“Have you got some time to talk about something that’s been on my mind?”

“I have something that’s been bothering me and I would like to be able to talk about it to you without making you feel wrong. Do you feel up to listening right now?”

When you communicate the upset, take responsibility for it by phrasing it from your own perspective, not directed at your partner.  E.g. “I find that I feel upset when I see you _________”, “My feelings get hurt when I notice ________ .”  “It’s been seeming to me like you tend to ignore our daughter when she tries to tell you something, and I’d like to know if you feel that is happening, maybe you can help me understand what you feel is going on.”

Now, a lot of this depends on what sort of person your partner is. If you are with someone who under no circumstances can entertain the slightest hint that anything they do could possibly be improved, or is anything less than perfect, well, you’ve got troubles. (It is always EXTREMELY smart to make sure before you get into a relationship that the someone you have got your eye on is actually someone who is willing to correct mistakes and learn from them, and understands that no one does anything perfectly the first time.)

But if you have a reasonably confident well-balanced partner you should find no difficulty in establishing some ground rules as above to allow you to communicate about differences in viewpoint without starting a war. Just make sure it starts with an agreed on frame of reference so your partner is aware it’s “sort-out time” coming up.

And as much as possible make sure they are in a position to give you their undivided attention, with sufficient time to complete the discussion, before you launch into it. Five minutes before you leave to go to a party is probably not a good time!

Remember one of the vital points on this, when discussing your issue, leave out the word “you” as much as possible. Keep it to how YOU feel about whatever it is. Not what they did or said but the reaction of feeling you had about it. The word “you” can very easily sound accusative and become accusative.

And be as specific as possible about what is upsetting you. “I feel upset because you always burn the dinner” is not workable if it’s an exaggeration and therefore untrue! “I got upset when you burned the dinner twice last week and I wondered if there’s some way I can help you so that doesn’t happen” would provoke less reaction than the first statement.

Practice this if you need to. Even in front of the mirror. If you have old habits maybe ingrained from copying parents or from earlier relationships it may take some work – but it’s worth it –much less stressful!

There’s another much deeper secret about all this but it will have to wait for another article, this is enough for now.

Marianne Torrence is a clearing facilitator, personal development specialist and SuperTeaching trainer, providing in-depth and highly effective techniques and systems to “clear out your mental closets”; involving procedures which substantially reduce stress.

With 35 years of experience, Marianne delivers over 40 different programs covering a wide variety of issues people have such as unwanted limiting beliefs, removal of negative energy from traumatic incidents, relationship difficulties, communication ability enhancement, personal integrity makeover, attitude transformation, and bettering communication with their bodies.

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