I must say it didn’t come easily, because stopping the “flight” reaction immediately led to a “fight” reaction.  In other words, I became defensive and angry myself in response to his predicted unhappiness about whatever it was I had to tell him. Whew.  What a mess, that is until I found a way out. 

When we go into a “flight” reaction we are behaving as Victims in our relationship and not respecting our partners ability to handle what we have to say. When we go into “fight” reactions we are frightened and behaving like a puffer fish trying to scare off a predator. Is that how we want to think of our partner? Our beloved? I don’t think so! 

Our alternative is to find a way to speak our emotional truth to our partner. Instead of lashing out in fear, say, “I don’t really understand why, but I am feeling afraid right now.”  Two things occur when we allow ourselves this level of honesty. First, we are breaking the cycle. Second we are making ourselves vulnerable, which is of course quite scary when we are already afraid.  Yet if we chose this person to be our partner we must have, at some level, a sense that this is someone we can trust.  So at this point, we choose to expand our trust to a deeper level, and give them a piece of our emotional truth. 

Secondly, we can respond empathetically to our perception of the other person’s fear.  Because we know that if someone is not telling their truth, or if they are ramming their truth down our throats, they are in fear.  We can then respond with an empathetic statement like, “I can see you are feeling upset. Can you tell me what’s going on?” This response also breaks the cycle and allows for moving into a deeper level of trust and communication. 

When we can own our own feelings, have empathy for our partner and respect each other enough to listen to each other’s feelings we can move our relationship into a deeper level of love and understanding.  We can then stop having things that we can’t say to each other.   

Featured Author, Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is the author of "Cycles of the Heart: A way out of the egocentrism of everyday life", speaker, workshop presenter and counselor. She is also a Certified Radix Practitioner, Right Use of Power Teacher and InterPlay Teacher. Melody’s 19 years work with individuals, couples and families has provided her with a unique approach to solving clients’ problems. 

To find out more about InterPlay and "Cycles of the Heart" go to www.melodybrooke.com.

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