If Karen had come to me sooner, I could have helped them work through their fears and begin to see each other as human beings who are hurting and desperate for love.  Had either of them taken ownership of the situation and offered empathy and respect to the other, compassionate understanding could have transformed their relationship.

How to Work Through the Fear 

If you find yourself in a situation where your partner seems to suddenly be pushing you away with anger, nagging or other kinds of protective withdrawal there are things you can do.

1. Breathe, and know that whatever is going on with them, while it might seem like it is about you, rest assured it is not. Contain your own reactivity long enough to hear what is really going on.
2. Listen to the fear and hurt underneath the anger.  When someone is angry and bitter or cold, they are in pain and/or fear. 
3. Respond in a way that acknowledges your recognition of their feelings. Say something like; “I can see that you are really hurting right now. I’m sorry.  What is going on?” Use your own words to convey that message.
4. Give them a chance to fully disclose what they are feeling even if it makes no sense to you initially and you don’t agree with their point of view.
5. Respond to what they are saying with some kind of acknowledgment that what they are saying makes sense given how they saw things. (This does not mean you agree, only that given how they are seeing it, it makes sense.)
6. Let them know you empathize with their pain and/or fear.  Have you ever felt anything like what they are expressing before?  Our human experiences are always similar. Letting your partner know you’ve been there helps them feel safer with you.
7. If they will let you, connect through some kind of physical touch, a hand on the shoulder, a kiss, a hug, a held hand… something that gives them the physical sensation of your being there with them.

Of course, I recognize how difficult this is to achieve when someone is expressing their anger directly to you. But when you can shift out of the automatic reactive self-protection mode you have a chance and getting beyond the tit for tat battles that are the downfall of even very close relationships.

The compassion that is the end result of such communication can really change everything about your life in every relationship.  It can save your marriage. 

To learn more about Melody Brooke, visit OhWowThisChangesEverything.com.

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