Find Out If You’re In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

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The Cycle of Abuse

Another important aspect of this dynamic is what Dr. Lenore Walker originally coined as the “cycle of abuse.”  Essentially, there’s usually a kind of repetitive looping that goes on that consists of four phases:

1)  Tension Building:  The receiver gets the sense that the abuser is upset and takes active steps to placate him/her.

2)  Incident:  Verbal or emotional abuse occurs - consisting of threats, humiliation, blaming, intimidation, etc.

3)  Reconciliation:  Abuser apologizes, minimizes the abuse, blames the receiver, denies it occurred, etc.

4)  Calm:  No abuse taking place, often called the “honeymoon phase.”

This cycle has the effect of eventually breaking the person down emotionally.  It can happen quickly for some – and take years for others.

Final Thoughts on Emotional Abuse

There are many reasons why abusers and their victims get caught up in this damaging dance.  The issues can almost always be traced back to the family of origin for both people.  Abusers often had chaotic childhoods with a perception of little control – and deep down they fear abandonment.  Sometimes they witnessed their parents engaged in it. 

The same applies to victims – part of their life story can be around “learned helplessness” for a variety of reasons.  They may have a history of being in abusive relationships – or they might have witnessed their parents caught up in the same cycle. 

Regardless of how people get there – they can get out – and learn how to have healthy, loving relationships.

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, make sure to take steps to protect yourself if you have the intention to leave.  Have a safety plan intact and increase your support network.  If you suspect your partner has the capability to become physically violent and you fear for your safety call 911.

For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224. Additional resource for abuse: http://www.helpguide.org 

To learn more about Lisa Brookes Kift, visit The Therapy and Counseling Blog.

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