Are You Really In Love Or Just Wearing Blinders?

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Being "In Love" is Not the Same as Being in a Relationship

In fact, as with a fan, when you are “in love” there is not really a relationship yet! There is potential for a relationship, but being “in love” is not yet a relationship.

In my experience, being “in love” is a kind of hypnotic state. We transfix our attention on someone so wholeheartedly that we hypnotize ourselves into seeing what we want to see in the other person. That doesn’t mean that this other person doesn’t really have many great traits, but it does mean that we can only see what we want to see in this state.

And it feels really good to be the object of this kind of adoration. Ask any rock or movie star, they love the zeal of their fans. It’s what motivates them even through periods of slumps in their careers.

The feeling of being adored is addictive. We love that feeling and want to keep it. Often this is why people rush to get married before the “in love” state wanes. It’s an altered state that feels exciting; the zeal feels wonderful.

Being "In Love" is Not the Same as Being Intimate 

But being in the "in love" state is not the same thing as intimacy. Intimacy literally means: “in to me see”. Being “in love” requires not really seeing the other person, but instead seeing what you want to see, in the same way a fan sees the object of their zeal.

Intimacy is a process that takes time and courage.

It takes letting down walls and revealing both appealing truths about oneself and the unappealing ones. And more importantly it requires a willingness to see the other’s true self.

When we are “in love” we avoid seeing what we don’t want to see. In intimacy we strive to know more about our partner, we risk that we will see things we don’t like. With intimacy we allow our partner to be flawed, and still loveable. With intimacy we allow ourselves to be seen, trusting that we are loveable even with all our foibles.

The “in love” “fan” state cannot tolerate this kind of reality. “Excessive devotion” cannot exist when our vision is no longer clouded with illusions.

In order to become intimate we have to become disillusioned. We have to lose the illusions we maintain in order to be “in love”.

Then we can experience intimacy and a deeper, inclusive kind of love that allows our partner (and ourselves) to be imperfect.

To learn more about Melody Brooke, visit OhWowThisChangesEverything.com.

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