk about it. But only if you need to be. Try being very firm first. Say that you love her, but enough time has passed and you won’t be letting her drag you into this crap any more. If she wants talk endlessly about the problems she has, that is what Oprah is for. Not you.

Define The Problem At Hand

Maybe things haven’t been so great lately, and you’re starting to wonder if you and your significant other are really meant to be together after all. Before you kick their heart to the curb, ask yourself what the problem is. Have you been arguing constantly? Do you feel restless in the relationship and bored by your partner? Has your partner been avoiding you or acting disinterested? All of these can be reasons to end your relationship, but you have to understand what’s behind the problem before you can make the ultimate call. Break ups are never something you want to rush into.

If some other terrible life event has recently occurred, that may be at the root of your issues. If you or your partner has fallen ill, lost a job, had a family member die, etc., one of you may be taking out your problems on the other person. Though all these things can be pretty tragic, it’s highly likely that you’ll both be enjoying happier times within a few weeks or months. If you’ve got major stress, realize that it could be making you more easily annoyed with your partner, or vice versa. Don’t let that inform your overall view of your relationship.

Just try to be patient and supportive of each other. Remind yourself that this dark period won’t last forever. More importantly, try to remind yourself that you love this person, and they aren’t responsible for the other bad incidents in your life. Misplaced blame will only hurt you both.

Have You Fallen Out Of Love?

What if there isn’t some unrelated reason for the discord in your lives? If you find yourself bored with your significant other and wishing you could get back out in the dating world, you probably have fallen out of love. Break ups due to falling out of love aren’t as hurtful, especially if your partner feels the same way. Sometimes two people are just ready to move on. The same goes for constant, pointless arguing. You or your mate may be picking fights in an attempt to cause a break up, possibly even on a subconscious level. Don’t drag things out if that’s true. Make a clean break of it and save yourselves a lot of trouble. Long, slow break ups are the most painful kind there is.

How To Tell If You Should Really Break Up

Still having trouble determining whether this is an acute or chronic problem? The ultimate test to determine whether you should really end it is to simply imagine a future without your significant other. If you can easily visualize yourself dating other people and ending up with someone else, then you’ve reached the breaking point. If you find it nearly impossible to imagine a life without your mate, then you still love them. That’s an indicator that you’ve hit a rough patch, but you want to work through it.

If so, talk to your partner more and try to get at the underlying problem. Work toward a solution together. If your partner isn’t helpful, however, you may have to accept that they’re passive-aggressively angling for a break up. Difficult as it may be, you should probably end things. It may be painful at first, since you still care for your mate, but you shouldn’t try to force a miserable relationship to work. In the end, you’ll both be happier for it, even though break ups hurt at first.

Who Will Be Moving Out?

The first very important thing to decide when a break up happens is who will be moving out from the house or apartment. Will one of you be staying and the other one leaving, or are you both going to move out to other places? If you decide that only one of you is leaving, the person at fault for the breakup needs to be the one to move to a new place. That means that the dumper should go, because the dump-ee may not have seen this coming. They don’t deserve to have their entire life thrown into upheaval, unless the dump-ee is truly at fault because they cheated or did something else equally as terrible. Then they should definitely be kicked out of the apartment or home. The other exception would be if the dumper owns the house solely in their name, in which case the dump-ee should move out. In that scenario, the dumper should take action to help the dump-ee find a place before making them leave the shared living space.

Divide Shared Possessions

Once you’ve decided who is staying and who has to go, you need to divide up anything that’s shared by both parties. This can be tough and lead to lot of arguing and fighting, but it is a completely necessary step. The best thing that you can do, especially if you’re the dumper or cause of the break up, is try to be as amicable as is possible. If there are items in your home that you both use, but only one of you paid for, the buyer should get first dibs on that item. If there are shared items that you paid for together, things get significantly more complex. The best solution here is to attempt to balance out the value of what you both end up with. If you and your significant other bought both the couch and the bed together, one of you should get the couch and the other the bed. If you know your now-ex really wants the bed, be the bigger person and take the couch. Even if you’re mad at each other, you’ll feel better about it in the end (and avoiding yet another argument doesn’t hurt, either).

What About Shared Friends And Shared Pets?

What if the shared item isn’t an item so much as an entity? If you have a pet together and can remain somewhat amicable, you can try to share the pet. Perhaps you can switch off who keeps it every other week or so, not unlike a divorced couple shares custody of their children. If the break up was too sour, and you can’t stand the idea of having an on-going link to your ex, then the person who was at fault needs to let the other person keep the pet. Ditto for shared friends. If you aren’t okay with seeing each other at group events that mutual friends are involved in, you either need to rotate events for awhile, or decide who gets to see which friends. That could easily be the most difficult discussion of your entire relationship, but it can prevent a lot of future drama (and you can still see these friends one-on-one as often as you wish).

In the end, if you make every effort to be the biggest person and think somewhat rationally during an otherwise emotional experience, you will greatly reduce the amount of drama involved with moving out after a breakup.

Brain Activity After A Breakup

Aside from the potential painfulness of this exercise, the scientists discovered that “the brain areas associated with the pain of romantic rejection were the same ones involved in reward, motivation, physical pain, craving and addiction. For instance, looking at photos of exes lit up regions that are activated in cocaine addicts’ brains.”

It’s possible that anyone reading a romance novel could tell you that, but it goes deeper in explaining why the feelings of heartbreak are so hard to get over – it’s the same feeling experienced from pain, addiction and a host of other things. Lucy Brown, professor of neuroscience and neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, thinks it’s helpful for people to know that breaking up is supposed to hurt. “One guy called back the next day and said he thought the self-knowledge really helped,” she says.

Can You Avoid A Breakup?

It’s true that sometimes relationships just can’t be worked out and that dealing with the pain of a break up, struggling through the loneliness and emerging with new self-awareness is part of a growing process. Especially since the study participants were college-aged, these processes are to be expected. But so often I find that people have given up too easily on significant, meaningful relationships because of a lack of dedication to working through a problem.

There is a fine line between being a sucker for someone who hurts you repeatedly and with no indication that the behavior will change – and of course I’m not advocating staying in a dysfunctional relationship. I discuss finer details and techniques in my book, Make up Don’t Break up, but if both parties admit there are problems before the relationship gets to a dire point, and both people are willing to put effort into putting things back together I believe most relationships are salvageable.

But why do you want to stay friends? If it because you have common interests and get along like the best of friends, great! However, if it is just because the thought of him not being in your life makes your heart ache, this is the wrong reason. Think about how much worse your heart will feel when he finds someone new and expects you to like her.

In fact, if you want a list of reasons why you should not stay friends with an ex, here you go: you want to stay in his life, you want to keep tabs on him, you want to see who he is dating, you want to keep him wrapped around your finger, you want to make him jealous of your new boyfriend, you want to keep him around for the future  just in case and the absolutely worst reason? Because you still love him.

Why Being Friends Might Not Work

Just let it go. You are not friends.  You are a tie which is waiting to be cut.

The key to making a friendship work just like a relationship is communication. You must talk about your feelings for one another and where you stand in each others’ lives. A piece of misguided advice you may hear a lot is to not discuss new relationships with one another. However, this begs the question, why not? If you are not able to talk about your new boyfriend or to hear the details of his new girlfriend, why is it? My guess is you’re not quite over him (or vice versa). And if you are not over him, you cannot truly be friends with him yet.

Together, you should discuss what went wrong with your own relationship and why you are better suited as friends. Only after you have come to terms with these facts can you move on and allow each other to be happy with someone else.

When He Meets Someone Else

Which brings me to my final point: you must be friendly with his new girlfriend. Once she hears of your past fling, she is bound to feel awkward, jealous, or even angry with you for sticking around. Ease her worries and reassure her that you have no intentions of stealing him away. In turn, when you have a new boyfriend, he may also feel uncomfortable with your continuing friendship. Your ex should put forth effort to befriend him. Nevertheless, if after all this, your new boyfriend is still bothered by the situation, you should ask yourself: is a friendship with my ex worth a possible breakup?

Question: My girlfriend and I just broke up. She stills wants to be friends. I still love her so I am asking if I should try to win her heart again or try to be just friends?

–YouTube Viewer

Be Honest With Yourself – And Your Ex

If you want to win your ex back, be honest with yourself. Don’t try to be just friends with your ex if that’s not what you really want to do. You can’t hide under the ruse of being friends with your ex if you really want to be together again. First, be honest with yourself and admit to yourself that you don’t want to be just friends and that you want your relationship back. Then be honest with your ex too. Let them know you want something more, and you want to give it your all. Don’t half-ass this one. This is one thing you need to do with all your heart and soul. If you want your ex back, go get them back. Do what you need to do to make it happen.

Taking A Break

Your ex may not want to go another round in the relationship ring and if that’s the case, back off a little. Take a break from the emotional upheavel that you and your ex just experienced from the break up and relax a little. Let the air clear and let your emotions settle. If you or your ex are particularly upset or emotional about the break up, trying to be friends without giving yourself adequate time to heal can be a disaster. After you and your ex have had enough time apart to approach each other with a possible friendship, try to be just their friend. Nothing more, nothing less. See where it goes.

Letting Go

Unfortunately, not everything works out the way we want it to. If you want to win your ex back, they may want no part of it. They may not even want to be friends, or it may be vice versa. You may want to move on and your ex may still want to be in a relationship with you. Sometimes, it’s just not meant to work and it won’t, no matter how hard you or your ex try. If you feel like this might be the case, it’s time to let go. Let go of your ex, or move on from them. If you can’t make a relationship work and you can’t be friends with your ex, it’s just simply time to let go, move on and prepare yourself for better things. Letting your ex go so both of you can be happy is hard, but it’s the only way you can have a satisfying relationship in the future if you and your ex can’t work things out.

Question: What do I do if my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex-boyfriends? It’s making me really jealous and kind of angry. I don’t know how to calm down! Help me please!

–YouTube Viewer

How Is She Talking About Her Exes?

Your partner can talk about her exes one of two ways. She can either diss them or talk about how great those past relationships were. If your partner talks about how frustrating it was to be with her exes (and how great it is to be with you) she may just need a sounding board to help her get over the past pain of rejection and hurt. Be there for her until she gets it all out of her system. However, it’s a bit of a different story if your partner is talking about how great her previous boyfriends were and comparing them to you. That hurts!

She’s Chosen You

When you get frustrated with your partner because they’re constantly talking about their ex partners and old relationships, take a moment to remember that she’s with you now. Those relationships are in the past and she has chosen to be with you right now. Every day, each of you makes a choice to continue to be with the other person and stay in the relationship. Remember that she chooses to be with you and stay with you every day for a reason. It’s most likely because she cares about you and enjoys being in this relationship.

Let Her Know How You Feel

If your partner is always talking about how great her past relationships were or how great her ex boyfriends were, it can really cut deep. It’s not okay to be comparing your past boyfriends to your current one out loud, because it can definitely do some relationship damage. Let your partner know how you feel by being honest with them, without being rude. She honestly may not know that her talking about her exes bothers you! Talk to her about how it makes you feel when she talks about her exes and ask her to stop doing it. If you aren’t honest with your partner about how you feel about the situation, you’re just going to sock back anger until you finally blow up at her. Don’t risk ruining the relationship like that. Take some time to really explain to your partner what it does to you emotionally when she goes on and on about her past relationships and ask her to let go of the past. Let her know that you and her are together now and this relationship is the one both of you should be focusing on, instead of staying caught up in past relationships and ex boyfriends.

