The world is riddled with people who are always trying to offer up relationships advice. Everybody from your friends, family and even your computer can tell you different ways to approach problems in your relationship.

If you are going through a rough patch and you’re looking for a good way to get things back on track, you are naturally going to overturn every stone in search of an answer. However, there are people that you should avoid when asking about relationship advice. Here are the top 5 people you should avoid when asking for relationship advice.

1. Your Boss

No matter how close you are, you should never ask your boss for any relationship advice. Over the course of time, you and your boss have probably had some long nights in the office together. You probably feel like you can trust them with details of your personal life.

But when you’re going through something with your girlfriend or wife, the last thing that you want to do is take advice from somebody that signs your pay check. Not only are they unqualified, they don’t really know your girlfriend or wife well enough to give you usable advice. Steer clear of your boss when you need relationship advice to keep your professional career on track.

2. Your Mom

Sure, she’s been through it all, but do you really want to ask your mom for relationship advice? Chances are that your mom is going to take your side on every issue and refuse to give you a balanced opinion on the subjects that you’re having issues with. Your mother should be the one that tells you everything is going to be all right, not how to patch things up after fighting with your girlfriend. Avoid your mother no matter how much she tries to pry things out of you.

3. Internet Forums

Internet forums are the worst places to get advice on relationships. No, I’m not talking about a Dear Abby article; I’m talking about places like Yahoo Answers and Wiki Answers. These places are filled with people that will not take your questions seriously. They might even offer bad advice because they think that it’s funny. They also don’t know your wife or girlfriend so they can make snap judgments without knowing all of the facts. Resist posting your questions on Internet forums or Craigslist for any kind of solid relationship advice.

4. TV/Movies

Everybody wants to believe that they have a relationship comparable to that on TV or in a movie. But one of the worst things that you can do is take relationship advice from a TV show or a movie. The reason that the advice they give works out in the end is because of a little thing called a script. The two were supposed to be together in the end for a happy ending. Life doesn’t always work out that way. Don’t take your relationship advice from a procedural or you may find yourself alone in the end.

5. Your Womanizing Friend

Every guy out there has a womanizing friend. He probably picks up girls at every bard or nightclub in the city. He has a silver tongue and he always knows what to say to get a girl’s attention. The problem with the womanizing friend is that he knows little about relationships and more about seduction.

Furthermore, he’s not going to be able to give you solid advice on your relationship because he exists in a different world than you do. He dates a lot of women and doesn’t have a stable relationship. If he were in your shoes, he would break up with her and be done with it. Don’t ever get relationship advice from a player because they will always tell you to break up.

Getting good relationship advice is essential to living a happy and healthy life. If you really do love your girlfriend or wife then you are going to want to make them happy also. If you are in a pinch, consider seeing a marital or relationship counselor. There are hundreds of relationship counselors  in every city that have extensive knowledge of the most common problems that every couple goes through.

If the issues aren’t big enough to enlist the help of a counselor in your area, consult your local bookstore’s relationship section. This should offer you a wide variety of books on how to improve communication, your sex life and understanding her needs. Remember that problems in the relationship are rarely one sided, so get some perspective and try to understand the problem from both ends.

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Every new relationship takes time to hit its stride. If you’ve been dating a new girl for a little while the two of you are probably wondering where the relationship is going. Many of us have been deceived in the past. Saying one thing and meaning another is pretty common in relationships. So how do you know if she really is in love?

The answer is not so simple, but there are key signs that you can look for. The majority of the time, determining if she is in love with you can be done pretty quickly.

1. She Does What You Want To Do

A girl that puts you ahead of herself is a sure sign that she is in love. This doesn’t mean that she’s going to jump in front of a bullet, but if she doesn’t mind doing something that you want to do instead of what she wants to do she’s probably in love. Women that are not experiencing that aren’t going to take an interest in your life, friends or family.

They will usually not budge when it comes to the movie they want to see or a dinner date preference. If she is in love, she will be as accommodating as you are. Remember that relationships are partnerships and neither of you should get your way every time.

2. She Surprises You

Being in love with somebody is all about the little things. If your girlfriend comes home with a little surprise for you every once in a while, they are probably in love. This doesn’t have to be some grandiose gift, but if she saw something at the store that made her think about you and she bought it, you can assume that she’s in love.

Surprising you with something that you’ve talked about in the past but haven’t gotten for yourself is a clear sign. Surprising you with a dinner or a night out to a ball game that you’ve wanted to see is another key indicator to keep in mind.

3. She Gets Physical With You

The physical relationship can be just as important as the emotional relationship. When a girl is experiencing those feelings, she will probably not be able to stop touching you. This doesn’t mean that she’s having sex with you every five seconds, but that she takes your hand, runs her fingers through your hair or curls up next to you on the couch.

When a girl is getting physical with you, there is trust. You should be able to tell if she’s falling for you based on the amount of physicality that she’s displaying.

4. She Knows What Makes You Tick

Have you ever had a horrible day and then come home and everything seems like it’s going to be all right? When a woman is love with you she can almost sense what’s making you grouchy and how to make it better. Believe it or not, most women know how to make a man happy. Choosing to make you happy is another story.

When a woman is falling for you, she will know exactly what it takes to bring you 180 degrees back to your fun loving self. Whether this is through flirting, encouraging words or a pat on the back, a girl that is head over heels will know exactly what makes you tick.

5. She Talks About The Future

The future is something that the both of your should be thinking about. If she loves you, she will bring up the future. The future doesn’t have to be kids, marriage or the white picket fence. This could be a trip that’s a month down the road or holiday plans a couple of months in advance.

When a woman is head over heels, she will talk about the future to try to gauge what you think about it. When you’re in love with her, you should also be taking about the future. Planning the future is a very clear sign that she has fallen for you.

Knowing when a girl is love with you can be a blessing. Having the ability to gauge whether or not she is happy in the relationship can give you an edge. There is nothing worse than telling somebody that you love them and then having them stare at you blankly. Knowing these signs should help you recognize how important you are to your girlfriend to move the relationship forward.

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My girlfriend and I have an amazing relationship. Our communication is great! We’re totally open and honest about everything. She kind of dropped a bomb . She feels like a guy in a girl’s body. She’s talking about becoming flat chested, and actually having the surgery. I have no idea how to deal with this. What should I do? I really need some relationship advice!

–YouTube Viewer

What should you do? Besides run for the hills?

Seriously though, this is a simple question with no simple answer. This is super complex. The real question is: is this the relationship you want? If yes or no, the answer’s totally okay. If you’re not into this, it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Ask Yourself Some Questions First

This is one of those things to REALLY think through before you do or say anything about it. Seek relationship advice from trusted people, but also really dig deep within yourself. Is she serious? Is it a joke? Has she been dropping “manly” hints? Is this just a way for her to express her dominant, more masculine side? Maybe this is something a little strap on play could cure? Would that scratch her itch? We all have masculine and feminine elements to our personality, regardless of our gender.

It’s a yin and yang sort of thing. Maybe her yang or her yin are out of whack and she needs to get them balanced. If so, we have two words for you: strap on. And no, it doesn’t make you gay if you left your girlfriend have anal sex with you via a strap on. But it will make you sore for a few days (at least the first time) so be sure to use lots and lots of lube.

A lot of people say things, but does that mean they’re going to do it? Usually no. So just because she said this to you, doesn’t mean you necessarily have anything to worry about. At least not yet. There’s really only one way and one way alone to find out for sure.

Talking To Her

Don’t be critical, be honest and open. If you’re not interested in being in that relationship, say so. This is a pretty serious and profound issue and not everyone is going to be okay with their partner changing genders on them. Have an open and honest conversation about this, one free of judgement or labels or anything that could ruffle feathers or rub either party the wrong way. Discussing any issue with your partner open and honestly without criticism is probably the best relationship advice you’re ever going to get.

What do you do? Nothing. Wait and see. Find out if she’s serious. If she is, you’ll know. Most people talk and talk and talk and talk about doing things, but few people ever actually do them. How many overweight people do you know who talk about losing weight in January who are actually slimmer in December? Not that many.

Most people are all talk and no action when it comes to losing weight and that doesn’t involve surgery to their genitals! Imagine what the completion rate is on people who talk about sex changes versus the people who actually go through with it? It’s probably really, really super small. So you can most likely breathe easy.

If She Really Wants To Do It

If she continues to talk about this subject and continues to express interest in a sex change, it’s not going to be so easy to brush it off. If you come to a point through conversations with her, listening to her and observing her behavior that you believe she’s really serious about it, it’s time for you to sit down and think seriously about it.

Think about whether you are okay with this – and it’s perfectly fine if you’re not. It’s also perfectly fine if you are. Really sit down and think about what YOU want and how YOUR life will be affected by this. Disregard any thoughts that come up about how other people (like your family and friends) may react to this. that should not weigh in your decision at ALL. You may surprise yourself on how you feel about it. Then again, you might not.

If you decide to move on from this relationship, don’t give yourself a hard time. A lot of guys would. Explain to her the truth without criticism and after the break up, wish her well on her journey of self discovery. If you decide to be with her, then fine. Just don’t throw it up in her (or his) face later. Accept it or don’t – there’s not really a grey area here.

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Being used can be devastating to the ego and your self-esteem. If you’re in a relationship –whether budding or established and you thin that he might be taking advantage of you, you’re probably right. There are a lot of reasons that men use women. Sex is the one that most women think of, but there are others. Men cherish their self-image and having a great looking girl by their side is one of the biggest statements he can make while in public. A beautiful woman is a sign of success and power. This is a coveted feature of any man’s life, but he may only have superficial interest in you.

1. You Can Tell That He Doesn’t Really Care

Does he ask how your day was when you walk through the door? If he does, can you tell that he’s actually interested in what you did for the last 12 hours of your life? If you sense disinterest in your work, your family or your passions, he’s probably taking advantage of you. A guy that takes a genuine interest in all of these aspects is going to respect you and really care about what is going on.

2. He’s Uncompromising

When it comes to making a choice about dinner plans or going to see a movie, does he take an interest in what you want to do? If not, he’s definitely taking advantage of you or he’s a sociopath. Neither of these is good and you should probably move on. You want a man that is going to compromise with what you want and what he wants to do.

3. He’s Cold Out Of The Bedroom

If things are frigid unless you’re under the sheets, you can bet your bottom dollar that he’s wants you for sex. A man that is genuinely affectionate outside of the bedroom and in public can’t help but to show how much he cares about you. Ditch one that is only interested in a connection in the bedroom.

4. He Doesn’t Make You Feel Special

A guy that really cares about you is going to show that you’re the only girl on his mind. If you’re dating a fella that buys you generic gifts on your birthday or blows you off to spend time with his friends, he probably wants you as a backup plan. Get rid of him and get with one that will make you feel like the only girl he’s thinking about.

5. He’s Not Concerned With The Future

No man should ever talk about marriage within the first couple of months, but if your guy isn’t talking about taking trips or possible future plans, he’s probably taking advantage of you. Men that are genuinely interested in a long-term relationship will want to make the appropriate comments signaling this interest. If your man is not talking about the future, you need to ask him if he wants a long-term commitment.

6. He Doesn’t Text Or Call You Back

If you send a text to your guy, what is his typical response time? Does he apologize if he doesn’t respond in a timely manner? If he takes a day or two to get back to you, he’s probably taking advantage of you. Men that are interested won’t leave you hanging.

7. You’ve Only Been On One Date

This is a huge red flag. If the only date that you’ve gone on was the first date, you can be fairly sure that he’s just taking advantage of you. Even if you’re not sleeping with him, he probably just wants you as somebody to hang out with when he has nothing else to do. Traditionally, men want to wine and dine women so be on the lookout for a man that has no interest in taking you on a proper date.

8. He’s Disrespectful

A man should always treat a lady as a lady. If he is disrespectful to you, he just wants you until you hit the breaking point. No man should ever treat a woman as anything other than an equal. Remember this the next time he makes a disrespectful remark.

9. He Hasn’t Introduced You To His Family

If you have only been dating for a couple of weeks, you can let this one slide. But if you have been together for a couple of months and you still haven’t met his parents, there is something else going on. A man wants to have the approval of his parents. Dump him if he refuses to introduce you to his parents.

10. He Doesn’t Want To Meet Your Family

If he avoids meeting your family, this is another red flag. Meeting your family is a big deal. Looking your father in the eye while he inquires about his intentions with you is a staple of every relationship. If your guy refused to meet your family, it’s time to move on.

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What She Said:

Ah, there’s nothing better than finding love – especially when it’s “the one.” Contrast and compare this list with your lover to find out if you’re on the way to “forever.”

• You Agree On “The Big Four.” It’s important to be on the same page as you navigate your life together. Some of the biggest situations that can shake even the most solid couples include: whether or not to have kids, religion, finances and in-laws. Kids: do you both agree on whether or not to have them? Do you share similar views on spirituality? Do you share the same values about spending and saving money? What are your boundaries about each other’s families? It’s a surer sign for longevity if you’re in agreement on these big issues.
• Attraction. Of course you’ve been attracted to other lovers, but there’s something extra special about this person. It’s indefinable, but you know it when you feel it. It’s that palpable, joyful sense that your bodies fit together like no one else before.
• You’re Best Friends. As much as you’re having fun between the sheets, you also need to enjoy each other outside of the bedroom. When you’ve met “the one” you’ll share compatibility both in and out of the sack. You need the bond of deep friendship to carry you through the ups and downs – and you want someone who truly has your back.
• You Love Each Other Unconditionally. The first heady months of romance are amazing – but you know you’re with “the one” when you embrace each other’s faults and stick around anyway. “The one” will love you when you’re sick or crabby – as much as he or she will when you’re presenting your best self.
• There’s No Drama. We’ve all had those tumultuous relationships. They’re gut wrenching and often passionate – but they’re not built for the long haul. A relationship with “the one” will flow easily because you both know it’s right. Not to say there won’t be challenges – but the challenges won’t include tears of despair.

What He Said:

• It’s More Than Just Sex. And more than making love, though you’re doing that too. The point is you like each other in and out of the sheets. The one is as much fun with their clothes on as off.
• The Sex Is Really Good, Though. The sex should be electric. Sex includes flirting, foreplay, everything. You both should be really good in terms of sexual compatibility. If you’re kinky as hell and she’s straight vanilla, it’s not going to work. Sorry. She won’t be talked into S&M and/or swinging. Not so much. Or if she’s kinky and he’s not, still not doable. But if you’re both into S&M and swinging, that right there is a damn good time and a damn good level of compatibility.
• You’ve Seen The “Real” Them, And You Don’t Want To Kill Them. If anything, not only should you really like who they are, all their nervous quirks and ticks should seem cute or hot or adorable to you. Granted, they will begin to drive you up the wall at some point, but that’s for later. Hopefully, much, much later.
• You’re A Lot Alike. Opposites attract, but they rarely stay together in long term relationships. Sure, it’s natural for you to be good at things that your partner is bad at and vice versa, but if you’re a hardcore vegan and he’s Ted Nugent, how’s that going to work? Ted Nugent needed himself a gun toting, right wing, kill it and grill it type of woman and he found her. And they’re happier than pigs in mud.

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I’m head over heels in love with my new boyfriend. We’ve only been together one month, but we both feel this is it. Is it too soon to move in together? Our sex life is amazing and we spend every night together anyway!

What She Said:

I’m going to be frank. I’d wait a bit to make sure what you’re feeling is love and not lust. I have no doubt that you’re blissfully happy with your new beau, but your experience is currently tangled with your raging hormones. If this is the real deal, what’s the harm in postponing a life-changing move?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m an optimist when it comes to love. I’ve fallen in love at first sight and it was amazing. I was with this man for over three years, so it definitely wasn’t a fluke. I knew in my heart (and a few other places) that he was the one – at least for that time.

Don’t Rush The Relationship

Of course your sex life is amazing – there’s a mutual attraction at work and things are new. Savor this time – it’s one of the best things life has to offer.

I’m sure you’ve been in relationships before, so you’re no doubt aware that this will fade a bit. And nothing makes the thrill of the new fade more quickly than getting familiar with the old. It’s exciting to strip off your clothes and tumble into bed – it’s another thing entirely to learn that your boyfriend never picks up after himself. The thing that makes the mess less annoying is a deep bond that develops over time.

If He’s The One, Take Your Time!

If this is it, why not enjoy dating to the hilt? Let your body tingle with anticipation on date night. Go a day or two without seeing each other while you still have some “single you” time. Let it build slowly with layers of shared experiences as you truly get to know each other. When moving day comes, it’ll be a confident decision and not a reaction to a situation.

What He Said:

Moving in after a month? What could possibly go wrong? Did my public education prepare me to count that high? No. Not so much.

It’s been a month. It’s been a month. Have I mentioned it’s been a month? Because it’s been a month. Is that sinking in yet? Because seriously. Seriously. It’s only been a month.

Your brain ain’t right. Because it’s been a month (sound familiar?) It’s filled with all kind of fun, narcotic like chemicals. You can’t make sense of things. You are not in a right frame of mind. You shouldn’t be allowed to drive, or operate heavy machinery, unless of course it’s a battery powered cock ring or Sybian.

Where’s The Fire?

It will take time for you to adjust to the great sex (or for it to die down, either one). If it is a great relationship and it is the one, why rush it? Where’s the fire? Are you in a race? Do you want to win a medal? Why are you trying to get so fast to some kind of imaginary destination. Slow down. You have nothing to gain by moving so fast and have everything to lose. Just enjoy the ride!

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What does it mean when a guy says he isn’t seeing anyone else but isn’t ‘a labels guy?”

What She Said:

I’m guessing it means he wants to have his cake and eat it too. As played out as that old adage is, there’s a reason it’s still around. Without labels, your guy is freed from defining the relationship while still reaping the benefits of your company. The question you have to ask yourself is: Are you having fun and, if so, why do you care what it’s called?

One thing that’s crucial in this equation is time. How long have you been seeing each other? If you’ve only been hanging out a few weeks (or even a few months), back off from trying to define the terms. No one likes to be pushed and you’ll never see a guy run faster than if you try to pin him down. Men are attracted to women who have a sense of independence; needing to give a name to something doesn’t always reflect that trait.

On the other hand, if it’s been a prolonged amount of time and everything (other than the title) points towards the two of you being serious and exclusive, you deserve to know. You have the right to this information, both sexually and emotionally. If you’re in a committed relationship (i.e. monogamous), you can explore options other than condoms. A “title” also gives you the go ahead to release your heart and invest in your companion emotionally.

Follow your instincts. If you feel enough time has passed, broach the subject. If he’s willing to happily give you an answer, proceed. If a significant amount of time has passed and he still hems and haws, pick up a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You. You’ll figure out the rest from there!

What He Said:

Well, he could be a player who is into dating them and letting them go. Or maybe he’s not ready for a serious relationship and is trying to give you realistic expectations of where he’s at. Or maybe you seem a bit clingy or that you’re moving too fast to soon, as least as far as he’s concerned, and he might want to put the brakes on.

Then again, who the hell cares what it means. How am I supposed to know anyway? What am I? Oprah? Seriously, it doesn’t really matter what it means, because clearly you have a problem with it. It’s not sitting right with you for whatever reason. You’re clearly having a gut reaction on this one. So why aren’t you going with it? Why are you asking two people you don’t know?

Ask him straight up. Don’t let him give you anything other than a straight answer. Let him know that whatever the answer is is okay, but you do want to know where he’s at, no bullshit. And you have to mean that. He may think it’s a trick, so assure him it’s not. It may take some prying, but you will get the answer out of him. Evaluate it, and either move forward or don’t.

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My live-in boyfriend and I are at odds over a seemingly small issue: we reside in a small town. I’m really bored, but my BF wants to stay. I don’t want to break up, but living where I don’t want to is beginning to feel like a big compromise.

What She Said:

What’s the big picture? How is the state of your relationship? Do you think he’s your soul mate? These are all really important questions you need to be asking yourself, the sooner the better.

If you’re serious about this guy and you see a future with him, maybe where you live isn’t as important as how you live. Perhaps a small town versus the big city isn’t as big of a deal when you have love. Look around at what your town has to offer. Does the slower pace allow you to focus on your hobbies? What’s the quality of life like day to day? Maybe you aren’t thrilled about where you live, but you can improve your experience regardless of residence.

The flip side: Are you marking time with someone you dig – for now? If so, it might be time to take a hard look at your relationship. You’ve got some big choices to make. The safety of companionship can be great – but if you’re passing up life for comfort, you’re doing a great disservice to yourself and your boyfriend.

There are tons of compromises in a long-term union. If you’ve asked all the hard questions and determined you want to stay with your BF then maybe it’s your turn to ask a difficult question of him: I’m willing to stay for you. Are you willing to move for me?

What He Said:

How is this not a deal breaker? If you want to go and he wants to stay, and you’re both set in your ways, then this is a situation that has been brought to a head (and not in a fun way). You either stay here and be miserable but still have your man, or you go off to the big city and you get to do your thing (though minus the boyfriend) and maybe you are more or less happy there.

I guess the real question here is why are you both so set in your ways on the issue? Why are you looking to leave? What is there that you can’t get where you are at? Is it a career opportunity, or is the grass simply greener?

While we’re on the subject of questions, why is he so deadest against going? Is it a family thing? A job? Is he a big fish in a small pond? There are certainly several valid reasons he might not want to go, but then again, it might not be a valid reason.

If all you need is love and he has you and he loves you, why wouldn’t he want to go? I know a woman who moved to L.A. to be an actress. Times were hard and she packed it in and went back to Texas, where she promptly met a guy and fell in love. When she confided in him that her dream was to be an actress, he insisted that they drop everything and move back to L.A. right after they got back from the honeymoon. That, my friends, is a stud.

Why isn’t your man doing that for you? That’s the real question, and the answer is far more important than which town you end up

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While sharing a bed certainly has a romantic upside, it can wreak havoc on your sleep schedule. Talking to your partner about your issues, like being kept awake by snoring, can help you both solve your sleeping problems. Compromise in the name of catching a few more zzz’s will keep you both happier, at bedtime and beyond.

There was a time back in the ‘50s when you couldn’t show couples sharing a bed on TV. Think back to I Love Lucy, and you’ll recall that Lucy and Ricky had a pair of twin-sized beds in their master bedroom. It seems silly to think of a married couple not sharing a bed, yet anyone who’s ever slept next to a snorer or a blanket hog has probably fantasized about having such a sleeping arrangement.

Sleep Deprivation Means More Fights

Much as we’ve all enjoyed cuddling up under the covers with our significant other, we’ve also probably had at least a few nights where our shut eye quality suffered thanks to having a bed buddy. That might seem like a small sacrifice to make for love, but sleep deprivation is a pretty evil thing. If your partner is disrupting your shut eye night after night, you’re bound to be tired on a daily basis. If you’re tired all the time, you’re likely cranky, and you might find yourself snapping at your mate more often. Things that wouldn’t bother you a bit if you were rested might cause blowout fighting when you’re sleep deprived.

Lay Down The Ground Rules

So how can you get your much needed shut eye without reverting to separate beds? First and foremost, you and your partner need to discuss what, if any, problems you’re having. If you’re a light sleeper and your S.O. snores loudly or talks, talk to them about it. How bad and frequent is the snoring? Is it a once and awhile thing that you can use earplugs to block out? If it’s a little more frequent—say your mate has bad allergies and snores when he/she is stuffed up—try over-the-counter remedies.

Buy him or her a box of those nose strips that help open up your nasal passages so you can breathe easier and don’t snore as much. If the snoring is regular and violent sounding, your significant other might need to go to the doctor or even do a study. They might have a more serious problem like sleep apnea, which can be very dangerous. The doctor could help both your partner’s health and your sanity.

Other Relationship Problems From Sleeping In The Same Bed

Of course, there are other annoyances that can come from sharing a bed. If you’re lucky enough to be a heavy sleeper, you might not notice if your partner tosses and turns or hogs the covers all to his or herself. If you’re not a heavy sleeper, you might wake up every time your S.O. rolls over or pulls the blanket off you.

Make your mate aware of their habits in as polite a manner as possible. Then discuss possible solutions, like buying a better mattress that doesn’t magnify every move your partner makes. Maybe you simply need a bigger bed to put more distance between each other, or even just larger blankets so you’ve each got more to wrap up in.

Most of these problems are at their worst if you have the misfortune of being a light sleeper. If you are, one of the easiest ways to make sure you sleep through the night despite your partner is to go to bed before they do. Of course, you might not always be able to get to bed a little earlier than your S.O.

When you can, however, try to give yourself time enough to get to the point of deep sleep before your mate comes to bed. If you’re really out of it by the time they start snoring or kicking around, you’ll be less likely to notice it. Another option is to have sex before you hit the hay. If you both get a really good orgasm, it’s likely you’ll both be out like a light.

Of course, if none of these ideas work, you may very well have to resort to sleeping Lucy-and-Ricky-style. That, or you might want to invest in some good sleeping pills.

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My boyfriend and I are in an endless cycle of fighting and making up. My friends say I should dump him, but I’m addicted to the push/pull. I want to note that our fighting doesn’t include anything physical – we’re just into arguing. What should I do?

What She Said:

The big question here is: Are you happy? Only you can make that call, but a constant cycle of fighting and making up sounds pretty exhausting to me. It also sounds like it might be tiring your friends out as well, if they’re so well-versed on the subject that they’re to the point of offering opinions on your relationship.

We’ve all had those relationships that weren’t quite a match, yet were hard to let go of nonetheless. Nothing to be ashamed of there, that’s how you learn! You have to ask yourself what you want for the long term – is the tension of wondering when the next fight will happen really beneficial to your quality of life? Some people do get off on arguing because of the popular assumption that it leads to hot makeup sex. If that’s your trip, you might want to find another (healthier) way to rev up the engines.

The push and pull can be quite seductive. By engaging in this behavior, the two of you are constantly stirring up a fight in order to ultimately confirm that you do want each other. But I have a secret – there is an easier way. Think about how life would be with someone who loved you unconditionally, someone who told you how he felt without a fight. That reality exists and it’s a lot of fun. Now there’s something to think about!

What He Said:

What is it with chicks and fighting? I know, guys date crazy chicks too, but I think it’s different for women. Ever watch a soap opera? Ever see ANY happy well adjusted people on those shows? Hell no! Everyone on those shows are bat-shit crazy and are producing tons of tension. I think women like the unpredictability of it.

It doesn’t matter what we think you should do. You’ve already made your decision. You like the adrenaline rush from a fight. Why? I have no clue. But you like it, so you might as well just get used to everyone saying you’re in a dead end, soul crushing relationship for a simple reason: you are in a dead end, soul crushing relationship, but apparently you’re into that thing for some damn reason. So since you don’t seem interested in coming to your senses and finding a guy who worships, loves, cherishes and adores you (because really, who need that anyway?) you’re going to be stuck in this rut no matter who you date. Different dick, same story.

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Don’t Be A Boring Boyfriend

Girls want a guy who knows how to have fun. Don’t be boring – strive to plan fun, exciting things for you and your girl to go out and do. Don’t just sit at home on the couch eating take-out and watching movies or playing video games. While staying in and eating bad Chinese food in front of a DVD marathon is really fun every once in awhile, it’s not something she wants to do all the time.

Plan ways you can show her a great time, whether it’s taking her out to a new restaurant or club you’ve never been to before, or doing something really adventurous like rock climbing or horseback riding. Making her feel great by getting out and doing things (and showing her that you’re interested in doing things with her) is one of the best ways to prove that you’re a great partner – and not boring at all. Also, learn how to carry on a great conversation and engage your partner mentally. Women are so emotion and mind oriented that if you learn how to give her mental and emotional stimulation often, she will really love spending time with you no matter what you’re doing.

Be Someone That She Can Be Proud Of

Yes, there are many girls that will fall for a bum. But most of them won’t. If they do, you can pretty much bet that before long, she’s going to get tired of you and move on to someone else. Instead of letting that happen, be someone she can really be proud of. Be someone that she can tell her friends and family about. Be a motivated, confident, ambitious and energetic guy!

Have a job or other things going on in your life that she can tell other people about, such as a killer position at a popular company in your city, or volunteering as a firefighter for the local fire department. No matter what you choose to do, make sure you’re actually doing something and not nothing, and that it’s something your girl can brag a little about!

You also want to have things of your own that you’re doing that don’t always involve her. Have fun with your guy friends! Don’t be too clingy or suffocating, because if you are, your relationship won’t last long. Have things that you love and are passionate about in your life that don’t necessarily have anything to do with your girlfriend at all. Encourage her to go out and spend time with her girl friends and you do the same!

Value Your Time Together

Too many guys out there take their partners for granted when they’re in a relationship. They may rush through the dating process to have sex, or they may just get so comfortable with their partner that they take for granted any time spent with them. Don’t be that guy! Make sure that you take the dating process step by step, and enjoy each different phase of your relationship. When you’re on a date with your partner, make sure that you are fully present and that you’re engaging your partner in conversation. You want to be paying attention to her, not the game on the TV behind the bar or the cute waitress.

Also, show your partner that you really value her by making her feel sexy. Compliment the outfit she’s wearing and tell her that she’s beautiful. Take her on dates that allow her to dress up and do her hair, so she feels sexy and beautiful when she’s around you. If you’re always hanging around the house and she never gets the chance to get out of her sweatpants or put her makeup on, she’s not going to feel good about herself at all. When you touch her, tell her how soft her skin is or how nice her curves are against you. Make her feel like a million bucks!

Develop A Close Connection With Her

Don’t wall yourself off from your partner emotionally. Women speak the language of emotion, so if you’re a robot with her, she’s not going to be interested in you for long. Let your guard down some and make yourself a little vulnerable to her. Share how you’re feeling about her and about other things, and respond to the things she’s feeling when she tells you about them.

Work on developing a close connection with your partner and when you do achieve that level of emotional intimacy in your relationship, everything is going to be better. Sex is better when you’re really close with someone, and life is better in general when you have someone you can share those intimate details with.

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It can feel like total betrayal when you discover that your mate isn’t exactly who you thought they were. Maybe you’re horrified to discover that they’ve had a completely different romantic past than you thought. Maybe you’re just shocked to discover their religious or political beliefs aren’t what you thought they’d be. Regardless, you need to talk things through, unearth other possible secrets, and decide whether or not this is still the right person for you.

When They’re Not Who You Think

Few things are as jarring as discovering that your partner isn’t who you thought him or her to be. Sometimes it’s our own fault, of course. You immediately jump to great conclusions about someone because you want them to be golden thanks to how attracted you feel toward them. Then you get to know them a little better and find out they’re not as perfect as you’d imagined.

On the other hand, sometimes your mate is going to pretty great lengths to make sure that you don’t find out something unsavory about them. So what do you do when a secret about your S.O. comes to light? How can you decide whether or not you should stay together, and, if you want to stay together, how can you move past the bad news? A good long talk or two with your partner can help you begin to rebuild trust.

How Bad Is It Really?

The first thing to do once your mate’s negative secret has been revealed to you is to assess just how bad that secret is. If you find out that your boyfriend has another girlfriend, that’s grounds for immediate breakup. If you’re a bleeding-heart liberal and your new girlfriend casually announces that she’s a conservative Republican, you might be annoyed about it, but that’s not a reason to immediately give up on the relationship.

