Understanding Our Partner’s Reactions 

What if we understood that our partner is fighting for their life (or sense of well being) with the same intensity that we are in the midst of a conflict? What if we stepped aside our own defenses just long enough to see the pain the other person feels when they are behaving badly? How would that change how we interpret their behavior?

On the day of the Oprah show when she was listening to the men talk about their violent behavior, I saw her suddenly “get it”.   She heard the pain in the man’s voice as he spoke of how desperate he was to get relief from the pain he was in at the moment he hit his wife over the head with a frying pan.  At that moment it was the only tool he had to stop the pain.  She related to it as she knew that for her, food was the only thing that, at times, could stop her pain.  She began to have empathy for the unthinkable behavior of hitting your wife over the head with a frying pan. 

When we can take the risk of checking out how our partner is feeling in the midst of a fight, we might just find that we can understand their “crazy” behavior. If we stop and view what they are doing as an attempt to survive what, to them, feels like a threat, then we can perhaps begin to have empathy for them.  We can then stop whatever it is we are doing to cause them to feel afraid. 

Sometimes it’s a simple thing that we don’t realize is happening.  Sometimes, it’s as simple as they are afraid that our behavior means we don’t love them.  Maybe we forgot to call when we said we would and they go off on us in a rage.  We feel attacked and their behavior seems irrational.  But what if we could recognize that, perhaps they are afraid that our not calling means that we don’t love them?  Wouldn’t that change how we respond?

Threat takes many forms and it isn’t always obvious.  But if someone is behaving in a defensive, irrational manner, you can rest assured they feel afraid and hurt.  Responding empathetically to their hurt can transform our relationship with them, in the moment, and forever.

Read more great articles from Melody Brooke. 

Featured Author, Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is the author of "Cycles of the Heart: A way out of the egocentrism of everyday life", speaker, workshop presenter and counselor. She is also a Certified Radix Practitioner, Right Use of Power Teacher and InterPlay Teacher. Melody’s 19 years work with individuals, couples and families has provided her with a unique approach to solving clients’ problems.

To find out more about InterPlay and "Cycles of the Heart" go to MelodyBrooke.com.

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