Question: I’m currently with a guy a year younger than me, and I just don’t click with him. He says he’s in love with me, but I think we’re too young to know what love is. I feel like he’s expressed too much too soon. And since I don’t want to lie to him, I’m breaking up with him. I’m just not sure how. What’s the easiest, least mean way to break up with a man who says he loves you? Please help me.

–YouTube Viewer

Sooner Rather Than Later

When breaking up with someone, the worst thing you can do is drag it out. When you make the final decision to break up with your partner or divorce them, make immediate plans to break up with them soon. Don’t continue leading them on and making them believe you’re still an active participant in the relationship because you’re scared to break up with them or aren’t sure how you’re going to do it.

Make The Breakup About You

If you’re positive that you want to break up with your partner, you need to make the break up discussion all about you. Make it about your feelings. If you make the break up about things your partner isn’t doing or circumstances that you’re not happy with, your partner will immediately suggest that things can change. They will do everything they can to convince you to stay in the relationship by promising that things will be different. Your partner can’t argue with your feelings though, so keeping the discussion about how you feel keeps the break up a break up. Be honest with your partner, and while you want to be courteous and polite instead of critical, it’s never good to sugar coat something or lie to make them feel better. Honesty is always the best policy when it comes to breaking up with someone.

A Learning Experience

While you may be tempted to feel like you’ve wasted your time being with someone you’re not going to stay with, it’s important to remember that each relationship is a learning experience. Relationships – and break ups – allow us to grow as a person. Be grateful for the time that you and your partner had together because not all of it was bad. If it was, you wouldn’t have made the decision to be with them in the first place. Take this opportunity to learn from the relationship and better yourself. It’s important that you realized your right to be happy and that you don’t have to stay with someone and be unhappy just because you don’t want to hurt them. It’s time to move forward with your life and everything that happened in this relationship will make the next relationship even better.

Here’s an example scenario: your boyfriend goes out with his friends one Friday night. He says they went to the bar, had a few drinks, then he went home. While this part is true, he is telling a lie of omission by not informing you that it was, in fact, a strip club where they drank…something you angrily learn about through a mutual friend. Is this a deal-breaker?

Was It A Mistake, Or Was It Intentional?

Did he genuinely forget to tell you the part about naked women being at the bar? It’s hard to believe, but this part could possibly have slipped his mind—especially if there was a lot of imbibing that night.

Does He Know How You Feel About  ___________?

If you do not approve of him going to a strip club, does he know this? Have you told him explicitly how it makes you feel? If you haven’t, you cannot expect him to read your mind. Getting upset with him for going against your wishes, when he didn’t even know what your wishes were, is unreasonable. Be honest and very clear about your feelings.

Has This Happened Before?

This is a big sign of blatant disrespect if you have been open about your feelings, yet he commits the offense anyways. Assuming you are not being unreasonable (such as demanding he never again see the friend who drags him to strip clubs), he should want to make you happy. So if he knows you will be upset about something, yet still does it, this will likely not improve with time or effort.

What Is The Reason For His Behavior?

Let’s say he knows you don’t approve of him going to a strip club, yet goes anyway. Why is he doing it? Does he worry about looking “whipped” in front of his friends? If this is true, he will likely not change, which can lead to more problems down the road. Does he disagree with you about your imposed rule? Then this isn’t a deal-breaker, so much as a reason for further communication and possible compromise on the matter.

Each situation must be felt out to decide how you should handle it. It is hard to think about where you may be wrong in the heat of the moment. Yet in some cases, it is worth looking inward before making a snap judgment about the future of your relationship. Nevertheless, if you are simply not being respected by him, no amount of time or energy on your part can fix that.

Question: Me and my girlfriend just broke up about 3 weeks ago. We’ve been going out for about 2 years. But even after 3 weeks I still miss her and I am still having trouble. I go out with friends a lot and I socialize as much as possible! But I still can’t get her out of my head and get out of my depressions that come and go. I just feel like something’s missing. What is some advice in helping me to get over her and move on?

–YouTube Viewer

Give Yourself Plenty Of Time

Many people expect themselves to get over a breakup within just a few weeks, but they find that they’re still stuck in a breakup rut after that and can’t get out of it. They get angry or upset with themselves, or wonder if there’s something wrong with them because they haven’t moved on yet. Don’t worry! It takes time to get over someone you were with for a long time and move on from the break up. Make sure you are giving yourself enough time to truly move on. You’ll notice that over the course of the next several weeks and even the next few months that you start to feel better and are beginning to focus more on things that make you happy and fulfilled. Don’t short yourself on the time you need to really get over y0ur ex.

Consider Counseling

Going to counseling after a break up doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or that you have a mental disease. It simply means you want to talk to someone openly about what you’re going through with someone who has the experience to teach you the tools you need to have to move on with your life. Consider going to counseling for a short period of time if you’re having some trouble getting back into the groove of things after your break up, or simply just want to talk to someone. Often, talking to your friends or family about the break up is counterproductive. You may feel better for getting it off your chest, but they’re not going to give you any information in return that will help you continue to move on.

Start Dating Again When You’re Really Ready

While the saying “there’s plenty fish in the sea” is cliche, it’s absolutely true. Remember that the person you broke up with isn’t the only person on Earth that you can have a good, fulfilling relationship with. There are lots of people out there that you can have fun with, and others that you can share a deeper connection with. Start dating again after the break up when you’re ready, but only when you’re really ready. Again, don’t short yourself on the time you need to heal but don’t give up on dating just because it didn’t work out this time. You can have a satisfying relationship with someone else, or just a fun friendship if you want. Get back in the swing of things when you’ve had enough time time to move on from the break up.

Digging Deeper

The first thing to figure out is what are you unhappy about? This is very important for one reason: is it directly related to your spouse? If it is work stress or a sudden death in the family, chances are it has nothing to do with your relationship. Rather, your spouse has become a scapegoat for your frustrations. However, if it is because of something your partner is doing (or not doing), that may be different. Is it your partner’s decreased sex drive? Is he or she not showing enough affection anymore?

Next, how long has this been happening? Are you on Day Three or Year Three of feeling like your marriage is doomed? While there is no definitive length of time within which you can consider your relationship to be in a rut, you may want to give it at least a couple months. Within that time, circumstances can drastically change, behaviors can adapt, and a looming problem can be resolved. However, this does not mean you should stick your head in the sand during this time. By all means, work on these problems as they crop up…but don’t consider your relationship null and void after a bad couple of weeks.

Can You Work It Out?

Third, is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Is there anything present which gives you hope for the future? Maybe it is an unexpected, passionate kiss in the kitchen while cooking dinner. Maybe it is the admission that he or she was thinking about you all day. While these gestures are small, they can give just enough hope to the desperate partner to keep trying.

Next, is your partner willing to work on these issues, as well? You can read all the self-help books in the world, apply the techniques created by experts, plan extravagant dates to sweep your spouse off his or her feet; but if that person is not reciprocating or even trying, your efforts are in vain. It takes two people keep a relationship going. While the amount of effort may change over time, there must be at least a little exertion coming from each spouse.

Saying Goodbye

Finally, think about your life without this person. Would you be happier without this person in your life? This is the most telling sign of whether your bad relationship has reached its expiration date. Even in the gloomiest lulls or the most volatile arguments, a person can still think objectively: “My partner may frustrate the bejeezus out of me, but I still want him/her in my life.” If you think of a life without your spouse and all you feel is relief or hope, however, it is time to call it quits.

Question: I have been out of a relationship now for 3-4 months and am over my ex – but I somehow I feel I owe something to her and should build a friendship again. I still feel awkward talking to her even though it’s small talk – any tips?

–YouTube Viewer

It’s Always Awkward

If you’ve just broken up with someone or have just been broken up with, the period directly following the breakup is always awkward. If you’re feeling as though things are strained between you and your ex and it just doesn’t feel right, join the club! Most people feel strange after a breakup, especially if they’re often around their ex. For example, if you and your ex work together or share many of the same friends, coming into constant contact with each other after the breakup can be just plain weird. It’s totally normal to feel awkward after a breakup and it can take some time for you and your partner to reach a totally platonic state.

You Don’t Owe Your Ex Anything

Many people leave a relationship feeling like they owe their ex something, especially if they’re the ones that did the breaking up. Even people who leave a relationship in the best possible way can feel bad about hurting the other person. Here’s the thing – you don’t owe your ex anything. Each person reserves the right to end a relationship if they feel it’s not working out in their best interests. It’s kind of like at will employment. Either party can terminate the relationship at any time for any reason of their choosing. Your ex may be hurt after the breakup, and things may be awkward, but don’t hold it against yourself. Staying with a person that you’re not happy with just because you don’t want to hurt them never works out. You deserve to be happy, so learn to let it go.

Time Heals Most Wounds

Even though the relationship with your ex is awkward now, time heals just about anything. You may feel pressured to have small talk with your ex now, or to try to force a friendship but it may be that you and your ex just aren’t ready for that yet. After a break up, most people need some time to think and process what happened in the relationship. If a friendship just isn’t there for you and your ex yet, time may be what you need to get there. Give yourself – and your ex – some time and space to sort out what happened. If you or your ex are very emotional after the break up – for example, if you two were in a long term relationship – you will each need some time to sort through how you feel about the break up. Just relax and let time do its thing.

Additionally, Brad and Angelina are definitely in a unique situation, but also share some common denominators that many of us have experienced. Angelina is likely looking for a new adventure as a response to her feelings of separation and loss she may still be dealing with due to her mother passing away. She’s experiencing what I call a Biochemical Craving for Connection. This can be momentarily assuaged by engaging in thrill-seeking behavior such as requesting and open relationship, traveling, working, or engaging in an affair (among many other things) but it only leads to a more pronounced cycle of stress, separation and loss when each “adventure” winds down and the person is left with the original feelings.

Have A Heart To Heart Talk With Your Partner

I encourage having a weekly ten minute heart-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard. It is essential to walk in your partner’s shoes rather than trying to be right. Instead of shame and blame you should give three solutions, and your partner has to pick at least one. Arguing fairly creates the tension that gives you passion and makes you feel safe. Here are a few other pointers:

• Ask permission – you want the other person to be engaged in the conversation, so make sure it’s a good time for them, too. You should make an “appointment” for a specific time to make sure that the issue will be handled.
• Put time limits on the “fight” – it’s OK to walk away and come back later as long as it’s mutual and done with respect. Everyone has different thresholds for what they can tolerate during an argument.
• Use “I” sentences – don’t blame or criticize.
• Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings – truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”
• Detach from your emotions – try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.
• After a fair and productive fight, remember things that each person needs to work on, and commit to trying to change the behaviors that may have created.

Can John Edwards’ Marriage Be Saved?

Elizabeth has said she does not want the press questioning her or speculating on what she should or shouldn’t do, and this desire for privacy makes sense. But one can’t help but wonder how this all played out within their marriage. When John admitted adultery last year he made it clear that it was something he already worked out with his family – had he worked this out with them as well? That we may never know, and I don’t want to take the tack of gossip columnists and nay-sayers so I’ll simply say that yes, I still believe John and Elizabeth’s marriage can be saved.

In addition to committing sexual adultery, fathering a baby with his mistress and covering it all up, Edwards may also have committed Financial Infidelity by using money from the campaign to cover up the baby. As is often the case, where one type of infidelity is present, the other is not far behind. When looking at Edwards’ past, it’s easy to see how and why he may have slipped into a pattern of infidelity.