Decide Whether It’s A Relationship Dealbreaker

You basically have to decide whether the secret is just something unsavory about your S.O., or something that indicates they will not make a good mate. In other words, if your mate tells you before the first time you have sex that he or she got an STD from their ex, that’s a problem that should be worked out. If they tell you they got that STD when they were cheating on their ex with a hooker, or they wait and tell you after you’ve had unprotected sex, that’s grounds for dismissal.

People certainly make mistakes in their life, and we do change as we mature. Finding out that your partner was quite the playboy back in college might make your heart sink a little. If he’s shown in more recent years that he can be in serious relationships, it’s worth looking past his previous mistakes and giving him a chance (though you should certainly insist he gets tested for various STD’s).

People are also allowed their own quirks and opinions. Let’s take the case of our conservative girlfriend and her liberal boyfriend. While he might initially be bothered by the fact that she believes in different political practices than he does, they could ultimately find that their opposing opinions give them something truly interesting to debate about. Additionally, just because she’s a registered Republican doesn’t mean she might not agree with some of the policies that he believes in. Some people truly can’t respect other’s opinions or beliefs, but a lot of people can. How else do people who practice completely different faiths end up together?

Talking To Your Partner About It

Once you get over the initial shock of the big reveal, sit down and have a really detailed discussion with your partner about it. If they were holding out on you about something and you discovered it via another source, you have the right to be angry that they hid something from you. That’s true whether the secret is something you can get over or not.

You need to talk to them about how they’ve damaged your trust in them, and then try to figure out how to work together to rebuild that trust. Open up about any secrets you might be keeping, and get your S.O. to do the same. Make the point to them that hiding things makes them even worse. If your partner is genuinely apologetic about keeping secrets from you, then you will be able to work together to get back to trusting each other again.

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I’m the jealous type. Big time. It affects everything. Friendships, relationships, you name it. I don’t want to be this way. What do I do?

What She Said:

It’s normal to feel pangs of jealousy, but it sounds like you’re suffering from more than an occasional twinge. The good news is that this problem is actually a great opportunity for you to examine your own life!

While you’re at it, be sure to show your friends some gratitude. They obviously love you and are supporting you while you go through this painful period.

What It Really Is

Jealousy is really an outgrowth of fear – fear there’s not enough to go around and that you won’t get a piece of what is available. It’s a belief in lack – lack of opportunity, money or love. Jealousy is also usually a sign that you’re not following your dreams. If you’re sated in your life, there’s no call for ill will when others are happy with theirs.

What makes you feel jealous when you get together with your friends? Is someone glowing because her love life is going swimmingly? Do you envy your pal’s promotion? Is someone raving about getting to decorate her new fab pad? Whatever it may be, note it – these are your triggers, as well as your clues.

Using A Journal

Start to journal after you meet with your friends. Notice what makes you cringe. Now sit back and go over this list. These are the things most likely missing from your life. There’s an easy fix – now that you know what’s bumming you out, you can take control and start working on getting these things for yourself. There’s actually more than enough to go around! Celebrate with (and for) your friends, knowing that you can (and will) have a wonderful life as well. Once you take chances and create a fuller life for yourself, odds are that you can vanquish that painful feeling.

What He Said:

Focus on what you do have, and not what you don’t. If you don’t have a lover, partner, or anyone to have sex with, go out and get one! Don’t hang around your house moping over not having a boyfriend or girlfriend. Why would you continue to devote time and energy to perpetuating a cycle that gets you a huge serving of deep fried nothing? Where’s the upside in that? (Stop looking, grasshopper. I’ll save you the trip. You can’t find it. Because it doesn’t exist. Yeah, I know. Shocker. In other news, water is wet. Film at 11.)

The next step is to realize that your current pattern isn’t helping. Life isn’t about what’s fair, it’s about what works. Why would you keep doing something that isn’t working? No real reason. It’s just a habit, and you’re in it.

Breaking The Habit

The next step is to realize that this is a habit that you created and you can break. So break it. It may be a bit uncomfortable at first, but realize that you can break it and it will happen if you are dedicated and consistent on your path. If nothing else, just start by doing the exact opposite of what you normally would. That will help enormously.

Give yourself permission to move into this new space because your success is guaranteed if you don’t quit and continue to do the work. Enjoy!

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In general, we like to think that relationships become easier the longer we’re with the same person. In some ways that’s true. The more time you’re with someone, the better you know them. That level of intimacy can make your interactions much simpler. It can also make things predictable, which can lead to laziness.

What Is A One-Sided Relationship?

Just because you know someone really well and have settled into a sort of routine, doesn’t mean that you no longer have to put effort into your relationship. That kind of complacency can harm even the strongest relationship. It’s particularly detrimental, however, when one person in the partnership has become lazy, and the other is doing all of the work. A one-sided relationship like that creates resentment on the part of the person who is still carrying their weight. It also causes them to question (rightfully so) whether the lazier party is still in love with them.

How Can You Tell?

So how can you tell if your relationship has become one-sided? Think back over the last few months of your partnership and consider a few different aspects of it. Who typically suggests going out for a date night? Is it always you, always your partner, or a fairly even mix?

Let’s say that you typically suggest going out on dates and your mate doesn’t. If your significant other is more of a homebody, while you’re someone who likes to go out all the time, then you’re probably okay. It could just be that your mate prefers to spend more time with you in the comfort of your own home, whereas you like to get out of the house.

Therefore, you naturally tend to suggest going out more than he or she would. If your S.O. isn’t a homebody, though, you might very well have a problem. Does he or she often cook up ideas to go out with friends, but not with you? That’s a strong indicator that your partner is becoming lazy within your relationship.

Other Signs Of A One-Sided Partnership

You should also examine random acts of thoughtfulness. When was the last time you or your mate did something nice for the other one, just for the heck of it? If your S.O. is always doing kind things for you, and you’re not returning the favor, you might want to question why you’re not putting more effort into your relationship. Maybe your partner always lets you pick where to eat. Perhaps your mate sits through movies that you want to watch but he/she isn’t really interested in without a single complaint.

Is it part of your routine that you always get your way and your partner doesn’t? That’s a sign of total one-sidedness. Even if your partner is the most easy-going person in the world, you should still be making a point to give him or her their way on a regular basis. If you happily get your pick without even considering the fact that your mate is giving up theirs for you, you’re being pretty awful. If you don’t feel any appreciation or gratefulness for it—if you just expect it– then you’re being a jerk. Why are you even with this person if you don’t appreciate what they do for you?

What Can You Do?

What can you do if your relationship is one-sided? You need to sit down and get introspective about your situation. If your partner isn’t carrying their weight, do you feel that they may no longer care about you? Pull him or her aside and have a serious discussion about it. Maybe there’s a good reason that they’re not being as participative as normal.

Perhaps they’re overwhelmed with problems in some other area in their life and haven’t even realized they’re being so distant. In a situation like that, just talking about the problem and working toward a solution together could get you back on track. On the other hand, they may not be putting in any effort because they seriously don’t care.

Some people are so bad at breaking up, that they elect to behave poorly in the hopes that their S.O. will do the dumping for them. If you’re the one who’s slacking off in your partnership, check in with your gut and be honest with yourself. Are you really just bringing your relationship to an ending, albeit in a slow, drawn out fashion?

Whether you or your mate has grown complacent, it’s important to determine whether you want the relationship to continue or not. If you do, you and your partner need to have a good long talk. Then you both need to be more conscious about putting effort into your relationship. If you really care about each other, your mutual happiness and the success of your coupledom will be well worth the work.

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What She Said:

Well, it’s pretty simple – you can “find out” by asking her directly and you can “get her to stop” by requesting her to, respectfully, cut it out.

Just Ask!

It sounds like I’m being a smart ass, but it’s actually a fairly straightforward solution. You don’t want to be in a relationship where there’s a bunch of game playing going on. The phrase “finding out” makes it sound like you’re going to be snooping around on your mate. That doesn’t sit well with me and, my guess is, it probably won’t sit right with her either.

If your partner is, in fact, talking about everything in your relationship to her girlfriends, ask her to cease and desist. Keep in mind that everyone needs an outlet outside of their partners – her pals allow her to vent safely, which actually helps keep you off the hot seat. However, while friends are very important, they shouldn’t supersede your romantic connection.

It sounds like you’re worried private things in your relationship are being discussed, and that’s left you feeling vulnerable. That’s perfectly natural – no one likes the thought of his or her privacy being compromised. While your girl might need to spend an evening dishing with the gals over martinis, it’s perfectly reasonable to put some boundaries in place. This is out of respect for you and the health of your relationship.

Keep The Sex Talk Off Limits

There are some things that are off limits – even to girlfriends. I’d never divulge my husband’s confidences for some Happy Hour chatter – well, then or any other time. The size of his penis and our sex life is for us to share – not fodder for my gals. Acknowledge to your woman that you understand a woman needs her friends, but let her know subjects that would make you uncomfortable if other people knew. If you’re in a good relationship, your partner will respect your request and all should be well.

What He Said:

Yes, you should ask her and yes, your partner shouldn’t say certain things to her girlfriends, but the real question is how will you know?

So your partner says nothing is said about your penis and how you use it, or whatever else you don’t want her friends knowing. How do you know your partner won’t tell them?

You kind of have to just trust her. If your S.O. loves you, it shouldn’t be an issue. Your partner probably won’t be saying this stuff to her friends, but if your partner is, ask her to stop. Your S.O. should respect your boundaries and needs in a relationship. (Beware the girls who say they are “an open book” that means they blab their shit to everyone).

Just make sure to say things like “this is something that stays between us” or “don’t tell your friends about this” so your S.O. can’t come back and say “you never told me not to tell” cause women are crafty like that.

Seriously though, you should know the answer to this question. If you don’t trust her by now, why are you with her?

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Whether you’re both experienced pet owners, or this is the first time either of you have ever had an animal, getting one together is a big decision. Co-owning an animal with your S.O. should never be treated as a whim. This is a long term commitment that will require both of you to put in time and effort every single day.

Make Sure Your Relationship Is Stable First

It will also require a monetary commitment from both of you. That’s why it’s important to be certain that you’re both in your relationship for the long run before you get an animal together. Sure a dog or a cat isn’t a baby, but it is a living creature that will be dependent upon both of you. That means you both need to be on the same page before you head off to your local animal shelter or breeder.

If you are married or have been living together for several years, you can feel more comfortable about taking this step. Not only are you in a serious relationship that will likely last for many more years to come, but you’ve also been together long enough to know whether or not your S.O. is responsible. This means you won’t have to worry about how much more difficult it will be to end your relationship with a shared animal in the mix.

It also means that you’ll know they will be more likely to hold up their end of the animal-related duties or not. If you’ve only been together for a little while and aren’t really sure if this person is the one for you, hold off on getting one together. Having to fight over who gets the animal when you’ve broken up will just make things that much worse, and shared custody will be a pain for all involved—especially for the dog or cat.

Have A Talk On What You Want

Once you’ve decided that your’re in a serious, long-term relationship, sit down and talk to your S.O. about what you’re looking for in a pet. If neither of you has ever owned an animal before, you might want to do some research online or check out books about animal ownership. This will help you get an idea of the level of commitment each kind of animal requires.

For instance, dogs require a little more work than cats do. You have to walk them regularly, and potty training a puppy is more difficult than showing a kitten where its litter box is. If you both work long hours and neither of you can get home to walk a dog at lunch time, a cat might be a better fit for you. If you work far away from your home or apartment, but your S.O. works ten minutes away and always gets a lunch break, you probably could have a dog. Just make sure that your mate is okay with always being the one who has to handle midday walks.

Divide The Responsibilities

Speaking of midday walks and other responsibilities, you and your mate need to figure out a way to divvy up the work and cost associated with having an animal. The time to do so is prior to picking up your new four-legged family member. If you can’t decide who will be responsible for feeding times, vet trips, etc. without an argument, at least one of you isn’t ready yet.
You may also find that your S.O. is trying to pawn more of the work off onto you, which could indicate that he or she doesn’t really have their heart in it. It’s also really important to discuss the costs involved.

Things To Plan

Buying from a breeder will be more expensive than adopting from a shelter, but either way there will be costs involved. Then you’ll have to pay for things like food, toys, collars and leashes, cat litter or dog baggies, and veterinarian appointments. If you don’t have a joint bank account, you need to plan in advance how you’ll divide up the payments.

The last thing you want is to take your sick dog to the vet and discover that you owe hundreds of dollars because your S.O. can’t—or won’t—pay for their half. You may want to open a joint bank account dedicated specifically to those costs, even if all of your other accounts are separate.

Once you’ve talked everything through, make sure that you go together to pick out your animal. Springing a surprise puppy or kitten on your mate might seem romantic, but it’s really not a good idea. It’s important to make sure that you both meet any possible future pets before you decide on one. You’re caring for it together, so you should make sure you both feel good about the animal you end up with.

That may also mean making compromises. You might want a big dog to go running with while your S.O. might want a small lap dog. Try to find something in between that will be athletic enough to play, but small enough to hang out in your house. Once everyone’s had their say and compromises have been reached, you’ll be much more likely to get one that you’re both absolutely wild about.

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Are You A Constant Nagger?

No one likes being called a nag. The term is full of all sorts of negative connotations. Yet all of us have probably done it to someone about something at one point or another. Maybe you find yourself repeatedly asking your mate to put their dirty laundry in the hamper and not on the floor. Perhaps you’ve requested over and over that your partner remember to deposit that check at the bank. Whatever the point of it, you know that it’s no fun being on either end of it.

When you’re the one being nagged, you feel annoyed with your S.O. Their nagging is a reminder that you’re not living up to their standards on this particular issue, and that never feels good. If you’re the one doing the fussing, you feel frustrated and exasperated. It’s not as though you want to get on to someone—you just want them to do something the first time you ask them to do it. The worst part of nagging is that you start to feel more like an angry parent and scolded child than a pair of two adults in a romantic long term relationship.

Are You On The Giving Or Receiving End?

The key to halting this in your long term relationship is being considerate and forgiving of each other. If you’re typically on the receiving end of it, ask yourself why. When your partner asks you do them a favor by picking up the dry cleaning once a week, be considerate of their wishes. Surely that partner does things for you. Maybe you get distracted easily and forget to pick up those clothes. To your partner that seems inconsiderate. That’s why they become annoyed and then get on to you about it.

Since you know that you’re prone to forgetting things, come up with a way to remind yourself, like putting a reminder into your phone. Sure, you might still forget from time to time, but if you do a better job overall, your partner will be more likely to forgive you when you do screw up. That means less fussing for you to have to endure.

Give Yourself A Reality Check

Should you be the one constantly fussing, try to check in with reality. If you’re doing it about little things, you might want to consider letting the issue go. Say your significant other always leaves the dishes on the counter instead of putting them into the dishwasher. This is probably a bad habit of theirs that they’re not likely going to change.

Instead of wasting your time and energy on fussing at your partner about it, just put the dishes away yourself. It probably takes less effort for you to load the dishwasher than it would to regularly complain to your S.O. about it. Don’t ever forget that you probably have a bad habit or two that bothers your mate. You’re not perfect, therefore you shouldn’t expect perfection from them either.

Is The Issue Bigger Than The Little Stuff?

What if there’s a bigger issue at hand than dry cleaning and dishes? Maybe you’ve been nagging your partner to stop smoking or cut back on their drinking. Instead of nagging in the moment, sit down and have a heart to heart with your mate. Do this at a time when you’re both in good moods and the problematic issue is not directly at hand. You truly are trying to help them overcome big problems here, but nagging may not be the right way to go about it.

Tell them how much you care about them, and why you need them to break their unhealthy habits for you. Then you should work together to come up with a plan. Promise them that you won’t be on their back about it every five minutes if they show you that they’re working to get better. Seek outside help or marriage counseling so that you’re not the lone person policing the issue. Above all, make sure that your S.O. knows that you’re doing this because you love them. If they love you as well, they’ll understand how well-meaning you are being.

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What She Said

Umm, no. Granted, I am a woman and you haven’t given us much to go on with this question. In general, society still plays a large part in defining roles of gender and, thusly, behavior. It’s up to us as individuals to unravel what that means in our lives.

What IS Expected Of Men?

I assume you’re speaking from the vantage point of what’s wanted from men and dating, given the nature of our column. I acknowledge that men have certain pressures when it comes to relationships – the biggest sticking point with many guys being the assumption of who pays on dates. We’ve covered that several times here, but I’ll say it again – it’s not how much you spend, it’s the thought that counts. Being honest while living within your means will make for a happier relationship.

Every Woman Wants Different Things From A Man

Since I don’t have much to go on, I’ll tell you what I want from a guy – the same thing I expect from myself. Honesty, respect, communication, love and companionship all rate high on my list. Money, childcare, romance, how much time spent with the in-laws and who cleans the house are common issues. Every couple has different answers as far as these expectations go, but I’d assume the happiest relationships are where the balance of the responsibilities is relatively equal.

If He Feels Overwhelmed

If a man feels that too much is expected of him, he might want to take a look at two things – himself and the relationship he’s in. Expectations are just that – it’s up to you how (or if) you decide to fulfill them. It’s your life and resentment is a terrible waste. Don’t be a victim and assume you have to live up to someone else’s vision. Make your own rules and find a partner who believes in a similar way of life. You can’t control what others want from you (much less an entire gender), but you can control how you react.

What He Said

Do girls want too much from men? Hell yes! You want us to pay, you want us to be nice, but not too nice, you want us to love you for your mind as well as your body, you want us to put the seat down, you want us to want to do the dishes. You want a bad boy, but you want him to be monogamous, you want passion, you want consistency, you want him to have six pack abs, you want him to eat healthy, but not eat like a girl, you want him to last all night and fuck like a porn star, blah, blah, blah.

Is It Too Much?

That’s a lot to live up to. It used to be that girls were the ones burdened with all the unrealistic expectations that society heaped upon them in droves. Now men are getting our fair share. When did that happen? Where’s gender inequality when you need it? Men are starting to be as insecure as the ladies, if not more so, about sex and their bodies. That’s not right! That’s your problem. Not ours! Damn feminism. Damn you Gloria Stenheim!

Wait…what was I talking about?

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For Better Or For Worse

Everyone who’s ever been to a wedding or seen one on TV or in a movie knows the gist of typical wedding vows. There’s a line in there about sticking it out whether you’re healthy or sick, rich or poor. This shouldn’t just apply to married couples, of course. If you’re in a relationship with someone and they fall ill or lose their job, you should be there for them. You would want them to help you through your rough time, so you should treat them in the same manner.

How To Show Love When Things Get Hard

There are so many different ways that you can show your love during tough times. Whether your S.O. has lost their job or a loved one, just being there to listen to them will get you off to a good start. Offer to help where you can, but never be forceful about it. Say your boyfriend just got laid off from his job. Give him a few days to be upset, and then ask if there’s anything you can do to help. If he says he doesn’t need help, keep in mind that his ego is suffering.

Forcing your help on him right now might just make him feel worse and in even less control of his life. So give him space where he needs it. When someone is upset and hurting, it’s important to be observant. Follow their cues and you’ll help them in the best way possible.

Empathy Isn’t Everything

While empathy is incredibly important, don’t ever pretend to understand what your mate is going through if you haven’t been there yourself. If your girlfriend’s parent just passed away, and both of yours are still alive and healthy, you can’t tell her that you get what she’s experiencing. If you do, that could start an argument.

When a person is grieving, they feel like no one can really understand their pain. Your job is to make sure that your mate doesn’t feel alone. Tell her that, even if you can’t truly understand her particular sorrow, you want her to know that you’re here for her. If she needs to cry, yell, or just be held, you’ll be with her for all of it.

Be Throughful

Perform thoughtful acts without being asked to do so. If your S.O. typically does the cooking or the cleaning, take on some of that work so he or she can have extra time to do whatever helps them mellow out. Encourage them to get some form of exercise, which will help them feel better. Gently nudge them out into the outside world so they can’t just sit around all day focusing on their unhappiness. Of course, if they resist, never push them.

Perhaps if they’re not up for going out, you can coax them into watching their favorite funny movie or playing a game they like. Just try to get them smiling again. Sex can also be very healing, though you should try to be understanding if your significant other needs a break. When you’re stressed or depressed, your sex drive can take a real dive, so don’t take it personally if they’re not really in the mood.

Be Kind

Ultimately, the key to being a really supportive S.O. is to make sure that you are there when you’re needed. Be respectful of your mate’s need for alone time as well as together time, and never force things on someone who’s upset. Treat you S.O. kindly during a difficult time, and they will appreciate it on many levels, for many years to come.

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Question: First off, let me say I love you two! But I’m in a hard situation. A very good friend of mine is pregnant (by accident, old story of condom in the wallet) and she opened up to me and said she starting to love me and wished that the baby was mine! I’m not really sure how I feel about her. Any advice? And again I love you two, great advice!

–YouTube Viewer

What Are You Okay With?

Before you think of how your friend will feel, or how the baby might feel, or how anyone else will, you need to think about how YOU feel about the situation. Take some time outside of the situation to mull it over and think about the different possibilities here and how they might affect your life or the way you live. What are you okay with? What are you willing to be okay with? Tell your friend you need some time out to think about the situation – you at least deserve that.

Do You Want To Take Care Of Her And The Baby?

When you sit down and really take stock of the situation and how you feel about it, there might be a feeling of guilt or responsibility to take care of your friend and the baby. This is going to be especially true if you have at least some romantic feelings towards her, or care about her and your friendship very deeply. Stop right there!

Remember that you didn’t get her pregnant and you’re not responsible for the situation at hand. Yes, you can decide that you want the responsibility and that’s great – but remember that you don’t have to. Don’t guilt yourself into taking care of her and the baby because you feel obligated to. That’s not going to end very well. Make sure that if you do end up getting into a relationship with your friend and being a father figure to the baby that it’s really something you want to do – not something that you feel like you have to do because no one else will.

What If You Don’t?

If you decide that you don’t want to be with a girl who is pregnant (or if you don’t want to be with her), and you don’t want to take care of a baby once it’s born, that’s completely your prerogative. Remember, you didn’t get her pregnant! Don’t let anyone pass judgement on you and certainly don’t feel like you have to pass judgement on yourself. This is totally your call, and it’s perfectly fine to decide that this isn’t where you want your life to go right now. You don’t owe her anything.

Be Honest With Her

It’s your right to decide to do whatever you want to do in this situation, but you do need to be honest with her and truthful about how you feel. Yes, you do need to be delicate here, but honesty is the most important thing. If you decide not to be with her, explain to her why you feel this way and make sure the conversation stays limited to how you feel.

If you stick to your feelings about the situation, she can’t argue with it. However, if you present an entire list of logical reasons as to why a relationship between the two of you couldn’t work, she can argue with it – and she can probably make some pretty valid points. Remember that the choice to be with her or not was based on your feelings (not logic), so your explanation should too.

Give It A Trial Run

If you’re not sure about it, why not give it a try? Try being in a relationship with this girl and seeing how it develops. Talk to her about your idea to try it out, and make sure that she knows you have the right to decide that it’s not for you at any point in time. This also gives her the opportunity to try out a relationship with you without the commitment to be with you for a certain period of time or even be with you when the baby arrives. Don’t think that if you try it now that you’re stuck forever. Let it play out and see what happens!

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Oftentimes the people that we love don’t get along together. If you’ve recently learned that your parents are incredibly displeased with your choice of a partner, you may very well be reeling. Do they see some horrible quality in your S.O. that you’ve been blind to? Or are they just being ridiculous in their own expectations for you?

Consider Major Negative Feedback

If they give you majorly negative feedback on your S.O., it’s worth considering it. They may have a really good reason for not liking your boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe they know that he or she has cheated on you. You might be okay with that, but they aren’t. Maybe he/she was really rude to them and openly disrespectful of you in front of them. If these are the sort of complaints they’ve made to you, you should think really hard about why you’re with your mate.

They know you pretty well, and they may be right in thinking your S.O. is wrong for you. If their reasons for disliking your partner are miniscule or unfounded, however, don’t even bother considering a breakup. Instead, start thinking about how you’ll smooth things over between your parents and mate.

How To Get Them To Reconsider

The first step in getting them to reconsider their stance is to give them a great sales pitch on your S.O. Give them evidence to negate their fears, however irrational. Talk about all of the wonderful things that your partner does for you. Show your parents just how truly in love you are with this person. Prove to them that your significant other is a great source of happiness for you. It can even help to point out all the ways that they’re different from and better than past boyfriends or girlfriends that also met with your parent’s disapproval.

Once you’ve convinced them to give your partner a second chance, come up with a good way to get them together again. Make sure it’s in a setting that they will likely feel comfortable and happy in. Better still, work in a way for your S.O. to show off some of their better qualities. If they’re a great cook, the two of you can make dinner for your parents. If they are baseball nuts and so is your mate, go to a game together so they can talk shop and bond over a mutual interest. They may see your partner in a new, brighter light.

When The Issue Is More Serious

What if the problem is more irreparable, though? What if your parents are showing an ugly side to their personalities? Perhaps they’ve decided that they don’t like your partner because he or she is of a different race or religion from you. Maybe they think he or she is too poor or from the wrong class standing. You’re going to have to fight an uphill battle here, and you may not be able to win.

This is when you might have to make the hard choice to cut your parents out of your life, at least until they can be more accepting. It could be really difficult to do, but if you’re deeply in love with your S.O.—if they’re someone you may very well marry and/or have children with—you can’t give them up because they are being ridiculous. It’s a hard but important decision that you must make.

Hopefully, it won’t come to that. Remind them that if they love you and want you to be happy, they’ll respect your choice in a partner. Be patient and help them learn to accept your S.O. Sometimes time is the best bandage for a situation such as this.

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Not a lot of people talk about it, but it can feel pretty bad when your partner makes more than you do. Though stereotypically it’s the man who gets upset to discover his girlfriend out earns him, the envy can go both ways. It’s particularly tough if you’re competitive by nature or happen to work in the same field.

Things can be even worse if you suddenly find yourself unemployed, while your partner continues to succeed in their job. With the way the economy has been going, this problem is more commonplace than ever. So what can you do to get rid of some of the awkwardness and animosity? Whether you’re the one who’s broke or the one who just got the big raise, there is lots of relationship advice to make your wage gap less problematic.

If Your Salary Is Greater

If you’re the one who’s doing well, you need to attempt to be as empathetic as possible. Try not to go on and on if you get a big raise or promotion. You deserve to be happy and you certainly shouldn’t hide it, but one night of celebrating is enough. No need to keep referring to it over and over in front of your S.O. They will still be happy for you, but if they’re having a particularly hard time themselves, they may not fully express it. The truth is that they’re probably feeling not only jealous, but also guilty about that jealousy.

As a result, their congratulations to you may not be as thrilled-sounding as you’d expect. Don’t let this hurt your feelings or diminish your own excitement. Just be aware that the subject is a little touchy. Though you may feel like enjoying some of your hard earned cash by going on more extravagant dates, try not to go overboard. If it’s your turn to treat, you can go somewhere a little pricier than normal, but don’t make a habit of it.

If you typically split the check, be sure to pick a destination with your partner’s budget in mind. It’s likely that you’re partner won’t feel comfortable saying that something is out of their price range, so don’t put them in a position where they have to protest.

If You’re Salary Is Less

On the other end of the equation, if you’re the individual who isn’t making the big bucks, you also need to be able to consider your mate’s feelings. Don’t rain on their parade because you’re feeling bad about yourself. Even if you’ve been out of work for a month, if your sweetie arrives home and informs you he or she was just promoted, let them know how proud you are. Celebrate with them a little. Remind yourself that you want your partner to be happy, and that their successes are your successes as well.

If you really feel like you can’t handle one more minute of hearing them talk about their good fortune, calmly say as much. Simply state that you’ve been feeling down about your own situation. Explain to them that you are happy for them, but you can’t help feeling a little jealous. Then ask them if you can change the topic for awhile, and make sure to do so without any rancor in your voice. As with most relationship issues, honesty is the best policy and good communication is important.

Keep Yourself Grounded

No matter which role you’re currently playing, you need to stay in touch with reality. Remind yourself that you might not always be the one in your current position. If the roles were reversed, how would you want to be treated? Someday they very well may be, and you’ll be counting on your significant other to show you the same respect and love you showed them.

You should also remember that a big salary isn’t everything in life. If you both woke up poor tomorrow, you would still be lucky to have each other. A little career or monetary envy isn’t worth breaking up over. Keep that in mind, and you’ll be able to bridge the gap.

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When you’re one half of a serious relationship, especially if that relationship is a marriage, you can no longer make large decisions on your own. Everything that you do affects not only you, but also your significant other. Therefore, it’s imperative that you seek out relationship advice and learn how to make major decisions as a unit.

You must become better at judging where to compromise and where to stand your ground. Furthermore, you need to be able to determine when sacrificing something you want and allowing your S.O. to get what they want will be better for your relationship as a whole. This, among other things, will require you to strengthen your communication skills together.

Take Time To Talk About It

The first step toward making a big decision together is to set aside time to discuss it. Make sure that you’re both in good moods. If you’ve just had an argument or one of you has had a particularly bad day, you’re not going to be in the proper mindset to make a large scale decision.

If you’re both feeling fairly calm and happy, ask your S.O. if you can talk about the big topic at hand. Then eliminate any possible distractions. Turn off the TV or your music, set your phones to silent and put the computer to sleep. This is a potentially life altering choice for both of you, so you want to make sure it has both you and your significant other’s fullest attention. Don’t have the talk if you’ve been drinking or while you’re drinking, either. You should both be in a very clear state of mind.

Lay Out The Facts

Once you’ve found the proper time and setting to hold your discussion, begin by establishing the facts. Let’s say that you’ve decided you’re ready to start having kids, and your S.O. isn’t quite so sure. You need to state your position and the reasons why you feel ready—you don’t want to wait until you’re too old, you feel financially settled, etc.

Then ask your S.O. to explain what they’re feeling and why they’re feeling it. Maybe he or she wants kids, but feels like they need more time to establish themselves at their job first. Without getting defensive or hostile, ask how much more time they think they need. No matter what the topic is, you should do your best to get your mate to open up fully and be honest about their feelings. It’s important that you both be completely open about what you want and your related fears.

Looking For Compromise

After you’ve each fully explained your side of the story, it’s time to look for compromise . In the case of the baby issue, you may have to agree to wait a little longer than you’d like, as long as your S.O. agrees to get started a little earlier than they’d hoped. When meeting in the middle is a possibility, go for it. Of course, sometimes it isn’t.

Perhaps your issue is that your mate wants to move to a new city to take a promotion in their job, and you don’t want to move because you’ll be giving up your current job to do so. In a case like that, there’s no way to fully compromise, so you’ll ultimately have to decide what will be best for your partnership. Step back and attempt to view things more logically. Will there be other job possibilities for you in this new city? Is your S.O. the bigger bread winner in your relationship, or are you? Do the pros for one side outweigh the cons for the other?

