The question appears here as it was submitted by one of our readers, however the names have been changed to preserve anonymity.

Wendy Asks:

I have a friend (David) whom I’ve known for 2 years but our paths only crossed occasionally.  We have always had a “connection” but never pursued the relationship because I was dating Craig. 

David and I ran into each other again the first of the year and have been dating pretty heavily since then.  Our feelings were strongly developing.

I had been trying to end the relationship with Craig since Christmas but felt I needed to be sensitive because he is very dependent.  I told Craig I had been seeing David.  He initially tuned it out because he was convinced we would work things out. 

I catered to the pleadings to the point where I missed two engagements with David because I felt Craig was unstable.  When I finally put my foot down and told him to “let it go” he started crying, claimed his chest hurt, etc.  In the midst he asked if I would just have sex with him one last time and I reluctantly consented. 

He then called David and told him I would always be his and he could prove it because I’d consented to having sex with him.  When David asked me if it was true, I was honest.

I have truly developed feelings for David who is currently very devastated.  He’s now taking time to see if he can open up to me again.  We never talked about monogamy, he knew I was trying to end things with Craig, and he has a female friend himself. 

I don’t want to lose what we’ve taken so long to develop and I don’t know what (if anything) I can do.

Please advise.

–Wendy

Answering Wendy:

Wendy, meaningful relationships are based on honesty, mutual respect, and clear agreements about monogamy. What were you thinking? Perhaps after thoughtful introspection and a sincere apology to David you can move forward with him.

Although the role of monogamy in human relationships is somewhat ambiguous, the sharp pain of jealousy is unmistakable. At its core jealousy is based on a threat to sexual access. Playing with jealousy is playing with fire.

You taunted jealousy and suffered the predictable result.

Strong and lasting relationships require total honesty with your partner. Agree first with yourself, then with your partner to always be flawless with your word. Make and keep promises to yourself and each other, especially when the relationship is at stake. You have not yet done this. If you can make an authentic agreement on total honesty with David, then there is hope for the relationship. However, if past events have irreparably betrayed your trust, then you have to move on beyond both Craig and David. Until you can be honest with yourself and your partners, your relationships will not strengthen and last.

Do You Know Why? 

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