Years ago he and Elizabeth lost a child, then during the elections Elizabeth had a health scare due to cancer, which I believe caused a Biochemical Craving for Connection – I talk about this further in my book, Financial Infidelity. This craving is often found when people are under a lot of stress – something Edwards and fellow adulterer Tiger Woods have in common. It’s probably the case that Edwards couldn’t handle the idea of losing his wife and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life.

What Causes Adultery?

Adultery is a disease like alcoholism caused by stress, loss and separation and the baby he admitted to could have subconsciously been a replacement for the son he lost a long time ago. While not justifiable and not something easily gotten over, this is never-the-less why adultery is forgivable, a topic I cover in-depth in “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” It is a disease and a cry for help – Edwards had been acting out his fear of losing his wife by doing things to self-medicate himself.

The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with. Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship.

Not even knowing the gentleman in question, I was stunned and said, “Ouch! That’s hurtful. That’s a lifetime without a greater number of years on the other side to create a new relationship and new lifetime.” The post master agreed and admitted he wanted to call the wife a name reserved for female dogs and certain kinds of women. We agreed that it was probably more complicated than that.

Why Leave After So Many Years Invested In Marriage?

I thought about that man today whose wife left him over the holidays after 27 years of marriage. I’ve known other men whose wives left them at about the 27 year mark. With that many years invested in a marriage and a family, it seems like such a waste to call it quits. Surely, what’s wrong after 27 years was wrong when you were both much younger and had a better chance of finding better love and a new life.

Wondering what it was all about, my mind flashed on something that may answer the question. I believe that many marriages that end after that many years invested do so because the differences between the sexes were never accepted, much less embraced.

If that is true, you have the opportunity to make a difference for yourself before you invest that much time in a marriage, finding yourself dumped when you’re nearing or past sixty years old. And if you’ve already invested a life time in a relationship, it may not be too late to provide the preventive care that embracing the differences between the sexes can provide!

It is so easy, as time goes by and the honeymoon fades, to fall into ruts of resentment and impatience over the differences between the sexes. It shows up in internal conversations that go something like the following.

“He’s always trying to fix what isn’t broken. Why can’t he just listen to me?”

“I can’t stand her nagging me.”

“It’s always all about him. He interrupts because he’s not listening. He never pays attention to what I’m feeling or what might be in my best interest in any given situation. He’s such a child!”

“She talks so much. I’ve learned how to tune her out and pretend to listen without getting caught. I don’t even feel guilty about it anymore.”

“I know how I want it done. The way I do it works best. Why can’t he just do what I want him to do, the way I want it done, when I want it done?”

“You try to give a woman advice, really help her, and all of sudden you’re her worst enemy. I cannot win with this woman!”

All these conversations and more are clues that you carry resentment for your spouse and they are all about the differences between the sexes.

Understanding The Difference Between Men And Women

You can’t change the opposite sex to be more like you. It doesn’t matter how much of a tom boy and one of the guys she was when you first fell in love. It doesn’t matter how easy it was to be with her in the beginning. It doesn’t matter how thoughtful he was, available to listen for hours when you were first falling in love. Those personality traits that made him or her seem like a twin were anomalies born of the rush of passion, lust, and attraction that accompany falling in love.

The thing you can’t do anything about is rewire his or her brain to be more like yours. Truth be told, you wouldn’t want to. The wiring differences between the male and female brain play a large part in creating the chemistry that makes us attracted to each other in the first place. Without the differences, there is no sexual tension, there are no babies made, life doesn’t continue!

What you can do something about is your attitude towards those differences. The men and women who remain happy in the relationship throughout their lives, appreciate the differences between them, continuing to find each other fascinating mysteries with so much left to be discovered.

There are lots of books on the subject of the differences between men and women and how it’s a brain thing that dates back to before the beginning of history. You can learn how these differences worked perfectly 5,000 years ago but don’t work nearly as well here in 2010.

The really short version is men are focused. That’s why it often seems to be “all about him!” He sees everything in relation to himself and his surroundings. That focus is meant to protect you from immediate harm. Women are big picture folk. That’s why she nags, because she can see further into the future, anticipating consequences that he is truly blind to. The ability to see the big picture also makes her thoughtful, caring, and nurturing.

The bottom line is this. If you have any conversations about what’s wrong with men or what’s wrong with women, whether it is with your friends or inside your head, it means you harbor resentment that can grow into a poison, resulting in an abrupt and bitter end to your relationship in the near or distant future. Those conversations are also opportunities to wake up, learning to accept and embrace the differences between you. Best of luck to you to do so!

Question: Why is it sometimes so hard to not love your ex girlfriend even though she was quite cold and left you because she didn’t love you? My brain says I should not think of her, but my heart says something different. Well, I hope one day I will find a more intelligent woman.

– From The Dan & Jennifer Love & Sex Forums

Living Up To The Expectations

Everyone has an idea of what they feel a good relationship is. Going into a relationship, the expectations are applied and when their partner doesn’t meet those expectations, those loving feelings start to go away. This leads to an inevitable breakup, whether it is a quick and dirty one or a long, drawn out process. When your ex broke up with you, it was because you didn’t meet their expectations of what a good relationship is. You can’t change their ideas of what a good relationship is, so what do you do? You look for someone who has relationship expectations that are similar to your own. Look for someone who has similar life goals, and someone who has expectations that you can easily meet.

Keep The Hope Alive

The hardest thing to get over after a break up is the feeling of rejection. It cuts deep, and we often feel like we’re unworthy of love and unworthy of a great relationship. Don’t let these feelings overtake your life! Recognize that it’s normal to feel rejected when you get dumped, but realize that you and your ex just weren’t compatible as far as relationship expectations go. And more often than not, a break up has nothing to do with you being a bad partner – it has everything to do with unrealistic expectations. So try your best to work through the emotions instead of trying to stop them – because your feelings absolutely deserve to be validated. Allow yourself to feel them, but also allow yourself room to let them go. There is always hope for another relationship – an even better one – down the road.

Learn From The Past

Each relationship that we are in gives us multiple learning opportunities. Failing to use the opportunities you’ve been given to learn from the past will only make you repeat it in the future. You don’t want to go through a situation like that ever again, right? So think about the things you can do in the future to prevent it, like finding a partner with whom you share similar relationship expectations with. Dwelling on the past and the hurt it has often caused will do nothing but get you running around in circles! Let it go and move on to a better and brighter future.

When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, even if it didn’t end well, you’ll probably experience a sense of loss. Loss of companionship, intimacy, routines, rituals, and shared pleasures. Suddenly you have more time than you know what to do with. There’s no one to talk to about the ordinary day-to-day concerns, and you have to start inventing things to do on a Saturday night.

Remember Why You’re Separating

The emotional intimacy is something you can’t immediately replace. If you initiated the break up, you may start to have a creeping sense of regret as the benefits of companionship come to light. If it was your partner who initiated it, you may feel a sting of painful emotion whenever you’re reminded of things you’ll miss.

While you’re in that period of adjustment, you need to come up with ways to see this as a positive time in your life. Don’t wallow in thoughts of what you miss; concentrate instead on all the things about the relationship that led you to leave.

Even if your partner initiated the break up, you should realize that it’s for the best: You deserve someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with you. And regardless of whether you wanted a separation, there’s a good chance that your relationship was strained in the end – you probably feel as if a burden has lifted. Try to fixate more on that feeling of freedom that any sense of loss.

A New Beginning

It’s important to look at the emptiness of the post-break weeks and months as the germination period for a brand new beginning. You’re free to explore the social world and seek some of the things you missed in the relationship.

The time after a break up of a long relationship is the chance to investigate who you are as an individual, what you love, and how you enjoy spending your time. In as many ways as you can, surround yourself with things that give you pleasure and people who share your passions.

It’s also important that you spend time with yourself during the post-break-up time, and not rush desperately into finding a replacement. Rebound relationships rarely work (unless they’ve been simmering for a long time already) because they are undertaken to fill a void.

Whether you’re open to a new sexual relationship may depend on how vulnerable and emotionally stable you feel (as well as whether you prefer to save sex for a committed relationship). But if you’re seeking a substantial relationship before you’re recovered, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Confidence in the Future

You might feel anxious about your future prospects, and be filled with doubt over whether you’ll ever be happy, especially if this is your first major relationship or break-up. Just realize that anxiety and painful emotions are fleeting, and keep the phrase “this too will pass” as your mantra. Life often works like this: You experience some hardship, but then your future brings unexpected people and events that make you grateful for the experience. Take please in imagining a future that’s much more fulfilling than your recent past.

Deciding You Want To Break Up

Perhaps you’ve decided you’re more into “bad boys,” or maybe you’re just bored, but for whatever reason you want to get out of the relationship. Breaking up with a nice guy takes a little more finesse. The traditional advice holds true: A telephone call generally isn’t appropriate (unless it’s long-distance, or other circumstances demand it). An email isn’t any nicer, and a text message is inexcusable. The only nice way is in person.

Arrange a time to see him so that you can tell him how you feel. Once you’re together, it’s best to say what’s on your mind sooner rather than later. You don’t want to have to fake your feelings or pretend that everything is OK. There’s no easy way to let him know. The words you’ll say will depend on the exact reason you want to leave, but let him know that he deserves someone who wants to be with him with all her heart, but right now that person isn’t you.

Break Up How To

This may be difficult for him to hear. On the other hand, he may have felt the same, but because he is a nice guy, he didn’t have the heart to tell you. If you’re really lucky, he’ll be relieved, and you can relax and start on a journey towards “just-friendship.”

Of course, he may be crushed and feel horrible. Tell him how sorry you are to cause him any pain. If he tells you how much he loves you, ask him if he would be happy with someone who didn’t love him equally. The only reasonable answer is “no.” Most nice guys are great, but for others it’s just a mask behind which they can manipulate people. Watch out for emotional manipulation: attempts to elicit pity, accusations of cruelty and selfishness, or other similar behavior. You can cut him some slack because of his pain, but be careful of taking him back out of sympathy.

If you’re overcome with guilt, relax: We all sign up for the possibility of heartbreak when we enter a relationship. You owe him your honesty, compassion and kindness. You don’t owe him another chance, sex, or anything else that you don’t want. Finally, remember to be cautious about pursuing a friendship – give him a proper amount of time to recover (which will vary depending on the length of the relationship). Here’s a good test: If you think he’d feel bad when hearing about your new boyfriend, you shouldn’t be friends.

Sometimes staying in an unhappy situation is a deliberate sacrifice: For example, some people stay with an incompatible partner if children are involved. However, often it’s simply passive choice stemming from indecision, fear, and even a misguided sense of loyalty.

Why Can’t You Leave?

If your partner stands in the way of you living a fulfilling life, you need to leave ASAP – life’s too short.  All relationships require some amount of compromise, but giving up the possibility for happiness is not part of the deal.

Many people find themselves staying simply for their partner’s benefit. This is a mistake: It’s not only unfair to you, it’s unfair to your partner, who deserves someone that truly wants to be with him or her.

Maybe you’re “just waiting for the right time.” But there is never a good time to break up: There is almost always pain and discomfort involved. That persistent delay is your mind’s way of avoiding the pain and hardship of breaking up. Down the road, you may experience acute regret for the time you wasted.