Staying Calm, Cool And Rational

If you and your S.O. can keep the right relationship advice in mind and both keep your cool and be as rational as possible, you’ll find you’re able to reach a consensus sooner rather than later. That doesn’t mean that either of you should be a pushover, but it does mean that you can’t let emotions alone rule your choices. Most importantly, though, you have to remember that you’re no longer in it only for your own good. The health, happiness, and success of your relationship as a couple are now your priority when it comes to making big choices.

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It can be very exciting when the time comes for you and your significant other to take your first vacation together. Time away from your everyday surroundings and obligations can make for a truly wonderful bonding experience. But travels don’t always go as planned, and you may find yourself encountering a side of your partner you don’t find very attractive. How can you make sure that your trip goes smoothly? Lots of advance planning helps, along with patience and a good sense of humor.

Plan Ahead!

It’s always important to have a rock solid plan when you’re traveling, but never more so than when it’s the first time in the relationship that you and your mate go away together. The better you plan, the less you’ll have to worry over during the trip. First and foremost, make sure to pick a place you’re both truly interested in visiting. Since it’s your first trip together, unless you’re both seasoned travelers, you should probably stay closer to home.

A domestic destination promises a shorter flight, no need for passports, and no language barrier to worry about. It can also make for a more affordable trip, which can help eliminate a common traveling worry—overspending. Minimizing stressors before you’ve even stepped into the airport can be very helpful. Speaking of airports, you’ll also need to decide on a mode of transportation. For a first trip, flying or taking a train is probably your best option.

Road trips are notorious for quickly going from great to terrible; you can get lost, your car can break down, etc. While flying and taking the train also have their drawbacks, at least neither of you will be directly to blame if something does go wrong. After settling on a destination and a mode of transportation, make sure to pick your accommodations together. Agree ahead of time on how you’ll pay for your lodgings, so you won’t have to worry about it later.

Allow For Extra Time & Plan What To Pack

A few days prior to your trip, plan how you’ll be getting to the airport or train station. Establish a meeting time and place that allows you both extra time to get there. If one of you cuts it too close and is late, you’ll be starting your romantic getaway with a guaranteed fight. Next, plan what to pack together. You want to make sure that both of you bring the right clothing for any activities that either of you have in mind, like a fancy dinner out, hiking, swimming, etc. That way, none of your plans will be ruined because someone doesn’t have the right clothing to participate.

You should also make sure you both pack a few things to keep you entertained on the journey. You’ll want to bring a couple of things you can enjoy together, like playing cards. However, you shouldn’t assume that your mate will stay awake and entertain you through the whole flight. Bring a book or an MP3 player in case your S.O. falls asleep while you’re en route.

Remember To Have Fun!

Once you’ve arrived, let the fun begin. Different people have different traveling styles, so you may discover that you’re more laidback, while the person you’re in a relationship with is a scheduler. If you two don’t see eye to eye on how to manage your daily activities, try to compromise. Block out half of the day to be spontaneous and the other half to stick to an itinerary. Being able to compromise during your vacation won’t just make your trip easier, but will also demonstrate that you are generally considerate.

What if you encounter a traveling disaster? How you handle little road bumps will say a lot about you as a person and a partner. Try not to panic or go into heavy complaint mode. Remain calm, help your mate calm down as well, and remind yourselves that you’re just on vacation. Don’t let someone’s lost wallet or an extreme flight delay ruin your entire trip. Showing some grace under pressure and keeping things light will turn you into a hero.

Don’t Let A Bad Vacation Ruin Your Relationship

What if the vacation disaster is that you really don’t like being with your boyfriend or girlfriend 24/7? The best thing you can do is suck it up and weather the trip, then get home and think about where your relationship is headed. Don’t do anything rash when you’re away from home. While a vacation together can teach you a lot about each other, you shouldn’t let one bad week in unfamiliar territory ruin your entire relationship. Of course, most vacations go wonderfully, and you may return more in love than ever before. Planning ahead and staying flexible once you arrive will certainly help toward getting that happy result.

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Sometimes a simple “sorry” just doesn’t cut it. In fact, if you do a poor job of apologizing, you may find yourself getting into a whole new argument with your S.O. and you’ll never reach a conflict resolution. A truly good, genuine apology, however, can be like a well-executed set of stitches. Not only does it close the wound you’ve opened up, but it can minimize the chance of future emotional scarring.

Mean What You Say

Though it may seem obvious, one of the most important ways to apologize properly is to really mean it. If your apology is cast off carelessly just to end the fight at hand, it won’t be believable. An insincere apology will only rile your mate up, not satisfy their need for appeasement. Instead of hastily saying you’re sorry, hear your partner’s argument all the way through.

Then pause to consider what you’ve done wrong, and genuinely apologize for it. It can be hard to acknowledge your own wrong-doing, but if you really love your partner, you need to admit that you did something wrong and are really sorry about it. If you’re not really sorry, then you need to call a time out on the argument so you can think more by yourself.

Choose Your Words Carefully

When you actually go about apologizing, you really need to be careful with your word choice. Saying things like “I’m sorry you’re so angry” or “I’m sorry that you don’t approve of what I did” isn’t really apologizing and won’t do anything for actual conflict resolution. That’s just turning things around on your partner under the guise that you’re sorry. You need to actually take responsibility for your actions when you apologize (i.e. “I’m sorry that I forgot to mail our rent check this month”.)

You also need to be careful with your tone. Don’t yell your apology angrily, and don’t let sarcasm creep into your voice. Take a good, deep breath to calm yourself down before you start speaking. If your S.O. starts to interrupt you as you’re talking, just let them. After they’ve said their piece, start your apology again. If you keep your cool, even if your partner can’t, your apology will feel more genuine.

See Your Partner’s Point Of View

To further improve upon your apology, make sure to acknowledge that you understand where your partner is coming from. Simply stating that you get why they’re mad shows a level of empathy and regret that they’ll appreciate. If you really want to win them over, say that you want to discuss how to prevent a situation like this from happening again.

Ask for their advice and input. Inviting them to help figure out the best conflict resolution reminds them that you really do value their opinion and their role in your life. Part of apologizing is not only showing that you are truly sorry for what you’ve done, but also showing that you want to keep from repeating your mistakes in the future. A hug and a kiss once you’ve both calmed down never hurts, either!

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No matter how in love you may be, there are going to be plenty of times in your relationship where you and your significant other disagree about something. Maybe you can’t decide on where to move to, or maybe you just can’t agree on what to have for dinner. Either way, it is possible to get your way without coming off like a self-centered jerk. You just have to make a calm, reasonable argument and know how to pick your battles.

How Important Is It?

If you find that you and your partner are at an impasse, the first thing to do is to decide how truly important it is that you get your way. How upset will you really be if you have to let your S.O. win on this particular topic? If you feel that you can live with it, you should go ahead and let your partner win. In doing so, you’ll not only end the debating, but you’ll also give yourself bargaining power in future disagreements.

If you agree to move into your boyfriend or girlfriend’s apartment instead of having them move into your place, you may find that you have the upper hand when it comes to choosing your next place of residence.

On the other hand, if you decide that you really want to get your way on the matter at hand, you may have to suggest that you’ll let your significant other make the call next time. Either way, ensuring that neither of you always gets their way is a compromise that can pay off. It makes sure that you don’t look too self involved when it is your turn to get your way.

Solidify Your Argument

When you are determined to come out on top, make sure that you have a truly solid argument. A lawyer wouldn’t show up to court without having done their research, and you shouldn’t show up to a decision-making debate empty handed, either.

Let’s say you get a job offer that would require you both to move, and you know your partner likes where you currently live. You need to have a well-considered list of positives when the time comes to discuss the issue.

Moreover, your argument can’t just be about how the move would be good for you. You should be able to point out how it will benefit you, how it will benefit your mate, and how it will benefit you as a couple. Don’t gloss over things or fib about how great it will be, but do look for a way to sell your S.O. on it.

You might start by admitting that this new city will be more expensive than where you currently live, but that the raise you’ll be getting and all of the added amenities will make it worthwhile. Perhaps your partner loves hiking, and you know that this new city is near a big national park.

Not only will these positive revelations make your partner feel better about moving, but demonstrating how much research you’ve put into the decision shows them how much you care about it. If you can make them see how important it is to you, your S.O. will be more likely to let you have your way.

It’s also key that you make them feel included in the decision, even if the outcome does end up in your favor. Never make a big decision without consulting your partner, even if you suspect that it will take some effort to win them over.

Stay Calm And Don’t Be Critical

Ultimately, if you can remain calm and congenial while making a clear, solid argument, you’ll drastically increase your odds of getting your way. Promising to compromise on future issues or offering a trade off can help.

Most importantly, make sure that your significant other knows that you really do care about their opinion in the matter, and they are sure to show you the same respect.

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It won’t be an easy thing to do, and you may be tempted to chicken out. That’s when you have to remember that your significant other will be far angrier about your secret if they find out about it from someone other than you. What many people fail to understand is that the act of hiding something is often as bad (or worse!) than the very thing you’re hiding. Keep that in mind and you’ll realize that you have to move forward with talking about your secret, no matter how difficult it will seem.

How To Make It Less Painful

There are, however, ways to make your big revelation less painful. First and foremost, never tell a dark secret in the heat of the moment. The time to tell your girlfriend that you have herpes isn’t in the middle of a hot and heavy make-out session. You need to tell her well before it gets to that point, and you need to do it in a manner that befits the gravity of your news. Wait until you’re in private and let her know that you need to talk to her about something.

Then tell her the bad news and provide her with as much information as you possibly can. In the case of the STD revelation, be certain to fill her in on all the precautions you can take together, on any testing she might need to get (which you should offer to pay for), etc. She will likely be upset, but your diligence will show her that you will do everything you can to make the situation right. Be understanding if she’s freaked out and needs a breather.

Sooner Is Better Than Later

Getting the secret out sooner rather than later is generally a good bit of relationship advice. The longer it festers before you bring it to light, the angrier your girlfriend will be. Let’s say that your credit is less than desirable. Your boyfriend has proposed to you and you’re having a discussion about all the things you’ll need to do surrounding your impending marriage. Instead of waiting to talk about your poor credit score until after your wedding, bring it up now.

When he brings up the question of whether or not you should combine your finances, be honest about your debt. Tell him you want to work together with him to figure out the best solution possible. No one enjoys discussing financial problems with their significant other, but it’s an important talk to have. You could keep it a secret now, only to have it bite you in the rear later when you try to apply for a home loan together. When your spouse finds out you hid it from him for all that time, he’ll be far more upset with you.

Maintaining Control Over The Situation

Another reason that it’s important to tell your significant other your unpleasant secret as early as possible is that it gives you more control over how you break the news. It’s better to have a serious talk on a day when your lover is in a good mood than on one when they’re already upset about something else in their lives. If you have to come out with a secret at the last minute, you can’t control what kind of day your mate’s been having. You also might not have time to prepare appropriately before then.

That means that you won’t have any good news, like being able to list possible solutions, to talk about alongside the bad. Plus, the longer you put it off, the higher the chance that your lover will find out from someone else or through another channel, which just makes you look like a big, fat liar. Plan out how you’re going to do it and make sure you have as much control over the situation as possible. As a result, you’ll likely have an easier time with your discussion. Take this relationship advice and do anything you can to soften the blow for your significant other.

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What She Said:

1. Take her on romantic date nights.
2. Offer to help (and follow through on said offer) with cooking and cleaning.
3. Thoughtful gifts – diamonds are always good!
4. Remain faithful and make her feel like she’s “Number One.”
5. Share/communicate your feelings.

I can feel our male readership cringing from here. Don’t worry guys; it’s not as painful as it sounds! The above are guidelines – you’re still allowed to intrinsically be yourself. After all, that’s whom your girlfriend (or wife) fell for in the first place.

Treating Her With Love And Respect

What this list entails are actions to refer to as your relationship goes along. It means checking in, communicating and not taking your awesome mate for granted. It also means, as you continue to treat her well, that you can expect the same from her. Again, it’s not about a tit-for-tat exchange of favors – it’s about consistently treating each other with love and respect.

How To Make Sure She Stays In Love

What does marking her birthday with a thoughtful gift; planning date nights and washing the dishes get you? Unconditional love, foot rubs when you need them and a steady flow of sex with someone you adore. That doesn’t sound too bad! And remember, for every Valentine’s Day there’s a Steak & Blowjob Day just around the corner. (More on that soon!)

What He Said:

1. The 3 C’s (Chocolate, compliments and cunnilingus)
2. Regular massages (from you or someone else)
3. Consistency
4. Regular Romance
5. A housekeeper

The three c’s are pretty self-explanatory. Women tend to enjoy them and they really can’t seem to get enough of any of them. Individually they are great, put the three together in a single evening and she may worship the ground you walk on for life.

Help Her Relax

Massages are great too. It’s a tough world, especially for women and often the issue is in the tissue. You gotta get it out, the stress, tension, knots, etc have to go. You should always be giving them, but making sure she gets regular rub downs from trained professionals (who leave the happy endings to the two of you!)

Consistency is an overlooked component. A man does not choose a woman, a woman chooses the man. She chose you for a reason. Figure it out what it is and make sure that you deliver on a regular basis. When she says things like “I don’t know who you are any more” or “you’ve changed” it means “Hey! I chose that guy and now your some other dude. Where did he go? “ Don’t let that happen.

Keep The Romance Alive

Regular romance can mean anything, but spending doesn’t have to be a part of it. Thoughtful gifts that show you are paying attention are great. It shouldn’t be about money or flowers, or stuff. It needs to show her that you are listening and you care. The best gifts you can give her are the ones that she never explicitly asks for. She will tell you want she wants, if you listen, but if she has to say “I want x for Christmas” that’s not so good.

A housekeeper is like female Viagra. If your woman comes home to a freshly cleaned apartment that she didn’t clean, she will probably rape you on the spot. Because it shows that you listen that you care and that she’s important.

If you combine these five things into your relationship, you’ll be good. If you combine them into a single day (and do so on a regular basis) you will never worry about keeping her happy again.

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It’s hard to think that “opposites attract” would have become such a common saying if there weren’t some truth in it. What does it really mean, though? Can you be total opposites in every way and still make for a perfect love match? Or do some opposites work together better than others? If you find yourself attracted to someone who seems really different from you, how can you tell if it will be more than a passing fling?

What Is So Different?

The first thing to address is exactly what’s so different about you and your new love interest. Maybe you like different types of music or different movies and TV shows. Perhaps you love to read fictional novels and your new partner only reads nonfiction. Maybe he or she doesn’t enjoy reading at all. Some people would worry that, without common hobbies or interests, you will run out of things to talk about early on in your relationship.

That’s not necessarily true, however. Perhaps you’re both open-minded types who are generally curious. In that case, you might end up learning about a lot of new things through your partner, and vice versa. Your differences may end up being the very things that keep you the most interested in each other.

How Far Do Your Opposite Qualities Go?

What if your opposite qualities go beyond things like hobbies, though? What if your very personalities are what make you opposites? Sometimes that can be a good thing. If you’re a big talker and your partner is more of an observer and listener, you may find that you’re extremely well matched. If one of you is more of a control freak and the other likes to go with the flow, the Type B person may be perfectly fine with letting the Type A one make all the decisions.

In fact, that pairing would probably be far less disastrous than getting two bossy Type A folks together. Other opposite pairings probably wouldn’t fair as well. If you’re a neat freak and your new boyfriend or girlfriend is a slob, it’s highly likely you’ll be experiencing problems the minute you start living together. If you’re a goody two shoes dating a bad boy or girl, it may seem fun for now. As things get more serious further down the line, however, you may find that his or her unwillingness to shape up is incredibly unattractive.

Breaking It Down Logically

The best way to figure out if your opposite qualities can meld to form a happy relationship is to think about them logically. Try to imagine your new significant other’s traits in someone who you don’t find sexually attractive. Would you want to be that person’s friend, or would you dislike spending time with them? If the latter is true, then the only reason you’re really into Mister or Miss Opposite is that you find them physically attractive.

Aging happens, and they might not be so hot several years from now. You don’t want to stick with someone who you won’t enjoy talking to once their looks fade. If you do think that you’d still want to hang out with them, then your opposite traits and interests are working in your favor. People often wonder how a staunch Republican and a lifelong Democrat can fall in love, but it happens.

Whether they’re both impressed by their mutual passion for politics, or they both get a kick out of debating each other, there are certain kinds of people who can make their differences work for them. If you’re one of those people, you just might find that your perfect love match is your polar opposite.

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My hubby and I always wanted to have kids. We waited till we were financially “ready” and now that we’re “ready” I’ve decided I don’t want them anymore. How do I bring this up to him?

What She Said

Let me state the obvious – deciding whether or not to have children is one of the most colossal decisions you’ll ever make. Yep, that’s why they pay me the big bucks!

Wants And Needs Change Throughout Life

Let’s first examine why you’ve changed your mind. I want to applaud you for realizing this avenue may not be for you. Though we’re of a different generation, there’s still a lot of pressure for women in a marriage to have kids, whether it be from family or society. It takes courage to acknowledge that you may want to do something else.

Only you know why you’ve changed your mind – I can’t even begin to guess the myriad of reasons. Maybe your biological clock never turned on. Not every female is inherently mothering and that’s okay. Perhaps you want to travel or focus on your career, both of which are great options. I’m sure you’re getting pressure from your husband to give him an answer as to why you’ve changed your mind, so hopefully you’re clear in your reasons.

Recognizing Fear As A Factor

Let me speak on your husband’s behalf for a moment and ask you if fear is a factor. Rumor has it there never is quite the perfect time to have a baby. If you were putting off because you’re secretly afraid that it will change your relationship, but it’s something that you actually want to do, I’d encourage you to consider moving forward. Yes, it will change your life irrevocably – but if you and your husband are in a happy relationship and want to add a baby to the mix, embrace the change.

Once again, having children is a huge decision and an even bigger responsibility. Men have biological clocks as well and your husband’s may be going off. This is a tricky situation with no easy out. If having kids is something your husband really wants to experience, he deserves to have that. However, I wouldn’t advise having a baby just to make your husband happy. That’s not going to end well for anyone involved, most importantly the child!

Try To Compromise

Usually I can wrap these questions up in a tidier package. Today I say: keep talking and try to aim for some kind of compromise. Prepare yourself for the fact that you might have to let each other go if neither one of you can get what you want.

What He Said:

If you wait until you’re ready to have kids, you never will.

If you’re scared, you should be. It’s a big deal. It’s permanent and will change your relationship and your life. And it’s 24/7.So if you’re scared, it’s normal. And if that’s the case you may need to simply make peace with the fact that you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into, but that it will be okay, no matter what.

You Reserve The Right To Change Your Mind

It’s also possible that you’ve changed. Maybe you really don’t want kids anymore, for whatever reason. That’s something your husband needs to know. There’s no easy way to say it, so just drop the bomb and then begin to move forward. You need to realize that this may be a deal breaker for him and your husband will want to argue his point – you did tell him when you got married that you wanted kids and, now you don’t.

Or, it may be a non issue. Your husband may not want them anymore either or accept that you don’t and still want to be with you regardless. There’s only one way to find out.

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Whether you’re meeting your boyfriend/girlfriend’s parents for the first time, or going to your tenth holiday dinner at your in-laws’ place, interacting with your significant other’s family can be one of the most complex parts of your relationship. If you’re willing to be patient and make compromises, you’ll have an easier time with your new relatives-by-proxy.

Spending Time With In-Laws Can Be Stressful

There are two little words that can strike massive fear in the hearts of many men and women: in-laws. Spending time with your significant other’s family can be one of the most strange and stressful parts of your relationship. Unless your partner is a recent orphan, however, you’re not going to get out of family time. The best you can do is learn how to cope with them – while still being yourself and being confident.

If it’s the first time you’re meeting your significant other’s family members, there are a few ways to better prepare yourself. First of all, talk to your partner about his or her relatives – this is probably the best where your best relationship advice comes from because a little research about who these people really are can go a long way. You shouldn’t put up a front, but it is good to adjust yourself slightly to their expectations.

If they’re not big drinkers, don’t show up with a bottle of wine. If they traditionally dress up for dinner, trade in your jeans for a dress or slacks. Think of it like visiting a foreign country; you don’t want to look like a tourist, so you take a few tiny steps to fit in with the locals. This will also endear you to your mate, because he or she will be flattered that you care about impressing the parents.

Will You Fit In With Their Family?

What if, once you’ve met them, you find you don’t fit in at all? If you’re married, engaged, or moving in together, you won’t be able to avoid the in-laws forever. That means you need to strategize appropriately. Try to plan family gatherings that have set end times, so your visits won’t be painfully long. Look for the one or two things you do have in common and focus on them.

If you and your in-laws both love old movies, host a classic movie night at your place. They’ll feel welcomed and loved, and you won’t have to talk to them much during the movie. Have excuses at the ready to cut awkward drop-in visits short or omit awkward silences without being impolite. For instance, if your mother-in-law drops by on a Sunday afternoon and just won’t leave, tell her you hate to end your visit, but you have to run errands before dinner time.

Then plan for one of those aforementioned movie nights so she knows you’re not adverse to spending time with her. When it comes to the holidays, make sure that you and your partner set ground rules early on in your relationship. Every three years is a good rule—one year with your family, the next with your significant other’s family, and the third year to yourselves. That makes both sets of in-laws feel like they’re being treated fairly.

What To Do If It Gets Awkward

Of course, sometimes relations with your partner’s family go beyond awkward unpleasantness and become strained. Maybe you hate being around your spouse’s parents because they have strong political beliefs that oppose yours, or maybe the situation is worse.

If Aunt Jean is a bigot and insults you to your face because you’re not the same race as she is, then you don’t have to put up with that. You can and should cross her off the family game night invite list. If you find that you’re the lone Democrat in a sea of diehard Republicans, avoid the topic of politics like the plague. If it still gets brought up, you can either sit back and quietly observe or suggest a subject change.

In the end, in-laws are a fact of life in long term relationships. You don’t have to enjoy every moment of it, but you can improve upon your time with them. Above all, remember that these folks are your significant other’s family. Like them or not, your mate loves them. You owe it to her or him to make lemonade from these familial lemons. Besides, don’t forget—he or she has to deal with your family, too!

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I’m getting married to the most amazing man I’ve ever met. He’s perfect. We’ve never even had a fight…until…I told him I was keeping my “maiden” name. I’ve worked hard in my profession to build the brand name and I don’t want to change it. My fiancée is super insulted. He says I’ve I don’t say I do to his last name, we aren’t getting married. How can we fix this?

What She Said:

It sounds like a heated situation for such a happy occasion, complicated by the fact that you’re both “in the right.” He sounds like a traditional sort of guy who’s probably been operating off the assumption that you would naturally take his name after marriage.

Take A Look At His Perspective

Take a moment in his shoes to acknowledge that he’s probably in shock. In fact, he may even be taking your insistence on having your maiden name as some form of rejection towards him. He might also have concerns about naming your kids, if you’re both thinking of having children. (Though different last names in one household is a common occurrence these days.)

Reassure him that your love is as strong as ever, no matter what you are called. You two definitely need to find a way to step away from this ledge, otherwise known as the ultimatum he just gave you.

Your Right To Have Your Name

Now let’s take a look at you. You have every right to have your name – it’s definitely a different day and age; the taking of the husband’s name isn’t necessarily the norm it used to be. Building a name in your profession is a huge deal – and one that’s hopefully supported by your future husband. Honoring that accomplishment is every bit as important as your relationship. It’s a part of you, and that means it stays.

Getting Creative To Reach A Compromise

But how does it stay? It’s time to get creative. Perhaps you use your maiden name professionally, but take your husband’s name for your private life. Actors often prefer this option. Jennifer Aniston was Aniston on the screen and Pitt in “real” life – until Brad strolled off with a certain someone. Maybe not the greatest example, but you get my drift!

I’m not sure of the legalities, but it seems worth looking into. Flip that coin and take a look at Jack White (of The White Stripes). He took his first wife’s name – and kept it. He liked it so much that his second wife and their kids all use it too. Now that’s progressive! Of course, there is the lovely option of hyphenating. That can be a great compromise and a way for you to both get what you want.

I hope you can reach an agreement without losing sight of the most important thing – your love and your wonderful future together.

What He Said:

This is a big slap in the face to a lot of guys. I’m guessing you guys never talked about this prior to the argument, which is where a lot of the disagreement comes from. I know it’s not spontaneous to discuss marriage parameters before popping the question, but it’s better in the long run.

Next Time, Talk First

If you’d have had this discussion with him before hand, you wouldn’t be having this problem in the relationship now. If it’s that big of an issue for him, he could’ve made an informed choice. I still think this will blow over. He’s blown way too much $$ on you to back out now.

Do you know what those rings cost? Kidding. Sort of. It will probably blow over, with a little time & TLC. It would be hard to imagine that he loves you enough to spend the rest of his life with you but not enough to get past this. If you have any other bombs to drop before you get married, you probably want to discuss it with him first.

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What She Said

Parade nude (or while wearing lingerie) in front of the television, crook your finger and say, “Follow me to the bedroom!” That should do the trick. At least for one night.

Finding A Way To Work With Him

So what to do the other 364 evenings of the year? It sounds like a compromise is in the works. Your guy obviously loves being a gamer. You don’t want to take away something he enjoys, so you’ve got to find a way to make his “obsession” work for both of you. Please keep in mind that you’re not his mom – acting like a nag and trying to tell him what to do (or not do) definitely falls into the decidedly “not sexy” category.

What is “way too much time” in your book? Is his ducking out on keeping commitments? Is he missing work? Is he blowing off plans to continue playing his games? Such an extreme case could benefit from some kind of intervention. Hopefully his “way too much” isn’t as far gone as all this.

Communicating With Him

I don’t think “stopping” is in order. Would you want to quit something cold turkey that you enjoy? Probably not! Of course he cares about you and would surely go to great lengths to make you happy. As always, the key to solving this problem is communication.

Let him know that his constant playing is bumming you out. Work with him on setting parameters around when he can game. Let him know you don’t expect (nor will you be demanding) that he give up gaming entirely. Be reasonable. When he sees that you’re respecting his interests, he’ll most likely be willing to strike a truce. Trades can be nice too – say, for example, that every hour he spends with the video game equals a date night for the two of you. You get the drift and I’m confident you two will work it out.

What He Said:

He probably won’t stop playing them and you probably don’t want him to either. I mean, you’ve got to get tired of him at some point, right? Trust me, being able to sit him in front of the TV for hours on end while you get some peace and quiet probably will save your relationship at some point.

Talking To Him About His Gaming

Communication really is the best relationship advice. Tell him this is bothering you, but don’t stop there. If you tell a man not to do something and you don’t tell him what he should be doing instead and why he should be doing that new behavior, he will stare at you blankly. So tell him what he’s doing wrong and what you’d like him to do instead and his incentive for doing it (as in more sex).

You May Have To Move On

You shouldn’t nag him, but then you shouldn’t have to nag him at all. He should have the wherewithal to meet you somewhere in the middle on this. You guys are a team and this should be like a friendly negotiation, not some hardnosed “take it or leave it” type scenario. Give a little, to get a little. (That’s what she said!)

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What She Said

First off, I’m sorry to hear of your current situation. No one deserves to be treated like that. Secondly, why do you feel trapped? As far as we know, this is the one life we get. Do you really want to spend it with someone who’s abusing you?

I’m not trying to be flip. This is a serious situation. Admittedly, this is not my exact area of expertise. There are facilities that help women in domestic abuse situations, but I’m not sure if that extends to emotional abuse. Check resources in your community. Help might be closer than you think.

I know you say that you feel stuck. If you have children, or you’re financially dependent on your husband, it will take some planning to extricate yourself from the home. If you don’t have kids and you have some expendable income, you might want to examine what is tying you to the situation. Seeing a qualified counselor or therapist may help you gain the clarity to remove yourself from an unhappy home.

The Truth About Love And Marriage

Love and marriage are complicated. No one knows what goes into a couple’s dynamic. If you feel your connection with your husband has turned sour and no amount of help will bring the light back, consider letting go of the past. Take heart in your family and friends, or whatever support system brings you peace. Know that there is still much joy to be found. I’m not saying it won’t be scary or difficult – but no more difficult than staying with someone who doesn’t respect you.

What He Said

You’re not trapped. You do not live in a house without doors, or in a prison cell. If you want to get out, get the hell out and don’t look back period. Go off the grid. Just having a penis is practically a criminal offense these days so getting a restraining order should be no problem. If there’s no kids, just file for divorce and disappear. Yeah, it might be messy, but do what needs to be done and don’t look back.

Leave If You Want To Leave

If you want to leave, and there’s a good reason and it sounds like there is, then leave. Sure, you could try counseling or fixing the relationship in some way, but it sounds like it’s messed up beyond repair. So if that’s the case, what are you waiting for? Ripping off a band aid is never pleasant. You either rip it off fast and get the pain over with or you rip it of slowly and you make it worse.

This is going to hurt. It’s a big deal. There’s really no way around that. The best relationship advice is the sooner you can come to terms with that and rip the band aid off the sooner you’ll be on your way to your new life. You’ll have an adjustment period to be sure, but that’s another issue. Just rip the band aid off and get it over with already.

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What She Said

How do you make sure your man stays blissed out in this relationship?

• An active sex life – lots of it and make it hot!
• Get him a membership to a Beer of the Month Club – it worked for me!
• Be a good friend – be sure to have fun together in activities you both enjoy.
• Give him some freedom – enjoy the trust and don’t cling.
• Offer to skip Valentine’s Day – you’ll be a trendsetting heroine.

The best way to “make” someone else happy is by being confident and joyous in your own life. That shines through to everyone you meet and will also be very appealing to your mate. The bonus? Both your quality of life and your relationship will improve. A happy, confident woman doesn’t rely on someone else to take care of her – and that instantly relieves a lot of stress from a guy’s shoulders.

What Not To Do

Most men I know don’t like crying fits, pouting or being made to feel guilty. I’ve also heard a rumor that they’re not too hip on Valentine’s Day either. This doesn’t mean you can never be sad, be in a bad mood or will be forced to forgo flowers and chocolate. It means for every kind thing he does for you, from comforting you when you’re down to taking you out to dinner, is also deserving of a reciprocal action. It’s not a game of tit-for-tat – it’s a way to keep up a mutual appreciation and admiration within your duo.

Long-term relationships equal work and compromise – but that doesn’t mean it has to be a drag. Skip the drama, be honest and have fun. Treat him like your best friend – because hopefully that’s exactly what he is!

What He Said

• Be his own personal slut
• Regularly send him to the strip club (with a stack of $1 dollar bills!)
• Make him feel like a king
• Save the crazy for your girlfriends
• Be as fun to be around with your clothes on as you are when your clothes are off

I’m going to get a lot of flack for #1, but let me explain. This is one of those differences between men and women. When a woman hears another woman called a slut or whore, it’s an insult. When a guy hears a girl called a slut or whore it’s a compliment. He doesn’t want you to go out and bang the Pittsburgh Steelers, though. Men aren’t looking for a girl that is “a” whore, they are looking for a girl that is “their” whore. Big difference. If you have moves that make porn stars blush, your man won’t be watching any and he certainly won’t be looking elsewhere.

