5 Easy Steps to Help You Cope with Your Fears 

Step 1: When you feel out of control and powerless, stop and breathe before you react.

Step 2: Look at your partner and remember that you love them and wouldn’t want them to feel trapped and controlled.

Step 3: If there is something that they said or did that triggered an emotion on your part, reflect back to them what you heard them telling you through their words or behavior.

Ask if you got that right. Then let them know that what they are saying makes sense (coming from their perspective…not that they are “right”).

Step 4: Find something in what they said that you can relate to (Have you ever felt that way?)

Step 5: Let your partner know what you are feeling, don’t try to “save face." If you feel ashamed, fearful, angry, hurt…whatever it is, tell them! You may think they should know, but trust me; they can’t read your mind. Don’t be afraid to let your partner see you cry (this goes for you guys, too).

If either one of you gets triggered into controlling behaviors, ask for a time out. Come back to the topic later when you are not so upset.

Love is not simply a feeling. It’s an action. Taking the time to connect in this way will give your relationship life. It may mean more intense interactions, but at least it’s not dead.

One sweet, intelligent couple I worked with has been together for 20 years. They have spent most of that 20 years controlling each other’s reactions by not telling each other what they really think, what they really do, and how they really feel.

They came into therapy because their relationship had lost its luster. They had become so distant and lifeless that they had not had sexual intercourse in a year!

Connecting through sharing of real feelings allows for the spark to be reignited between you. 

To learn more about Melody Brooke, visit OhWowThisChangesEverything.com.

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