I encounter six major reasons why people stay:

• Guilt – You can’t stand causing your partner pain
• Loyalty – You feel a devotion to the history you share with your partner, even if it’s a bad one
• Misplaced priorities – You place your partner’s needs above your own
• Expectations – You feel pressure from family (yours or your partner’s) and friends to stay together
• Financial or logistical reasons – Financial and lifestyle concerns make it too difficult to leave
• Anxiety about “the moment” – You fear how your partner will react, especially if your partner has a pattern of emotional or physically abuse

Regarding the last point, sometimes the thought of initiating the breakup can be so intimidating that the individual is paralyzed, sometimes for years. Much of the time, the best approach to leaving such a relationship involves a good deal of distance (The advice to “always tell them in person” doesn’t always apply!).

Take The First Step

The longer you wait, the more invested in the relationship you both become. By the time you have the courage to pursue a life you want, you may have kids, financial obligations, and a whole list of reasons why you can’t leave. The first step is accepting that you will have to take action to change your situation. Stop envisioning disaster scenarios and start deciding exactly how you’re going to proceed.

Remember, the pain of a break up is temporary and will pass relatively quickly. It causes much more suffering to avoid the decision and stay in an unsatisfying relationship, wasting your time (and your partner’s time!) in a relationship you no longer want.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How can I dump him if I live with him and can’t afford my own rent?

–Jessica, LA

Figure Out What You Want

Okay, so do you want to just move out and try to continue the relationship while living separately, just like you did before you moved in together? Or do you want to break off the relationship and end it completely? Decide what you want and what you’re willing to do before talking to your partner. You want to be as clear and concise on how you want this situation to play out before your partner starts asking questions.

Be Honest

Honesty is often the best policy. Whether you want to break off the relationship or you simply want to go backwards a little bit and pursue the relationship with your partner like it was before you moved in with them, let your partner know that moving in with them was a step you decided to take too soon. If you want to keep the relationship, let your partner know that you really enjoy being with them, but you just weren’t ready to take that “move in” step and you need a little more space right now than living with them can provide. If you want to end the relationship, just let your partner know the truth – that moving in with them truly made you realize that this relationship wasn’t something you were ready for.

Financial Issues

You might be worried about the financial consequences of moving out of your partner’s place if they’re the ones that pay the rent. It can definitely be scary – but ask yourself what you were doing before you moved in with your partner? Were you living with a roommate? Were you living with your parents? Consider if you can literally go backwards and have the same living arrangements that you did before you moved in with your partner.

If that’s not going to work, consider changing jobs before you break the news to your partner. Earning more money is a great way to become financially independent and if this happens, you can consider living alone. If changing jobs isn’t a possibility, consider rooming with someone. You can put an ad out in the paper or on the internet for a roommate seeking a house or apartment, or you can search the ads for ones that other people have put up looking for a roommate themselves.

No matter what you decide to do, just make sure that your living arrangements are squared away before you talk to your partner. Your partner may agree with you, or not get angry, but then again they might. You need to be prepared to have somewhere to go if your partner should decide to ask you to leave immediately. The idea of arranging for somewhere else to live without letting your partner know may seem cruel or like you’re going behind their back, but in truth, you’re just taking care of yourself and you always need to do that.

There’s No Doubt About It – Breakups Hurt

The hurt and shock one may experience at the onset of a break up can feel completely overwhelming. Tears, anger and frustration are common feelings – but the good news is, it’s the first real step in getting past a tumultuous time. It’s understandable to feel lost when a new path lies ahead. I’m here to tell you to pause for a moment because this new beginning holds so much potential. So once the tears have fallen and you start to breathe again you will realize that there is more to life, for all of us. It may at first feel like your world is crumbling but rebuilding creates the opportunity to make things so much better – give yourself some credit for deserving better.

For every challenge we face there are new lessons to be learned and opportunities to embrace. No matter how devastating a break up may be, remind yourself that the person you want to be with you – is exactly that, the person who WANTS to be with you. Why waste your time with anyone else? If you do, you are only delaying your best relationship from coming into your life. Everyone deserves to be with a person who loves them equally in return. Love doesn’t hurt, sure everyone has their ups and downs but know when to let go – once you do there is so much more to hold fast to.

What Happens When Your Life Changes Because Of A Breakup

Even when situations change, maybe you were living together and have to now move. If that was the case then you also face the financial changes that may occur. Circles of friends may change, family dynamics, among some of the possibilities. My point is, until you decide to build for your future instead of wallow in your past, you are merely running in place… exhausting isn’t it?

Negative thinking is like a spiral, once you get sucked in it will skew your thoughts repeatedly. Find ways to catch yourself before it begins. When you feel the onset of negativity you need to find an outlet for it. Speak to a friend, use a journal, take a 5 minute time out and breathe deeply. Whatever method works for you to reset and begin again. You can do this with so many of life’s stressful situations. The key to remember is that your outlook is within your control and will ultimately effect what happens next in your life.

How A Breakup Can Benefit Your Life

Now, you’re ready right? A huge benefit to a break up is you no longer need to worry about what the other person is thinking or how they will react. Now is about YOU, this is where you focus. Do what makes you happy. Do NOT stop living, in fact, now is the time to live life to its fullest. There is a new relationship ahead of you if you wish to attract it – be your happiest self. After all, would you want to date someone who was meandering in a depression over a break up? NO!!

Chalk the past up to a lesson learned. A lesson learned means knowledge was gained and experience was earned. You will emerge – allow yourself to begin your new path with a brighter potential. Once you cut your losses, you will fly free. It all begins with perspective, how you look at your life and whatever it brings is completely within your control. No break up or person can take that away. You are stronger than you think.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

 

My girlfriend of two months keeps telling me that I can do better than her, that she doesn’t deserve me, etc. She has a two year old daughter and is going through a nasty divorce… I decided to pursue a relationship with her in spite of her current situation. But now I concerned. Deep down, does she really want to break up with me – and just wants me to do the dirty work? What’s up with all the mixed signals? Why does she keep saying these things?

 

–David, Rhode Island

Does She Want To Break Up?

Your partner may be sending you mixed messages because they want to break up with you, but it is more likely that your partner is sending you mixed signals because they themselves aren’t sure if they want to break up with you or not. This is actually a very common thing that women do – they often project what they can’t figure out on their own to others. Your partner may also be testing the waters. Is she saying that she doesn’t deserve you or you can do better than her? She might just want to see how you react to those words and whether you agree with her or not. These types of mixed messages are indeed frustrating, but there’s always something at the root of the problem.

Does She Have Some Past Emotional Problems?

In this particular case, a woman that says to her partner that they can “do better” or similar things, might be suffering from some deep down emotional issues that need to be talked out with a therapist. Is this type of self-destructive talk something that has been ingrained in her since childhood, or has she had a recent traumatic break up or divorce, or even perhaps a job loss? These types of situations can seriously wreak havoc on a woman’s emotional self esteem and she may really be feeling that she doesn’t deserve you or that you can, in fact, do better. If you feel that this might truly be the root of the problem, talk to your partner (gently) about possibly getting some counseling.

Is She Stringing You Along?

Your partner may also be stringing you along, goading you until you do the dirty work and break up with her instead of her having to do it herself. This is dirty – you definitely don’t want to be a part of that! Confront your partner in a non-judgmental way and ask them what’s going on that makes them think and feel this way about you. Open communication is the best way to figure out what is really going on. If she’s stringing you along, let her do the breaking up, especially if it’s obvious that that’s what she wants. Don’t forget though, if this is a situation that you don’t feel is healthy for you or you are uncomfortable with, you have the power to walk away.

Although mixed messages can really do some damage to your relationship, with open communication you can either work through them or realize that this wasn’t the right relationship for you – or your partner. Don’t be afraid to be honest without arguing or being critical of your partner. Just talk it out and see where it goes.

What do you do? How do you turn back time?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi. I haven’t been with my boyfriend for very long (less than 1 year) and I moved in with him at the beginning of this year. I feel I moved in way too soon. I think it’s just not right for me and I would like to break up with him. It’s harder to do though because I live in his house. Any ideas on how to break up with him and how I should do it and what to do about my living situation?

–Jessica, Maryland

Moving Out Or Breaking Up?

Okay, so you’re ready to move out. That much is clear. But are you ready to break up? You might have thought the two go hand in hand since you made this big step forward, but that is not necessarily true. Sit down and think about what you really want.

Do you want to continue to have a romantic relationship with your partner, or would you like to part as friends? Do you simply want to go back to the way it was before you moved in with them? Those are all very valid wants and you should definitely try to express those to your partner. Be honest with them about what you want to see happen and why.

Give them a chance to vent their feelings as well. The most important thing is to take a deep breath and relax. Sometimes you have to try something to figure out it won’t work!

Being Financially Sound

Before you talk to your partner about your living arrangements, it’s important that you get an alternative living arrangement set up for yourself on the off chance that your partner becomes angry or hostile and asks that you leave immediately.

You might need to go apartment hunting on your own, however, if you and your partner are both living in an apartment or house that you would not be able to afford were it not for the other’s contribution, it’s important that you are up front and honest with them from the beginning so they have the opportunity to find alternative living arrangements as well.

Taking these steps might seem scary, especially if you’re financially dependent on your partner, but think about what you were doing before you moved in with them.

Going Back to the Beginning

Whether you were living on your own or living with a friend or family member, that might be your easiest option.

Going back to the way things were before you moved in with your partner might be something you do quite literally! If that is not an option, it’s time to get yourself on your feet and financially sound enough that you can get your own place and have your own transportation.

Take whatever steps you need to so you can ensure you’re able to live on your own when you move out from your partner.

You might be having some emotional issues as well, especially considering that you just moved in with your partner and you’re regretting your decision. Take a moment to really think about what led you to that decision.

You’ll probably find that you still wouldn’t do things differently! Not everything works out the way you think it will and often you have to find that out after you try it. It’s not a fun situation to be in, but if you are open and honest with your partner about your feelings, you might end up being able to continue dating or stay friends.

Do Amicable Breakups Exist?

First off, I think ending a relationship in a completely amicable way means that BOTH parties would have to agree that they could see the end coming. That things just didn’t get along anymore, that it wasn`t a SURPRISE to anyone. And, of course, that they still had positive feelings and thoughts towards one another. To the best of my knowledge, most relationships do not end as ideally as that – if you are able to achieve this phenomenon, then pat yourself on the back. I think it`s a rarity.

So, my advice to my man friend was to attempt to “gently” create situations where his “soon to be ex” could potentially foresee the breakup as a possibility. I suggested he not spend as much time with her and DEFINITELY stop sleeping with her.

If you are still spending time together and still being intimate, how could anyone see a breakup in the making? In other words, if your heart is not in it anymore, don’t continue on as if it was. This is all a precursor to having THE talk – to laying it all out on the line. I for one, would rather see the hazard signs before the finality hit me in the face.

Being Honest Without Causing Pain

Obviously it`s best to be as honest as you can regarding your desire to move on but the key is to do it with by causing as little hurt as possible. For example, if you find you are interested in someone new, be gentle and avoid that topic. Some people are better off if you say less. Others look for reasoning or closure and want to know WHY. It is okay to be real here and say that you just don’t FEEL what you once did and that your heart just isn’t in it any longer.

Of course, no one wants to hear these things but if they are the truth and you are pressed to explain, hopefully this makes this clearer. I believe that everyone deserves to be with the BEST person for them. If your heart isn’t in a relationship any longer then you are not doing your partner any favours by hanging around for their sake.

In fact, being in a situation where you aren’t truly “present” with that person is not fair to anyone. It may help to explain that you know they deserve more then you are willing to give in a relationship. Enhance the positive but be clear enough to state that things are done in your heart of hearts. Once that conversation starts, be prepared to see it through – delaying the inevitable is painful for all involved.

