Comments on: Empathizing With a Wife Beater? http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/relationship-advice/domestic-violence-empathizing-with-a-wife-beater/ Love & Sex Videos, Tips & Advice from Ask Dan & Jennifer Sat, 13 Mar 2010 07:01:54 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: Wolfster http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/relationship-advice/domestic-violence-empathizing-with-a-wife-beater/comment-page-1/#comment-25937 Wolfster Wed, 14 Nov 2007 17:38:27 +0000 http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/relationship-advice/domestic-violence-empathizing-with-a-wife-beater/#comment-25937 No, I do not believe physical violence is ever justified. You go for counseling if you are being verbally abused, or you leave if you can't work it out to your own satisfaction. But you are not talking about verbal abuse, if that includes squeezing testicles, which is exremely painful and as far as I am concerned, a pysical assault. Throwing in such an example is using a red herring to prove your point, and a case involving a man who was actually physically harmed and only then struck back does not belong in this argument. No, I do not believe physical violence is ever justified. You go for counseling if you are being verbally abused, or you leave if you can’t work it out to your own satisfaction. But you are not talking about verbal abuse, if that includes squeezing testicles, which is exremely painful and as far as I am concerned, a pysical assault. Throwing in such an example is using a red herring to prove your point, and a case involving a man who was actually physically harmed and only then struck back does not belong in this argument.

]]> By: Dan and Jennifer http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/relationship-advice/domestic-violence-empathizing-with-a-wife-beater/comment-page-1/#comment-25930 Dan and Jennifer Wed, 14 Nov 2007 16:21:19 +0000 http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/relationship-advice/domestic-violence-empathizing-with-a-wife-beater/#comment-25930 Hey Jan, Welcome, and thanks for sharing those great points. You're certainly right, our society does have many biases and preconceived notions, this being one of them. Abuse (verbal, emotional, physical) is not acceptable, period. Thanks! D&J Hey Jan,

Welcome, and thanks for sharing those great points. You’re certainly right, our society does have many biases and preconceived notions, this being one of them.

Abuse (verbal, emotional, physical) is not acceptable, period.

Thanks!
D&J

]]> By: Jan http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/relationship-advice/domestic-violence-empathizing-with-a-wife-beater/comment-page-1/#comment-25926 Jan Wed, 14 Nov 2007 15:59:27 +0000 http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/relationship-advice/domestic-violence-empathizing-with-a-wife-beater/#comment-25926 What Jim did in defending himself was wrong no doubt, however, his wife appears to be the primary aggressor here and she is the one that should have been arrested not him, IMHO. Unfortunately, our domestic violence laws leave little room for discretion for the arresting officers. If they have probable cause to believe that one person is in fear of another (and what man is going to admit that he is afraid of a woman?) and an abusive women says she is in fear that plays a major role in who gets arrested, usually the man. There are other criteria the police must look like, who's larger, who hit first, who appears to have more power and control in the relationship etc but for the most part the law is designed to protect women only, not victims. Abuse by women is virtually ignored and if not ignored then excused in our current society of protecting victims of domestic violence. Any abuse of another person is unacceptable yet 30 plus years of being told that violence against women by men is the only domestic violence we need to end has resulted in abused men being arrested for defending themselves against women. Why should we give her a "get out of jail free card" just because she is a woman? Basically, by arresting him and forcing him to deal with his anger issues we are telling her that whatever verbal or physical violence she perpetrates is okay. Perhaps neither person has power and control in this relationship. If that's the case then both should be taking anger mgt. classes to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. We need to stop looking at domestic violence as a "gendered" issue and start looking at it as a human problem that will not end until all victims, men and women in heterosexual and same sex relationships, are treated with fairness. What Jim did in defending himself was wrong no doubt, however, his wife appears to be the primary aggressor here and she is the one that should have been arrested not him, IMHO.
Unfortunately, our domestic violence laws leave little room for discretion for the arresting officers. If they have probable cause to believe that one person is in fear of another (and what man is going to admit that he is afraid of a woman?) and an abusive women says she is in fear that plays a major role in who gets arrested, usually the man. There are other criteria the police must look like, who’s larger, who hit first, who appears to have more power and control in the relationship etc but for the most part the law is designed to protect women only, not victims.
Abuse by women is virtually ignored and if not ignored then excused in our current society of protecting victims of domestic violence. Any abuse of another person is unacceptable yet 30 plus years of being told that violence against women by men is the only domestic violence we need to end has resulted in abused men being arrested for defending themselves against women.
Why should we give her a “get out of jail free card” just because she is a woman? Basically, by arresting him and forcing him to deal with his anger issues we are telling her that whatever verbal or physical violence she perpetrates is okay. Perhaps neither person has power and control in this relationship. If that’s the case then both should be taking anger mgt. classes to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.
We need to stop looking at domestic violence as a “gendered” issue and start looking at it as a human problem that will not end until all victims, men and women in heterosexual and same sex relationships, are treated with fairness.

]]> By: NotSure http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/relationship-advice/domestic-violence-empathizing-with-a-wife-beater/comment-page-1/#comment-25833 NotSure Tue, 13 Nov 2007 23:44:38 +0000 http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/relationship-advice/domestic-violence-empathizing-with-a-wife-beater/#comment-25833 There are finally studies being done about the part abused women play in their own problems. It seems that abused women go from abusive man to abusive man. The question is now being asked if some of these women drive otherwise good men into a position where they feel they have little choice. I am male, and I was in one relationship where I was abused in every way (yes men can be abused in every way), after I got out of this relationship, I had another relationship with a woman who had many abusive relationships. She was never happy, and the only way she could feel comfortable was when she beat me and strangled me until I had to hit her to get her off me. She was larger than I was and almost killed me on many occasions. Once I had punched her she was actually happy. She seemed to enjoy any role as the victim... even if she had to initiate the violence by nearly killing me. In the end she was sleeping with other men without hiding it, even asking me to sleep on the couch because she was planning on bringing another man home. When this did not spark a violent reaction, and all I said was that it was OK, I was leaving anyway, she got angry. I do not think that Opera should be brought into any discussion on the subject. She is a card carrying sexist woman. She will not even attempt to tell people that as many men as women are the victims of domestic violence. Who knows, maybe some of these male victims bring it on themselves? This subject is best left to people who have lived through it, and experts who do not come to the table with pre conceived ideas and agendas. There are finally studies being done about the part abused women play in their own problems. It seems that abused women go from abusive man to abusive man. The question is now being asked if some of these women drive otherwise good men into a position where they feel they have little choice.

I am male, and I was in one relationship where I was abused in every way (yes men can be abused in every way), after I got out of this relationship, I had another relationship with a woman who had many abusive relationships. She was never happy, and the only way she could feel comfortable was when she beat me and strangled me until I had to hit her to get her off me. She was larger than I was and almost killed me on many occasions. Once I had punched her she was actually happy. She seemed to enjoy any role as the victim… even if she had to initiate the violence by nearly killing me. In the end she was sleeping with other men without hiding it, even asking me to sleep on the couch because she was planning on bringing another man home. When this did not spark a violent reaction, and all I said was that it was OK, I was leaving anyway, she got angry.

I do not think that Opera should be brought into any discussion on the subject. She is a card carrying sexist woman. She will not even attempt to tell people that as many men as women are the victims of domestic violence. Who knows, maybe some of these male victims bring it on themselves? This subject is best left to people who have lived through it, and experts who do not come to the table with pre conceived ideas and agendas.

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