SUBSCRIBEWhy There’s Still Hope for Marriage
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Why do we cry at weddings?
I think its because we are all hopeless romantics. We all want the dream of a lasting connection that keeps us engaged and invested. We want to feel hot about our lover 30 years into the marriage and we want that for others. We cry because we want it for ourselves and because we donât really know if itâs possible.
My daughter cried at my wedding. She was, afraid, perhaps. Afraid that while it seemed so good at the point of the wedding that it might not end up the fairy tale. Iâve been married three times now and she knew how it could turn out. She has seen my two previous marriages fail and got a really clear picture of how bad a bad marriage can be. But even at that third attempt, she cried. She wanted, at 16 to have a father who cared about her, and a husband for her lonely mom. Her hopes brought tears.
As she walked down the isle herself, a couple of weeks ago, I cried. My husband asked me what I was feeling and I told him, âSad, glad, wonderful.â
What was amazing me was that in spite of seeing me go through two disastrous marriages, she still had hope. She believes in her ability to love, and she believes in her husband.
When I hear the debate about whether you should stay together for the kids or show them that itâs okay to find happiness, I am amused. Ideally, we should all be able to make it work out. But watching miserable parents suffer for their sake does not make for well-adjusted children.
What I like to think my daughter saw, which gave her continued hope, is that when you are determined enough, anything is possible.
Ending two marriages in divorce was not what I wanted for my kids, or in the least, myself. I was ill equipped to manage a lasting connection. My mother also went through two divorces, one when I was a toddler, and another long after I was grown. So I saw both divorce, and âstaying together for the kidsâ. Neither provided me a model for intimacy.
But I was determined to have what my mother did not, a lasting, intimate connection with my husband. What I did, and what my daughter witnessed, is to find out what it took to have what I dreamed of having.
I hoped therapy would help me find it. And undoubtedly, the work I did and the things I learned did pave the way. But it wasnât until I discovered the Cycles of the Heart model that I fully understood why it is so horribly difficult for most of us to have that romantic dream. And it wasnât until I understood the way out that I was able to do it differently.
Discovering that the way our minds are wired and… Continued on next page >>
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I understand perfectly. I had a divorce, now I am marrying again. Never lost hope. My parents have been happily married for 35 years now. I think, parents should be examples for children. I know, if mines were not happy, my mom or dad would walk away and try to find happiness. It is important.
I guess we all gonna cry in the wedding. I am so in love:)
Thanks for the essay. I think it is intense.
Every single one of my married friends tell me that I shouldn’t ever get married…and 100 reasons why…
But I’m different. No seriously, I know they all think that, but really I am……..I hope so at least. =)
Regardless, I do want to get married someday. in 9 years when I’m 35…but it’ll be for life. I’m just sowing my wild oats for now.
Hi Dan and Jennifer,
What a cool couple you guys are! You’ve got a really nice Blog. Very helpful, realistic, and do-able. Glad you’re out there!
Best,
Suzann
What an eloquently written piece! I was in a 27 year marriage filled with unhappiness for both of us, and, as I find out later the kids also. It took years for me to believe that leaving what appeared to others to be a stable happy situation was okay. I knew I was miserable but was it okay to make my children unhappy and break up their home. Funny part was people kept telling me “at least your kids are grown”. It isn’t easier for them when they are grown, it’s not easier for anyone. Finally, five years later, I am remarried to a wonderful man and can finally appreciate what it feels like to be happily in a marriage. I only wish that both my children (now adults) can find the same happiness.