What To Say And What Not To Say

Although you don’t necessarily need to give all of the nitty gritty details regarding your desire to end a relationship – it’s best to stay as truthful as possible without unnecessarily hurting feelings. Don’t say that you are not interested in being tied down if THAT’S not the problem. If the problem is that your feelings have changed or that you don’t feel this is the right relationship at the right time for you, that is legitimate.

Aim high and leave that conversation knowing you gave your best effort to be kind, fair and clear. Think about how you would want to be respected during a break up and what you would want before you break things off with your partner. Even if you are in the midst of an argument and things are heated, it is ALWAYS best to have a mature, breakup conversation with a clear head which will promote decency all around.

These suggestions can help you to think about how to go about handling a break up. No one can predict your partner’s reaction, but if you keep a cool head and know what you want and need to say, focusing on that will definitely help. I would hope, anyone going ahead with a break up is MORE than sure, because it’s not something you want to have to experience more than once per relationship.

Obviously if there is a marriage, living situation or children involved there are a lot more aspects to consider. Truth be told however, if your heart isn’t in it – then no one benefits. Break ups occur when there are no longer ways to resolve the issues. Moving on can be difficult, intimidating, scary and no one wants to hurt anyone else’s feelings, but it’s important to look at the picture in the long run instead of the here and now.

Be certain, be gentle, and be clear. Give the person time to absorb everything and maybe, just maybe they will come to see in time, it was the right decision for everyone.

There are so many people out there who can speak on this topic.  There are many of us who have had a marriage end in divorce or separation.  It’s true, life DOES go on.. but how do those with ‘marriage experience’ under their belts now look upon the topic?  I find the question of ‘so, what did you LIKE about being married’ to hold two-part answers..

1. What did you think about your past marriage and

2. What do you believe (now that you are armed with the expertise) about marriage moving forward?

Did You Marry The Wrong Person?

First off, if you are in the position to have freed yourself from the clutches of a marriage gone wrong you likely view the problem as being the person you chose in the first place.  For whatever reason, the common theme in most dissolutions of marriage is that the two parts simply did not mix long term.

Which, in turn leads to a million other little issues or problems that eventually drive people to the breaking point.  Now, this is not the same thing as putting 100% of the blame onto your ex-spouse.  It is ultimately saying that perhaps it wasn’t the concept of marriage as much as the wrong person to take that path with, which is the constant most of us with ‘past’ marriages, can attest to.

Or Is Marriage Just A Bad Concept All Together?

There are those who are simply jaded toward the concept of marriage all together.  That one time was enough for them.  Since they did not marry the ‘right’ person to go the distance with the first time, they believe marriage is simply not for them.

They look upon marriage with disdain and feel that it is merely a trap and that most marriages either dissolve or that those who stick it out are not usually there because they ‘want’ to be.  I believe, people with this point of view are not thinking outside of the box on this one.  After all, if you had one bad job would you never take on another one again?

Holding onto angst and blame from a previous relationship only halts you from fulfilling any potential of a new situation.  Unless, the person who holds such grief toward the concept of marriage, does not believe in the concept of commitment or monogamy in the first place.  Then it’s more the idea of marriage that turns them off and not necessarily the partner.

Serial Brides & Grooms

There are also the rebounders who feel lost without having the routine of marriage as a part of their life & may even tend to become serial marry’ers!   That is likely the kind of person who holds the fear of being alone above the fear of marrying the wrong person again.

I would hope, that with any bad experience you would learn from it and move forward feeling more knowledgeable then you were before having that experience.  I was one of those people who always believed marriage could be a wonderful experience.  Having one failed marriage under my belt now, I feel that I am wiser for it.

It has not changed my hopes for what a marriage can and should be,but it has made my future choices for a partner more well informed choices.  For example, I would no longer convince myself that settling is acceptable.  For me to commit once again to a marriage, I would have to be sure that every detail of the fine mix that makes for a happy and successful marriage was fulfilled and not just ‘hope’ that it would be.

And never again would I allow myself to ‘settle down’ because settling should not be what  marriage is about..  I’d only ever do it again if it meant a relationship that broadened my life’s spectrum.  That added to who I am, not defined who I am.

The Up Side Of Marriage

So what do I LIKE about marriage?  I love having someone special in my life that I ‘want’ to do special things for.  I love the thought of having a sexual compadre at my fingertips.  Having someone there beside me at night.  Having someone in my life that I and others recognize as being a part of what makes up my core family.

I love the idea of commitment and the desire to make a marriage something that is enjoyable, fulfilling and supportive.  I love the thought of expressing my deepest form of giving through marriage.  Showing the world that I have chosen this person and that they have chosen me.

One might argue that it would be easy to attain all of these things under the boyfriend or girlfriend umbrella without the process of an official marriage stamp.  And this is true. Marriage is certainly not for everyone.  For those who have experienced it and do not see anything that they LIKED about being married, they have the first right of refusal.

I would wonder what the hesitation would be if the person who you loved and who loved you wanted another whirl at the marriage thing. Isn’t marriage the ultimate expression of giving one’s self wholly and without doubt? No one can predict what will come of ANY relationship, married or not – just the same as no one can predict if they will get hit by a bus.

I am the type who tends to never give up on something I believe in.  My first marriage ended yes, but part of the reason for that was my continued belief that a HAPPY marriage was possible and settling was never an option.  Perhaps marriage to me is the ultimate expression of giving everything that I have to one person and hoping that the one I’ve chosen would do the same for me.  And that’s… what I LIKE about marriage.

It can be especially difficult if the relationship has lasted for several years, even twenty or more years. If you’re not the one who broke it off, being on the losing end of a break up or divorce can be a tough thing to handle.

How do you begin moving on? Where do you start?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have 2 kids and were married for 23 years and suddenly she asked me to leave and said it’s over. We’re now divorced and she’s dating again. Now she acts like she hates me.

All these questions torment me. I need answers. How do I move on when she won’t even talk to me?

– Youtube Viewer

The only thing you can control is yourself.

If your partner is the one who ended things with you, you probably feel rejected and out of control. You may want to find out why they left you or what went wrong. Your partner, however, may not be ready to give these answers to you and even more likely, they don’t know the answers either.

The truth is, you can’t control anyone but yourself. You can’t make your partner take you back, you can’t make them tell you why they left and you can’t make them act the way you want them to.

You can, however, control how you react to the situation. You can be petty and vindictive if you choose, but you can also be calm and forgiving too. Only you can choose how you act towards the situation. It will be more difficult to move on, however, if you choose to be vindictive or if you harbor ill feelings and anger towards your partner for ending things.

If you choose to take the higher road and work through your feelings of anger and ultimately let them go, it will be easier to move on.

Working through your anger.

After a relationship ends, it’s normal to go through the stages of grief. You lost something and someone that was dear to you and to the human psyche, it’s the same as if someone you loved passed away. You’re going to feel guilt, denial, anger and frustration. You’re going to be hurt and sad, and you’re even going to want to try to get back together with your partner.

The first step to moving on after a break up or a divorce is to realize that all the feelings you are having are normal. It may not help you feel any better right away, but telling yourself that “you shouldn’t feel this way” is not going to do you a bit of good.

When you’re feeling a particular feeling, let yourself feel it. Let yourself be angry and let yourself feel hurt. Then, let it go. Don’t harbor it. Don’t give those feelings a place to stay. Work through your anger and frustration rather than letting it consume you. In time, you’ll feel better about the end of the relationship and you’ll feel yourself start to move on. Don’t rush the process. It takes time.

The end of a relationship, especially a very long one, is tough for both parties involved. There may never be an answer as to what exactly happened to end the relationship because in almost all relationships, it’s more than a single thing. When you begin to focus on yourself and realize that you are in control of only you, you can start to let go of the hurt and anger and make room for a newer, happier state of being.

Unfortunately, however, marriage may not always be the best choice or the one that makes you the happiest and even worse, this is usually not realized until much later.

What can you do if you find yourself “stuck” in an unhappy marriage?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, please help! My friend has been in an unhappy marriage for 28 months.  Her son is 23 months old. Before their marriage they broke up because the husband had another woman but she found out later she was pregnant and her husband married her unwillingly. All through out the pregnancy the husband was unsupportive and uncaring. They never share a room and bed since they marry. My friend is 40 y.o. She is desperate for a divorce but is worried that if they divorce, it will affect the child. He says he will never love her again, will never sleep with her and will never suggest a divorce. Please let me know how to help her.  I’ve always thought it was a mistake that they got married.

-FD, Hong Kong

Assess the Situation

Being “stuck” in an unhappy marriage is frustrating, intimidating and upsetting. However, many people fail to realize they’re not really “stuck” at all. While one should never marry someone if they’re thinking they can just get out of it later, if you’re in a marriage and you’re not happy, you’re not really “stuck.”

You have the power to change the status quo at any time! You have the power to end the marriage and move on with your life. It may not be quick and it may not be easy, but it can be done and if it’s something you want or feel is necessary, it is certainly something you should do.

Assess the situation. Are you really unhappy in your marriage? Do you feel that counseling might be beneficial? Is counseling something you’re willing to do? Sometimes counseling can help, but not always. Give yourself some time to really think about what you want.

It’s not an easy decision to make or one that should be rushed. Some people will end up coming to the realization that the marriage is already over and the only thing left to do is make it legal.

Staying Together For The Kids

Many unhappy couples think they should stay together for their children. This is entirely up to you, but be warned that at this point, you’re not going to be in an ideal situation no matter what you choose to do. If you get a divorce, yes, your children will be in split homes. If you don’t, your children may learn that marriage is an unhappy, miserable place to be.

What you do stand to teach your children if you choose to get a divorce is that marriage doesn’t have to be miserable and you have a choice? You can teach them the reality that while marriage is intended to be happy and it can be but if it’s not, they have the power to move on and be happy in other ways.

Moving On

It can be difficult to move on from any relationship, but if you’re unhappy it is something that needs to be done. Realize that you deserve to be as happy as anyone else and use it to gather the strength and determination you need to move on and be happy! If you can’t work things out with your partner, it certainly isn’t the end of the world. While there are plenty of fish out in the sea, perhaps you want to swim alone for a little while!

Your life is what you make it and you can choose to stay in an unhappy marriage or you can choose to move on and find something that does make you happy. Realize that you’re never “stuck” anywhere you don’t want to be and that you have the power to change the status quo. You don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage if you don’t want to, plain and simple!

What are the reasons?

Sarah’s Story:

Sarah and her boyfriend had been the perfect couple. It was as if they had waited for each other their whole lives. They had the same hobbies, the liked the same things, they considered each other to be soulmates.

This went on happily for two years – the perfect relationship, until her boyfriend suddenly started to pull back, to act strange and get distant. Eventually he broke up with her, and when she asked for the reason he simply replied that he didn’t love her any more.

Sound familiar? Has this also happened to you or someone around you?

A disappointment.

Isn’t true love meant to be forever?

Well, I cannot give you an answer to this one, but I can give you the advice that you need to examine your perception of “true love”. I can tell you: All that glistens is not gold.

A high expectation of true love, and an exaggerated romantic view of the ideal concept of love can disturb the view to having a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

A realistic view is vital.

What is the Main Reason that People Fall out of Love?

Of course, there are numerous reasons why people break up, but they are not always the same ones as why people fall “out of love”.

The term “to fall out of love” implies that they’ve been in love before and all of a sudden the love is gone.

This is of course an illusion. Nobody loses their love overnight.

In my experience there are 3 main reasons why people don’t love anymore, and therefore break up with their partners.

