What’s Really Happening

This is really just a snippet from an ongoing series of conversations. It lasted only a few minutes.

We’ve agreed that my job is to help them have effective conversations with each other to improve their relationship.  The argument they told me about is a symptom of an underlying pattern that I must help them change.

Each of them is doing things based on old information about the proper way to behave.  Each hates what the other is doing.  Instead of looking at the pattern, they tend to look at each individual incident and argue to justify their own unskilled behaviors.

He learned to expect others to take care of his needs without taking action to ask for help or to negotiate. When an adult acts that way he can be seen as an inappropriate jerk—no matter how smart and important he may be. 

She learned that acting angry is forbidden. Since it’s almost impossible to never show anger, she saves hers until she can no longer contain it and it spills over in private. By then it is usually too late to do anything to solve the problem she is upset about.

As they both practice their conversation skills in my office, He is learning about the impact his behavior has on her. He genuinely loves her and is appalled that he has hurt her so often. She is learning that it’s far safer to express her small annoyances than she ever imagined, and her angry outbursts are decreasing. Their relationship grows stronger every day.

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