Making Him Feel Awesome

Sending him to the strip club may seem like it’s a good thing only for him, but really you’re the one that benefits. You look like the coolest chick on the planet (to your man and all his friends) and you have some other girl get him all hot and bothered. All you have to do is wait for him to come home and enjoy.

Making him feel like a king is huge, especially these days. Many hen pecking, man hating feminists have taken great pleasure in cutting the collective balls off of men everywhere. Every man wants to feel like the king of his castle. Make him feel that way. You’ll be glad you did.

Try Not To Be Crazy – Around Him At Least

Save the crazy for your girlfriends (and gay men). Men don’t want to know how neurotic women are. We kind of know already, but don’t remind us. It will send your man running faster than you can say Trophy Wife. Vent to your girlfriends and to your gays (if you don’t have any gays in your life, I really have to question why) and not to your man. You’ll both be glad you did.

The Key To It All

Men love sex, this is true. We also love low maintenance (whoever said men love a ‘challenge,’ ‘the chase’ or ‘the thrill of the hunt’ is out of their damn mind), so be easy about it. Don’t put any pressure or drama (at least any that can be avoided). Just be a super awesome chick that he always wants to hang out with (even when you’re not boning each other) and you will be worth your weight in gold in his eyes (not that you’re fat. You’re totally skinny).

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We’re all human beings whose emotions get the better of us on occasion, so it can be hard not to be hurtful at times. However, there are ways to participate in a fight with your mate and not cause long term harm to your relationship.

Thinking Things Through

First and foremost, know when to take a deep breath. In the heat of the moment it can be very easy to blunder ahead, saying lots of things you will later regret. If you can learn how to pause and think before speaking, you’re already a lot closer to saving face in a sour situation. Say you and your S.O. are fighting, and you’re about to accuse him or her of some sort of long term fault. Before you speak, take a breather and think about how to word things. This is quite possibly the best relationship advice there is – waiting until you’ve thought something through before you speak up.

Instead of saying “you always forget something when you go to the store,” shift the wording so it is less accusatory. Make it about how your feelings are hurt, not how your partner is a screw up. For example, try saying “When you forget to bring something back that I’ve asked for, I feel like I’m not being listened to, and that hurts my feelings.” Allow your partner to explain themselves fully without interrupting to interject your opinions.

The Art Of Compromise

Once they’ve said their piece, tell them you understand their viewpoint and suggest a compromise. In the case of our forgetful friend, suggesting that you make a list together before he/she runs errands would be a good solution. Also, be sure to praise any good things the offender did do, i.e. “Even though I’m upset that you forgot item X, I do appreciate the fact that you went to the store for me. I know you’re trying to help.” By recognizing the positive, you not only make the other person feel better, but you also remind yourself that they have lots of traits worth loving. That can take the edge off your own anger as well as theirs.

Focus On The Issue At Hand

Another key thing to avoid when arguing is dredging up lots of other problems. If you’re having a small argument like the one referenced above, that’s not the appropriate time to bring up larger issues. Saying “You always forget something when you go to the store, not unlike how you forgot my birthday two years in a row,” will only escalate your fight. Stick to the topic at hand, then address related problems at a later time when you’ve both calmed down.

Don’t Be Afraid To Take Time To Cool Off

Speaking of having time to cool off, never underestimate the power of calling a time out on your argument. Sometimes the only way to keep from having a total melt down is to honestly admit that you need some time to be by yourself and think before you keep talking. There’s no shame in telling your significant other that you need to take a break so you don’t say something you’ll both regret later.

If you follow this relationship advice the next time you and your boyfriend or girlfriend get into an argument, there could be a lot less drama as a result. It’s important that you always remember that arguments are bound to happen every once and awhile, but they’re not the end of the world and they most certainly don’t mean an inevitable break-up. If you and your significant other take a little effort to fight right, everything will work out in the long run.

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What She Said

Do you want him to be jealous? It sounds like you’re playing the flirt as a form of control and not as something that’s genuinely a part of your personality. If you were truly the flirty type, you would most likely do it in a fun and light way – a way that convinces your boyfriend there’s nothing to worry about instead of searching for a reaction from him.

Does He Have To Be Jealous?

It sounds like you’ve got a great guy – one who’s interested in letting you be yourself, as well as someone who is invested in keeping your relationship drama-free. It is possible for you to both chat (and even lightly flirt) with members of the opposite sex without either one of you getting jealous. While jealousy is a normal emotion, it’s not necessarily the healthiest option. It usually stems from fear. So, if your current BF doesn’t fear losing you, he’s not going to get jealous. Why would he?

Is What You’re Doing Really Healthy?

Perhaps you need to look away from his (lack of) motivation and take a closer look at yourself. Did you get a kick out of making men in your life “go nuts” by being a flirt? It sure sounds like it! But why were you so into yanking their proverbial chains emotionally? Would you like it if someone went out of his way to get cozy with another gal, all to make sure you were paying attention? It’s not a nice feeling – and it’s not a nice thing to try to make someone else feel. It sounds like you’ve been operating out of insecurity in past relationships.

It’s Time To Grow Up

Making those men go wild was a way of getting affirmation from them – but it was forced from your wily ways and not a genuine declaration. It sounds like it’s time to drop your guard. Flirting may have been a defense mechanism in the past – it kept you in control and your partners on their toes.

However, this new relationship isn’t adhering to your old tricks – and that’s not a bad thing. It sounds like you’ve found someone who can help you grow. I’m not saying you have to dump flirting from your repertoire, just make sure it’s for the right reasons. In the meantime, take a moment to appreciate your current boyfriend and take a break from all the game playing.

What He Said

If your man doesn’t have a problem with the fact that you’re an attention whore, should you really be complaining?

Kidding. Sort of. Not really, now that I think of it. You clearly get off on this pattern for whatever reason. Maybe you have intimacy issues, and this is your way of pushing guys away who get too close to you. Maybe you really, really need the attention, and in that case….well, you need Jesus. Or Oprah. Or Dr. Drew if they’re all busy.

Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationships?

Somehow you landed yourself a man who won’t let you sabotage things. I didn’t hear you complain about the quality of the relationship, so I’ll take a stab and say the relationship is great and that’s what freaks you out. You’re not used to it. Good problem to have I think. Learn to enjoy it or go back to the same craptastic dating pattern you were in before.

Your choice.

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You’re not alone. After dating someone for a long time, it’s easy to slip into a stable and comfortable routine. While this can be comforting, when it happens you often lose the spark that made your relationship so special in the first place. Does this mean you can’t ever get those special feelings back? Of course not. Here are five simple, fun and creative ways to reignite that magic.

Give Your Partner A Unique Gift

Name a star after your partner. A number of astronomical agencies allow individuals to name stars and you receive formal documentation identifying the star that you have named.

Or how about this: Give your partner a magic gift box, and every month place a new small gift in the box for your beloved to discover. Your partner will never know when there’s going to be something sweet and special for her to find!

Say “I Love You” In A Unique Way

Take a book that your partner is reading and, using a pencil, underline letters in a section of the book she has yet to read to spell out a secret message of “I love you” or an entire love letter. Doing it just like this. Or for something really unique: You can buy special plants that grow and after 14 days display a message of your choice on the leaf. Cool or what?!?

Start Going On Dates Again

One thing that separates couples with ‘out of this world’ relationships, is they never stop doing new, fun and exciting things with their partner. In other words, they never stop dating and neither should you.

Spend the day doing fun things: go to the carnival, the beach, have a water fight, stare at the clouds on a grassy hill, go on a picnic, walk in the rain without raincoats and umbrellas, dress up in funny costumes and hit the town.

Or how about this: Pick your partner up for a date and blindfold her before driving to a special destination. Try to make the destination something really unexpected like a table set up at the top of a cliff or a dinner on a boat or old-fashioned ship. It needs to be something that will have an impact when she removes the blindfold.

Believe me when I say that NOTHING can rekindle the love, passion and excitement in your relationship more than going on fun and creative dates together.

Have Sex Like The First Time

What was so great about the first time you and your partner had sex? What makes first time sex amazing is that everything is new and there’s no rush in discovering it. Everything is unexpected and surprising. Create that feeling again with your partner by focusing a lot more on foreplay and kissing.

After you’ve reached “home base” and have already had sex with your lover, that’s usually where you’re headed when you start getting intimate. However, when you and your partner first got together, there was no rush to get past giving your partner oral sex or receiving a blowjob in return because simply, that’s as far as you had gotten and you weren’t thinking about what was coming next.

Focusing a lot more on kissing and making out with your lover (as well as spending a lot more time on foreplay) will make her feel like you’re having sex for the first time again. Don’t assume that just because you’ve gotten to 4th base before that you will again. Treat each sensation as though it were all new all over again. Your lover will pick up on your attitude pretty quick!

Kiss Her Like You Don’t Have Anything Else On Your Mind

Sometimes kissing doesn’t have to lead to sex – in fact, kissing your partner should not lead to sex much more often than it does! If you’re holding out on kissing your lover until you’re ready to get it on, you may be robbing your relationship of the romance.

Kiss your partner just to kiss her – before she goes to work, when she gets home and before you go to bed. Make each kiss special and make her feel as though you have nothing more on your mind in that moment than how great it is to kiss her.

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That’s why it’s really important to start preparing yourself for the big changes you’ll be encountering long before your baby is actually born.

Preventing Unwanted Pregnancy

It may seem like an obvious tip, but if you really want to start out on the right foot, take the steps to make sure you or your partner doesn’t get pregnant on accident. Even though many surprise pregnancies turn out to be happy accidents, the shock of the surprise can add extra stress. Always practice safe sex if you’re not ready for a baby yet.

That’s particularly true if one of you is less prepared for parenthood than the other, or if your relationship isn’t very serious yet. Just watch one episode of Sixteen and Pregnant, and you’ll understand why it’s better to have a child that you’ve planned for with someone you truly love. Whether your pregnancy is planned or not, once you find out about it, you need to have a talk with your partner.

Allow yourselves to experience all the emotions of the moment—excitement, happiness, nervousness, etc. Openly discuss your hopes and fears and promise to be there for each other when either of you needs to talk about your impending parenthood.

Splitting Up The Parenting Duties

Before the baby arrives, be sure to discuss how you’re going to split up the childcare duties. There are so many things to deal with, from diaper changes and feedings to playtime and going for walks. If you try to balance your roles, neither of you will have the chance to feel resentful toward the other one for not pulling their weight. Of course, once the baby actually arrives, it may be hard to stick to your exact plans, but just having a rough idea of what to do will help you both.

It’s also really important that you savor the last few months before your baby is born. Take advantage of any time you have to be together in a one-on-one setting. Any romantic or passionate moments that you can enjoy now should be taken advantage of, because once the baby shows up, you’ll both be way too busy. Sex will be nonexistent for awhile, not only because a woman has to wait for a bit after giving birth, but also because you’ll both likely be too overwhelmed and exhausted to consider it.

Once you’re both feeling better and have found your baby-care rhythm, however, you should try to work some sex back in. Don’t pressure each other, but do realize that you’ll both be happier for it. You need to keep your physical connection going.

Don’t Forget To Appreciate Your Partner

You may both feel consumed by childcare, so you have to make an effort to appreciate each other. If your partner is particularly helpful with something, thank him or her. Take the time to acknowledge what a good job they’re doing with the baby. If one of you goes back to work before the other one, be empathetic to any jealousy that may bubble up.

Try to take turns watching the little one so you both get some time away from the house. Recognize the fact that you’ll both be getting way less sleep than normal, so if one of you gets snappish, the other one should try not to take it too personally. Above all, remember that your baby will be older and less dependent before you know it.

The toughest parts of caring for an infant won’t last forever, and you will eventually be able to sleep through the night, have sex, and even go on the occasional date night again. Keep a sense of humor, be kind to each other, and look forward to how much fun you’ll have when your little one gets older. Hang in there and support each other, and you may find you’re more in love than ever before.

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What She Said:

In a nutshell, be supportive of your boyfriend without saying a disparaging word about his mother. It’s similar to that slippery slope of slagging on a friend’s bad boyfriend. If they break up, she might try to place the blame on you for being vocal about his behavior. If they stay together, you’re the jerk that talked s*@t about her man. It’s not fair, but this one has never been a win/win situation.

Stand Up For Your Man

The trick here is to let your boyfriend know that you’re on his side. Let him vent, if he so chooses. You want him to know that he can trust you and that you’re there to help as much as you can. On the flip side, the unhealthy dynamic is between the two of them so, whatever you do, don’t get in the middle.

A trained therapist or mediator might be able to fix things; you will not. Plus, you could risk putting your relationship in jeopardy – especially if this is someone you’d consider getting married. You don’t want to walk down the aisle hauling a bunch of baggage with your potential mother-in-law before you’ve even cut the cake.

Where To Draw The Line

Do what you can to help point out healthy boundaries to your beau. He can still talk to his mom without accepting the guilt trips. He should also learn the importance of separating his mood from his interactions with mom. He can’t control his mother, but he can control how he reacts to her.

It sounds like your boyfriend would benefit from individual counseling in order to gain some additional coping skills. These two have been emotionally intertwined for a while and he might need someone detached from the situation to help him sort it out.

The bond between the two of you should be a source of strength for him. Let him know that you love him and gently point out that you’re his partner – you’re one of the bright spots in his life, not the dumping ground for ancillary stress.

What He Said:

That poor, poor bastard. He’s caught in between the two most important women in his life, and his world is being yanked in different directions. He’s probably stressed because he feels screwed no matter what he does. Not the kind of three way most men look forward to.

Is His Mom To Blame?

She may not like you, but probably it’s not about you, it’s about her and cutting the cord. It’s long over due, but she can’t pull the trigger. He’s not a baby anymore and he doesn’t really need her like he did when he was five. The baby bird has flown the nest and that’s really hard for her. She’s aware, but she’s been hellbent on preventing this moment for years, probably.

Then you show up. IF you and your man are committed, you will be in his life for a long time, and more importantly, you’ve bumped her down the totem pole. You are the most important woman in his life now and that’s not so hot with her. And she’s pissed.

Your Man Is Going To Have To Man Up

Basically your man is going to have to man up and lay down the law with her. He probably already knows this and he knows she’s not going to take it well. It will be nasty and painful, but hopefully she’ll get over it and return to normal soon.

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Question: What do you in a controlling relationship? My girlfriend told me I had to change to fit her after over a month in a relationship. It’s like she wants me to get my pretty boy swagg on or its over!

–YouTube Viewer

You May Have Acted Or Dressed Differently When You Started Dating

When people begin dating someone, they tend to want to make a good first impression. You may have worn nicer clothes, styled your hair, put on cologne or even acted a little differently when you first started dating your girlfriend, but now that the relationship has progressed, you have relaxed a little bit in how you put yourself together.

This is a natural development in relationships as two people get more comfortable with each other, but the caveat here is that your partner may have been more attracted to the person she met when you two began dating. This may become an issue in your relationship, because your girlfriend may feel like you’re not who you said you were. You can either step up and be that person, or you can move on and connect with someone else by showing her the real you.

She May Have Been More Forgiving Of You In The Beginning

Another thing that people do when they first start dating each other is they tend to be a little more forgiving of their partners’ faults and the things they do that are annoying or frustrating. You may be dressing and acting the same as you were in the beginning of the relationship, but your girlfriend may have held her tongue about what she didn’t like about you, or she may not have noticed at all.

As she became more comfortable with you, she felt more comfortable telling you about the things you do that annoy her or bother her, such as the way you dress or put yourself together. Unfortunately though, unless you’re okay with hearing all about your faults all the time, you might be headed for a break up.

She May Have Thought Of You As A “Fixer Upper”

Women love to “fix” their men. It’s a fact of life. Your girlfriend may have started dating you with the idea that she would “fix” what she didn’t like about you to make you fit her idea of a “good boyfriend.” While this is something that many women do, it can definitely lead to relationship problems. It’s definitely not fair to you for your partner to go into the relationship thinking she can “fix you up” into someone she feels is appropriate for her lifestyle. Not cool!

You Deserve To Be Loved For Who You Are

No matter who you are, what you look like or how you act or dress, you deserved to be loved for who you are – quirks, faults and all. Don’t think that because a woman wants to control or change you that you have to go along with it. If you are comfortable and happy being who you are, find someone who will love that person as much as you love yourself.

That said, if your significant other is pointing out faults and flaws that need to be changed for you to be a better person – such as dealing with intense anger issues or drug or alcohol abuse – you may want to listen to what she has to say. Ultimately though, it’s your decision to change and better yourself and that can only happen when and if you’re ready.

Be Honest With Her

Whether you want to try to work the relationship out or simply want to move on, be honest with your partner about how you feel and why you feel the way you do. Be careful not to be critical of her, but let her know how much it hurts you to feel like she’s trying to turn you into someone you’re not.

Let your significant other know that you’re not going to change who you are for them and they need to accept you “as is” with all of your faults and quirks – because they have faults too! No one is perfect! If they’re not on board, it’s time to move on to someone who will love and accept you with no questions asked.

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Starting Long Distance Relationships

If you’re thinking about starting this kind of partnership with someone, there are a lot of factors to consider. First of all, think back to your previous romances. Are you the kind of person who needs to spend a lot of face time with your significant other? If you know that you prefer hang time to phone time, you’re going to have a really tough go with a partnership like that.

You also need to think about whether or not you’re the jealous type. People who get jealous easily in partnerships often have a difficult time with far away love. When you aren’t there to meet your boyfriend or girlfriend’s friends and colleagues in person, it can be easy to imagine them flirting with others and possibly cheating on you.

That state of not-knowing can make a jealous individual start obsessing over all sorts of bad things in long distance relationships. It’s particularly important to have a strong sense of trust so when the trust unravels, things rapidly fall apart. Ultimately, you need to be someone who is fairly independent and can handle an element of the unknown in your partnership.

How You Can Make It Work

Should you find that you can do without a lot of face-to-face time, you can start thinking about how you’ll make it work. You will need to plan times to talk to each other on the phone and online. This includes both regular talking and intimate talking such as phone sex. It’s important to consider time zone differences and come up with a time of day that you’ll both typically be available during to talk. If you both get webcams, you can use internet video chatting services, that way you at least get to see each other every day, if not in person.

Of course, video chatting won’t make up for a lack of legitimate physical contact. You’re going to want to devote a portion of both of your incomes to a travel budget. As often as you can, go visit each other. Depending on the distance you live apart, you may be able to see each other every single weekend, or it might only be once every couple of months. Either way, make sure to set up a schedule where you trade off doing the traveling. Definitely make sure that you find a way to spend important holidays and milestones together, as well.

Do You Want An Open Relationship?

Some people elect to make their long distance relationships open relationships. That means that each party in the partnership is allowed to date other people, as long as they give their partner a heads up. Depending on how serious your relationship is, this could be an okay idea. However, this can often end up messily.

Sometimes one person is doing all the dating and the other one starts to feel upset about it. Just make sure that you’re both on the same page about the seriousness of your romance before you consider making it an open one. Never feel like you have to agree to open long distance relationships if you’re uncomfortable with your S.O. dating other people.

Regardless of it being open or closed, just know that you have to be able to trust your partner when you’re far apart. Make an effort to bridge the distance gap with regular communication and visits, and things will work out okay. Who knows? If all goes well, one of you may even end up moving to be with the other.

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Communication – The 1st Step

The best way to reach successful agreements is to discuss open issues during calm moments. In the heat of an argument, you and your partner are likely more focused on your anger than reaching a solution with love. That means you should try to talk about your shared conundrums during happier times, like over a nice dinner or on a relaxed Saturday afternoon. Once you’ve established exactly what your issue is, try for a collective brainstorm.

For example, let’s say your mate was offered a job in another city which would force you to move and give up your job. Sit down together with the following ground rules in mind: you will each state your case, without interruption from the other party, and then you’ll both suggest possible solutions. Thus, your S.O. will explain why he/she thinks the move is a good idea, and then you will explain why you’d like to stay. This isn’t a situation where both of you will be able to get what you want, so you have to weigh all of the evidence at hand as you work to come up with partial solutions.

Perhaps you’ve been at your company long enough to request that they let you work from home if you have to move away. Maybe you make more money, so it makes financial sense to stay for your job, but you’ll help your partner keep hunting for something nearby. You may even have to decide that your S.O. can have their way, but you’ll get to have your way on the next big decision. As long as you both make an effort to meet each other part way, less relationship problems will come of it.

Learning To Make Tradeoffs

For smaller issues there are often tradeoffs to be made. You’ll clean the bathroom every week if your boyfriend or girlfriend will regularly vacuum the apartment. If he or she does the grocery shopping, you will do the cooking. Small, everyday compromises like these make both you and your partner feel equally important. It may seem silly, but splitting the chores or trading off which person’s friends you hang out with can make your relationship much healthier than most. Knowing that both of your opinions are heard makes each of you feel more valued and loved.

Avoiding the one-sidedness that preys on many relationships can go a long way toward the prevention of arguments and unhappiness. The best thing about a compromise is that everyone feels better in the end, even if they didn’t get exactly what they wanted. When there are clear winners and losers, relationships can suffer. That’s especially true if the same person regularly ends up on the losing end of the equation.

You have to make sure that you’re taking turns coming out ahead, or resentment starts to boil. Romantic relationships are ultimately partnerships, and that means you need to work together to seek the best possible outcomes. Things won’t work out perfectly every time, but making that effort together strengthens your bond. Ask any married couple out there, and you’ll find that compromises played a huge part in their romance success.

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Figuring Out What Is Worth Bringing Up

Most annoying habits are small, so there are two fairly simple ways to deal with them. You can either decide that there are so many other great things about your S.O. that you can ignore one or two tiny annoyances, or discuss the issue calmly together. Oftentimes it can be good to combine both methods. Attempt to fix the problem, and if your mate just can’t break the habit, let it be. For instance, if your boyfriend leaves his towel on the floor instead of hanging it up when he’s done with it, find a neutral time to discuss it with him.

Don’t approach him right when he’s committed the act, or you might say something harsh in your moment of anger. Wait until later and casually mention that you couldn’t help noticing his towel on the floor. Tell him you know it may sound silly, but it would mean a lot to you if he’d hang the towel up the next time he uses it. If he doesn’t follow through, wait a few days and try again. If things don’t work after a couple of tries, accept that the trait isn’t going away. Then you can either elect to ignore it, or just accept that you’ll be hanging his towel up from now on. If that makes you angry, try to remind yourself that you probably have one or two bad habits yourself. That will ground you a little.

HOW To Talk To Your Partner About Their Annoying Habits

One of the most important things to avoid is accusing your partner of embarrassing you or being unworthy. Even if your girlfriend is the world’s most annoying gum smacker, you need to be tactful when you talk to her about it. You’re setting up an argument if you ask her to stop her trashy gum chewing in public. That just makes her defensive. Instead, try suggesting that her annoying trait might be making people think she’s less classy than she is in reality. Point out that you know she’s generally refined and fun to be around, and that she might want to reconsider her habit’s ability to give people the wrong impression. By working in compliments and pointing out what you love about your significant other, you’re effectively buttering them up to get better results.

What About Your Bad Habits?

If you really want to get results, you should be prepared to do some work yourself. Strike a bargain with your mate and agree to kick one of your bad habits if they’ll stop theirs. Pick a habit of yours that you know really bothers them, or ask for their input. When they suggest a habit for you to break, be ready to suck it up and accept the challenge. If you promise to stop cutting your toenails on the couch as long your S.O. stops popping their knuckles regularly, you’ll both appreciate it. It also helps remind you that nobody’s perfect; ending bad habits can be difficult. You’ll have more empathy for each other during the whole process.

Nobody’s perfect, of course. You’ll never be able to eliminate all of your partner’s bad habits, nor they yours. The main thing is to remember that you both love each other, and that your good qualities outweigh the bad ones. Keep a cool head, try for little changes, and don’t have ridiculous expectations. Patience and acceptance will win out in the end.

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Having Romance Takes Effort

You might not have the time to spend on your long term relationships that you once did, or perhaps you’ve just grown complacent as the years have passed on. That doesn’t mean you should just throw in the towel. Instead, make the best of what time you’ve got. It might sound cliché, but establishing a date night once every few weeks can be a big help. Once you’ve got a date and time picked out, come up with a really fun date idea. Think back to your favorite dates when you were first together. Did you have a particularly great time that night you went bowling? Was there a restaurant you used to love going to that you stopped visiting once you had kids? Recreating an old date not only shows your sweetie how thoughtful you are, but it can also put some spring back into your step. You’ll remember all of the best parts of your early days, and that will put both of you in a great mood.

Other Ways To Keep The Love Alive

Planning the occasional date isn’t the only way to help your love stay alive. Regular physical affection is important, too. Never underestimate the power of impromptu hand-holding, hugging and kissing. It may be a small gesture to momentarily rub your partner’s shoulders after they’ve had a rough day, but it shows you care. Human beings need physical contact with other human beings, and making that connection will make both of you feel happier. Plus, you never know when a shoulder massage or particularly good kiss will lead to more. Sex is a very important part of long term relationships or marriage. If you feel that you and your significant other have had less and less of it lately, take action. Even if you’re feeling a little tired, attempt to go for it anyway. Usually once things get rolling, you’ll find you’re not so tired anymore. The more often you do it, the more often you’ll want it, and vice versa. Therefore the best way to have more sex is to stop fretting about not having it, and just start doing it again. Talk to you partner, too. Mention that you’d like to start spicing things up again, but do so in a non-accusatory way. Nine times out of ten, they’ll be glad you brought it up.

Loving Gestures

Aside from showing physical affection and working dates back into your routine, there are other ways to make sure your long term relationships stay interesting. Small but thoughtful gestures show your significant other that you’re thinking of them. Bring home flowers or a bottle of good wine for no particular reason other than to show you care. If your sweetheart’s had a bad day, offer to engage in one of their favorite activities together. If that means watching their favorite terrible movie, just go with it. Demonstrating your support and love is worth two hours of viewing a bad film. That can be all it takes to remind your S.O. of why they fell for you in the first place.

Ultimately, if you’re willing to put in a little time and effort now and again, you can make things interesting for years to come in your long term relationships. Do your best to remind yourself of everything you love about your partner, then use your actions to remind them of why they love you. That’s the best way to light up the fires at the home.

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What She Said:

Caring about your partner’s health is a natural reaction to being in love. You want that person around, so it’s normal to notice good and bad habits. That said no one likes a nag. The last thing you want to remind of is his mother!

Lead By Example

The best way to teach is to lead by example. Take care of your own health and perhaps your partner will notice and decide to follow along. Adding milk thistle and green tea to your daily diet are both great for your body, your liver in particular. Brewing a cup or two of tea every afternoon and offering some to your honey is a good way to start. No need to be sneaky, simply see if he wants to partake.

If there is concern, particularly if he has a family history of alcoholism, an honest talk with your boyfriend might be in order. Skip the blame or guilt. Let him know you’re concerned because you love him and want him around for a long time. Hopefully an honest conversation will cause him to reconsider the harm that consistent use of alcohol may be causing him.

Using All Natural Remedies For Excessive Alcohol Use

Please note: I’m not a doctor. This is my personal opinion, culled from online research. I’d recommend reading Dr. Andrew Weil’s website (www.drweil.com) for information on the use of milk thistle, as well as consulting your physician for additional details.

What He Said:

I guess the key here is to define “a couple of beers.” In college, if I said I drank “a couple of beers” a night, it would’ve really meant like a case and a half, whereas now, if I told you I drank a couple of beers a night, I would mean no more than three. If he’s drinking a moderate among, then it’s far from a health risk.

You Might Have Deeper Issues Than The Drinking

I’m not a doctor, but then again, technically, neither is Dr. Phil and he gives relationship advice all the time. I’d say if this is the worst thing you can say about your man, you’ve probably got it pretty good. Still, if you tell him it’s a problem for you and then he ignores you, then you have a problem and it’s not the alcohol. It’s the fact that he’s not listening to you. Relationships are about compromise and if you are a wonderful woman who’s doing all sorts of amazing things for him and he won’t give this up for you, then maybe you should sit down with a therapist and decide together how to approach the issue.

Maybe he feels like you’re trying to control or mother him. Maybe he sees this as a threat to his independence. Maybe there are other issues in your relationship. I don’t know. But I do know if you two are fighting over this, it’s probably a larger symptom of something and that is an issue you should check out.

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What Does Being Emotionally Available Mean?

Being emotionally available to your partner in a marriage is a very essential component to making the relationship work. Guys, you have to be at least willing to share a little bit of emotion with your partner. You need to be able to respond to your partner’s emotional needs and meet them without trying to “fix” them. Instead of trying to “fix” a sad partner, try to share a little bit with them and listen to them express why they’re sad and what made them upset. Most of the time, listening to your partner express what they’ve got going on and what they’re feeling will help them to get it out and get over it. Guys, most women can’t stand trying to be “fixed” or being told that they shouldn’t feel a certain way because it’s not logical. Women are going to feel whatever they feel whenever they feel it! Listen to her and allow her to express her feelings without being critical and without trying to offer a solution. She just needs you to hear her out.

For The Ladies: It’s Not His Fault

Ladies, you need to realize that men weren’t born and raised in an emotional environment like women were. Men were taught to hide their emotions – if they were sad, they didn’t talk about it. Dads didn’t teach their little boys how to talk about their feelings. Instead, they were taught how to hunt, fish, bowl, etc. to deal with their emotions. Men usually have two emotions that they express freely – happiness and anger. Any other emotions that crop up get pushed deep down or get dealt with by his retreating to whatever activity helps him to relieve stress and not talking about it. This can frustrate women to no end, but it’s not his fault! It’s just how men have been programmed to deal with what is going on in their lives and how they feel about certain things. They don’t know how to be emotionally available or how to talk about what they’re feeling. They literally don’t know the language. They don’t know what words to use to express how they’re feeling inside, so they usually just put it away.

For The Ladies: Help Him Learn The Language Of Emotion

It’s up to the ladies to help their male partners to learn the language of emotion. Guys, you have to be open to it though, or her efforts are going to fall on deaf ears.Emotions are a many layered thing, and it’s possible to feel many different things at once. This is usually what overwhelms a man and causes them to retreat – they’re not sure how to deal with that many different emotions at one time, or even one really strong emotion. Offer to listen to your partner and encourage him to talk about how he feels if something comes up that makes him upset or sad. Did he get frustrated at work? Why? How did what happened make him feel? You can offer up how you felt in similar situations without being critical so he can begin to understand how different situations can make people feel many different emotions. Don’t criticize him if he can’t think of how to express what he’s going through – instead, gently prompt him on the words to use to illustrate what he’s feeling inside. Guys, try not to shut your partners out when you’re feeling upset, sad, frustrated, angry or all of the above. Instead, allow them to be there for you. Allow them to listen to you and be there for you. She just needs to hear you out. This will make a huge difference in your relationship, whether you’re just in a long term relationship or you’re married.

