How to untangle the mess 

How do you untangle a mess like this?  Neither fully understands the other’s pain. Both are completely focused on their own needs and their own wounds.  Hearing their story there are few of us that could not feel empathy for each of them; yet they don’t have it for each other.

While sorting out their wounds and re-discovering each other is not simple; the underlying process is really quite simple.  Both “Jim’ and “Shannon” are wounded in complementary and remarkably similar ways. 

Both have had their sexuality interfered with through their early childhood experiences. Both were taught erroneous things about their value as human beings and the meaning of the sexual act.

To survive, Shannon had to adapt to her environment by pretending that her needs don’t matter.  So did Jim.   

But their needs persisted.  Meeting each other’s needs early in their relationship fit right in with their childhood patterns; but continued to require their ignoring their childhood needs.  

This leaves both of them feeling like a victim to the other.  Both fight in self-protective stances to get their needs met by the person they perceive of as the perpetrator of their pain.  

Shannon’s well meaning therapist empathized with the horror of Shannon’s abuse and worked to protect Shannon from further pain by encouraging Shannon to avoid sex with her husband. 

This attempt to rescue Shannon from her pain resulted in Jim being stuck in a situation that mimicked his mother’s rejection and perpetuated his touch deprivation.

Hearts are broken and marriages fail in this process of trying to rescue a survivor wife from a husband who, naturally, wants an active sex life.

The alternative?

Help both partners understand the dynamic between them.  Teach each partner to experience and practice compassion for the other, as well as themselves. Help them to feel their fear of each other and to accept that fear as a part of the natural development of intimacy, not something to be avoided or disowned.

Encourage them to allow their own feelings to flow in the presence of the other and teach the other to accept and support each other’s pain, sorrow, and joy.

Encourage them to touch each other often in non-sexual ways. Encourage them to learn what healthy sexuality really is: a chance to experience each other fully and joyfully.  The process may be painful and difficult; but the result is the ability to love and be loved.

To learn more about Melody Brooke, visit OhWowThisChangesEverything.com.

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