Do You Even Know What You’re Fighting About?

How childhood can affect our adult relationships

Let me give you an example.  Sara and her husband Tom have been married for about eight years.  They have struggled with understanding each other from the beginning. Tom came from a very chaotic neglectful and physically abusive childhood, and Sara from a set of very over controlling parents who never considered her needs or wishes. 

One afternoon Sara was toasting the meringue topping of a pie in the oven.  As she was doing so she was taking care of something in the other room when she forgot about the meringue until she could smell it starting to brown, perhaps too much. 

What happened next… 

Sara then ran into the kitchen yelling her fear of burning it. Tom jumped up and ran to her aide.  She tried to pull out the shelf without an oven mitt, Tom handed her one.  She of course needed two to pull the pie out of the oven.  She yelled, “What am I supposed to do with that? I need two to get it out!” and promptly went over to get another one. 

Tom became angry and yelled back at her, “I was only trying to help!”

To which she replied, “How can I possibly get it out with only one hand?”

The fight ensued and both felt justified in their position.  Later, Sara was able to say that she could see from the look on his face that he was in a time warp that put him back in the presence of his abusive father who was constantly telling him to do things that he had no idea how to do when he was under five years old.  Tearfully, Tom was able to verbalize that reality to her later, as they talked about it on the couch when they had both calmed down. 

Take time to really listen

In both the cases of Sara and Tom and Jeanie and Frank, their conflict and hurt feelings had nothing to do with what it looked like was going on.  On the surface, the logical rational side of things, there is no way to see the pain and upset that was hiding beneath the surface.

Without taking the time to truly listen with empathy to what is happening inside the other person, neither Sara nor Jeanie would have had a clue as to what was really going on with their partner. 

To get to the place of being able to provide that kind of listening for each other takes work and an ability to step out of our own skin long enough to see things from the others’ prospective.  That is not always easy, often it’s downright scary. But it’s always worth it.

To learn more about Melody Brooke, visit OhWowThisChangesEverything.com.