1. Their expectations weren’t met

If you meet a person and you are really attracted, you tend to idealize things. You fall in love with that person, because everything is so new, so fresh. The sex is great, you’re having a great time discovering all the positive attributes of your partner. All your needs and expectations are being addressed, and when they’re not, you simply put your rose-colored glasses on.

The problem here is that your view of your partner is not always a realistic one. Everyone gives their best, tries to show a better self and to hide possible flaws.

We accommodate and compromise much easier at the beginning.

The problem here is that they met each other’s expectations at the beginning, but later on in the relationship, when the fire has cooled off a little, they tend to pull off their masks and show their real selves.

Now they are acting how they really are. No more compromising, no more accommodation, no more meeting the partners needs.

And here is where it can lead to conflicts because someone will not have their needs fulfilled, and will feel betrayed in a way.

This is usually the moment when the person “falls out of love”.

2. Was it really Love?

Another problem is that people very often cannot say if they’re in love or not. They confuse sexual fulfillment with love.

This happens very often to young people, or people who have been in a long term relationship or marriage for a long time. They confuse the initial fulfillment of a need which has not been met for a long time with love.

Once this urge has been satisfied, (this doesn’t always have to be a sexual need), they suddenly lose interest and “fall out of love“.

Of course, it wasn’t love in the first place, that’s why the whole thing appears out of the blue.

3. Mistreatment

Unfortunately it happens frequently, especially with men, that they start sweet and kind and later on they become loud and abusive.

Violence is of course the most extreme case, very often the partners suddenly change their behavior in ways that cannot be tolerated any more by the other one. Good examples are drug and alcohol abuse.

The partner finds that they are very disappointed and loses their love for the person, because their basic needs aren’t provided any more. The relationship isn’t fulfilling and healthy.

Knowing Why is Helpful

The knowledge of the 3 reasons why people can fall out of love can be helpful to us. They can teach us how to behave correctly at the beginning of a relationship.

We have to have realistic expectations about love and relationships, and most of all we have to be who we really are right from the beginning.

Make clear what your needs are despite the risk that your new partner might not love it.

Pretending and cutting back your basic needs will only draw a false picture of you, a picture which will fade with time and possibly make your partner eventually fall out of love with you.

Would you take that risk? I won’t.

Your friend,

Eddie

Then suddenly one day, Girl meets a different boy. Oops.

Girl is shocked, confused (well, not THAT confused), and too afraid to tell the first boy about the new boy…

So what’s a girl to do?

This is a classic story that repeats itself over and over.

Yet this story rarely has a happy ending…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My boyfriend and I have been dating a few years now.

Now I met this other guy whom I really like. He has a girlfriend though he likes me more. I am flirtier with him. He makes me laugh and he is really cute. My parents and friends like him too. While hanging out we ended kissing.

I’ve been pushing my boyfriend away for awhile and he knows it and he don’t care. I am not happy when I am with him. I don’t want to kiss him, hug him or anything. He won’t break up with me, he is too “in love” with me. What should I do?

– Lost, Illinois

Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?!

Hanging On Too Long Is A Mistake

The real trouble comes when you continue to lead the first boy along and hide your feelings for the new boy. So now you’re deceiving both boys. At some point the truth will come out…

One of the biggest issues in our society today is that people tend to hang onto relationships much longer than they should. No one is happy, but no one has the courage to walk away either. If the relationship isn’t working, then it’s time to walk away.

But before you make this huge decision, think about why the first relationship is not working.

Ask yourself questions like:

Are you bored?

Have you both gotten lazy?

Are your underlying beliefs completely different?

Are your lives going in very different directions?

Really think about why you want to break up. Make sure you’re breaking up for the right reasons. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the same situation with your next boyfriend, and the next.

Life has a way of handing us the same challenge, or test, over and over again until we get it right.

Honesty Is Critical For A Happy Relationship

We believe that honesty is the single most important thing in a relationship. If you can’t be honest with each other then why bother? It may be hard…

It may be hard to be honest with someone about your feelings, especially when you’re talking about breaking up. But it is really cruel to lead someone on when your feelings for them have changed.

So stop hanging around and waiting for the other person to break up with you. You owe it to boy Number One, boy Number Two, and to yourself to come clean about your feelings.

Get some courage, grow some balls (or what ever you want to call it), and either breakup or make the commitment to stay.

Only you know when it’s time to leave your relationship. No one else can make that decision for you.

If you do decide to break up with your current boyfriend, be honest and direct. Say, “Look, I don’t want to be together any more.”

He will most likely want to know why and he will deserve an answer.

Whatever your reason for breaking up may be, you need to be honest with your current boyfriend. One word of advice however… Make the breakup about your feelings.

Don’t make boy Number One your excuse to break up with boy Number Two. Don’t make boy Number Two your excuse to break up with boy Number One either. In fact, don’t make the break up about him or anyone else at all.

Keep it about your feelings, your wants, and your needs.

Otherwise you’ll cause him much more pain than necessary.

Divorce parties not only let us close the door on that misery, these rites of passage provide the ritual we need to help us heal. They offer us a way to celebrate a new independence, to thank those who have stood by us through the muck, and to announce to the world that we are ready to move on in life. Finally, it’s official.

Save the Date

It’s tempting to set a date for your party as soon as divorce proceedings get under way. But muster up all your patience and wait until things are just short of being finalized. Like any social gathering, your party will require some preparation ahead of time, and you don’t want to be thinking about guest lists and napkin rings in the throes of legal negotiations. You’ll be in much better spirits if you show up at your divorce party with decree in hand.

The Guesting Game

Divorce party guest lists come in all shapes and sizes, and the only factor that determines who you invite is personal comfort level. Would you feel better surrounded by guests of the same sex, or does a co-ed event feel more like a celebration? Do you want to just hang with other divorcees? Does it feel right to bring together only the people who have stood by you through this many-monthed mammoth of a nightmare or are you hoping for something more inclusive that brings even your coworkers and neighbors into the fold? Are you on really (really, really) good terms with your ex and feel that they should be there? The only right answers to these questions can come from you, so put some thought into it and — if it helps — start with a long list and whittle it down.

Deck the Halls

The intensely organized go so far as to print up invitations, arrange a gift registry (ideal for those who lost it all in settlement) and announcements for their party. Some get a kick out of decorating the party space (rented-out restaurant, bar, friend’s house, etc.) with streamers, obscenely decorated cakes, voodoo dolls, piñatas, balloons and bowls of snack food.

Get some ideas from Christine Gallagher, a writer from L.A., who published a book in 2003 called The Divorce Party Planner: How to Throw a Divorce or Breakup Party and has sold thousands on her website, RevengeLady.com. One word to the wise: decorations, catered food and other props can ring up a hefty tally, so be realistic in what you can afford with your new single-income earning status and stay within that budget.

Pieces of the Action

Besides the usual telling of (hopefully by now) funny stories and making plans for the future, the activities at your divorce party can be as uneventful or as coordinated as you like. I’ve read of some recently divorced who have hired officiants or asked a close friend to perform a short, meaningful sermon about healing and the joy of change, and about a woman who asked her mother to lead a renaming ceremony in which she symbolically gave her daughter back her maiden name.

Others still have projected First Wives Club or War of Roses in one area of the gathering and had a ceremonial burning of the marriage license in another area. Don’t feel pressured to include any of these aspects if they don’t feel right to you. A low-key gathering of a few close friends can be just as momentous as one that takes months to organize. The details of your party should reflect your mood and own personal style.

And Just Don’t…

Even if your divorce party is lush with hot and horny singles, it’s probably best not to fool around with one of them at or just after the gathering. After all, this is an event intended to celebrate your newly reclaimed independence, and bringing a sexual interest into the picture now complicates your newfound simplicity of lifestyle.

Other experiences to avoid at your fete include getting totally trashed (you don’t want to want to get all weepy or confrontational), destroying any tangible memories of your marriage’s happy times (your wedding album and keepsakes from your courting days might mean the world to your kids), and making plans to do anything of importance the next day.

And remember that this event is not about hurting the person you’ve fallen out of love with through badmouthing or trash talking. This is an occasion to commemorate your personal path of healing and newfound independence.

You’ll almost certainly know that feeling, that inner cry for help, when you need someone to talk to about your marriage, or just a tough relationship problem… but you’re not sure who to turn to…

It can be really awkward talking about it with your friends and family.

After all, word travels fast, and you don’t really need everyone in your circle of friends and family to know you’re not ‘getting any’, or that you and your wife are fighting constantly and are on the verge of breaking up. On top of that, these people are biased – they have a stake in the game so to speak. They may feel that they need to take sides, or may even have their own reasons for keeping you together – or for helping you to break up! They are too close to the action to give you objective advice.

So what can you do? Is there a better option?

Why not see how someone else in the very same situation is dealing with the issue… and better yet, why not see what a bunch of objective third parties have to say about it. People who don’t have personal biases toward your situation, because they don’t even know you or your wife… They’re just offering up ideas and suggestions for remedying the problem and coming to a happy resolution.

I’m sure you see how that can be helpful.

A great open discussion forum site for marriage and relationship problems is the "Talk About Marriage" forums.

You can find help with pretty much any relationship problem, from coping with infidelity, dealing with anxiety or addiction related issues, and even going through a divorce or separation.

These forums are a surprisingly supportive community and an open, accepting atmosphere.

They actually have some pretty tough posting rules to make sure everyone actually stays positive and helpful. Their number 1 rule is to treat everyone with dignity and respect; anything less will get your account banned. As ground rules go, that’s definitely good place to start. The last thing you want is some guy being a real jerk when you’re sharing your deep personal relationship problems.

Some of the members even use the forums as a virtual journal, as in this thread started by a man trying to save his marriage. And here’s another in depth discussion about a man seeking help because his wife is waning to leave him. Notice the nuances of his cry for help, but also the helpful tips and advice from the forum community.

One thing we always like to see is motivated people helping others. As a perfect example, these forums were started by Chris Hartwell, who also runs the Family & Marriage Counseling Directory, a nationwide directory for finding therapists and counselors in your area. His intention was for people to have an open, welcoming forum where they could discuss their marriage or relationship problems in a friendly environment, while also staying completely anonymous if they choose. 

So check out the Marriage and Relationship forums and see what you think.

More likely than not, someone’s already had a similar issue to the one you’re having, and you can gain some insights into how they handled it. Either way, look around… And if you feel comfortable, consider making an anonymous account and asking the "Talk About Marriage" community what they would do in your situation.

Sex, in all of its intimate glory, is the same wonderful act you experienced in your marriage.

Unfortunately, for many men this may not necessarily be the case, because as a woman’s emotional attachment to her mate decreases, so does her physical attraction.

As one of the multitude of divorced men, you may have been in a loveless, sexless marriage with your spouse. Now that you’re unattached and "back on the market" per se, you could be gunning for more physical intimacy than you experienced in your last relationship.

This isn’t necessarily negative; sex is a natural act and the fact that you desire it means your heart is pumping in your chest.

What Is Different About Sex After a Divorce?

Nothing at the surface level. But dig deeper and there may be emotional issues you are battling in regards to your rediscovered physical freedom.

If you are one of those men who was in a low sex relationship with your spouse you may have learned to repress your natural urges and instincts. Now that you are single, you no longer have anything holding you back from pursuing the physical relationship that you desire.

Sex in marriage can often be a liberating experience that each partner shares.

Physical attraction is the glue that pulls people together in ways that they can express by sharing. People who bond at those levels connect deeply with each other and sex adds another bond between them that connects their emotional relationship with the physical.