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Questions To Ask Before Asking Your Partner To Move In

If you are thinking about asking your S.O. to move in, what questions should you be asking yourself? First and foremost, do you really love this person? If you’re not at the point in your relationship where you can say, “I love you,” you’re not ready to live together. That doesn’t mean that you need to wait a year before you call the moving company. It just means that you need to know that you have strong feelings for each other. Secondly, you need to consider your compatibility with them. Imagine that they’re a stranger. What criteria would you want in a roommate that wasn’t your significant other? If your S.O. wouldn’t live up to any of them, you may need to question the logic of living together. If you wouldn’t reside with a roommate who was sloppy and made erratic rent payments, just being able to sleep with your S.O. probably won’t smooth over those problems.

Thinking About Situations That May Come Up When Living Together

Yet another major point to consider is how you’d handle bad situations together as cohabiters. The economy is rough out there. If one of you loses your job, will the other person be able to shoulder the rent for two for a while? That can be a high pressure situation, but if you love someone you’ll make it work. If you feel that you would, you’re probably ready to live together. If you disagree about levels of cleanliness or the balance of chore handling, will that ruin your relationship? If you think you’d be able to compromise and work around it, you’re golden. If you think you’d blow a gasket, then you probably shouldn’t sign the lease just yet. If any of the pressures of living together would likely ruin the relationship that you two have going, hold off for the time being.

What Happens If You Break Up?

The final point to consider is a biggie. If you eventually break up, are you prepared to deal with how much harder living together will make it? If you care about your significant other so much that you’d rather risk a more complex future breakup than live alone without them, then you’re ready to go. However, if the thought of divvying up your books and furniture in the future makes you cringe, think twice. That means that you better know that you intend on marrying or staying with this person forever before you move in with them.

Living together can be a really wonderful thing, or it can turn out to be surprisingly bad. That’s why it is important to treat it with an appropriate level of gravitas. If you wouldn’t rush into marrying someone, you shouldn’t rush into signing a lease with them. Just because it isn’t the ultimate form of commitment, doesn’t mean it’s not a big form of it. Keep that in mind, and ponder the aforementioned points before you make your decision. Taking a moment to clearly think things through will pay off in the end.

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How Being In An Interracial Relationship Can Affect You

You will most likely meet with varying levels of judgment over the course of your relationship. You may get stares on the street, or overhear disapproving remarks from random passersby. Terrible as that is, the passing of time will increase your ability to ignore the ignorance of these strangers. If you find that friends, family or co-workers feel the need to show you their inner racist side, that’s a whole other story. When facing bigotry from familiar sources, you must first and foremost remind yourself that you are both happily in love and a good person. Hard as it may be, this is your chance to be the bigger man or woman. Don’t go into hysterics or make a scene when your great uncle makes a crack. Take a deep breath, look him in the eye and calmly say, “Uncle, that may be your opinion, but it doesn’t make it right. I don’t want to hear talk like that about someone I love.” If this unsavory individual’s behavior continues, politely announce that you don’t want to be around someone who feels the need to spew hate speech. Then leave the event. Inform other friends and family that you don’t desire to be around this individual again unless they can control themselves. Remain calm, don’t stoop to name-calling, and provide a unified front with your significant other. It may be difficult, but it will get results.

Problems That May Come Up Within The Relationship

Cultural differences can also cause some problems. Religion can become an issue, particularly when you start to think about marriage or kids. You need to address this issue early on, and then again once you decide things are becoming truly serious. It’s important to establish whether or not one of you values religion more than the other, whether there’s an expectation that you convert or raise your possible children within a certain religion, etc. This is the sort of thing that could prove to be a deal breaker for many couples, so don’t wait until it’s too late to talk about it. It’s also important to learn about your partner’s cultural background in general. Showing your knowledge of common customs in their culture can impress your mate’s family. It also shows your partner that their background is important to you.

How To Keep Your Relationship Strong

The best thing that you can do for your relationship is be open with each other. Whether that means discussing how to handle a problematic relative or talking about what parts of your heritage are most important to you, you’ll be glad that your partner knows where you stand. There may be times when you or your significant other feel that you can’t understand each other because of a cultural difference. In moments like these, the openness you’ve established can save your relationship from falling apart. If you can feel comfortable saying that you don’t understand this particular aspect of your partner’s personal beliefs, but would love to have it explained to you, the situation may soon be resolved. Likewise, your partner needs to be understanding when you can’t relate to something due to your own background. Be honest, be supportive, and be open to the new learning experiences that your differences will provide. If you can do all of that, you will be able to get through the specific trials and tribulations of interracial romance and come out the better for it.

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Assess The Issues You Have With Your Partner

Before you can get a handle on your complaints, you need to take a moment to assess them. Do you have one or two big problems with your significant other, several small problems, or a combination therein? If the source of your complaint is something major—say, your boyfriend is cheating on you yet again—then you should probably just end things. There is no point in putting up with a problem of that magnitude, especially if it’s a repeat offense that you’ve previously addressed. If you’ve got smaller things you’re complaining about, however, then you need to decide whether those small problems outweigh the good aspects of your relationship. You also need to determine whether or not your expectations for your partner are unrealistic. Then you should discuss all of your feelings with your S.O., not your friends and family.

What Are The Pros And Cons Of Your Relationship?

How best to go about this process? If you’ve decided this isn’t an obviously a problem worthy of a break up, you have to start weighing the pros and cons of your relationship. Sure it may annoy you that your girlfriend baby talks to your cat, but if you dump her over it, you would also lose all of the support she gives you when you’re having a bad day. When you look at it that way, her cooing and calling your kitten her little fuzzy-wuzzy-face may not seem so bad after all. Secondly, you need to have a reality check with yourself, because odds are that you have at least one habit that annoys her. She’s probably not so keen on you leaving your dirty socks all over the apartment, but she overlooks it because there are lots of other things she loves about you. You should take a page from her playbook and stop whining about this rather negligible issue. Then wait for a moment when you’re both in good moods and mention the problem to your mate. Bring it up in a non-accusatory way, for instance: “I’m so glad that you love my cat, but my aunt baby-talked to me well into my teen years and it carries a bad association for me. Do you think you could try to cut back a little, please?” Making it about your own issue, and not about the other person’s, always helps. If you discuss the cause of your complaints with your S.O. in a non-heated moment, you’ll likely see him or her make an effort to modify their behavior. At the very least, you’ll feel better for being proactive about addressing the problem.

Should You Just Break Up?

Oftentimes the assess-and-discuss method above will help alleviate your issues much more than complaining about it to uninvolved parties. If it doesn’t, perhaps you need to question what’s really causing your complaints. Maybe you’re really just looking for an excuse to break up with someone who no longer holds interest for you. If that’s the case, just end it. There’s no point in dragging out a bad relationship—you’re just making you, your partner, and all the people you’ve been whining to miserable. No matter what your situation, you should also give serious thought to who you complain to about your relationship problems. You put your friends and family members in an awkward position when you constantly gripe about the person you supposedly love—especially if those friends and relatives like or have befriended your S.O. You also risk them telling your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse that you’ve been regularly complaining about them, which could be disastrous. Better that your mate hears it from you than through the grapevine. Regardless of the outcome, you need to take steps to cope with or eliminate the source of your complaints—otherwise your relationship will never be a healthy one.

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How To Tell Which Of Your Baggage Needs To Go

What, then, is baggage worth getting rid of? Anything that gets in the way of your ability to trust your current partner is definitely a problem. If you find yourself constantly doubting your significant other’s honesty just because you had a previous bad experience, you’re only hurting your relationship and yourself. That’s not to say that you should venture forth blindly into a new relationship. However, if you’ve been with someone for several weeks, and they’ve done nothing to warrant your suspicion, then you need to allow yourself to further trust them. People are not all the same, and getting into that mindset is a dangerous thing when it comes to relationships. Trust and communication are truly key to a relationship’s success, so any baggage that’s hindering you in those departments needs to be dealt with, pronto. Besides, you’ll enjoy every moment of your relationship so much more if you’re not constantly trying to catch your mate in a lie.

How Low-Self Esteem Will Destroy Your Relationship

Another type of baggage that can be extremely detrimental is the type that leads to low self-esteem. It may sound like corny self-help-speak, but you really can’t love someone else until you learn to love yourself. Maybe when you were younger, you had a major crush on a classmate who wouldn’t give you the time of day because you were too tall/short/skinny/fat/smart/ditzy/etc. Odds are that the object of your heartbreak was probably oblivious in general, or perhaps just really mean, and you were never as ugly or awkward as you were made to feel. Odds are also good that you’re a pretty different person now than you were then. Maturity has many benefits. If you continue to go through life doubting your appeal to others because of a past mishap, you’re hurting not just yourself, but your potential dates as well. You can’t let negative baggage convince you that you’re not worthy of someone else’s romantic affections. Start focusing on all of the things there are to like about you. Confidence is attractive—self-doubt is not. Remind yourself that all that bad stuff happened in the past and should be left there. You’re a more evolved person in the present.

Learn From Your Past Relationships

Of course, though there is much bad baggage that should be gotten rid of, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t value what we’ve learned from past relationships. If you really want to make the best of your previous experience, focus more on what those old relationships have taught you about yourself than about the other involved parties. Instead of letting a bad break at the hands of a cheater teach you that all members of the opposite sex aren’t to be trusted, take away from that experience that honesty and open communication are very important to you. Be sure to express that to your next boy- or girlfriend. Maybe your last long term relationship was filled with nasty fights because your ex preferred to spend way more of their time with their friends than with you. Instead of freaking out the first time your new significant other mentions girls’ or boys’ night, recognize that you’re someone that wants a lot of one-on-one time in your relationship. Calmly bring this up, and work with your new love to find a good friend-time and romantic-time balance. However, if your current guy or gal keeps trending toward the same bad habits as your ex AFTER these conversations, you probably should consider a breakup. Just don’t let your baggage make you jump to conclusions before you’ve had a heart-to-heart or two.

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The Benefits Of Healthy Relationships

The study was developed by analyzing data from nearly 150 previously published studies that measured things like frequency of human interaction and tracked the resulting health outcomes over a period of years. Because information on relationship quality was unavailable from these studies, the 50 percent increased odds of survival may actually be an UNDERestimate of the benefit of healthy relationships.

While the study isn’t just referencing relationships with significant others, but rather all our daily interactions – from husbands and wives to co-workers and friends – some of the same techniques I teach for healthy romantic relationships can be applied to the relationships we have with other people in our lives.

For example, having what I call in my book, Make Up Don’t Break Up, a “smart heart-to-heart” can be beneficial to a friendship or a co-worker relationship as well as a marriage. It teaches us to create an environment for honesty and conflict resolution. Being able to put heated emotions aside and let each person share their experiences and feelings is beneficial beyond a romantic relationship and can work for professional and personal relationships alike.

Separation Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Another technique I teach is break up to make up and this can be helpful for many types of relationships that have come to an impasse. Typically, I recommend it for those in committed relationships who are on the verge of break up or divorce as a way to separate from each other with the clear intention of getting back together. The separation ideally allows each person to determine or restructure their priorities and, yes, also ideally makes the heart grow fonder. But in any closer personal relationship – such as within a family or in a close friendship – there can come a time when it’s a wise decision to take some time apart.

After all – if you’re implementing some of these techniques to create happy relationships in your life, you may actually live longer! And according to one of the study authors: “When someone is connected to a group and feels responsibility for other people, that sense of purpose and meaning translates to taking better care of themselves and taking fewer risks.”

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What She Said:

What are the benefits of marriage when you can get the same thing by shacking up? On the one hand, it’s nice not having to worry about legalities when you live together. On the other hand, when you get hitched you can throw a party and get a lot of cool gifts! Stepping beyond the material, there is something to be said for standing up together and turning from “boyfriend and girlfriend” to “husband and wife.” (Or whatever lovely combination of partnership you’re in. Everyone deserves to get married, if they so desire!) Taking that step of saying “I do” in front of friends and family can be an incredibly moving moment, as well as the beginning of something deeper.

But what if you don’t want that little piece of paper to “bind” you? Living together is a fulfilling option. It’s great to share a home and a life with someone you love. The experiences will be similar to your married pals – with the convenience of a little mental freedom. You can walk out the door anytime you want to – but you’re choosing to stay!

On the other hand, being married does come with legal backup that can make a lot of things easier – insurance, home ownership, in the event of a medical emergency – you get the drift. Sounds sexy!

Seriously though – there are a lot of things that go hand in hand with getting married. I still hope and believe that people are committing to each other for one big reason – love. Getting hitched isn’t a guarantee, especially considering today’s divorce rates; but it can provide a certain peace of mind in a working partnership.

It really comes down to this – what does your heart tell you? What’s best for you and your partner? A ceremony is one thing – it’s how you treat each other that will matter in the end. There are so many ways to have a happy home – getting hitched is only one of them.

What He Said:

I really wish more people would handle relationships like I do. You’d say: “That was great! Money’s on the dresser! See you next time.” Kidding.

Seriously though, what’s the point of just living together? I don’t know. I mean, yes, you don’t have the “piece of paper” but if you live together long term, over seven years, you’re basically common law anyway. There’s really too much pressure put on people to be married, to have “successful” marriages, to not get divorced and the like, and if you’re a child of divorce, you’re more than likely to be extra sensitive to those pressures. Divorce is painful and messy and that’s just stupid. It should be as easy to get divorced as it is to get married. But it’s not and that can make you gun shy too.

Basically, this is a personal decision and you should make it like you make any other: on your own terms. You shouldn’t get any pressure from your parents, your partner or anyone. And if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Good luck. You’ll need it!

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Most of us probably won’t see an advance that enables a trip like that but there are plenty of things you can do to ensure enlightenment and peace without leaving home. And since my area of expertise is relationships, here are a few tips to keep things happy on the home front – and to help ensure the only round-the-world excursion you’ll take is one for fun and relaxation, with your significant other by your side!

Make The Most Out Of Your Relationship

• Don’t over-ride emotion. Sure, it can seem easier to just sweep heated discussions or uncomfortable communications under the rug but sooner or later things will resurface. Opting not to talk about things will likely lead down a road you don’t want to be on; one where you end up in a knock down drag out fight, or one where you’re pushed apart and possibly even enter into an affair.
• Instead, learn to fight fair. The idea is to provide a safe place where each person can feel comfortable talking about their fears and frustrations. These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict.
• Know your “Imago.” Imago is the imprint that makes you who you are – your background, upbringing, friends, job history, education and so forth. But it’s also the “image” of what your’e looking for in a partner. As you transition through life changes with your significant other, a big part of making that transition successfully comes from the way you deal with stressors as a couple. Being aware of how YOU deal with these things (your imago) and acknowledging your partner’s imago helps to forestall any preconceived notions or assumptions. It all comes back to being honest with yourself and your partner!
• Have an affair – with your own partner! People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high. There are ways to recreate these feelings with your partner, eliminating the need to look outside your relationship. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.

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Top Things Men Do To Screw Up A Long Term Relationship – What She Said

Cheating – it’s my number one, and I’d be willing to bet it’s at the top of the list for a lot of other ladies as well. Of course with cheating comes the loss of trust and respect. Combined, those are things that can (and often do) irreparably screw up a long-term relationship. While behaviors that can throw a wrench into a couple’s union vary greatly, here’s a quick list of the most common ways men muck up their love nest. Consider it a primer of what not to do, guys. You can thank me later.

• Lying, whether about big or small issues, is never a good thing. It’s a slippery slope – don’t open that door.
• Forgetting to appreciate your gal. No one wants to be taken for granted.
• Letting resentment grow. Keep communicating – it’s a lot easier to air differences when they’re in the beginning stages.
• Letting the sex go out of your relationship. Or, worse, looking for it elsewhere. See above!
• Any kind of abuse, verbal or physical, is unacceptable.

The list could go on and on, but it really comes down to handful of things. Don’t worry; they’re all mutual! You’re not there to do all the work; you’re there to share in the experience with someone you care about. It all comes down to this: love, respect and communication. If you’ve got all of those things running smoothly, you’re golden. If anything seems out of whack, be willing to take a step back and explore why.

Feeling frustrated with your mate? Behavior and decide you need to vent about it with a female coworker at a bar after work? Thumbs down. Sitting with your partner and actually telling her what’s wrong? Applause meter! We all have that inner voice helping to guide us between right and wrong. It’s called intuition and, even though it’s usually associated with women, men have it too. Call it your gut, if you will, even if you have a six-pack. If something doesn’t feel right, your gut will let you know. However, listening to your gut is a two-parter. You’ve got to hear it AND follow through on what it’s telling you. It’s the “following through” part that trips us all up; and this is often where things go wrong. Be present, be honest and be kind. Following these little tips will make your girlfriend happy. And guess who gets to benefit from that?

Top Things Men Do To Screw Up A Long Term Relationship – What He Said

Complacency And Inconsistency

For women, life is a journey. For men, it’s a destination. This kills more relationships than anything else. You have to consistency say and do the things that got her in the first place. You can never stop. Don’t think that just because you “got the girl” that you won the game. Wake up, sparky. The game is just beginning. If you screw up with some girl at a bar, or some random one night stand, who cares? But if you’re in a long term relationship, this is when the real work starts. You can’t get lazy. You can’t let yourself go. You never stop dating. EVER. You may stop dating other women, but you never stop dating her.

Lack Of Preventative Maintenance

You love your car, you baby it. You get the fanciest car wash possible, get the oil changed regularly; you lavish all kinds of attention on it. And it looks amazing. Why shouldn’t it? You put in a shit ton of work! Do you put that kind of effort into your relationship with your girl? Hell, no. That would make sense! In life, you get what you put in, and if you don’t put in the effort into the relationship, she’ll find someone else to put it in her.

Lack Of Appreciation

She was everything you’d ever wanted in a woman when you first met, but somehow you forgot all about this when you settled down together. She needs to be appreciated. She needs to be needed. You need to make her feel like the greatest thing to ever happen to you. Because she is.

A Gap In Communication

Chris Rock was right. “Women are like the police. They can have all the evidence in the world, but they still want that confession.” Yes, she knows you love her, and yes, she knows you want to do her. Constantly. But what she’s not getting is how much you love her. She needs to hear it. Constantly. She needs to know specifically what you love about her, how your life is better off with her in it, the whole nine yards. The sappier the better. I know you don’t want to say this, but that’s what you’re there for.

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What She Said

• Of course you’re allowed to be comfortable in your relationship, but not too comfortable. It may sound shallow, but save sweatpants for the gym.
• Do not cling! You were living and breathing before this guy came along – remind yourself that you can do the same now.
• Along with no clinging comes no whining. Harping on every little thing is the least effective way to get what you want. Instead, it’ll have your guy looking for the exit.
• Be appreciative. Though you’re in a long-term relationship, saying “please” and “thank you” go along way. Give your guy kudos; he’ll dig it.
• Be affectionate. You’re in love, not business, together. Of course sex is uber-important, but so are the hugs and kisses in between bedtime romps. While that sounds like a rather sexist list of no-no’s; the fact of the matter is those are common stereotypes for a reason. I’m not trying to be Camille Paglia; I’m just trying to save you some time and trouble.

What I’m about to say is going to sound crude, but it’s a common complaint amongst guys, so I’m going to share it with you. Here it is: don’t let yourself go. He fell in love with a pert and pretty thing, and that’s where he wants to stay. Love goes way deeper than the surface. No one is arguing that, by any means. Being gorgeous from the inside out is as much for you as it is for him. You’ll be glowing and feeling great about yourself and, by proxy, the spark that attracted your mate will remain. This isn’t to say that you have to play games or keep a tube of lipstick by your bedside table. Rather it’s about being independent and being your best self, whether it’s year one or year ten of your union.

What He Said

“Mommy Mode”

Something happens to certain women when they have kids. I call it “Mommy Mode.” Mommy Mode is when a woman has a kid and forgets that she’s a wife and mother. She focuses solely on the kid, and ignores her husband, unless of course she needs help with the kid, or the kid does something wrong (then, suddenly it’s ‘his’ child, not hers). You need to remind yourself that you are a wife AND mother. Both are your job. Not just one. Just like he is a father AND husband.

“Kate Gosselin”

There’s an old saying. It goes like this “There’s the girl you date, and the girl you marry.” In many cases, it’s true. People change, but it’s like this: if I go to the restaurant, and I order steak, I expect you to bring me steak. Don’t bring me fish and then go “well, you know, the kitchen’s been going through a lot of changes lately…” Who the hell cares about the fish? I didn’t order that. Bring me the damn steak! We know you change, but we don’t like it. And you should still be the same person, just more evolved. It’s like a car. If I paint my car, it’s the same car. It just looks different in the parking lot, but I can still find it. It’s not like I bought a BMW and it magically turned into a Mini Van one day, because it watched an episode of Oprah, you know? Make sure if you do change, it’s for the better, like a sudden burst of bisexuality, or nymphomania.

What turns your man on when you met him will turn him on until the day he dies. And he expects you to do it, on a regular basis, until the day he dies. Period. If you were into three ways and anal sex when you met, guess what? He’s going to be expecting them on a regular basis. You can’t be a total whore (and I mean that as a compliment) in the beginning of the relationship and turn into a nun down the road. He’s not going to be happy. He’ll be pissed. With good reason. You’re not living up to your end of the bargain.

Removing His Crown

Your job, as a woman, is to make your man feel like a king. That doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat, but he needs to feel appreciated just as much as you do. And he takes a great deal of pride in doing the job right, so tell him. Tell him why you chose him, why there’s no other for you, etc. This will give him the feedback necessary to feel like he’s doing a good job. Then you’ll get him to do more of what you already like. Score!

Trying To Change Him

My mother always said “Men don’t really change; they just become more of who they already are.” This is true. What’s also true is that the thing that turns you on about a person instantly begins to piss you off when have a long term relationship together. If you loved that he was spontaneous, sooner or later you’ll be pissed off that he never plans anything. But he didn’t change. You did. Or more accurately, how you view him. You ladies love your checklists, and maybe you married/or settled down with this guy without a list, but you probably had one. And oh, how you’ve waited to start making the improvements. But you can’t. You broke it, you bought it. No refunds or exchanges.

Not Looking Hot

Basically, you want your man to want to do you. You need to look your best at all times for this. Yes, bodies change, but you should still do your best to look hot for each other all the time. No BS excuses, he can’t complain about stress at work, and you can’t use the kids as a reason you can’t fit into your clothes anymore. If you do, don’t be shocked when he’s not sexually attracted to you anymore.

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Why Online Colleges Are Great For Relationships

Online colleges offer the convenience of taking your classes at home, and are easy to schedule around your life. You can choose when to do the work, so if you have a date with your partner or just want to spend time with them watching a movie or hanging out, you can complete your schoool work at a later time without consequence. You will, of course, have certain deadlines and times that things are due, but for the most part, online colleges offer the most flexible degree programs available today. Choosing to get your degree online is also a great option if you’re working or have a child with your significant other. Many people today, whether they’re in relationships or not, have responsibilities outside of school that they either can’t or don’t want to give up. You can also travel while you’re going to school online, so you can even go with your partner if they have to travel to go to a traditional college. Or, both you and your partner can go to school online! Either way, getting your degree online is a great way to prevent having to have a long distance relationship with someone you love.

Top Online Colleges

Since there are thousands of online degree programs and colleges available for you to choose from, sorting through the top online colleges to find the best one for you can be nothing short of intimidating. There are, however, many resources that can help you find the best online college based on how much you want to pay and what degree you’re seeking. Make sure whatever resource you’re using to find the top online colleges doesn’t promote one college or another – instead, look for resources that offer unbiased information on a variety of online colleges or resources that connect you directly with the colleges’ websites.

How To Choose The Best Online Colleges For You

The first thing to consider when choosing the best online colleges for you is which colleges offer the degree program you’re looking for. That will narrow down your search quite a bit! Next of course, is cost. While many online colleges cost a lot less than traditional colleges, money is still an issue. Think about what you and your partner can really afford, and if you’ll have to work to pay for school or if you and your partner can get grants, scholarships or financial aid. That will narrow down your list of the best online colleges even further, and all you have to do now is apply! Once accepted to the online degree program of your choice, you can go to school and focus on your relationship without having to months or even years away from your partner.

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Establishing Ground Rules

First things first, establish rules. How often will visits occur? Who will do the traveling (just one person or split half-and-half)? Most importantly, will you date other people while apart? Don’t wait until something detrimental has already happened to create some rules. Do it now.

If you agree to stay faithful to one another, don’t cheat. You’re probably asking, “Did you really have to include this one?” Yes, I did. Cheating is a very common (if not the most likely) reason long-distance relationships fail. One person gets lonely or meets somebody else, and without the boyfriend/girlfriend around to counteract these feelings, it can be easier to stray than you might imagine.

Trusting Your Partner

That being said, though, you must be trusting. Just because your significant other doesn’t answer the phone over the lunch hour (or in the middle of the night), you should not assume the worst (cheating, that is, though come to think of it, death is probably worse). Have trust in your partner; otherwise, the distance will constantly eat at you.

Give and take equally. Depending on your previously agreed-upon arrangement, you should each put forth equal efforts to making this relationship last. (What? You have no arrangements? Go back to #1 right now.) Even if only one person is able to do the monthly journeying, for example, the other should offer to pay travel expenses. Or, if you switch off travel duties, make sure it basically evens out in terms of mileage, money, and time taken off of work. If one person puts forth more effort over and over, he or she may start to resent the other.

What To Do To Keep Your Long Distance Relationship Alive

Webcam. Be creative. You’ll soon figure out the benefits here.

Have a plan. How long will you be apart? How will this relationship change over time? What will be different when you are able to live closer to one another? By deciding on a plan of action, you will not only be on the same page with your respective goals and timelines, but you will also have an incentive to keep working at the relationship.

Keep communication open. This may not come naturally at first, but clear communication is important in every relationship. Yet with long-distance relationships, it is mandatory. Because you are not around one another on a daily basis, your partner cannot easily determine whether you are upset and ignoring his calls or just plain busy at work. Moreover, if you are starting to feel the effort of maintaining this relationship is becoming exhaustive or you are starting to feel bored with the routine, let your partner know in order figure out a solution together.

Know when to quit. If your unhappiness or distrust is overshadowing your happiness while together, it may be time to call it quits, if only until you live in the same area code again.

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Finding Answers

“My ex girlfriend says she likes me, but she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment right now. We began kissing and holding hands 2 weeks after the breakup but she stopped because she doesn’t want to complicate things. What should I do if I want to win her back?” – Evans

I think the real question is, what makes you think that winning her back is the course of action you should be pursuing? “I don’t want a boyfriend or commitment” sounds to me like she’s made it pretty clear to you. Remember that love is not a contest to be won! If you’d like to learn and grow from this experience, try sitting down with her and talking about what it was that, from her perspective, caused the downfall of the relationship. Then you can take that information and use it to better yourself for your next relationship – with someone who actually wants one.

“On several occasions I have asked my fiancé how much she loves me and if she’s willing to sacrifice things like; moving, leaving her friends and family to come with me. She constantly avoids the questions. What I want to know is does she really love me seeing as she doesn’t seem willing to give up some things for our relationship?” – Brandon

There are nearly seven billion people on this planet, and out of all of them, she chose to be with YOU. There, doesn’t that make you feel great? How much more does she have to prove? Love is not about jumping through hoops or passing tests; if you look at the situation from a more positive angle, you’ll see that she is committed to the relationship, and that you’ve simply been looking for ways to disprove that.

Healing From An Affair

“My husband of 19 yrs. was just caught having an affair. It was going on for 2½ years. Since then he has been begging, pleading, etc., that it was a mistake and he only wants me and the kids. I believe he is close to a nervous breakdown. Here is my question; the only place they ever saw each other was at her apartment during the day for sex 2-3 times a month. He never bought her anything, took her anywhere or gave her any money. She confirmed this so it has to be true. He insists he never cared for her, it was only sex. He never told her he loved her. He called her in front of me and told her I love my wife, you were only sex, she freaked. Could it be true to have a 2½ yr affair and have no feelings for her?” – Melissa

Monogamy and trust are two major components that make us feel safe and respected within the boundaries of a relationship. When even one of those components gets damaged or destroyed, it often takes the other one with it, and then you’re left wondering how you can anchor yourself and start rebuilding. When a relationship falls apart in such a devastating way, you have to be stern and direct with the questions you ask – not to him, but to yourself. What exactly would the situation have to be in order for trust to be there again? What would it take for you to be able to trust your husband again – both in terms of monogamy and in terms of knowing that he’s not lying? Also, it can be helpful to ask yourself what your own role is in all this.

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How A Road Trip Can Test Your Relationship

To start, this may be one of the first times you have been bound to one another (metaphorically, I mean; physically is a whole other article), unable to get away if he starts annoying you. In a way, this is a test for your relationship: are you ready to spend many hours together (possibly without anyone else around for hours), or have you not yet reached that point? If it is the former, keep reading for tips on how to take a successful trip together.

Keep in mind that tensions already run high while preparing for a vacation, and even higher when actually traveling to your destination. The stress of planning, spending, and hoping like hell that everything goes well can translate to frustration toward your girlfriend who has to stop and pee every thirty minutes (has she sprung a leak or something?!). Rather than allowing these tense emotions to steer you, remind yourself (chant it, if necessary, though silently so as not to worry her) that it is just the stress. Why, you love your girlfriend (and her small bladder), of course.

Making The Trip Easier

In addition to restroom breaks, don’t push your bodily limits: rest or eat when you need to do so. Take turns with driving duties. Share the radio or CD player. Compromise on everything. Being stuck with someone who is one foot away from you for hours on end is not the time to exert your stubbornness.

Finally, the best way to avoid the nearly-inevitable road-trip fights is to stay preoccupied. Schedule fun things to do or see along the way. If you know your route will pass by a national park, take an extra hour to visit it. When you see a sign proclaiming World’s Largest _________, check it out. It will give you more to talk about when you are trapped – I mean, back in the car. Also, bring along a book geared towards conversation, such as a Book of Questions, or just print your own list of interesting questions to ask one another. This will not only keep the car ride interesting, you will also learn more about your significant other. If you feel yourself getting uptight despite these tips, listen to an audio book. This will encourage a silent but not awkward atmosphere.

And hey, if all else fails, you can pull over for some illicit, roadside sex.

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“Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of that.’ Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”

~ “Felipe” from Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir, “Committed.”

I find the scene charming because my husband and I did the exact same thing. The only difference was we did it on our very first date! But I imagine the same dynamics drove both conversations and that was insecurity born of painful, challenging divorces and other dysfunctional relationships mixed with a deep desire that the new beloved understand what he or she was getting into in order to reduce damage done to the other.

Stop Sabotaging Your Relationship

Honestly, unless you’re a complete newbie to the relationship scene, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve had just one long romance (that may or may not have gone bad) or a string of monogamous (or not so monogamous) relationships; you know the stuff about you that sabotages romance and good loving. You know the places you go to with words, attitude, and actions that drive a wedge between you and your partner, whoever your partner is. Your partner knows those things about himself or herself as well. The longer you’ve been together, the better you know those things about each other.

So what do you do with those things to keep from sabotaging your relationship? And, by the way, sabotage can look as dramatic as the relationship falling apart or as mundane as simply ruining an afternoon or a single day. How do you love the unlovable parts of your lover?

