The Little Known Secret to Getting What You Want From Your Partner

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We often don’t believe that we deserve the things we really want so we don’t do the things that will give us what we want.  Then we blame our partners for not providing it, even though we have not done our part in providing an environment conducive to their being loving!

When we protest, “Why of course I want my partner to be more loving!” Yet we refuse to do the very things that will create the space for them to give us what we want.  We demand, we nag, we criticize and we berate.  We try to make them be what we want. 

NEWS FLASH: You can’t make your partner do anything!

Help Your Partner Help You 

Instead, create an environment that invites them to be what you want them to be.  If you want your partner to be more loving, be more loving to them and verbally appreciate the things they do that make you feel good. Notice the things they do that are attempts to be loving, even if it’s not exactly what you wanted. 

My husband hates it when I leave town.  He is unhappy and for years he acted angry and distant when I was getting ready to leave town.  Yet, he always, without fail, checked my auto fluids and tires before I got on the road.  I saw this as a supremely loving act, in spite of his decidedly unloving angry behaviors.  I let him know how much I appreciated his doing this for me and hugged him. I verbalized it to my friends when they were around to let him know that I was proud of his being so loving toward me.  Now, while he still hates it when I leave town, he is never angry and distant. 

Loving behaviors come in all sorts of forms, and we don’t always have the same idea of what it is to be loving.  When we can notice what our partner is doing in an attempt to show us their love, even if it’s not in the form we want, we can encourage the loving behavior and then ask for what it is we do want. 

Stop Criticizing and Start Praising 

Criticizing focus’s on the negative behavior and leaves the other person feeling unappreciated and devalued.  Praise creates an environment of joy and a desire to please.  When we tell our partners, “I loved it when you did the laundry for me.  It makes me feel so cared for to have someone in my life help me with those kinds of details” it creates a bond of appreciation. 

I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t tell our partners about the things they have done that displease us, I am just saying that the messages should, on balance be more positive than negative.  Letting our partners know what pleases us is positive feedback that creates more of what we want.  Negative feedback (criticism), when it is more frequent than positive feedback (praise) creates the very things we don’t want. It creates an unhappy partner who feels unappreciated and undervalued. 

Share the joy with the people around you who know you and you grow the impact of the praise exponentially.  Let your partner hear you bragging on them to your friends. Tell your partner how your friends reacted to things that you tell them about your fantastic partner.  I guarantee you will get more of what you want through praise and “super praise” (bragging in front of others) than you will ever get through criticism.

Read more great articles from Melody Brooke. 

Featured Author, Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is the author of "Cycles of the Heart: A way out of the egocentrism of everyday life", speaker, workshop presenter and counselor. She is also a Certified Radix Practitioner, Right Use of Power Teacher and InterPlay Teacher. Melody’s 19 years work with individuals, couples and families has provided her with a unique approach to solving clients’ problems.

To find out more about InterPlay and "Cycles of the Heart" go to MelodyBrooke.com.

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