5 Ways to Survive Being Around Your In-Laws This Holiday Season
Hardly anyone I know can say that their families don’t have "issues" of some kind or another. This is just part of life for most of us - navigating through our family’s overt or covert drama.
For some of us the complications in our families of origin are far more intricate and obvious than for others. For those lucky others, things are pretty peachy without too many old skeletal bones rattling in the closet. Regardless, we all deal with our own situations differently.
What if your partner has a decidedly more difficult family than your own?
What if, by default, you’re expected to engage with people who leave a sour taste in your mouth and for whom conflict is as much a part of their daily lives as your sleepy morning shuffle to the coffee pot is for you?
Many Couple’s Seek Counseling Because of "In-Law Issues"
One of the things couples seeking counseling often struggle with is just this - difficulty and frustration around navigating through the subculture of their partner’s family.
I call it a "subculture" because families operate with their own roles, rules, expectations and homeostasis. Many of us can relate to the feeling of nervous anticipation prior to a family gathering with another’s high-tension family. It can feel a little like walking on a tightrope to get to the other side – or into the car in which to make your getaway!
In this article, I will not go down the road of the decision-making around whether or not you should engage with your partner’s family. I will continue with the assumption that the decision has been made that you feel it’s necessary to learn to deal with the family in question.
Also, "difficult" will here be defined as common issues addressed in couples counseling where partners’ families are concerned, such as frequent arguments, acceptance by family, jealousy, alcohol use/abuse, etc. I am not including extremely serious issues like physical, sexual and emotional abuse as the presence of these concerns have far more implications than I’m addressing here.
Walking into the subculture of the other family requires a combination of skills, some "partner" centered and some "you" centered. Here are six tips to help survive your difficult partner’s family.
6 Steps To Help You Deal with Your Partner’s Difficult Family
1) Use Active Listening Skills
This is the first step in good communication in any situation but is particularly helpful in a potentially problematic exchange. Listen carefully to what the other has said then carefully reflect back, to assure that you heard them right and they feel understood.
If you have something to say that might illicit defensiveness by the other, begin your statement with “I feel” followed by an emotion, preferably one that will have a disarming effect.
For example, “I feel sad when I try to make conversation with you and it appears you’re ignoring me.” You can’t control what the other’s response will be but you can decrease the chance of escalation.
The idea is to listen, reflect, validate and empathize with the other.
In an ideal world…
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About the author: To learn more about Lisa Brookes Kift, visit The Therapy and Counseling Blog.
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