Perhaps I’ve hinted at where to begin? That would be with you. A quick way to turn down the heat of repulsion that your partner’s words, attitude, or actions have engendered is to recognize that you have things about you that repulse your partner as well. Whether it’s the times when you suddenly feel like complete strangers to each other (and not in a good way) or the times certain reoccurring behaviors drive you batty, you are both only human and so you are both going to be guilty of doing or saying things that turn the other person off. Accepting this can help lighten up how you feel about the issue and how you feel towards your lover.

Loving The Unlovable Parts Of Your Lover

Loving the unlovable parts of your lover doesn’t mean forcing yourself to interpret annoying things as charming. Although that is one way to tackle it, love is bigger than that. Love often means allowing people to make mistakes, take risks, do things that go against our ideals while managing the ego’s war inside that would really rather control the other person than make allowances for them.

And so if your lover, for instance, has a habit of taking off their shoes and playing with their feet and toes every night when they settle down on the sofa beside you to watch a little T.V. and it’s something that makes your skin crawl, you have some decisions to make. Do you really need to go to battle over this and make them change their behavior? Maybe so. If so, make it as much about you as you can.

So, rather than blast them for being gross or insensitive, make it about your limitations and how you need them to do this for you. Ask if there’s anything in return you can do for them to make their life with you more comfortable. There’s no easy way to say, “This right here must stop.” But if it must stop, better to make the request than to let discomfort turn into resentment.

However, maybe you don’t really need to turn this into a battle. Maybe you love to suck on those toes when they are freshly bathed and so you think you can create peace inside yourself over this presently irritating habit. Give that a try before creating a battle over this. Work with yourself to see if you can change rather than asking your lover to change. You may not ever like your lover’s habit but even if it can become a neutral event in your daily routine, neutrality can be an expression of loving your partner in spite of this particular unlovable habit.

Open Your Eyes And Heart

Of course, a third option is to join in the fun, remove your own shoes and socks and play with your feet and toes!

Felipe’s advice as Elizabeth Gilbert relates it is really good. It suggests that loving the unlovable parts comes down to facing them squarely and determining with complete honesty whether or not you can accept the bad with the good. At the very beginning of a romance, this can save a couple a lots of time, trouble, and heartache if the truthful answer is “No.” In that case, you can go your separate ways before harm is done.

But if the truthful answer is yes then you proceed with growing the love between you with open eyes and hearts. This practice begun early in the relationship can help you navigate a lifetime of choosing each other as lovers over and over again as each day uncovers the mystery of who you each are in the world and to each other.

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Staying Single

You enjoy your freedom to take a spontaneous road trip, to stay out late drinking with your friends, to move as you please, to advance your career, and most importantly, to not have to take care of anyone besides yourself. Those are all very legitimate reasons to stay kid-less and carefree. Even if you find the right person to spend your life with, you do not have to settle down and have kids. It is possible to have a fulfilling, loving relationship without ever worrying about convertible cribs and college funds.

The beauty about waiting to have kids is that you can always change your mind (because you can’t un-birth a child, if afterward you decide you aren’t ready for the responsibility). Enjoy the ability to take your time on making big decisions. Yet if you never decide to have a child, you are no worse for the wear.

Starting a Family

There are as many misconceptions about having kids as there are about not having kids. It is true that it becomes harder to travel once you have children. However, it is possible. Just like it is possible to maintain your maintain your personality and hobbies and dreams. Upon giving birth, you do not automatically become a militant mommy: the kind of mother who gives up everything that made her who she was in the pre-baby years, who becomes obsessed with preschools and pull-ups.

Because more and more people are waiting until their mid- to late-30′s to start a family, they are able to establish their careers and get some of their wilder urges out of the way long before the stroller-days arrive. Yet, even then, parents may find themselves limited by what they are able to do. The cancellation of a babysitter can throw your plans for a loop, regardless of its importance. Also, while many employers try to be family-friendly, having to take time off for doctor’s appointments and classroom parties (not to mention, limited time to travel for work) can inhibit your climb up the corporate ladder.

However, having children can be very fulfilling and rewarding. Many parents don’t have regrets at all about having children, and the joys that come with parenting can outweigh giving up being single for the forseeable future.

In conclusion, you may be thinking, this wasn’t helpful at all. You didn’t say which is the best option for me. Well, of course I didn’t. Choosing whether or not to have children is not something the Internet can help you with, silly. Rather, the purpose of this article is to show you that there are benefits and drawbacks to either lifestyle. In the end, all that matters is how you feel about your life, what you want to accomplish, and what your vision for the future looks like.

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“You have to be the lion. You can’t have your woman be the same as you.”

~ Justin, 32

What Justin has to say isn’t just a nice poetic thought. It’s a challenge to a man to step up and be the lion – the man. Some meet that challenge easier than others, yet it is a challenge nonetheless. It is also a challenge for a woman to choose a non-competitive, receptive role with her man. If that sounds boring, keep reading to find out more because the fact is that the more alike a man and woman are (if they are both the lion), the more their relationship is filled with either strife or boredom.

When a man and woman are romantically involved and when they allow themselves to embody the masculine principle in him and the feminine principle in her, sexual tension is created which heats up the fire of their love and longing for each other. It stokes the fires of their passion in a way that makes sense to their bodies and minds.

Whether you consider the history of the last one hundred years that has allowed women to come full force into their own in the work force, religion, and politics or the fact of the present necessity of women having to make it on their own in their jobs and careers; there have never been so many men and women on this planet living together in such relative equality as there are today. However, there are a number of ways a man and a woman in love can allow themselves to experience the richness of his masculinity and her femininity (him being the lion and her being the lioness) in spite of the pressures and demands of 21st Century life. Here are a few.

How To Be The Lion

When you feel the desire to protect her, follow it. If she protests that she’s capable of taking care of herself, gently insist. In time, you’ll teach her to trust you and that’s a very good thing. Open doors and pull out chairs for her. Stand up when she leaves or approaches the table. This old fashioned chivalry does more than simply flatter her. It makes a statement on your behalf that you are The Man.

You are in a relationship; she’s yours, so undress her with your eyes. And sometimes, when you’re preparing to make love, undress her with a sense of confidence, even authority. Embody the lion and be the king of your pride! If you’ve been together awhile, she may have begun to teach you to listen rather than give her advice. If you are receptive to that, you are a pretty cool dude. All of us, men and women, can stand to be better listeners. But sometimes you have something very valuable to give her in terms of logic and advice. If you need to prepare her for it so that her frustration is eased, do so. However, when you know she needs to hear what you have to say, say it.

How To Be The Lioness

Practice receptivity. He’s your fellow, not some stranger, so when he ogles you, enjoy it. Also, receptivity is more than just allowing someone access to you. And it has nothing to do with being a doormat! When you take joy in your own receptivity and how he fills you, delighting in it, being fed by it; well, that’s just a huge turn on for a man!

When he touches you, respond positively. A smile, a moan, catching your breath, turning in his direction communicate that you are a willing recipient to his advances. Turn the dial down on competing with him. Competition in a relationship shows up in large and almost imperceptible ways. You can teach yourself to recognize when you feel that drive inside to speak or act so that you can best him and thereby choose to just not go there. The more you practice, the easier it gets to spot it.

Certainly, there are times when competition is fun! This ain’t no 1950’s handbook on how to be happy lovers! It is just that one of the driving forces in a man is to protect his lover, not compete with her. When competition is the name of the game most of the time, it’s exhausting and can make a less competitive woman appear inviting.

These are just a few ideas but I hope the point is made. Sexual tension has to do with balance. If you are both the lion, the similarity in energies can lead to either fighting or apathy. If you allow yourselves to pair off as the lion and lioness instead, suddenly you are circling each other in a dance of passion that makes daily life a lot more fulfilling!

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Learn What You Want And What You Don’t Want

Well, you can’t. Not the answer you were hoping for? Unfortunately, that’s just something we all have to deal with, just like the sun rising and setting everyday. No matter how much you want it to stop, it won’t, and unless you’re going to spend your life chasing down crazy ways to try to get the sun to do your bidding (like so many of us do with love), then you’ll just need to learn to accept that heartache is a part of the process of learning what you want and what you don’t want.

In my case, I had plenty of opportunities to learn these things, over and over again. I felt like my heart had been snapped in two hundreds of times by love, and by men. I felt like I had nothing else to dream about or to aim for, and that every time I took a chance on love again, it would just end up in sadness and abandonment. So after a lot of soul-searching, I decided to stop looking for the magic perfect relationship, and start looking for what I really wanted instead: someone who would be true to me, who would not ignore me, who would not dispose of me, and who would treat me with the love and respect I deserved.

You Deserve Love And Respect

And after many years and lots of looking, I did finally find that love and respect. What was both frustrating and enlightening, though, was that it was right here tho whole time – inside of myself, in my own heart. I was looking for that true love in the arms of another; I was looking for it in the beds of men I thought would complete me. The big moment was when I realized that I’m already complete – this is the biggest lesson on the road to becoming heart-smart.

So, with that in mind, we can now aim to share ourselves selectively with others who have similar values, people who know that a healthy relationship includes not just attraction, but real compatibility and respect. It’s time to give up chasing the sun and concentrate on getting heart-smart!

 Here are five tips to get you started:

 1. Seek the higher truth – you may feel that true love is something “out there,” but you need to learn and accept that it’s inside of you.

2. Given that sex automatically leads to feelings of expectation and bonding, you need to take a step back and think before taking that giant leap forward.

3. Treat the true love inside yourself accordingly – don’t compromise your integrity, your desires, and especially your safety.

4. Remember that FEELING love and being with the right person are not necessarily the same thing. That feeling can steer you wrong if you’re not smart about it.

5. Your mind is your servant; use it to develop a habit of self-inquiry so that you can best serve your soul.

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Combining Cell Phone Plans

Like it or not, most of us couldn’t live without our cell phones. It’s an important part of our day-to-day lives, something we won’t leave the house without. In a way, our phone number is an extension of our persona. When you combine cell phone plans with someone, you’re meshing your main mode of communication…and the service contract that goes with it. Once you agree to combine contracts, you are committing to stay with your partner for at least the next two years. Too early in a relationship and this can cause undue panic. It’s not buying a home or getting married, by any means. But it is a situation that makes you stop and take a moment to reflect on your relationship.

Borrowing Cars

Sure, married people do it all the time. They’re used to everything being “ours”—not “yours” or “mine”. Yet, the first time you use your partner’s car can be intimidating. Maybe your car is in the shop, or their car has 4-wheel drive and you are going to the mountains with friends. Simply asking someone to borrow his or her car can trigger anxiety. There is also your partner’s worry to consider: allowing someone to use your car sends a clear message, “I care about and trust you.” When your partner hands you the keys, they are putting an important part of their daily life in your hands. Just like with a cell phone, you’re stepping into your significant other’s zone. You’re going to change the mirrors, the seat, the steering wheel, and the radio station. Nothing says “ours” like changing someone’s radio presets.

Getting The Flu

The first time your partner hears you vomit is a special relationship moment. How will they react? How will you feel about it? When they get home from work, will they have the fortitude to help you get through the evening? You’ve been on the couch all day, only getting up to use the bathroom or take your medicine. Dirty and cranky—a good partner will overlook your condition and offer to make you some toast, while you muster up the energy to take a shower. Once you’ve made it through a virus with your significant other, you bond in a way that will prepare you for all kinds of future maladies.

Although these examples may not elicit the same responses from everyone, they are a small example of the kinds of things we all face when entering a serious relationship. While things like cell phone plans and apartment leases do speak to a certain level of commitment, they’re nothing to be panicked about. If you love someone enough to even be considering these steps, it’s probably a good sign that you’re headed in the right direction with the right person.

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Will Combining Finances Destroy Your Relationship?

If you haven’t thought about it before, maybe it’s time. Sharing expenses can save you some good money. Rent on one pad is cheaper than two. Family cell phone plans save money. Why keep two Netflix accounts? What could possibly go wrong? The view through your fancy, Elton John-style, rose colored glasses might make it seem like the only things you’ll need to make your relationship work are love and lots of vigorous sex. In the real world, however, not many things can match money trouble for sheer, teeth-gnashing, relationship-destroying power.

Some couples will prefer to keep things separate: half-and-half on the rent and utilities; separate groceries and phones; and Dutch on every bar tab. Other couples will be perfectly comfortable pouring all of their bread into a joint checking account and letting fate sort it out. No one way will be right for everyone. Here are several things to consider.

If yours and your honey’s paycheck match dollar-for-dollar, you may expect that each of you will pitch in an equal amount of dough to keep to homestead running. However, if you’re a musician or a public school teacher and your significant other is a biochemist or a crooked lobbyist, it’s likely that one of you is supporting the other in ways that don’t involve money. In that case, it might not make sense to split expenses down the middle. Think about the different ways that you contribute when you’re deciding how to figure this all out.

Who Will Manage The Finances?

Another difference between partners might be their level of financial prowess. If you have a credit score lower than the monthly payment on your 1993 Ford Escort, and your partner’s score is best expressed in scientific notation, proceed with caution. That stellar credit score came from years of diligent responsibility and you don’t want to screw it up. On the other hand, one of you is clearly better at the whole money and bills business. Maybe you should let Mr. or Ms. Responsible handle all of the money stuff.

Two more important things to consider are trust and privacy. If you’re a shopaholic with poor financial self-control, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not relationship material; we all have our little flaws. You just might want to make sure you’re playing Supermarket Sweep with your own money. Also, if you value your privacy when it comes to the purchases you make, you may want to make sure that you have at least a portion of the money you make kept separate from the joint account. After all, if you’re considering marrying your finances, marrying your selves might not be too far behind, and not many things can spoil a three-carat surprise like a joint checking account!

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Question: Dan and Jen, I really need your help! I’ve found the most amazing guy, and we are currently in a serious relationship. The problem is that he’s in the Navy, and will be shipped out in only a month and a half! He keeps assuring me that he’ll never let me go, but it frightens me we might ‘slip apart’. Do you know how I can cope with him leaving?

–YouTube Viewer

Stay In Contact Any Way You Can

In this day in age, it’s easier than ever to keep in contact with someone over long distances. Cell phones with text, picture and video capabilities will help you feel connected to your partner when you’re away from him physically. Send him a picture of you at the movies that says “wish you were here” or “thinking of you.” Videotape important moments and send them to him. You can also use video chat and instant messaging on your computer to have longer conversations that can even seem like you’re together in the same room. You can also use cell phones, text and video chat to keep each other as sexually satisfied as possible with racy emails or dirty sexts.

Communicate With Each Other

Being completely open and honest with each other at all times during the long distance relationship is absolutely essential to keeping the relationship stable. Often, keeping things from your partner or even telling little white lies can snowball and create a big rift between you and your partner. Tell your partner how you’re feeling and encourage him to do the same. Talk about how you’re going to handle it when the need for physical contact arises and you two aren’t together. Talk about how you can make the situation temporary and make plans in the long term to eventually be together in the same place.

See Him As Often As Possible

One of the biggest reasons that  a long distance relationship don’t work out is that it can be difficult for one or both partners to make plans to see each other in person very often. Take some time to try to work out how often you and your partner can feasibly travel to see each other and try to make plans to do so as much as you can. Physical contact – with or without sex – is an important part of keeping the flame alive in your relationship. If you and your partner don’t make the effort to see each other over several months, it makes it easier for you and your partner to start drifting apart. With time, effort and honest communication, you and your partner can make the long distance relationship work until you can have a real relationship with each other.

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Question: Hi Dan and Jenn. I need help with my relationship. I have a big problem with my boyfriend. We’ve been together over a year now and the problem we have is getting worse. I’ve told him how I feel and how much what he does hurts me and makes me feel insignificant, and when he says he’ll stop it, he does it again and again. The three main problems are:
1. He doesn’t talk or text for long periods of time because he’s too busy playing computer games.
2. He regularly shouts over top of me or interrupts me when I’m speaking, whether it’s a serious situation or not. I can be crying my eyes out talking to him and he will still do it.
3. Finally, he sometimes shouts at me, and not just raising his voice, he really shouts loudly, my parents worry about it and ask if I’m okay, and it honestly does frighten me sometimes.

–YouTube Viewer

He Won’t Change

If you’ve talked to your partner about the behavior that bothers you, especially if you’ve mentioned it more than once and communicated to him clearly how you feel, and he refuses to change, it’s time to consider the fact that he probably won’t ever change. You can’t force someone to change their behavior, you can only talk to them about how it affects you and hope that they see how much better the relationship can be if they change their ways. If he won’t change, the only thing you can do is change yourself. You can change how you react to his behavior, but stop and think before you do. Do you want to be ignoring his behavior forever?

Respect Yourself

An abusive relationship isn’t always one where one partner physically hits another. A lot of abuse is verbal and emotional. If you stay in an abusive relationship – no matter what kind of abuse you’re living with – you’re doing yourself a disservice and disrespecting yourself. Many times, if your partner can’t or won’t change his ways, you’ve got to take a stand for yourself. If he won’t respect you, you have to respect you – or who will? Don’t rely on other people to treat you with respect. Treat yourself with respect and don’t stand for any kind of abuse, be it physical, sexual or verbal and emotional.

You Deserve A Happy Relationship

No matter what you think or what your partner may tell you, you absolutely deserve a relationship that makes you happy. If you aren’t happy with who you’re with now, it’s time to find someone you are happy with. Life is too short and your time is too precious to spend it being unhappy with someone who refuses to respect you and be respectful to you. While no man can “make” you happy, you don’t have to be miserable with someone who treats you poorly. If your current relationship isn’t giving you what you want, it’s time to walk away. Take some time and think about what you do want in a relationship and start looking for that.

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What Do Emotional Outbursts Accomplish?

Oh, well, that did it. The trigger was pulled, and there was no turning back. I went straight into orbit. At that time, I was the kind of person who could be thrown over the edge just by hearing the phrase “why don’t you calm down” or “just get a hold of yourself and relax.” For me, that was my cue to pull out all the stops, to give whichever unlucky recipient the full force of my big, full-on nature.

So for him to ask me a question like that was pretty much asking for it, as far as I was concerned. I quick-fired point after point at him, punctuating each sentence with a full complement of flailing arms and strewn spittle. He sat there frozen, like a deer in the headlights, and made an effort not to make any sudden moves.

I pointed out to him that what he was referring to as “huge drama” was actually just me being able to access a full range of human emotions, and that I knew he must like it, because otherwise why was he going out with me if he couldn’t handle it? After dropping that bomb, I let the debris settle a little bit, waiting for his response. But he didn’t have a response. How could he? He probably hadn’t even heard anything I said after he blocked me out from boredom.

Chemistry vs. Compatibility

It’s amazing how we confuse chemistry with compatibility. That instant spark you feel is not necessarily an indicator of how things will be on a day-to-day basis. Think of it in terms of analog versus digital – these are two different ways that people deal with emotional responses. Me, I’m more digital, absorbing and conveying a large range and depth of emotions. Analog people are not necessarily less capable of expressing themselves, but they tend to do so in a more controlled and laid-back way.

When I was younger, I deducted from other people’s horrified responses to my large nature that they found digitally emotional people unacceptable. I wanted to be accepted, so I would try my best to be more analog, with smaller, more calculated responses. I thought people would like me better if I didn’t seem so high-maintenance to them.

I finally learned my lesson, that ultimately there is no mileage in trying to deny who I really am, or to modify my true nature to try to impress others. There’s also no point in trying to place blame, or think that other people are wrong if they handle emotion differently. My ex was simply more reserved and easygoing that I was, and we weren’t compatible, and I couldn’t see that fundamental difference at the time. Opposites can certainly attract, but you always want to attract the kind of opposite that will bring out the best in you, which was not the case in that relationship.

What Kind Of Relationship Do You Want To Attract?

After that nightmare was over, I decided I wanted to attract a relationship with someone who could take my big self as-is, and indeed would thrive on the energy and high emotional response that I experience. I feel very intensely, and I have strong passions that bubble up and outward. I wanted to be with someone who wasn’t put off or intimidated by that, but would embrace and love it! Then, boom, my husband showed up, and there it was. I had managed to be a magnet from a place of truth and self-love, not repression or resentment. No matter what kind of emotional processing you do, Great Relationships Begin Within!

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Affection

Were your parents loving and affectionate toward one another? Were they open about hugging and kissing? The easiest way to create an affectionate child is, well, to show affection. That child will then grow up to treat their partner with the same loving gestures that they witnessed in their own folks.

Sex

Eek! I know, no one wants to think of their parents having sex. However, if you were raised in a home in which your parents were not embarrassed about sex, didn’t mind answering questions or talking about sex, you will likely carry that same tendency throughout all your relationships. This can make you a more attentive partner, more open-minded, and more accepting of the sexual world around you.

Argument Styles

How did your parents handle fights? Did they calmly discuss the matter in the bedroom, away from prying ears? Or did they yell and scream and throw things? Having grown up in such an atmosphere, you are more likely to handle fights like this, as well. If you start to feel like you’re losing control, leave the situation immediately. Sticking around will only escalate the argument, possibly to violence.

Multiple Marriages

It wasn’t long ago that second, third, and fourth (and so on) marriages were against the norm and looked down upon. In today’s society, though, it is becoming much more prevalent and acceptable. While in the past, studies have shown that people who were married multiple times were more likely to divorce again. It seems the way this affects the children is that they may be less likely to endure or struggle to improve a bad relationship.

Cheating

While much of how the parent handles the relationship seems to directly “inspire” the child’s, it is not always the case. While talking with a group of women about their parents’ relationships, a great many of them mentioned that one or both parents cheated on the other. Rather than this behavior passing down to their own relationships, the women instead took on a very firm stance against cheating. This seems to be one trait which so negatively impacts the child, that it is ingrained in them to despise all forms of cheating.

The Final Word

Regardless of how your parents carried out their relationships, you don’t have to do the same with yours. While the inclination to act a certain way may be strong within you, it is not mandated. By being conscious of your decisions to act a certain way or your ideals for what a relationship should be like, you can rise above (or emulate, if you desire) the relationship model which you have always known.

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Daddy’s Girls Come In All Different Packages

Some daddy’s girls were the typical tom boy, excelling in all things masculine, bonding with their dads and making them proud. Many of these women grew up to be powerful in the workplace. Sometimes, they are easy to love because “guy stuff” is something they’re comfortable with. From their husbands’ hobbies to topics of conversation to what he watches on TV, they are right there, genuinely enjoying it all. However, some of the tom boy types are so loyal to their dads that no other man stands a chance of measuring up as good enough.

Other daddy’s girls are such because dad went missing when they were young. Perhaps he abandoned the family or died or just wasn’t emotionally available. She’s daddy’s girl because she still longs for his approval. She wishes above all that he would or could “see” her. This type of daddy’s girl can be a challenge to love as she wants you to take the place of the man she’s been missing her entire life. Living up to the image of a phantom father is tough.

There’s another kind of daddy’s girl who is submissive – even subservient. She grew up believing her father’s happiness depended on her performance. She may have been abused by him or she may have been taught that walking on egg shells around him, keeping him from getting angry or upset, made a difference for her. However it happened, as an adult she believes her happiness depends on the happiness of her man. In the beginning she can seem like the ideal woman, but this much submissiveness eventually becomes tiresome.

Handling A Daddy’s Girl

It’s the common elements among the various kinds of daddy’s girls that you can work with to erase relationship stress, creating relationship satisfaction instead. For instance, daddy’s girls believe that they are the most influential person in their men’s lives. They feel superior to the men in their lives. Whether they treat their men like father figures or little boys, they see themselves as “the big one” in the relationship. Daddy’s girls feel like most everything falls on their shoulders to fix or take care of. This sets them up to experience frustration with their men who are too often perceived as incapable of doing most things “right.”

To move from relationship stress to satisfaction, a daddy’s girl first has to give up the feeling that she is superior to her man. The best way to do this is for her to make a spiritual practice of stopping the following behaviors:

1. Stop correcting him in public and in private.

2. Don’t do for him what he can do for himself – unless it is an act of sheer, unadulterated generosity.

3. Stay out of the middle of his relationship with his mother.

4. Do not take over a task he is in the middle of accomplishing, even if you believe you can do it better.

5. Catch any attitude of superiority and drop it.

6. Don’t sigh, roll your eyes, or emit anything approximating, “tsk, tsk, tsk” as a response to anything he says or does.

I call this a “spiritual practice” because simply making up one’s mind to make these changes once-and-for-all is impossible. It takes diligence, returning again and again to simply stopping the daddy’s girl behavior while getting comfortable being a new kind of woman in your own life and in his.

Now, the title of this article is “How to Handle an Adult Daddy’s Girl.” So let me speak to just the men for a moment.

The adult daddy’s girl you are in a relationship with has a lot to offer. These women, even the submissive ones, know how to get things done. Using an old fashioned term, they make awesome “help mates.” However, they have a habitual way of relating to men that can pour could water on your desire.

If you don’t want to lose her but you fear if nothing changes she’ll run you off, try the following (or try it before things get that bad!):

1. When she tries to take over a task you are in the middle of accomplishing, invite her to relax and let you finish. Remind her that you are an adult, capable of taking care of things even if you do it differently.

2. If she makes a habit of correcting you, challenge her to stop treating you like a child. A daddy’s girl can think she’s just sharing how she feels or believe she is doing you a favor. Unless she treats every other adult in her life the same way, correcting them, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on believing it is her job to correct you – unless you give her that responsibility.

3. If she’s the submissive type, encourage her to trust you with her dreams and her ability to make her dreams come true. Let her know your life won’t come apart at the seams if she experiences some autonomy.

The best way to handle a daddy’s girl for optimal relationship happiness is to know yourself as a grounded masculine man who desires a woman (not a mother or a little girl). That way of being will result in words and deeds from you that invite her to be that woman with you.

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While it’s interesting to sit and wonder, you’re probably busy trying to get back some of your freedom, so that you can take a step toward the future where you can feel good about who you are and find a good relationship. Instead of waiting for all that to happen then, here’s some advice to start living that greater tomorrow now.

Dear Maryanne,

“Should I just give up on him? My best friend and I have always been close. We always opened up to each other, and the way we act towards each other is, well, different. But there’s one catch–he’s gay. I decided to tell him how I felt, anyways. And guess what! He loves me too, ‘so much,’ and he couldn’t imagine never talking to me ever again. I’m his best friend.

So I realized he didn’t understand that much yet, and I decided to wait. But then one night came and something happened, he felt like no one loved or cared about him, so I opened up fully to him. I guess my friend talked to him, too, since he told me that she said we should both be together. I replied back telling him whatever he wants to do, it’s his choice. His answer was, ‘But I have a boyfriend.’

As long as he’s happy, I guess I’m happy too, right? I don’t want to be selfish. I always helped them whenever they had troubles, and not once did I ever tell his boyfriend what he did (he cheats).

Now I don’t know anymore. Like I said, he was gay. But later on, he said he’s getting to the point where it seems like gender doesn’t matter anymore. Today, he told me about this girl. And how he felt like he caused her brain cancer, and that he loved her. I didn’t know what to say, I wanted to help but I was too depressed. Lately I’ve been having no feelings whatsoever. If I smile, it only lasts for a couple of minutes. I barely laugh anymore. The only emotions I receive are depression and anger.

I just don’t really know what to do anymore. At times he would say the sweetest things, like how most guys would tell the girls they love most? But then later it’s as if that never happened. I’m starting to believe he doesn’t understand, and he doesn’t feel the same exact way. And me holding onto him is just hurting me even more. I don’t know what to do anymore.

- Julie (15, Denton, Texas, USA)

Dear Julie,

I think you made a very astute observation: “me holding onto him is just hurting me even more.” I think you should definitely take your own advice on this one, put a stop to the fruitless waiting right now, today, and start getting on with healing yourself and preparing yourself to be ready for a healthy relationship with someone who can love you back in the way you love them. You already know that your best friend is never going to be what you want him to be (i.e. a straight man), and so every moment that you continue to wait for the impossible to happen is just one more step into self-delusion. Keeping yourself trapped in a dead end also prevents you from being emotionally available to explore other things, like loving yourself and finding out who you really are.

Letting go is painful, but that pain is temporary, unlike the endless pain you’re suffering now by hanging onto him. When you allow yourself to let go, you’re also opening yourself up to love again. And it will happen, but the great thing is that next time you’ll be able to choose someone who can love you back equally, in a situation where both of you are able to celebrate your true selves.

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So here’s what’s going on. To set this up, I need to tell you that my husband and I work together from home. We have separate offices and actually spend a lot of time apart but are mostly just a few steps away from each other. With our lifestyle we get a lot of quality time together. It also means that we like to go out for lunch regularly in order to connect as a couple, rather than as business partners.

Beginning the day after tomorrow, we have commitments that will require a four-day separation. It means that tomorrow is our last day to have lunch together before we go four days hardly seeing each other. I was looking forward to having him to myself tomorrow at lunch. I was also looking forward to lunch with him my first day back.

With two phone calls this afternoon, he arranged for us to have lunch with his son tomorrow and he arranged to have lunch with a friend on my first day back. You’re probably saying, “What is the big deal?” Well, it isn’t a big deal. But it became an opportunity for me to NOT give him a hard time about not seeing the big picture.

The Difference Between Men And Women

That’s the difference between the sexes that we are caught in at the moment. As a woman, I see the big picture and I’ve been making plans around the big picture for weeks! As a man, he is very focused and efficient. The difference means he is missing the opportunity for two separate romantic encounters – the “good-bye” lunch and the “I’m home” lunch.

So, I made the decision that without bitterness, pettiness, or hurt feelings I would leave this alone. I would not point out to him the “mistake” he made. Nor, on the other end of it, when he’s hurting as much as I am that he added more separateness to a time of separation, will I point out to him that he made a “mistake.” To be perfectly clear, I twice put the word mistake in quotes because no mistake has been made. There is absolutely no value distinction between seeing the big picture verses being focused and efficient. Rather, it’s a difference in perspective that can sometimes be beneficial and other times drive a couple crazy – that’s all.

With the exception of the relief that writing this article gives me, I choose to let it go. I can promise you that the marital bliss will be great and far superior to the short lived thrill of being able to say, “I could have told you so.”

Embrace The Difference Between The Sexes

Let me share with you those rewards. If I keep my cool and refuse to let this situation hurt my feelings, I will experience his missing me, which is flattering. I will experience his longing for me, which is also flattering but, more importantly, his longing for me will deepen my yearning for him. When we finally have the time to be alone, conversation will be deep and meaningful as we share our experiences born of the recent separation and our lovemaking will be fun and especially satisfying!

Do you see? There is so much more satisfaction awaiting me by allowing, even embracing, this particular expression of the differences between the sexes. Your relationship is a daily laboratory for growing more love when you take potential problems and turn them into opportunities instead.

Next time you find yourself caught in the battle of the sexes, try slowing down to find the opportunity in it. The pay off could be delightful!