A divorce alters that, makes you question yourself, and leaves you without that bond.

Don’t Play Emotional Russian Roulette with Your New Partner

Emotions run deep in most relationships, particularly in a marriage when you’ve been intimate with the same partner for years.

When granted the freedom to be with who you want it’s possible to give undesired love to your new partner. You may be craving that emotional connection you shared with your spouse and now you are laying it on your new girlfriend (or boyfriend) and letting it cloud your emotions.

Essentially you are playing Russian Roulette with your feelings with your partner.

Don’t Repeat Mistakes by Trying Not to Repeat Them

Some of the best advice I’ve ever received was from my divorced brother. It was quite simple and obvious yet I previously had not thought of this.

"Don’t let yourself put blinders on to your new relationship by looking for what you didn’t get from your last."

It was remarkable.

Looking inward it’s possible to see that we consciously and unconsciously judge our past and current relationships against one another. Naturally we’ll focus on the flaws on our past relationships and how our new partner does or doesn’t compare.

We sometimes miss our mark and overlook the flaws of our new partner because they meet some of the needs we didn’t receive from our past lovers.

What Does All This Mean?

Look inward as you approach new relationships, and try to know what your needs and wants really are.

Be sure you are emotionally ready to become intimate with a new partner and that it will be a healthy experience. It’s easier to be comfortable with another person when you are comfortable with yourself. Sex is a natural expression of this comfort and attraction.

Jason Likert is the founder of DivorcedDadsOnline.com. The goal of DivorcedDadsOnline.com is to provide a support network for divorced (and divorcing) fathers and common-sense advice for parents whether divorced or married. 

Is it a metaphysical experience that blends the attraction of souls to one another (ala “soul-mates”), or is it a human ability to sense pheromones and is therefore a bodily function?

Whatever the explanation may be, love is a fact and we all want to receive it.

Givers of Love

Some people are natural givers. They enjoy showering attention, love and care on those who are around them.

They show love from their words, physical actions and gift-giving. Givers have an inclination to be very empathetic to the ones they love. Everyone has the ability to be a giver. In essence we ALL give, we just do it in different ways.

Receivers of Love

Receivers do not automatically “take” – a common stereotype. We are all receivers in some way. Everyone enjoys feeling love and attention. Receivers naturally receive more than they give. They naturally tend to crave attention from those around them.

Are You a Giver or a Receiver?

We all experience love in different ways, as givers and receivers.

As men, many of us are have an inclination to be receivers. Think about the world around us, about how our culture is geared toward making men into receivers of love and affection rather than givers.

We get used to receiving. Most men are conditioned to be receivers and many women are condition to be givers.

When You Stop Receiving Love…

Nothing in this world can be matched with giving and receiving love. It can make time slow down and make a few seconds last for hours when you are together.

When you are apart, a day can feel like a week. In many ways it can be addictive, to feel and enjoy that love you have been receiving. Like a drug you can become dependent upon it.

Somewhere in the past we’ve all been there. That point where we can tell the relationship has changed.

She has stopped giving, you have stopped receiving, or vice versa. Something is different. You can’t put your finger on it, but it’s obvious things have changed.

Do you panic? Do you feel your heart pound in your chest and your ribs compress around your lungs?

Do you analyze it all and look for all of the signs of break up?

If you do, you’re not alone. Everyone feels grief at the end of a relationship. Dealing with it and focusing on what to do, and not why, is a good way to help yourself through it.

Grief is a Natural Response

The grieving process will undoubtedly come into affect; you may feel hurt, angry, more hurt, more angry, seething with rage at one minute and balling your eyes out the next.

It’s important to remember that you are not alone, you aren’t the first person to have your heart broken and you won’t be the last.

Many of the most stout individuals can delay their grief, postpone it, and it will come back to smother them. Feeling grief is natural. Prolonged grief can turn…

Prolonged grief can turn into depression so think about how long you have been grieving and if it affects other aspects of your life.

Focus On “What” and Not On “Why”

The devil is in the details. Focusing on the “why” will happen.

Why did I not do this, or why did she not do that?

Trying to understand the why of breakups and why feelings change is like expecting yourself to understand what love is.

If you don’t know “why” you will focus on yourself.

What did I do? What COULD I have done? These aren’t the “whats” we are looking for. We are looking for “What can I do to move forward?”

Here are a few pointers and things to keep in mind to help get passed a break up.

3 Tips to Help You Get Passed a Break Up

1. Remember Grief is Natural.

You’re not less of a man (or woman) if you feel pain. We’re human, we have emotions and feelings. Welcome to the top of the food pyramid.

2. Get the Support You Need

Ask yourself, “What can I do to feel supported?”

Contact your friends and family and let them in. Nothing shows love like opening up to your loved ones and letting them help you. At our weakest we can be at our strongest.

3. Stay Busy and Productive

Ask yourself, “What can I do to stay busy?

Sitting around and moping can be tedious and affect your health.

Get out and exercise, take yourself out to a movie, go see a friend. Don’t sit and feel sorry for yourself, stay active. Exercise will increase your health and will make you feel better.

Love can make you feel immortal. It can also hurt. That is the other side of the coin.

Think about “what” you can do with yourself after a breakup instead of “why” the break up happened.

Look at how you can love yourself and rely on yourself and not the love of another person. In the long run, you are all you really have control over.

That was the moment when I started to plan how to convey this to other people with similar problems. But I wasn’t sure if the techniques I used would help other break up or divorce victims as well.

Maybe they were only helpful in my personal case?

That’s when I went in search of the magic formula for overcoming a break up.

I had a concrete idea of what a coaching program would look like, but I also needed another perspective, not just my own. So I decided to interview as many people as possible about how they survived their break ups or divorces.

The Interviews

I started with relatives, then friends, then friends of friends. I did a survey in a newspaper, and finally with the help of a friend psychologist, I was able to interview numerous people with different experiences.

Among them were a few who seemed to go through this process without any effort – with natural lightness. I then especially targeted those, for I was sure that they had some special traits which enabled them to get this behind them much quicker, and with less effort than all the others.

My coaching program was born.

Today, I want to share with you these special traits and mindsets which the “natural” survivors of break ups have had or have developed. Their knowledge will help you to realize where your own problems lie and how you can overcome them effectively.

Here are the 7 Most Important Traits for Overcoming a Break Up Fast:

1. Independency

Have you learned to detach yourself from your partner during the relationship?

Detachment does not mean that you do not love your partner, but it implies the knowledge that you don’t need your partner for your own happiness. Your happiness comes from within. It’s important to realize this.

Have you ever learned to live alone, that you can survive on your own? This is a very important attribute, which helps when you need to face a divorce with more confidence. This is especially important for housewives, who don’t work outside the home for their living.

2. Having a Life-Goal

Most of the successful break up survivors have a life goal, which is independent from their relationship. This could be a business, a work related career or a success in sports. Anything that satisfies an ambition you are passionate about and which makes you happy.

It is important that your relationship or marriage is not the only thing that’s vital in your life.

3. Mental Control

One of the main reasons that we suffer heavily from break ups or divorces is our inability to control our thoughts.

Very often we are caught in a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, which eventually lead to more suffering. Whether or not we are able to break free of it depends on our ability to control our mind.

Persons who practiced meditation and other mind-controlling techniques before the break up were in a better position to handle these situations.

4. High Self-Esteem

Do you feel incomplete without your partner? Was s/he the better part of you? Then a separation would of course be a drastic experience for you.

It is very important to develop a natural self-esteem. Self-love and self-confidence is something you can develop through different continuous exercises. These are personal traits that will help you improve every aspect of your life, not only your relationships or your ability to cope with a break up or divorce.

To love yourself, and thereby establish a strong self-confidence, is one of the most vital ingredients of living a fulfilled life.

5. Having an Extroverted Personality

You can divide mankind in two different main personality types: introverted and extroverted.

I have observed that extroverted personalities overcome break ups much easier.

They enjoy having people around them and incline to energize themselves through interaction, whereas introverts tend to concentrate more on their own feelings and thoughts, which is fatal during a break up.

Being one of these personalities is something that is deeply wired into you, hence it is very difficult to change this, but you can at least aspire after the extroverted side.

6. Being the Action-Type

How do you react when problems occur? Are you more the action-solution type, or do you tend to hide yourself away in lethargy and procrastination? This is again where the humanity divides in two types.

Of course we all know that it’s better to be a problem solver, unfortunately this doesn’t make it easier. This is a socially induced problem, so it’s possible to train yourself towards being a person who acts.

The action-type personality suffers much less from break ups or divorces. Taking action drives away fears.

7. Experience in the Dating-Game

“Will I ever find someone new?” That is one of the most asked questions after a break up.

If you are an experienced dater, and you know “the game”, then you have a crucial advantage: You don’t have to pose this question to yourself – you can go out there and find a new partner who fulfills your needs, when you are ready. You’d know how it’s done.

This is more of a comfort than you might think. This means conquering the fear of being alone.

Fortunately, this is a skill which can be learned.

What is the magic formula for overcoming a break up, you might ask?

It is understanding where your personal problems are and reacting upon them. It is developing the traits for surviving a break up or divorce faster and easier.

That’s what I do in my personal coaching.

You can go through the above list and narrow down the traits where you have to work on yourself. Any improvement will immediately manifest itself in all the areas of your life.

You alone have the key for your wellbeing. Use it.

Fight or Flight – Which is Better?

As science has proven, our bodies and minds have two responses to stressors.  It’s called the "flight or fight" response. Either we react by fighting back against whatever is causing us stress or we run away.  Divorce, and all that is wrapped up into it, is definitely stressful. It’s stressful on us and it’s stressful on our family and especially our children.

It’s easy to want to run away from something.  Many people are natural "withdrawers" when faced with difficulties.  Divorce will punch you in the face if you let it.  Running away and attempting to hide from your stressors will only lead you to more running.  This time divorce will trip you up by the heels and lay into you while you’re trying to get back up.

Standing up and facing your fear and uncertainty is a different choice.  There are people who are "attackers" who like to solve problems.  There’s a certain synergy that’s created when you start to stand up to the things that are bothering you and dealing with them on a rational level.

There are times in our lives where we do either of these things.  Sure, we have a tendency to lean one way or the other but everyone handles stress by either attacking or withdrawing based upon the situation.

My Best Advice to Anyone Going Through Divorce

Man or woman. You’ve heard this before but I am emphatically urging you to:

Go get a lawyer.

It’s the easiest, though not always cheap, answer to dealing with the stress of divorce.  We all want to separate amicably.  It’s a worthy goal.  I was that way too.  Unfortunately in the beginning I ignored this advice and it cost me in the long term. Your lawyer will handle much of the stress and anxiety for you.  He or she will be the one sending letters to your soon-to-be-ex-spouses’ lawyer.

Divorce is a Business Decision 

Divorce, once the process is engaged, is a business decision.  It’s no longer about emotional needs.  You may love future ex, but in the end you need to look out for you and your children.  This is business.  I’m not telling you to take your ex to the cleaners, I’m urging you to take care of yourself.  You can still have an amicable divorce with lawyers (or mediators involved) and you’ll also be aware of your rights.

You Can Run But You Can’t Hide From Divorce

The energy you get running is energy that could be spent protecting you and your children.  If you’re unfortunate enough to be getting divorce just realize that there are many ways for you to take charge of your life and not let the stress overwhelm you.

Jason Likert is the founder of DivorcedDadsOnline.com. The goal of DivorcedDadsOnline.com is to provide a support network for divorced (and divorcing) fathers and common-sense advice for parents whether divorced or married.

