Do You Know Why?

Part of being honest with yourself is recognizing your own ambivalence. You had not yet firmly decided if you want to be with Craig, David or both. While ambivalence is inevitable, it is safer and more responsible to resolve it through dialogue rather than through sexual activity.

Do not tempt jealousy and manipulate friends while you are making up your mind. Find a trusted confidant and friend to discuss your feelings, hopes, choices, and doubts with. If it is better to stay outside of a relationship while you sort out what it is you want to do, then have the resolve to do this.

Act consistently with your decision to break it off with Craig. You have already said that your future is not with him. Agreeing to have breakup sex with Craig was a bad decision, but it is in the past and cannot be changed. Place Craig completely in the past. Perhaps then David can eventually forgive you after your full and sincere apology.

Figure Out What it is You Want 

Resolve your ambivalence. If you reflect on what you truly want, you may decide to work toward a meaningful relationship with David. In that case the next step is to make a full and sincere apology to him. The apology has to emphasize your forbearance—assurances you have learned profound lessons and will never repeat these mistakes. It might go something like this, but it has to be said in your own true words:

The Dialogue

David, I have hurt you badly by lingering with Craig, and especially by having sex with him while you were working to strengthen our relationship. It was a bad mistake, it is my mistake, it is inexcusable, and I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused you. Craig seemed so hurt by our breakup that I took pity on him. It was a stupid mistake; I should have been more resolute. I have hurt you and may have ruined any chance we had for a meaningful relationship.

I have thought long and hard about this. I know I have learned my lesson. I assure you that as long as we are seeing each other I will be honest with you, and true to you. I was honest with you when you asked what happened between me and Craig. This is a small start. I can see the pain I have caused you and it will not happen again. What can I do to make this up to you? I am deeply sorry.

Will He Forgive Me? 

David may eventually decide to forgive you, but he may not. If distrust lingers in your relationship, it can never become meaningful. If distrust intervenes, you will eventually have to break up and find someone who you can be honest with and fully trust.

To learn more about Leland R. Beaumont , Visit the Emotional Competency website. 

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