The Games People Play

It started with an invitation that had an ulterior motive.  Jon wanted me to do something that he was pretty sure I wouldn’t be very interested in doing, so he offered me an ambiguous invitation.  If I had actually attended the evening meeting and been subjected to a sales presentation instead of getting useful information I expected, I really would have been angry.

He really was not thinking about trying to manipulate me at the time he invited me. All he was thinking about was what he wanted to do.  Games start that way and end with everyone involved feeling badly.  They can get out of control very quickly.  Then it becomes a matter of blaming each other for the problem.

If I had gone to the meeting and discovered that it was a sales presentation, I would have been very angry. And I certainly could have blamed him for tricking me.  Really, though, I would have had a part in it being tricked.  My part would have been falling for the bait of a pleasant evening out and not noticing that there was something else going on.

Ignoring the Moment of Confusion

And that is what would have happened if I hadn’t noticed my own confusion after I overheard Jon’s phone call and started asking questions. In every game, there’s a moment of confusion that is usually ignored. Once it’s ignored the game or the fight escalates into a mess of bad feelings and accusations.

I’ve been practicing noticing those moments for many years.  Even when I did notice that something else was going on and tried to get more information, I still got angry. But we did manage to avoid a fight.

Later when I had calmed down I thought about whether or not I really wanted to attend the meeting. I decided that I didn’t want to go and said, “I’ll pass.”  He said OK, went to the meeting, and I had a quiet, pleasant evening at home.

Much later, he came home and said, “It’s probably a good thing that you didn’t come.  You wouldn’t have liked it.”

Me: “Are you going to attend the workshop?”

Jon: “I’m thinking about it.”

When Communication is a Challenge

Communication can be a real challenge, even when you are as skilled at it as I am.  It’s important to learn to notice those moments of confusion and talk about them.  Sometimes that works, and you can avoid getting deeper into an argument. 

If it doesn’t work, and that fight happens anyway, trying to assign blame won’t get you very far. In fact, you may start another fight while trying to sort out the first one. If you can, just forgive each other and move on. 

If fights happen frequently, talk to a professional relationship counselor. We can help you learn more effective patterns of communication.

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