What if I tell you that your break up can actually be a good thing?

What if I tell you that it is an opportunity to find your real self and evaluate your position in life, the ultimate test for life’s upcoming challenges?

The only thing you have to do is to take the right fork in the road when standing at the crossroad.

Why do we suffer so much after a break up?

The usual break up or divorce starts in the same manner: the partner leaves, one way or the other.

How the one left behind copes with this experience is determined by 3 main factors:

1. The nature of the relationship to their partner
2. The expectation they had of the relationship
3. Their personality and personal experiences

A break up is a devastating experience for everyone. Whether or not the person left behind will suffer beyond the borders of normality depends on their expectations and experiences. The healing depends on their ability to face these factors. If they can “look into the core”, identify their behavior and fix their problems, then the healing will take place and there will be improvement in other areas of their life as well.

A break up discloses mercilessly all our weaknesses and hidden pain we have carried around since childhood. We must seize the chance to uncover and get rid of them once and for all.

A case study of two broken hearts

Case no. 1 – Kevin:

When his wife left him after 3 years of marriage, Kevin was devastated. He called in sick for work and didn’t leave the apartment where they used to live for about 6 weeks. He felt as if the very reason for his existence just vanished. He completely lost his center and will for life. All he could think of was the life he had. Although he knew that his marriage was definitely over, he could not stop wishing she would come back. This thought was the very spark of his life and his so called existence.

After 6 weeks, the initial shock was gone and he slowly started to ask himself where he was headed. He felt he was walking on a thin line towards a crossroad: to his left and right was a deep and dark abyss. He knew that he had to choose which road to follow, and this decision would determine his future life.

So he finally walked out of his apartment, met some friends, spoke with them about his fears and the way he felt. He did some research, and with the help of a friend, who is a psychotherapist, he discovered the main source of his problems: a strong lack of self-esteem and self-love.

His life had been happy because his beautiful wife gave meaning and value to his life. His happiness came from outside, rather than from the inside.

Through the coaching of his friend and a disciplined self-study, he not only overcame the divorce, but also remarkably improved his quality of life. Everything seemed to have changed: his relationships with others, his progress at work, his attitude towards women, his life goals.

He had become an entirely new person.

Case no. 2 – Julia:

Like Kevin, Julia was devastated. Her boyfriend left her in a very rude way: he sent her a text-message stating that it was over and that he had found somebody else. Needless to say, Julia suffered exceptionally. She had put all her hope into this relationship and planned on getting married. Her previous relationships had all been disastrous, from cheating to abusive boyfriends.

Unlike Kevin, she didn’t lock herself up in her flat. She partied for days, avoiding being alone. After one month of destructive behavior, she refused to talk to anyone about her experience, even not to her best friend she had known since high school.

Unable to be alone, she took drugs and alcohol to bridge over the times when nobody could go out with her.

After 4 months in agony, she met this interesting man who made her feel good. Suddenly her life was back on track again. She fell in love, and they quickly moved in together and lived comparably happy.

Julia was pleased… until the next break up hit her without mercy.

What is the difference between Kevin and Julia?

Was Kevin smarter than Julia? Of course not. Did Julia suffer more than Kevin? No, their pain was comparable.

The difference between them was the ability to identify their weak points and the willingness to make the necessary changes.

Kevin realized the inescapable necessity of taking the right path at the right moment. He was prepared to face the pain and invested time for his healing as opposed to letting himself go and avoid the pain.

Julia chose to jump into a new relationship right away rather than face her problems. She was caught in a vicious cycle.

Of course, Kevin had the luck to find the competent help and certainly, Julia had a bad childhood, but both had a choice.

The choice for a better life.

There are many Julias out there right now with similar cases. I hope they all will realize eventually that in order to change their lives, they have to take their break ups or divorces as opportunities and not as a burden.

Use your break up to look deep into your own abyss and face the monster inside.

If you can’t do it alone, get the help you need.

This is also made worse by the fact that people break up over some really silly things, like misunderstandings, lies, or even just disapproval and non-acceptance from their family members or friends.

But finding out that you’re now single through an email or by phone is even worse. It’s so cold, so impersonal, so clinical. Would YOU want to hear that you’re now single by phone or email?

Unfortunately, many people go through a long process of deciding whether to stay in a relationship or break up. And when they finally come to that decision to be alone, they don’t want to confront the other person. In a way, many don’t want to deal with the pain they’re afraid their partner will experience.

But is it right to just make that final phone call, or send that final email, and just end it? Not to say that you OWE anyone anything, whether it is to commit to be with that person forever or to break up with them in a certain way or another. You have the right and the option to be with whomever you choose, and to live your life in the way that you choose.

But in your heart, you know that YOU would prefer to hear it in person, don’t you? Would you want to agonize ALONE over the possible reasons why your relationship just ended? When would you truly get closure?

Today’s question is from a man in Maine dealing with this very issue – his girlfriend broke up with him by email and he just can’t seem to find peace.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I have been going together for 2 years and we were engaged. But she broke up with me almost a month ago by e-mail.

I haven’t seen her since then because I am almost 200 miles away from her working. 3 days before she had sent me the break up e-mail we had spent a week together and everything was great, or so I thought. The only reason she gave me in the e-mail was that she has been relying on other people for 8 years and she wants to be able to be independent on her own and prove to herself that she can. I had tried many times to call her and talk but she won’t answer the phone. I have texted her here and then and she does text back, but only if it’s nothing to do about us.

She also has 2 kids that I love to death. Their fathers aren’t in there lives so they had been calling me daddy the hole time we were together. I don’t want to lose her or the kids.

I just don’t understand why she would want to throw away a 2 great year relationship over something like this. I texted her today and told her I might be up this weekend or next to get my stuff and asked if she would talk to me when I was there. She said sure but she wasn’t going to talk about things that will make this break up more difficult. What does she think I’m going to want to talk about? To me I think I deserve to be able to talk to her face to face about all this. The way she broke it off with me just wasn’t right. Anyone got any advice to how I should approach this when I get there.

– Jason (Maine)

Couples often drift apart over the months and years together, and sadly most either don’t notice this shift or are too busy and distracted to do anything about it.

What’s amazing is that married couples are even more at risk than their non-married counterparts. Their perceived sense of security from “being married” leads them to be less worried about their relationship. So they get complacent and stop trying.

It’s human nature for most people to do the least possible required to get by. And if your partner is promised to you forever, then where’s the challenge in keeping them? Seriously, it’s already guaranteed, so really, why bother? It sounds crude, but think about it.

Finding love again, and a moving into new relationship

Well, after years of a downhill relationship, many married people find someone else who brings them happiness, and fall in love all over again. It happens much more than most people think. People don’t just fall in love when they’re single – they fall in love when there’s room in their lives for someone to bring them happiness.

But then comes the really hard part – the painful process of moving on from that previous relationship (often the marriage). And of course there’s the guilt that most people feel in this situation. That guilt is even so much more intense when they have children.

The new partner can often get very frustrated over how long this process truly takes…

And what about his relationship with his soon-to-be ex husband or wife? Will it just abruptly end, or will it just change over time? And will the “ex” be part of the new partner’s life from now on?

This is a really tough situation, but a very common one. Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 2 years. He started seeing me behind his wife’s back. She knows about us now and has for about 9 months. They are in the middle of getting a divorce so we can be together.

My problem is that she still lives with him. They still do family things (they have 2 kids together). She still texts him and calls him to let him know what she’s doing where she’s at and when she’s on her way home from work.

He told me that the only reason things are still this way is because of the kids. He does come out and spend the night and stuff but we only get 1 or 2 nights or days out of the week.

Should I believe him? Should I continue waiting for the day that we will be together completely?

I’m asking this because I sometimes feel that there is still something going on between them like a relationship. Do you think the same thing? Do you think their divorce will ever be final? Do you think she will ever move out?

I’ll be waiting for your answers thank you very much

- Tabatha

A couple has been married for 5 years or more, they have 2.5 kids, and live in a suburban wonderland.

All of a sudden, they realize they’re not “a couple” anymore, just roommates. The spark has vanished without a trace. Gone are the days or love, romance, excitement, happiness. It’s just dreary, boring, playing house with a roommate you can no longer stand.

Remember those days you couldn’t let each other go to sleep at night, and couldn’t wait to wake up and be together? Yeah, they’re gone. You don’t know why, but they’re long gone.

And suddenly, you meet someone new, fun, and exciting. Maybe even an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend from college. And suddenly you feel alive again, like you’ve been woken from a bad dream.

With one minor detail of course… your spouse and the 2.5 kids.

So what do you do? Stay with your spouse and continue the unhappy marriage, seek counseling, or divorce?

You decide. Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years and with him for a total of 9 years. We have three kids together. For a long time now we have not gotten along, there have been fights, some physical, he was arrested for trying to push me out of a car, there is emotional abuse, and I am just not happy. I told him I want a divorce.

Well, we are in financial ruin with debt a lot of debt and cannot afford a separate residence – which is a criterion for divorce in our state. You must live in separate places for a year.

In addition the financial aspect of it scares me, but I honestly don’t think I’m in love with him anymore, and I am quite certain that if we didn’t have children together I would leave and probably wouldn’t have married him in the first place. He is on the other hand a wonderful dad, and we have a great “community image” with lots of friends, etc. and he’s a teacher.

To complicate things I began speaking to a male friend of mine from college again and it began as friends, and has escalated into an affair. He lives 600 miles away but has come up to visit me and I am planning on visiting him as well. He is divorced and has a son and on the bad side he is a drunk.

But, when I speak to him, I am just completely and totally in love. I have known him for about 13 years and we were even roommates at one time, but involved with other people.

I just feel like for the first time in my life I have found true love and happiness, except for the fact that I am married to someone else. I don’t know what to do, I feel that by staying in my current marriage (I have told my husband of my feelings for this other person, but he still wants to try to make things work) it is unfair to me, and to my husband who should have someone who is in love with him.

I also think of my children and that I may possibly screw up their lives with my own selfishness….any advice is greatly appreciated.

- Tanya

Many people worry that it’s too soon to have feelings for another person and worry about what their family and friends will say. In reality, you feel what you feel when you feel it, and you’ll know when the time is right. Don’t second guess yourself and don’t let others tell you what you need to be happy.

When you get a divorce, it’s very common to miss the companionship and closeness that you once had. So what can you do?

Most importantly, don’t try to fill that void with the first person that comes along.

And when you do meet someone, take it slow, worry a little less about the future and just go with your feelings today. Don’t focus so much about the end result. Many people agonize about "where the relationship will go", etc. Stop it!

Enjoy your time on the phone. Enjoy going on dates. Just take it day by day. Don’t worry about rushing into another long term relationship, especially since you just came out of a marriage.

I’m sure you’ve heard this: "Give yourself time to heal and get over the divorce." And that is quite true. Otherwise what you may end up doing is going into what everybody calls a rebound relationship, where you end up dating someone who is the complete opposite of your ex-spouse. In time, you’ll find out that just because he or she is the opposite of your ex, they’re not perfect either.

Recognize this type of relationship for what it is and you’ll be fine. It’s OK to spend some time with someone who is the opposite of your ex. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Just don’t get too excited, because rebound relationships normally don’t last. The right person for you is probably somewhere in the middle of what you left and what you’ve just found.

In summary, just take it slow and enjoy it day by. There’s absolutely no need to rush into a serious relationship. You’ve finally got your freedom, so why not take some time to enjoy it?