Is It Wrong To Be Friends With My Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend? (Video)

in person. This is just first contact, and the objective is to get together in person for "a talk".

When you suggest a time and place to get together, keep it simple and non-threatening. Lunch or dinner is a long time to sit with a person you may REALLY not click with. Suggest something simple and non-committal, like maybe getting together for a coffee.

When you do talk with her, whether it’s by email, phone, or in person, be open, warm, and honest. Tell her what you’ve been thinking, and that you’d like to get to know her better. Keep it simple, and always be open and honest.

So send her the email or give her a call and see where it goes. But be prepared to not hear anything back, or to get a very different response than you might have anticipated.

What if your boyfriend finds out you’re talking to his ex?

Whatever you do, be very up front and honest about this with your boyfriend as well, or you’ll put that relationship in jeopardy. Tell him before she does! The last thing you want is for him to think the two of you are somehow going behind his back and conspiring against him or talking about him.

But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you talking with or meeting another person that you’re inspired to get to know.

Your friends and family will probably advise you against talking with her, just because that’s the common societal bias. But this is YOUR call, not anyone else’s. So make your own decision.

Bottom line – don’t listen to others. Always follow YOUR heart!

Here’s a question from a lady in Florida facing this dilemma…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My boyfriend/fiancee and I have been talking for almost a year and a half. He had a weird relationship with his ex and it was always on and off for a year and a half too.

Sometimes I feel like she was such a better person then me and I have a lot of respect for her even though I don’t know her. We run into her a lot, and my boyfriend only says hello to her friends, since they all graduated together. In a way I want to get to know his ex, but don’t want to come off the wrong way to her.

Everyone I know tells me not to try and talk to her and explain that I don’t want the awkward feeling every time we see each other – which isn’t too often. Yet for some reason I want to get to know her. Should I just email her one day, or just listen to everyone and let it be?

– Susan, Florida

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

Don’t forget to Give this video 5 stars on YouTube and Subscribe to Ask Dan And Jennifer so you can stay up to date with all our latest videos.

Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

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Dan and Jennifer are the Founders and Senior Editors of AskDanAndJennifer.com, which has been called "the best and most popular Love and Sex advice column on the Internet today". Their videos are some of the most popular videos on YouTube. Don't forget to ask your dating, love, and sex questions in the Ask Dan and Jennifer - Love, & Sex Forums. You should Fan Dan & Jennifer on Facebook and Follow them on Twitter!

Posted On August 23, 2007 · Filed Under Relationship Advice · Tagged With boyfriend, ex girlfriend, ex wife, exes, friend with ex, friends, previous girlfriend

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Comment Policy: Keep it positive and on topic. Comments will be promptly deleted if that are 1.) spammy (i.e. keyword like "dating tips" in place of your name, 2.) not related to this article, or 3.) in any way offensive or attacking to anyone. It's OK to disagree but it must be in a respectful and positive manner. Thanks!

Wild Bill

Dan and Jennifer I understand where you are coming from with this post I just personally do not feel this advice fits with the usual reality of a breakup.

If my wife tried to make friends with my ex we would more than likely be headed for divorce court. There is a reason I married my wife and not my ex. If my wife meet with my ex I can almost guarantee my ex would do everything possible to poison my marriage and try to break us up.

I believe exs are a sleeping pit bull that is best left alone.

I will admit this post did get me thinking and that is a good thing. Keep it up. I love the site.

Justin

ok, so what about if your girlfriends still friends with all her exs, how do you handle that?

Rich Wilson

I don't think you are even close. When you have spent a long time together, ther's always a good reason. Women more than men tend to render a judgement on the suitability of their men in the first few weeks of a relationship. I feel that for these that end then, your statements do apply. But, after a period of months or even years, Most of the time, I think that one partner wilfully sabotages their relationship, and the victim partner is left with an ultimate rejection, and hatred is an easy answer.

Please do not contact me in any way. I am giving you my address but I do not want any correspondence

Thank You

AV

With all the people on this planet, why would you seek out a ex of your current partner. There is no reason to think the friendship of an ex is any more valuable than another person so why create the possibility of a difficult situation. Bottom line is we break up with people because we don't want to be with them anymore and it isn't unreasonable to expect your partner make her friends elsewhere.

Ashley

I am now married to a wonderful man and I had this exact thing happen to me. my husband had a horrible relationship with his ex but i wanted to know what she was like because im snoopy. I talked to her online a few times but it was weird she ended up going to a mutual friend and asking if what i said was true, nothing bad just that he quit smoking/drinking we had a house and a dog. she had asked me how we were doing so i told her her not believing he was like that went to a friend of ours and asked. when we found out it was too much for us to both handle and I stopped talking to her. the fact she cant accept that he is a good man and a loving husband bothers me to no end so I cut off communication. NOW on the other hand MY ex cheated on me with a girl who I got in contact with a few yrs after the fact to talk to her because he was not a good guy and she still needed to know things, they weren't together anymore but there were things. NOW we very good friends and talk all the time through email due to the fact she moved to a different province. I do not think it is a good idea to get in contact with the person though they are Ex's for a reason and it should remain that way. Most of my husbands ex's have tried to ruin our relationship many times. some weren't over him some didn't want to see him happy. I stuck by his side and we got through it now we are happily married. my advise because i have gone through it is steer clear of the ex.

Gio

You cant look at every situation the same way. Personally, I am not on bad terms with any of my ex's, because that is the way I am.
My reaction to my current partner talking with or becoming friends with one of these girls would, in all situations, make me feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes, people don't want to be around ex's for more reasons than just hating them. There are a couple of girls that it would just hurt to be around, because the pain of losing someone you love, for any reason, sometimes just doesn't go away.
Also, I would be pretty upset if I wasn't consulted about this before communication between the two started. It NOT just HER decision. This was a person that I used to/still care about a lot. It's OUR decision.

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