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The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions

“I am only telling you this because I love you.” Ah, the words of friends and family. Sometimes they have the best intentions. They may see something in your partner to which you have turned a blind eye. But sometimes, they just can’t see past their own opinions—such views that may have nothing to do with your partner at all. So what if your family thinks he is pompous or your friends think she is ditzy? This input has a way of crawling into your mind, taking hold, and poisoning a relationship. There are times when you need to listen to those you love (such as when they are worried for your safety, money, job, or other factors which do not involve “but you’re too good for him/her!”) and there are times when you need to tell them to butt out. Keep in mind, however, if it is not just one or two people but your whole clan warning you away…you may want to pay a little attention.

Video Game Break Up Box

“Just another minute, I’m close to beating this level!” Archaeologists will someday look back on our generation and refer to the computer or Wii as the Break-up Box. “Many people of long ago (particularly the males) used to get so absorbed within the workings of this strange device that it would drive away the partner and sever the relationship altogether. Fascinating!” they will ruminate. It is no surprise that, when doing a Google search of “World of Warcraft” and “divorce,” there are nearly a million hits. A person can become so engaged with a game that he or she will lose focus of what is really important. Don’t be that guy.

Getting Too Comfortable

“Can we please go out or something?” One of the best parts of being in a relationship is feeling so comfortable with another person that you do not have to get dressed up, you do not have to entertain them at all times, you can just…be…you. Yet this is one of the biggest traps into which a couple can fall. A person can become so comfortable in his or her relationship that they stop caring about their appearances, take their partner for granted, and may even become an outright bore. When this happens, it becomes very difficult for the girl/boyfriend to want to remain in that relationship. It is not just possible, but likely, if you are not careful. While you can certainly allow comfort into the relationship, don’t let it become the entire relationship.

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Yet we are often told too much of a good thing can’t last. Relationships are no different. If you are not careful, this budding state of like could implode, leaving you wondering just what the heck went wrong. Here are some ways to ensure your relationship lasts beyond the initial obsession.

The #1 Mistake People Make In A New Relationship

The biggest and most common mistake people just starting a relationship make is to ignore friends. They begin spending all of their time with the significant other and forget about the lives they used to live before. When you shirk your friends in favor of the new girlfriend, not only will it make them mad…but it can also put your newfound status in danger. You need friends to remind you that she is, in fact, not a deity worthy of your worship. Moreover, the time away (not matter how brief) can be helpful to the future of your relationship.

Along those lines, don’t quit your hobbies. Making out should not replace going to the gym or building furniture, if those are activities you love to do. It is understandable that your alone-time may be reduced when you begin opting to spend more time with her. But these hobbies should not disappear completely. Remember who and what you are. That sense of self should not fade away in order to accommodate someone new in your life.

Spending Time Apart From Your New Love

What if your hobby is traveling? Sure, keep it up! Going away for a weekend and being away from him will not kill you, I promise. You can even call once or twice while gone, just to make sure he remembers you. Even if you are not traveling, skipping the couple-time for a day or two when you are busy at work or under the weather will not break the relationship. It will actually strengthen it, because you will have some time apart.

Why is time apart so important? The main problem with the intense passion of a new relationship is that it can so quickly burn out those involved. They may be happy spending every minute together…until they are suddenly annoyed with the mere presence of the other. But when you have mini-breaks, you will appreciate this person more, look forward to seeing them, and will not soon take him or her for granted.

The last thing to remember is that, early on, you may feel compelled to talk about the future of your relationship, make plans for next year, or even talk right away about marriage. Try hard to avoid these kinds of conversations until you have pulled out of this phase. These moves can very quickly push a relationship into a later stage, for which neither of you may be ready. Instead, wait to talk about such topics until you can, say, get through a day of not seeing her without crying.

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You see, mama’s boys are not that way because their mothers smothered them. Men grow up to be mama’s boys because they missed out on an invitation from their fathers to enter the father’s sphere of influence in their teenage years. Now, having missed that invitation, the relationship with the mother is quite complex. Some do make mom the most important woman in their lives. Others grew up power struggling with their moms, turning into macho men and even bullies as a result of their confusion over their role in their mother’s and their father’s lives. How a man relates to both parents directly affects his relationship with his woman.

Another type of mama’s boy looks like the perfect man who is capable of being there for his wife and children. Except that he tends to smother his wife and kids! Even another type comes across as an insecure teenager, even when he’s in his forties or fifties, needing his woman to reaffirm his masculinity at every turn.

So, how do you handle an adult mama’s boy, no matter which type you are in a relationship with? Here are nine action steps that can make a difference.

9 Steps For Dealing With An Adult Mama’s Boy

1. Refrain from acting like his mother. This means treating him like a grown man who can take care of the details of his life without you intruding there. This is probably the most important piece of advice. It is also the one you can do the most with because it has to do with controlling your own behavior in order to create positive change outside yourself.

2. Stay out of the middle between him and either parent. Mama’s boys attract women who are willing to go to bat for them, let him handle those relationships.

3. Call forth his masculine greatness. When he takes action meant to provide for you, protect you, impress you, or turn you on – acknowledge it glowingly!

4. Don’t nag. Learn how to express your needs and desires as you would with a peer. Nagging demeans both the giver and receiver. And it aggravates the mama’s boy quality that aggravates you!

5. Recognize that you are part of the problem. He was attracted to you in the first place because of your “mothering” energy. Even if you think you are the opposite of his mother, does he hope you will “mother” him the way she never could?

6. Expect him to be your equal, your lover, your man. The expectation will determine your own behavior as well as call forth the best in him.

7. If he speaks to you in a needy tone, respond as if he didn’t. Don’t feed the little boy energy. Don’t respond in a tone that corrects his neediness. Simply respond neutrally or with a positive tone that ignores his implied need.

8. Remember that there are times when each of you needs to be able to be the weaker one in the relationship, depending on the other to be the strong shoulder. This isn’t about the mama’s boy struggle, it’s about depending on each other.

9. Remember, too, that for adults, sex is play. It’s where we get to revisit the childhood joy of just full out enjoying ourselves. As long as it isn’t a turn off, let each other’s inner child come out to play some when it comes to sex.

Understanding Mama’s Boys

Sitting down a mama’s boy to have a discussion about his personality and how it doesn’t work for you is the most ineffective way of handling the situation. It puts you in the role of mama to his little boy who just can’t get it quite right.

As a mama’s boy, his patterns of behavior and speech are not only deeply ingrained, he got stuck there as a kid because he loved his parents and tried to be who they needed him to be. No one realized they were messing with his future romantic happiness. He doesn’t need to be treated like a victim! He needs to be treated like a man.

I said the most important piece of advice was to refrain from acting like his mother. The second most important piece of advice is that you are a part of the problem. He was attracted to you for a reason. The loving and nurturing energy you carry is delightful for everyone, dangerous for the two of you. However, this is good news because you can do something about it without overtly trying to control or dominate him.

Pay attention to the variety of ways you pour mothering energy over him and determine which expressions of that are healthy and which get you into trouble. Then stop the ones that get you into trouble! For instance, if around the house he has a habit of calling out to you when he wants you; with you leaving whatever it is you’re doing to go to him to find out what he wants, stop it! Little boys can’t be bothered to get up and go find mom, they call her to them. A pleasant, “I can’t hear you!” hollered back at him will result in his getting up to find you.

Or if he wants you to get him a beer, try a pleasant, “I’m not coming that way anytime soon.” The assumption you make is that he is a grown man who can take care of himself. It reduces the power struggles that aggravate the mama’s boy stuff and makes your life together sweeter.

I’ve seen too much advice out there telling you to dump him. These guys are too large in number and their hearts are too big to give up on. Give these nine actions steps a chance – you’re both worth it!

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Question: Every time I leave my girlfriend to let her go home it makes me worry about her constantly. You could say that I’m over protective. I would like to know if it’s it good to be over protective?

–YouTube Viewer

Is Your Partner Really Unsafe?

Some people have had some sort of trauma in their past or even a bad relationship that causes them to be overprotective of their next partner. They maybelieve their partner is truly unsafe. Most of the time, however, your partner isn’t unsafe and doesn’t need protecting. Calling them all the time when they’re out, asking where they were or who they were with and keeping tabs on them isn’t going to make them any safer, it’s going to make them angry and frustrated. Take a look at your situation and ask yourself, if your partner is really in danger or not. Chances are, they’re not.

Are You A Control Freak?

Many people prefer to be in control in different situations, and others like to be in control of every situation. If your partner likes to go out on their own, you may feel anxious or upset at not being able to be in control of what happens when your partner is gone. Calling or texting your partner a lot while they’re out, grilling them about what they did or even giving them a “curfew” can help you feel like you’re back in control of the situation. Unfortunately, while you may feel less anxious by being able to keep tabs on your partner, they’re going to be upset with you for not feeling like they have freedom in their own situations. They may also feel like you don’t trust them.

Overcoming The Need To Feel In Control

Being a control freak or feeling the need to be in control of almost every situation isn’t healthy. It’s definitely something you want to try to overcome. Having the need to feel in control of everything can cause problems in your relationships, and even end them. Many a relationship have ended because one partner is controlling or too overprotective of the other. Think about why you feel the need to be in control or be protective of your partner, and try to figure out the root of the problem. Try to learn to relax a little bit when your partner goes out and resist the urge to call all the time or give them a certain time to be home or check in with you. You’ll find that your partner will most likely come home safe and sound, and will be relieved that you weren’t keeping tabs on them. You can overcome being a control freak on your own, but it never hurts to seek counseling so you can have someone to talk it through with.

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Show Her How Much You Care About Her Son

If there is any one way to make his mother like you, it is this. Deep down, all she really wants is for him to be with someone who will love him and appreciate him like she does. Just saying, “Gosh, I really care about your son” won’t be enough. You need to show her by holding his hand, smiling at him, laughing with and complimenting him. Even when he’s not around, brag about him to her. Yet this shouldn’t be purely show for her benefit. These are things you should genuinely be doing anyways because, well, you do care for him.

Never, Never, Never Make Her Choose Sides

Your arguments do not and should not involve her. You should never call her after a fight or try to get sympathy from her. Not only will she always choose her son over you, but this will be the fastest way to make her dislike you.

Get To Know Her

She is not just a mother. There are many more aspects to her personality and her being. Talk to her about her hobbies, her job, her other kids, what she does in her spare time. If your relationship becomes more permanent, you will be around her a lot. Getting to know her early on will create more of a familial bond which can be very rewarding in the future. If possible, spend some alone-time with her, over lunch or while doing a fun activity together.

Compliment Her

Yeah, you may want to suck up a bit. Tell her you like the pretty scarf she’s wearing. Comment on the beautiful new dining room table. Relay some of the nice things your boyfriend has told you about her. Go for the golden compliment and tell her what a great job she did in raising her son. Even if she sees right through your plan, she will appreciate that you want her to like you.

Involve Your Boyfriend

This is probably the sneakiest and least heartfelt ways of getting her to like you, but if all else is failing, have your boyfriend talk you up. Next time he calls her or visits her without you around, ask him (or bribe him) to tell his mom some of the reasons why he likes you. If she sees her son is happy, she will be more likely to give you a chance.

Be Yourself

There’s a reason your boyfriend loves you, right? Heck, there are probably lots of reasons. Don’t get down on yourself, trying to impress his mom. Chances are, she’ll see why her son is crazy about you, without you even putting forth a special effort.

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Whoa, what? The future? Babies? Slow down there, missy! It’s natural for expectations to be high in the beginning of a new relationship. Before tension enters the picture, you can imagine all manners of a life together. You can easily see yourselves growing old together. But just as important as it is to want the relationship to sustain, it is equally so that you hold back before you send the man running into the night, wearing nothing but his unmentionables and a horrified expression.

How Do You Know If You’re Rushing The Relationship?

You are pushing to meet his family.

Getting to know the family is a very private affair, reserved only for the best of the best. He will not want to bring home every girl he dates for a month or two. He wants to wait to see if this will last before subjecting her to scrutiny from his mother. Let him call the shots on this one. He’ll know when the time is right.

You call and/or text much more than him.

You wake up and text, “Good morning.” He replies, asks how you’re doing. You follow up with three texts about a dream you had. He sends a curt “That’s nice.” At lunchtime, you call to see what he’s up to, to ask what he’s going to eat, to tell him you’re thinking of him. Then you call on your drive home to talk to him again. When he doesn’t answer, you send a text, asking where he is. That night, you send four more texts…and so on. Unless you are receiving a near equal amount of replies or he makes the effort to call you as much as you are calling him, your constant attention is probably smothering him.

You talk about the (distant) future.

Rather than planning the weekend, you are starting to plan your future in your mind. It’s good to feel optimistic that there could be a future for you two lovebirds…but don’t start wedding-dress shopping just yet. The quickest way to scare a man off is to have the “Where do you see this going?” talk too soon. Wait until you have more time together under your belt.

You want to see him every day.

Much like calling or texting too much, trying to see him every day will get old quickly. Not only could he (and you!) start to get burned out on all the couple-time, but he will think you are the possessive type by keeping him from seeing his friends. You each had a life before the other came along. Keep living that life. As you start to progress (naturally, without one person rushing it forward), you will start to develop a life that involves the two of you more. Enjoy this last bout of freedom, because if all goes well, it won’t last forever.

How to Get or Find a Girlfriend

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However, this sense of freedom is a bit of a Catch-22. No one is around to keep you on your toes. Yet these behaviors can stop possible mates from wanting to be around, keeping you on your toes. It is up to you to spot and fix these relationship-sabotaging behaviors.

Wild Child

No one expects (or wants!) you to be subdued on a Friday night at the bar. You can let loose and have fun. However, know the social limits. Every guy wants to be with that girl who will crack a joke, do a funny dance, and laugh too much. However, it is the rare man who wants to bring the drunk girl—the one flashing her bra and starting fights—home to meet his family. A woman will not look at the man groping the butts of random women and think, “I’m going to marry that guy someday.”

Pigpen

Your home is your own private area; but if you are not careful, it will ensure you never have to share it with anyone else. Say you’re on a date. You find yourself rounding the bases at light speed and you bring the date back home with you. If he or she walks in and sees piles of garbage on the coffee table or cockroaches eating the leftover food on your counter, it will be very difficult to feel passionate. Not only could it ruin your night…it could ruin your chances of this date becoming something more permanent.

Furthermore, your personal hygiene will be a big roadblock if it is not up to par. It’s easy to fall back on certain things, if you don’t have that somebody around to impress. Maybe you don’t shower as often as you could. Or maybe you only shave your legs in the summer (sound familiar?). Or maybe you don’t iron your wrinkly clothes. However, if you act as if you don’t love yourself, as if you’re not proud of your appearance, potential mates will notice.

Busy Bee

One of the best pieces of advice for people looking for love is to get involved and be busy. Being out and about, working on your hobbies is a great way to meet like-minded people. However, have you become so accustomed to filling your schedule that you are unable to free up time if necessary? If a person asks you out, but you must repeatedly reschedule or “take a rain check,” he or she will not wait around forever. Learn the art of downtime.

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This year’s Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress winners at the 82nd Academy Awards, Sandra Bullock and Mo’Nique, are powerful women happily married to powerful men – men who are not intimidated by their women’s successes.

Fortunately for us, Sandra and Mo’Nique were interviewed repeatedly prior to and following the Oscars where they unsuspectingly shared relationship advice. When you listen to someone who has created a successful love partnership, the way they talk about their beloved reveals secrets the rest of us can use to improve our own love stories.

In addition, this winter saw the movie “The Young Victoria” making its way around the country. Within that little gem is a world of advice for how to love a powerful woman. Based on the early years of Queen Victoria’s reign (the Victoria for whom “Victoria’s Secret” is named), we watch the young beauty fall in love with her handsome Prince Albert – a man who would never be called king – and watch them navigate how to love and be loved in these roles that demand she be his superior in every way.

Prince Albert was no puppet. He masterfully and with great masculine expression, made a place for himself in the palace and in his wife’s heart. “The Young Victoria,” like interviews with Sandra and Mo’Nique, accomplishes what it did not set out to do; it gives us advice for how to love a powerful woman.

Relationship Advice From Some Of The Most Powerful Women

Women, respect your men. In this 21st Century, it’s easy to not appreciate what it costs a man to be in a relationship with a powerful, successful woman. Regardless of how the world measures your and his accomplishments, he is worthy of your respect because he loves you – even adores you. Respect him.

Have a sincere interest in his work and interests. Nothing says, “I love and respect you” quite like having a genuine curiosity in the interests of another. It makes him feel seen and heard.

Mo’Nique makes this provocative statement,” “I don’t think that anyone should be in control of a relationship. I think that if you have a woman that controls her man, he is a puppet and he is weak.” But ladies, the attempt to control him begins with you. If you don’t want to be a tyrant in your relationship, if you want it to feed and nurture you, then respect him.

Advice For Men

Men, have your own work and interests. There are hundreds of ways to love and support her. While you may be content to be the moon that orbits around her as sun, most of you will thrive best if you have your own work and interests.

Know your place in her life. Depending on just how successful she is she may have a posse or entourage of folks who take care of her. Those kinds of relationships can get sticky – a little dysfunctional with various people longing to have a place in her heart that usurps all others. Don’t allow it. You don’t have to go to war with anyone who would like to position themselves between the pair of you. You simply have to know that you are her husband (or lover) and that no one can take your place. Taking that stand, you simply won’t engage with those who would like to be superior to you in her heart.

Protect her and provide a safe space from the slings and arrows of life. Because of a woman’s natural ability to multi-task and see a big picture, she can take on entirely too much, attempting to make too many people happy, feeling like the Great Mother to people who both have their own mothers and are perfectly capable adults themselves! Your ability to focus can help her make time for herself and for the both of you to have time to rest and relax and to feel safe and secure.

In her Golden Globe acceptance speech, Sandra had this to say to her husband, Jesse James, “There’s no surprise that my work got better when I met you because I never knew what it felt like for someone to have my back, so thank you.”

For Both Of You

Finally, work together for both of you to accomplish your goals. Rather than treat the stuff of her life as more important than yours, view your separate and mutual interests as equally valid and do whatever it takes for both of you to win in your careers.

At one point in the movie, Victoria and Albert are drenched from running in the rain, undressing each other back in their private quarters. She clings to him, looks him in the eyes and says, “We will take care of each other, won’t we.” More of a statement than a question, it’s a delicious moment between lovers who are equals in their hearts and souls, unencumbered by the demands of the gifts of their lives that put them in the roles of Queen and Prince.

If you love a powerful woman or if you are a powerful woman in love with a man who loves you, the two of you been gifted with a rare opportunity to contribute to this world and to love each other in a unique and abiding way. Know that you are not alone on this journey; other couples have and do traverse it well. And remember to have fun!

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My desk is a great example of how things become so easily ignored – all around me are photos of the people who are important to me, trinkets that have some sentimental value, cards given to me by loved ones, a medallion that Mother Theresa blessed, a small statue of the Buddha, and so forth. And yet even right now, my focus will wander onto other things, and I’ll completely fail to see what’s right in front of me. However, it has to be said that I’ve come a long way – these days I don’t need the wake-up call as frequently as I used to, simply because I have stayed committed to being present and staying awake, and I’m thankful that I’ve been able to make progress on that front.

Awake!

But of course the reason I react so strongly to the familiar sirens now is because it’s personal for me – I used to be that person who stayed in the comfort zone until something came and forcibly shook me out of it from time to time. I was spiritually asleep, and these interruptions would suddenly show me the temporary and fragile nature of life. I would get a fleeting glimpse of what it was like to be awake, only to slip back into slumber again.

In the end, however, it’s these wake-up calls that have transformed me over time, and now that I know what to look for and how to respond, this has helped me stay awake for more of the time. If I have a day where I wake up feeling sore, it’s just my body telling me to take it easy for a day or so – it’s not a reason to complain or make excuses for my age. If I don’t always get what I want, rather than looking for someone to blame or playing the victim or doubting my competence, instead I just keep on living, knowing that good things are on their way, perhaps even better than what I originally asked for. When I lost my father to a heart attack, it became clear to me that I should never deny myself the opportunity to love, even when I have not been loved in the way I wanted. Unfortunately, that was a lesson learned the hard way.

I do sometimes think that I’d like staying awake to be easier, that it can be a hassle sometimes to have to constantly be vigilant and try to stay present for the important things. It’s like the old Zen tale of all the masters gathering to discuss where to hide the Key of Life. One suggests that they could hide it at the bottom of the ocean, but the others say it would be too easy to find there. Another suggests the top of a mountain, but again the others dismiss this option. Finally, after much discussion, they finally realize where the best place to hide the key is, the place where humans would never think to look - inside themselves.

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Did you know that women do to other women what they do to men? They try to control, rescue, and fix their friends. I don’t know how other women react to it but I don’t like it. I have a mother. She’s the perfect mother for me and I don’t need another woman attempting to fill that role. Gentlemen, does this sound familiar?

Depending on which woman friend in my life attempts to control, rescue, or fix me determines the degree to which I feel humiliated by her efforts. Some friends are so endearing in their approach that I can’t resist them. To be perfectly honest, when I get in the same mothering mode, I try to be as endearing as possible! I admit it is sheer manipulation meant to make me feel better about interfering in my friends’ (or my husband’s) lives. Yet I can fall for the manipulation when it’s delivered in a sweet and loving way.

Manipulation vs. Sheer Will 

Today, I felt manipulated in a way that irritated me. A friend interrupted my attempts to clean up after a social event. I thought I was done clearing away trash and had washed my hands. She had more to add to the garbage bag. Because I mentioned I’d washed my hands, she tried to take the task away from me whereas I’d resigned myself to complete the task and just wash my hands again. She argued with me and tried to physically take over. I wouldn’t let her and as I was finally finishing up, she shoved one of those hand gels in front of my face to rescue me from having to rewash my hands! I chuckled and said, “No thank you. I’d just as soon wash them again.” She sort of stormed away at that point.

Why didn’t I just let her take over? Because I took pride in the task and wanted to take care of it myself. With each attempt on her part to rescue me, I felt increasingly manipulated and patronized. If you are a woman reading this article, you might not be able to empathize. But if you are a man reading this article, I bet you understand. It feels awful to have a woman try to mother you by attempting to control, rescue, or fix you. When you are handling any situation, you don’t need rescuing. And if you need help, you will ask for it!

So, to help my female readers gain some empathy with a man on this issue, let me put it another way. Chances are you have someone in your life that makes you feel patronized every time she belittles your efforts, tries to rescue you as though you are a child, or attempts to make you better by making you over in her image. If you will bring that person to mind and remember what it feels like to be treated thus, I guarantee you can empathize with your man when he resents your attempts to make him better – or make him over.

When Women Manipulate Men

For my gentleman readers, if you have a lady in your life who tries to control, rescue, or fix you; pay attention the next time she complains about the manipulative woman in her life. Then the next day (not in the same conversation), gently and lovingly say, “Would you like for me to confide in you something that is very tender for me? Something that makes me feel vulnerable with you? Sometimes you want me to open up. I have something to share but I need you to really listen to me. Are you ready?”

She’ll look at you with big, puppy dog eyes ready to lap up this self-disclosure. Depending on her personality, you may have to add, “Now, this may strike you as offensive but if you’ll stay with me, I think we can help each other and improve our relationship. Would you like to try?”

“YES!” she replies.

Then in your own words and as gently as possible tell her that the way she feels when her friend patronizes her is how you feel when she tries to ________ fill in the blank______.

When He Opens Up

If you are gentle and loving and if her heart is in the relationship, she ought to be able to hear you. Tempers might flare a little bit. But if you stay with wanting to let her know how you feel rather than make her wrong, you will go far with this. You can even say, “Listen, this is a problem all men have. It takes even less manipulation for us to feel the way you feel when your most manipulative friend does her number on you. I’m just laying it all out here. Because the more you trust me to be the man, to take care of things in my own way, the happier you will be because there will be less tension.”

I have one more piece of advice. If your woman is the kind who takes advantage of your opening up in order to dig really deep inside you, don’t let her. Assure her that this piece is huge. It’s enormous! If she will absorb the information and integrate it over the next several days, she will see how very much she has been given with this one self-revealing topic.

Ladies, if you can respect how meaningful this is and not require him to go deeper or share more, you’ll reap big benefits. In addition, within about twenty-four hours, you’ll have your new understanding tested as something happens and you find yourself itching to control, rescue, or fix him. The real work begins when you choose to not go there!

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As someone who holds the intention to stop blaming others, I’d completely overlooked the not-so-innocent habit of making comparisons, especially comparisons between men and women where women always come out on top! Comparisons such as women are better at nurturing relationships, better at communication, better at being thoughtful, better at anticipating relationship problems, better at taking action to solve those problems, etc. As relationship coaches and mentors, understanding the differences between men and women is part of our business! However, there is an important distinction between understanding differences and making evaluative comparisons.

Stop Playing The Blame Game

Then a friend of mine, Kaliana, expressed this thought at her blog, “Erase from your relationship ‘who is to blame’ and replace it with ‘how do we grow?’” Although the longer a relationship lasts, the more likely a couple is to atrophy into playing the blame game; some people carry it from one relationship to another. They sing the “S/he done me wrong” song on the first date and ever after until the next refrain is, “You done me wrong!” At any point in your relationship (or your life for that matter), you can learn to shift from the blame game to the joy and satisfaction game by asking yourself at every turn, “How do I/we grow?”

Blaming others shows up in many ways. I’ve already mentioned the comparison version. When women compare their men to themselves or their girlfriends and find the men lacking, the men wind up getting blamed for their masculine essence. On one of this year’s Super Bowl commercials, I heard the most amazing line from a man about his woman. It went something like this, “I will listen to you when you want to talk and not speak when what I want to say isn’t what you want to hear.” That’s insane! You don’t have to read between the lines, the not so hidden message is right there. Men, to make your women happy, don’t speak – ever; unless, of course, you plan to agree with her.

The commercial was funny but many couples’ lived reality isn’t. Any comparison that results in shutting down communication means somebody got blamed for being less than ideal – for being human.

Blame Without Words

More typical ways people play the blame game shows up in things like name calling, tone of voice, eye rolling, exiting the room, resentment filled sighs, etc. You know when you do that you’ve blamed your lover for something. If you’re sensitive at all you realize that you just struck a mean blow with the blame and now any further conversation will take a downhill turn before things can get better between you.

What you may not realize is that even when you think you’re keeping those little blame game behaviors private; such as rolling your eyes out of their view, claming the sigh means you’re just tired, or calling them names inside your head but not speaking it out loud, the blame game is still going on and suffering will ensue.

My friend’s antidote of asking how we can grow is genius! Oftentimes, the very thing that gets on your nerves today was something you once found charming. Asking how you can grow from this experience can get you back in touch with how you once perceived them and what you felt about them when you first fell in love. It can be a reminder that you don’t want to become one of those embittered couples that no one wants to be around.

How To Stop Blaming Your Partner

If you find yourself blaming your lover because he or she has gotten into the habit of taking you for granted, perhaps even being downright rude and mean, you can grow from the experience by exploring what in you has allowed yourself to be treated badly. If you find yourself blaming your lover because of the complex differences between men and women you can grow through making the choice to celebrate your differences instead.

If the blame game turns into one of those excruciating, cathartic fights, you can grow from choosing again to commit yourselves to love each other with expressions of loving kindness, compassion, empathy, and respect. You can grow each and every time you stop yourself at the blame game and make another choice. When you are vigilant about not playing the blame game, choosing instead to grow from the stuff that bothers you, you find you have a happy relationship, even a life, full of joy and satisfaction.

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You may have heard the news about Scott Roeder, who was recently found guilty of first-degree, premeditated murder. He admits to having shot Dr. George Tiller, and it only took the jury just over half an hour to reach a guilty verdict.

From the Associated Press: Scott Roeder had confessed publicly before the trial and admitted again on the witness stand that he shot Tiller in the head in the foyer of the Wichita church where the doctor was serving as an usher. He testified he felt the lives of unborn children were in “immediate danger” because of Tiller.

I cannot imagine the pain and emotional outrage the Tiller family must be going through right now. This kind of senseless loss is unfathomable, and as I think about this situation, I’m noticing my own prejudices coming to the surface. Putting emotions aside for the moment, I’m curious as to why we direct our anger toward the symptom rather than the illness.

Preventing Abortion?

How about instead of shooting the messenger, let’s analyze the message. If more women stopped using their insecurities and then their bodies to entice men into relationships, and if more men would take responsibility for their actions and, well, man up, perhaps the abortion rate wouldn’t be as high as it is. Sex is is not about playing around – it’s a responsibility, and becoming a parent is a possible outcome that needs to be taken very seriously. If we get in line with our inner wisdom, we would easily see that the equation is simple: if you want the enjoyment of sex, you have to accept the potential consequences, as well. Perhaps if we dealt with the buried issues that cause us to use sex as a bargaining chip, there would be less inclination to use abortion as birth control.

Biologically, the point of sex is reproduction, but if you look around at the number of kids with absent dads, it’s easy to see that people don’t really take their responsibilities seriously.

So what if instead of Pro-Life, America went Pro-DAD? Then the news might read more like this:

Across the country, men are suddenly stepping up to the plate, as the responsibilities of having sex finally become clear to them. They have finally begun to comprehend that their place as fathers is to personally show their children how to survive and get along in the world, while the mother takes on her role in teaching the children to love themselves. In this way, parents are now able to provide a situation in which they raise their children as a team, and create a dynamic of mutual respect where the child feel safe and secure. Without this partnership, a single mother struggles to meet all the needs of the child, both physically and emotionally. Men and women everywhere are coming to the conclusion that each of us has a responsibility to be honest about our actions. As a result, the abortion rate has dropped dramatically.

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Question: I have a question on long distance relationships. I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about 2 years now and we’ve been in a long distance relationship for about 6 months now. I live in Belgium and she lives in Canada. I’m 18 and she’s 16. What is your opinion on long distance relationships? Do you think we’re too young to have a committed relationship?

–YouTube Viewer

Too Young?

There really isn’t a “set age” for how old you have to be to be in a committed relationship. However, many teens are committing themselves to relationships with their partners before they’re even ready and this can often end in heartbreak. A person’s body – both mentally and physically – really isn’t ready to have a healthy, committed and happy relationship until at least the age of 26 and maybe even 27 or 28. Mentally and emotionally, we’re still growing before then. We’re still trying to figure out who we are and learning how to live in our own skin comfortably, and that can be difficult enough without adding another person to the equation. Getting into a committed relationship before you’re really ready – and have truly accepted yourself and grown into who you are as a person – can seem fine at first but can quickly turn disastrous. While some young people do have successful committed relationships, it is often not without struggle. Before you make a real committment to another person – long distance or not – make sure you’re really ready and don’t take the decision lightly.

Long Distance Relationships

Many people make long distance relationships work, but the most successful of these types of relationships are between two people have made plans to make the long distance part of the relationship a temporary one. Having an indefinite long distance relationship can be extremely difficult, and often doesn’t end well. If you haven’t already, consider making plans – even if that requires one or both of you to make some changes – to be together sometime in the not too distant future. The biggest hurdle you are going to face during a long distance relationship is not having any personal contact with your partner. Even a hug or a kiss makes a big difference in a relationship and goes a long way in making both you and your partner feel loved and valued. To make your long distance relationship work, make sure you and your partner are completely honest with each other. Having open and honest communication with your partner daily or as often as you can is the best way to try and keep your relationship afloat. Any dishonesty or a let down in communication will easily break the threads of the relationship, much more easily than if you and your partner were in a face to face relationship.

