Arguments and Fights: Why Won’t You Listen to Me?

The key to reacting with compassion is to begin with taking ownership of your part in the situation. How do you take ownership when you have no idea what triggered the other person’s reaction?

You start by taking a breath.  Breathing may seem simple, but it’s not.  Our bodies react to threat by going into hyper-alert. In the hyper-alert state our breathing can stop.  We can stop this automatic reactive response by consciously choosing to take some breaths. 

Next, remember who is talking to you.  Remind yourself of the good things you know about this person.  Then remain open and curious about your own role in the situation.  You can say, “You seem angry, is there something I said or did that upset you?” Find your own words to convey that you are aware of something you did having triggered an emotion in this person.   Once you have opened your own heart to listening to their pain, you are in a better place to be heard. 

Reigning in our own “Fight or Flight” reactivity helps us hear and be heard. When we can calm those automatic reactions in ourselves we are less likely to respond to others in threatening ways.  By calming our own reactions, taking ownership of our part in the situation and offering empathy to the other person, we are not longer a threat to the other person.  By removing the threat, the other person can then let down their protective reactivity and listen to what we have to say to them.  

So the next time you find yourself thinking, “Why won’t they listen to me?” stop and breathe.  Then find out what upset them.  Give them some empathy, and say your piece.  Their ears will be open, check it out for yourself.

Read more great articles from Melody Brooke. 

Featured Author, Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is the author of "Cycles of the Heart: A way out of the egocentrism of everyday life", speaker, workshop presenter and counselor. She is also a Certified Radix Practitioner, Right Use of Power Teacher and InterPlay Teacher. Melody’s 19 years work with individuals, couples and families has provided her with a unique approach to solving clients’ problems. 

To find out more about InterPlay and "Cycles of the Heart" go to www.melodybrooke.com.