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Question: What do you do when you tell her how you feel about her but she says you deserve someone better?

–YouTube Viewer

She’s Letting You Down Easy

Sometimes women find it difficult to let a guy down if she doesn’t return his feelings. She doesn’t want to hurt him, so she finds a way to blame herself instead of just saying that she doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. This may be the case if you’ve revealed your romantic feelings for her and she’s told you that you “deserve someone better.” She may be too afraid to tell you the truth.

She Has Poor Self Esteem

Many women have poor self esteem and if she’s told you that you deserve someone better than her, she may really believe it. She may feel like she’s worthless, or that she doesn’t deserve a healthy, happy relationship. There are many reasons that a woman may feel this way and it has nothing to do with you. She may have had self esteem issues for years, stemming from childhood. It may have to do with her parents or an old, abusive boyfriend. It may even be more than one issue that contributes to her self esteem issues. Regardless of where her poor self esteem stems from, the end result is the same – she can’t commit to a relationship or even begin dating someone because she doesn’t feel like she deserves it. It can be difficult though, to figure out whether she’s telling you that you deserve someone better because she has low self esteem or because she’s trying to let you down easy.

Ask Her To Be Honest With You

The only way to find out what her true motivations are in this situation is to ask her to be truthful with you. Don’t be angry or critical – just be open with her and encourage her to be open and honest with you as well. Tell her that no matter what, you won’t judge her for whatever is going on in her life. Let her know that even if she doesn’t return your romantic feelings and that’s why she told you that you deserve someone better, you’ll understand and that you can be friends if she wants or nothing at all. If she truly has poor self esteem, it’s important to let her know that you want to be there for her and that she’s worth a good relationship. She may not respond right away, but showing that you care for her may lead to a friendship which may turn into a romantic relationship at some point when she feels ready.

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Question: I courted a girl 4 months ago and want her to be my girlfriend, but she still loves her ex-boyfriend. but she just told me that she has feelings for me. What should I do?

–Facebook Question

The Decision Is Up To Her

Like it or not, she is the one who will have to make the decision in this situation. Does she want to work things out with her ex-boyfriend (and this depends on the reason he’s her ex and not her current beau) or does she want to try having a brand new relationship with you? Unfortunately, there’s really nothing you can do to influence her decision except being supportive of her. Encourage her to sit down and really think about what she wants. This may be uncomfortable for you to do, but if you don’t support her thinking through this decision and she chooses you, you’ll forever wonder if she’s wishing she would have chosen him. She has to be sure.

Don’t Let Her Play Both Sides

A choice between two men she has feelings for is difficult, and many women in this situation have simply neglected to make a final decision. They end up riding the fence and being wishy washy – a way of getting their cake and eating it too. While you need to support her making a decision, allowing her to play both sides is only going to cause everyone involved pain and emotional damage. She needs to make a concrete decision and stick with it once she’s decided. If she chooses you, she needs to discontinue having contact with her ex-boyfriend. If she chooses him, do the right thing. Don’t call, don’t text and let her go.

Don’t Put Her On A Pedestal

When a guy finds a girl he really likes, it’s tempting to put her on a pedestal. It’s tempting to believe that she’s special, she’s different and she’s THE ONE. Even if she chooses another man over him, he’ll still try to contact her and be in her life in some form or another hoping against hope that she’ll eventually see they were meant to be together. This is only going to prevent you from finding someone who does want to be with you and try having a great relationship! If she chooses her ex-boyfriend, realize that she’s not the only fish in the sea. Sure, it’s going to sting. Allow yourself to feel disappointed, sad and even angry. These feelings are all normal. But at the end of the day, she’s not perfect – she’s human. There are lots of other great catches out there, ones that you may very well develop fulfilling and satisfying relationships with and who do choose to be with you.

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Instead of crossing your fingers and hoping that a journey of nine months will culminate in a wedding or at least a commitment, don’t you think it would be a better idea to find out now, before it’s too late, what kind of man he is and what you and your child would have to look forward to with him? It’s important to know if you’re with a man who understands the potential surprise consequences of sex, and feels an equal and unconditional responsibility no matter what the outcome.

In other words, it’s important to learn whether you have a boy, a guy, or a man.

A Boy

Boy sees girl, and the first thought in his head is what she would look like naked.

The girl introduces herself, and the boy immediately thinks that she wants him.

The girl gives the boy her phone number, and he’s starting to think that getting laid is a real possibility.

The girl agrees to a date, and the boy decides to bring a condom.

The girl allows a kiss, and the boy pushes it to second base.

The girl gives up and allows the touching, and the boy pushes on until he gets sex.

Sooner or later the girl wants a commitment, and which point the boy starts shopping for other girls.

This sort of story happens most often among teenagers, before either party has recognized their self-worth. Sometimes, however, the adult version of this scenario can have a lot of similarities.

A Guy

Guy sees gal, and immediately ponders what she would look like naked.

The gal smiles at him, and he knows she’s wanting him.

The gal says she’ll call the guy, but just to be safe he gives her his office voicemail.

The gal sets up a date, and the guy suggests early drinks on a Tuesday, just in case he needs to bail.

The gal pictures their future children, while the guy just hopes she doesn’t talk through the whole date.

The gal initiates sex, and the guy rehearses his story so he can get out of there as soon as possible.

The gal calls the guy constantly, while he thinks, I knew I should have bailed.

The gal writes him off as a typical male pig, while he wonders if she’d be game for some more sex.

A Man

Man sees woman, and wonders what she’s aiming for in her life.

The woman opens up a little to him, and the man wonders how genuine she is.

The man asks her out, and the woman accepts without hesitation.

The woman tells the man about her dreams and goals, and the man notes how much they have in common.

The woman notices over time that the man’s actions back up his words, he builds respect.

The man opens up to the woman completely, she drops her drawers.

The woman and man are honest with each other, and do their best to enhance each other’s lives!

To be close to someone is one of the most natural desires in the world, and along with that comes the desire to be touched, to be held, and to have sex. We are all on our own paths of growth, and when we start to want to build a relationship, it’s important to remember the differences between boys, guys and men, even if children aren’t involved.

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How Self-Care Benefits Your Relationship

Increased self-care leads to more self-love, creating a kinder, more receptive you. Receptivity is important to your relationship whether you are male or female because your lover feels secure with you when he or she trusts that you won’t reject him or her.

Increased self-care and self-love creates a more confident you. Confident people are sexy! Confident people also go to bat more easily for those they care about. That makes you very attractive to your partner and makes them feel good about themselves and about you. For instance, a confident man will go to bat on behalf of his woman if ever she is disrespected by another. A confident woman will go to bat on behalf of her man by affirming him in her conversation with others. Confidence can build trust and grow love.

The more you actively care for yourself, the less needy you are of others. Spouses love this! The less needy you are, the more time and energy your have for the stuff of relationships that creates bonding and deepening of your love! Trust me, a big fight or emotional session brought on out of need strains a relationship. It doesn’t deepen the intimacy! Making love, having adventures, loving conversation, and discovering new places together are just some of the stuff of relationships that creates bonding and greater intimacy.

Increased self-care leads to greater awareness of where others are “at.” As you grow your sensitivity to your own needs, you can become down right psychic about the needs of others. This doesn’t mean you go around rescuing everyone because you can more easily “read” them. It looks more like being able to acknowledge where they are in such a way that they feel seen and heard and can more confidently handle whatever’s going on. Rather than seeing you as a rescuer, they experience you as someone who has their back.

Increased self-care means that you slowly but surely get more comfortable saying “no” to the things, people, and circumstances you really have no business taking on. Supportive types especially are prone to offer support beyond their ability to provide, resulting in resentment and grudges held. One of the most beautifying things a supportive person can do for him or herself is to learn to calmly and peacefully say “no.”

Being able to say “no” also means your “yes” means “yes” and your “no” means “no.” No wishy-washiness. No saying “yes” only to find you’ll come to resent everything and everyone associated with that “yes.” This level of integrity makes others trust you more. And trust is good for relationships.

What Does Self Care Look Like?

It looks like just about anything that brings you pleasure! Some people take the word and apply it to getting caught up with doctors’ appointments or eating right or exercising more. Well, I think all that stuff is about being responsible. For self-care I look at things like bubble baths, favorite foods, petting my dog or cat, enjoying a belly laugh with my husband, the way the air smells after a big snowfall, the way the rain sounds when its drops are big and fat, taking time out for me, a good book. Self-care also means going through life slowly and sensitively enough to recognize when I’m hurting or “off” so that I can stop and address my need.

Do you see? It’s just taking the time for the stuff that brings me pleasure and paying attention to my needs the way I would anyone else’s. It’s simple but it’s hard to do when I’m putting everyone and everything else first. And when I don’t do it, my relationships suffer because I feel taxed and resentful.

I don’t know if I’ve persuaded you but if you even take a few moments out of each day to slow down, breathe deeply, and be present with something – the food you’re eating or the way the air smells at whatever season it is or the touch of someone’s hand in yours – and take in the sensual and emotional pleasure of being present just because you’re worth it, you will find that your eyes twinkle just a little bit more at the sight of your beloved. That twinkle can warm the cockles of their heart (whatever “cockles” are!). That twinkle in your eye and the warmth in their heart can fan the flames of your love and attraction for each other.

You, your relationship, and the person you love best of all are worth you taking care of you!

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Addictive Love

On the surface it would seem that addiction is a different thing entirely, but it’s surprising how much these two ideas can overlap. There are two levels of meaning for addiction – one is the etymological root, addictio, which simply indicates a surrender or giving something over. In modern times, however, we interpret this more as an enslavement, habits or practices so traumatically habit-forming that the person caught in the habit sustains lasting and significant psychological or physical damage. This puts addictive love on its own level, and as you can imagine it can lead to some pretty dangerous places if it is left to its own devices.

Thomas Moore, the author and spiritual leader, maintains that most of our addictive behaviors are brought on by us misinterpreting and distorting our soul’s longing. Over the years I have come to notice that when we are not truly in touch with who we are, we don’t really know what we want or need. This can lead to us regressing to comfort behaviors we learned in childhood – potentially destructive ways to deal with perceived longings. In the case of being externally referenced in the “object love” catagory, oftentimes this can set us up for entering into addictive relationships again and again.

Being repetitive in itself is not a bad, thing, however – many of our successes count on us being able to engage in and repeat positive patterns. It’s when the repetitious behavior is destructive or harmful that we need to identify it and do something about it. If we can spot it, we can take the opportunity to look more deeply inward and examine our actions.

Are You In An Addictive Relationship?

How boring is that, though? In a world full of interesting bad boys promising fun and adventure, opting for less drama may seem like the wrong choice… at first. If you are starting to suspect that you are one of the hundreds of thousands of people who engage in addictive relationship behavior each year, you might want to ask yourself the following:

• Do you feel excited by a sense of the forbidden in your relationship?
• Do you get antsy or agitated when you don’t know where this person is?
• Do you feel like your attraction for this person is beyond your control or bigger than you?
• Are you overcome with a natural high whenever you speak to this person?
• Have you noticed that this persons values and behaviors are not like yours?
• Do you find yourself rationalizing their behavior more and more as time goes on?
• Do you find yourself doing and saying uncharacteristic things when you are around this person?
• Do you go to extreme lengths to please this person or be sexy for them, hoping that they will remain interested in you?
• Do you find reasons to stay in the relationship even though you know it’s unhealthy or even a dangerous addiction?
• Have some of your other important relationships (family, friends) been damaged by this relationship?
• Do you feel increasingly unfulfilled by the direction the relationship is heading?
• Do you know somewhere inside that this is not the right person for you, yet you still don’t leave?

Being aware is important, and it’s a great starting point if you think you may be addicted to your relationship. Having the strength to look at your own situation in an objective way takes a lot of courage. So here’s what I would say: if you are in a dependent relationship that you think edges over toward addiction, start keeping a journal and make note of anything that seems suspicious to you. There are plenty of groups out there that help people deal with the patterns that lead to addictive relationships, and they can help support you in your quest to attain a healthy love life. If you’re at a loss for where to start, find a local chapter of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

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What Is Financial Infidelity?

What I call “financial infidelity” (and which I talk about extensively in the book Financial Infidelity) can take on many different forms. It can be as simple and mundane as keeping $20 for yourself when you go to deposit a check or it can be as complicated and public as keeping a woman in every city. The basic idea underlying financial infidelity is that it’s something you’re trying to keep from your significant other. To some, a $20 withdrawal may not be a big deal but if that’s beyond what you’ve discussed in your personal relationship as being over the limit then it’s a form of financial infidelity.

Staying financially faithful can look different at different phases of a relationship. If you haven’t been together for that long, for example, your conversation would be different than a couple who’s been together for years. You might start by doing things like:

• Ask questions about how money has been used in their family: worries, abandonment, shame, blame around money.
• Asking questions like this will eliminate any problems or irreconcilable differences, and is a way to see who is flexible and who is not, in reference to money and power, and struggles over money.
• Do a budget for yourself (if you don’t already have one) to help answer some of these questions for yourself.
• As you move forward in your relationship, have money talks weekly to minimize financial infidelity.

Reward Yourself For Fidelity

A couple who’s been together longer would go more in-depth and be up front about how you and your partner are dealing with money without shame and blame or judgement. Do a budget and if you are a spender you will see how different it is to pay your bills. Give yourself a reward – not money – if you follow this. Spend time at home re-prioritizing, which costs nothing. And again, have money talks weekly to minimize financial infidelity.

I encourage you to find a system that works for you and talk to your partner about money and financial expectations. Here’s to an open, honest and successful 2010!

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Question: My best friend’s girlfriend has feelings for me, and my best friend knows it but he still loves her anyway. I fear that her liking me is destroying their relationship because they are fighting all the time. I don’t want them to break up because of me, because they make the perfect couple. I need your help – what should I do?

–YouTube Viewer

What Can You Do?

Unfortunately, there is not a single thing you can do about how someone feels about you. You can’t change or stop their feelings, so if she likes you and has feelings for you, there’s nothing you can do to change that. So ask yourself these questions – Are you egging it on? Are you flirting with her and leading her to believe there is something going on between you? Or are you simply just aware that she has feelings for you? Everyone enjoys flirting, and it can be fun when someone likes you, even if you don’t plan on taking it any further than flirting. But in this instance, flirting back with her can be detrimental, no matter if you want to start a relationship with her or not.

It’s Time For A Sit Down

Everyone in this situation needs to have a sit down, heart to heart talk. Everything needs to get out in the open, because feelings that are closeted can only make a situation worse. Sit down with your friends at home, in a comfortable and familiar environment that is not in public. Don’t have this conversation over dinner in a public place! Have a few drinks to relax if you will, but anyone that has too many at this point is simply a ticking time bomb. Let everyone have a chance to speak here, because everyone is involved. Listen to your friend and his girlfriend, and keep an open mind.

Two Choices To Make

If you return your best friend’s girlfriends feelings, it makes the situation a bit more complicated. Both you her have a choice to make in this situation. Each of you must choose the relationship you value the most, and begin to pursue only that relationship. If you value the relationship with your best friend more than you wish to pursue a relationship with his girl, it’s important that you keep her out of your life as much as possible. If you want to try your hand at having a relationship with the girl, it’s time to say goodbye to your best friend. Unfortunately, in this situation, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. There’s no way you can pursue a relationship with her, nor can she pursue a relationship with you, without losing your best friend. Take some time to think about what really matters to you here and what you feel is the most important, because you might need to make a sacrifice that will change your life.

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Ben’s statement, however, hides a priceless piece of relationship advice. When a man loves a woman, he longs to make her happy. In the beginning of the relationship, this can be sweetly evident. It’s like there aren’t enough thoughtful things he can do for her! From opening doors to paying attention to her favorite foods so he can order for her to running interference on her behalf, he just wants to make her happy and it is as if his happiness depends on it.

His Happiness Depends On Your Happiness

His happiness does depend on it and this is why as time goes by, his attempts to make her happy can cause frustration for them both. The better they get to know each other, the more complicated it becomes for him to make her happy and the harder she makes it for him to make her happy. How does this happen? How does a couple go from, “He’s so sweet and thoughtful,” to “He’s driving me crazy?” Let me paint a picture from my own life to answer that question that any reader, male or female, will likely recognize.

Recently, my husband, Joseph, and I had lunch with some friends who kind of make me nutty. It’s just a personality conflict. However, these friends are only in my life because of him. They were his friends first. Whenever we see them, once he and I are alone together again, I invariably have to process the interactions that took place between them and me. As the years have gone by, I have learned to process my feelings about these interactions using “I” statements. So, I make my problems with them as much about me and as little about them as possible. Truly, because it is just a personality conflict and nothing personal, my issues are all about me, not them. So using “I” statements is the adult, responsible thing to do.

Processing Interactions

Years ago, before I was so mature, my processing events with these folks could result in an argument between Joseph and me. Invariably, I would feel as though I’d backed him into a corner where he had to choose between them and me; and then I’d be furious because in his defense of them I would feel tossed aside. Now that I use “I” statements, we don’t have those arguments. But the other day I realized I was talking and talking and talking out my process while he was remaining very quiet yet on the verge of laughing.

Finally, I squealed, “Why are you laughing at me?” He said, “I’m not laughing at you! I’m processing your process!” And I realized something important. Even with all the “I” statements, the fact that I always have to process these particular friends makes Joseph feel responsible for my happiness. Because he brought them into my life and because I’m not comfortable with them, to the point of having to process interactions, he feels as though he’s failed me. He needs to make me happy to even have a shot at being happy.

I used to think that men needed their women to like and respect all their friends and family in order to feel respected themselves. It was one of those this-is-how-you-protect-his-fragile-male-ego thing. Wow. I haven’t thought like that in so long that the sentence makes me want to gag! Yuck! I hate that manipulative way of perceiving men.

Let Him Make You Happy

That isn’t what’s going on. If his ego smarts at all when she disrespects his friends or family, it is because he’s stuck between a rock and hard place in his efforts to make her happy. He cannot give up all his friends and family who make her uncomfortable. That isn’t fair. At the same time, he cannot abide being responsible for her unhappiness. If his friends or family make her unhappy, he takes it on as his fault. And so, arguments ensue. If he can’t make her happy, maybe he can fix what’s wrong with her so that she can be happy. We all know that leads to even more conflict!

The answer to the problem: How does a couple go from, “He’s so sweet and thoughtful,” to “He’s driving me crazy!” is for both to realize what’s going on and just settle down. Making “I” statements settles down the energy. For instance, “I know it’s my problem and I feel badly about it but after awhile with them, I’ve just had enough.” “Me too! I’m the one who ended the evening early.” And then let it go. At this point, you’re on the same page. The energy is settling down. Continuing to run down the friends who make you nuts will only inflame it and risk an unnecessary argument.

So back to Ben’s hidden advice. He wants to make her happy. He really, really wants to make her happy. If she can accept the compliment, trusting his intention, appreciating his attempts and if he can understand that the longer they know each other the bigger a challenge it is to anticipate what will make her happy; then, they can learn how to communicate with each other so that his attempts to take care of her in this way are happily received by her, stoking the fire of their love.

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Carin Rubenstein, author of The Superior Wife Syndrome, says that two out of three marriages suffer from a set up between men and women where the wives feel as though it’s all up to them because they can do it all so much better. And the men let them do it all, giving up and giving in to the women’s superiority. Those marriages are not happy unions because the wives feel like martyrs and the husbands experience themselves as inadequate.

Do Lower Expectations Mean A Happier Marriage?

In the third of marriages that don’t suffer from this syndrome, Carin has observed that the wives in those marriages have lower expectations of their husbands than do the superior wives. Expectations such as how perfect the house is, when and how the lawn is maintained, when and how the family cars are serviced and cleaned, how the little children in the family are fed, bathed, and put to bed, etc. Rather than a lowering of expectations around the family’s morals or values, it has to do with the details of life that are aggravated by the differences between the sexes.

Joseph and I recently interviewed Carin Rubenstein for our podcast. As a result, we wound up in an on-air conversation about how understanding I am about the coffee rings I frequently find on the kitchen counter. In our house, Joseph is the only coffee drinker, by the way.

Later, a listener fired off a bunch of questions about why can’t a man just finally learn to clean off the counter? Although she was used to listening to us talk about the benefits of taking 100% responsibility for the results that show up in a relationship, as well as hearing us discuss the natural differences between the sexes, it frustrates her no end for men to be sloppy housekeepers and the women to have to either nag them about it, surrender to it, or clean up after them. It turns out this is a major source of conversation among her and her friends. They’re all suffering from it!

We talked with her about men we know who are excellent housekeepers but emotionally absent from their wives and children. That no one is perfect and there is always the necessity for compromise and letting go. With our perspective of taking 100% responsibility for the results of your relationships, a natural question for us to ask her was, “Why have you created a string of romantic relationships with men who were all sloppy housekeepers; and, if that matters to you, are you ready to create a different kind of man with which to fall in love?”

You Create Your Own Reality

As creator of your own reality, if you bear a grudge in general against the opposite sex, the universe will conspire to prove you correct and only bring men and women into your life who will confirm your worst beliefs about them! Which brings us back to my first paragraph, men and women who like the opposite sex understand the opposite sex and don’t need them to change very much. This very much affects living with the opposite sex.

Women who like men know that men think differently than they do and they don’t usually lose patience with that fact. Men are more focused than women. They like communication to get to the bottom line quickly. Whether they are good or sloppy housekeepers, there are always things they just don’t see because their focus is centralized, whereas women naturally see a bigger picture.

Men live in the present moment. Women anticipate the future. And so when a snow storm hits at Christmas and he’s tracking in snow, grit, and mud to free up the driveway and take care of downed branches, he isn’t thinking about Christmas coming and the need to have the house cleaned and picked up for the sake of the holidays and company coming. After all that hard work, he wants to relax with the paper and call it a day.

How Superior Wife Syndrome Can Ruin Your Relationship

If his woman has the superior wife syndrome, it makes her nuts that he can’t read her mind, understand what’s required to get comfortably through the holidays, anticipate her needs, the children’s needs, and the soon to be company’s needs. If his marriage is one of the happy third not suffering from this syndrome, his wife appreciates all the hard work going into freeing the driveway of snow and the yard of branches and, frankly, happily works around him.

She’ll ask for a helping hand here and there but not with an attitude that, were it put into words, would sound something like, “Listen, you jerk. There’s a lot to get done around here, can’t you see that?” That martyred mind-set is the purview of superior wives whose husbands have given up because they can neither read their wives’ minds nor think like women think. It just isn’t in their DNA. They do not have access to it.

Happily married people understand the differences between the sexes and either accept it and get used to it or they celebrate those differences. Either way, their expectations, compared to the folks suffering from the superior wife syndrome, are lower. I’d rather be happy than have expectations met that will really only satisfy my desire to be right and not contribute to the health or happiness of the relationship. How about you?

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For some of us the ritual of setting New Year’s resolutions is an attempt to temporarily assuage the harsh reality of our lifestyle, for others a gleeful renunciation of inconsequential nonsense because…we can. Yet statistics show us that an overwhelming 40% of folks who resolve to better themselves actually achieve their goals! Here are some helpful tips from an enthusiastic veteran of this annual tradition that can help you succeed, too!

 How To Succeed This Year

1) First, you may want to review your last attempt at setting your intentions. Were you successful? Why, or why not? Setting achievable goals is an art. Anyone can set them, but is a different thing all together to achieve them.

2) Want it, bad! I notice when I pick something I want to exclude, heal or change about myself or my life, I am almost always successful when I really and truly want it! Therefore, I am willing to stretch myself and do what it takes to make it happen. So you gotta ask yourself, how much do you really want it?

3) Make a public declaration! You don’t need to alert the press (unless, of course, you feel the need), but you might want to gather a few friends (one could work) and declare your resolve. Surrounding yourself with supportive people is an essential part of any success; always has been, and, as far as I can see, always will be. Got cheerleaders? If not, get some!

4) Post your goals where you can see them! For something to become a habit it takes 40 days of repetition. Put ‘em in a place you will see, until they become as habitual as brushing your teeth. Good idea, put ‘em on your tooth brush. Get creative. My girlfriend gave me a teddy bear with a timer to help me take timeouts!

5) Get back on the horse! Just do it! Look, no one is perfect, and this is never the objective. It’s about practice, about replacing self-defeating habits and behavior with juicy, practical alternatives that move you towards thriving. So, you fall off the horse, brush yourself off and get back on! The sooner, the better. Don’t waste your time beating yourself up. There is no proof that it helps, and is usually a unproductive waste of time!

6) Half time! Mark your calendar/iPhone/whatever, six months out to check in with yourself! Heck, mark your calendar every month with a pop-up, but set it up in advance. Especially if you’re like me, I love little surprises that remind me to feel good about myself!

7) Reward yourself! You deserve it! Think of something that will motivate you throughout the year. Something you want for yourself or maybe your children. Maybe start a retirement or money-market account with all the money you are saving by not buying cigarettes or by partying less. Whatever helps motivate you in healthy ways!

And, in case you were wondering, yes, I have been less judgmental, and am doing my damndest to take everything (including myself) less seriously! As I speak I am sitting in Carmel Valley just overlooking the ocean, about to take a walk with my husband and our dog, Bella, our treat to ourselves for a job well done in 2009.

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A New Adventure

This generation is moving from a focus on the self to a focus on the greater community, and that shift in consciousness indicates that it’s time to redefine ourselves and prioritize according to what is most important for us as a whole. Love is reclaiming its rightful place in the center of our lives, and a new generation is joining hands to face a better future. Is there anything more exciting than the thought of us heading down that road together?

The road is not only the start of a new adventure, it’s a way for us to connect heaven and earth, our hearts and imaginations, and all of our unique gifts and wisdom. If music is what happens between the written nots, then this new collective soul of ours is composing an entirely different song. We are ready now, more than ever, to celebrate who we are and what we have fought for.

My heart is full of thanks for those who have stood beside me during this leg of the journey, as I manifest my desire to mend broken hearts and heal the wounds of suffering. I send love to everyone who has helped with this journey, and to those who have benefited from it. I send love to those who are searching for knowledge, and to those who help provide it. I send love to those who are in a difficult place, who feel frightened and alone, and to those whose hearts are overflowing with a passion for helping. I send love to those who have accompanied us here, who have written in, offered a caring shoulder, stayed with us as we have grown together, and to those who continue to strive for something higher as we head down the road less traveled. These blessings could not have have happened without your continued presence!

Because of the fantastic company I am blessed with this past year, I am really looking forward to the coming year. 2010 is going to be an exciting year for “Ask Maryanne”!

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The holidays have the opportunity to be both inspirational or detrimental to a relationship. If we look around, we’ll find there are so many opportunities to make bad decisions, and the circumstances we surround ourselves with during this time of year certainly don’t help. We’re going to holiday parties, drinking more than normal, stressing out about family, celebrating a new year, socializing beyond our means, eating more than we should and in short, creating an environment that can be potentially hazardous to our relationship.

Holidays And Adultery

There are several major reasons people commit adultery, which I talk about in the book, Adultery- The Forgivable Sin. One of the main ones is to counteract feelings of stress, separation or loss. The holidays can bring ALL these feelings up at once. There’s so much to stress out about, we are easily reminded of loved ones that are no longer with us or of family we find it hard to be around. If your partner isn’t emotionally available during this time, things can get even harder. The solution here is not to let that push you into the arms of someone else, but to work things out with your significant other.

Another reason people stray is due to the biochemical craving for connection. During this time of year, people are more vulnerable and they’re looking for someone to connect with. The good news is, this is also a time of year to reconnect with family and friends, so take advantage of that and share your emotions with someone you’re close to – don’t take it out in the form of an affair.

And of course there are all the outside factors I mentioned briefly above: alcohol, parties, sweets, and so forth. These things in and of themselves lower inhibitions and can make it easier to make a mistake you’ll regret – when taking all together it can be especially dangerous! The best advice here is perhaps the most obvious – know your limits.

Protect Yourself From Holiday Stress

Bad news for candy and chocolate lovers – sweets also have a biochemical effect on stress. Comfort foods plays on stress in a negative way cause more sexual cravings. I know – it’s frustrating that it seems we’re getting assaulted even from our faithful friend, food. But again, being aware of your limits, having people you can share your holiday stresses with, and trying to not become too stressed in the first place are all good ways to protect yourself.

You also might want to practice saying “no” – especially in this economy more and more people are staying in instead of partying, cutting back on gift-giving and hanging out at home with the people who are closest to them. After all, that should be what the season is about, any way!

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If you’re looking for coping strategies for those trying family get-togethers, here are a few tips!

• Accept things the way they are. You are never going to be in full control of the situation anyway, and trying to force people and things to be how you want them to be will only cause anxiety for everyone involved. Instead, try setting aside your reservations about the way things are, and just accept them as-is. You’d be surprised how quickly this one attitude shift can change your outlook for the better.
• Look at situations from other perspectives. Life is a complicated thing, and we each have our own ways of dealing with it. Your brother’s lifestyle choices or your aunt’s behavior when she’s had a couple of glasses of wine may frustrate and embarrass you when you look at it from your own rigid context, but if you can force yourself to step outside your own point of view and look at things in a more flexible way, the less you will feel like judging others. Once you realize that we are all humans who make choices and live with our imperfections, it makes it that much easier to forgive both the little and the big issues you have with others (and with yourself!).
• Get through the hardest times with a minimum of drama. Sometimes there are certain family gatherings where there is anger or bitterness involved, and you think you’d rather have a root canal than spend time with these people. At those times of high tension it can be easy to say or do something that you will regret later. No matter how much you know you’re in the right, let it go at least for now, and let everyone get through the gathering in one piece. Why is maintaining a truce your responsibility? Because you are not that person who always makes things worse; you are the one who makes things better. If you don’t think you can be that person in a particular situation, then maybe it’s better just to skip it altogether, rather than causing a scene.
• Rehearse your lines if necessary. Sometimes the key to not saying the wrong things, is practicing the right things to say. If gems like “congratulations on getting that pole dancing job” or “yes, having your wedding at an amusement park should be entertaining” don’t come out of your mouth naturally, then practice these phrases over and over until you can say them convincingly. You know your family members will ask those embarrassing questions or bring up situations that they may be incredibly excited about. if you find their stories appalling, then you need to plan your reactions ahead of time. This is especially true if you anticipate questions or comments that might upset you – for example if you’ve had a recent break-up, or have gained some weight since the last time people saw you. Be ready for whatever they might say, with a calm and rehearsed response.
• Temper your expectations. Sometimes the reality of a situation is just too much to accept cold turkey, but you can take it in baby steps, a little at a time. Try to cut people some slack and be open to the possibility that something good might come of it. A great technique is to do something to help someone who is worse off than you are. This can foster the spirit of gratitude and help you open your heart, which in turn can help you accept more of what is going on around you.

So really, there is no reason to dread the holidays in particular – think of it as an opportunity to break free of habitual thinking, as you find new ways to face situations where you are faced with painful memories.

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