Having been in this exact same situation I feel compelled to comment. Beyond any moral or religious hangups you may have against having sex with another man despite having your husband's permission, there are several other points to consider.

The first point is how will your husband feel when you actually say you will go through with it? My ex husband swore it would be fine with him as long as he didn't know about it, but when he eventually found out that I was seeing someone (which is bound to happen despite your best efforts to conceal it) he did a 180 and started acting like the jealous cuckold. It might be easy for your husband to be so gracious as to give you permission to see other men before you've actually seen one, but after the fact he might feel much differently. And don't think he won't be able to sense that you are seeing someone even if he has no direct proof, either.

The second point is how will you feel going behind your husband's back? OK, he gave you his permission so it's not like you're really cheating but having to sneak around and hide this from him might feel to you too much like betraying him. Whether you are religious or not you can still feel this way because it's an issue of honesty and openness, not necessarily of fidelity. I personally could never live with myself for going behind my husband's back even though he told me to do it. Your husband's saying he doesn't want to know about it only puts you in the position of feeling like a cheater because you're hiding it from him. And in my case that feeling never went away, especially after he sensed that I was seeing someone and I sensed his jealousy over it. All of a sudden it wasn't OK with him anymore and then I REALLY felt like I was cheating on him. Bad situation all around.

The third point is one of personal fulfillment. What do you really want from a relationship? I don't know about you, but I am one of those people who wants the "whole enchilada" with someone or nothing at all. I can't live happily getting part of a romantic relationship from one man and part from another. I will tend to feel unfulfilled in BOTH relationships because neither one is "complete" enough for me. And again, this is not a religious conditioning thing at all. I am not a Roman Catholic nor was I especially indoctrinated by anyone to believe in monogamy either. I think you should ask yourself whether you really need everything from one man or whether you can be happy getting essential aspects of a relationship from different men. I tried to be a person who could get those things from more than one man but found out after the fact that I was not cut out for it. So don't kid yourself. If it doesn't feel right for you admit that to yourself. Don't let anyone tell you it's your "religious indoctrination" that is preventing you from being "free" enough to see other men. It may just not be satisfying for you to go through with it, regardless of your religious conditioning.

The third point is that as a woman you might be less able than a man to keep your feelings for the other man separate from your feelings for your husband. You may feel confused and torn, and eventually want to leave your husband over it. Do you really want to risk putting yourself in such a situation? We have all heard that women are not as good as men at "compartmentalizing" their relationships, and I have found that this is true for me. I realize that there are women out there who can keep these things separate and not ruin either relationship, but are YOU one of them? As a man your husband may think you can be more like him and be able to have sex outside of your marriage without it affecting your feelings for him. Otherwise he would probably have never given you permission to do so. But what if you DO start to have feelings for the other man that begin to eclipse your feelings for your husband? How will your husband feel about THAT? How will YOU feel about that especially if you start to feel like you want to be with the other man full time? These are questions you need to ask yourself and answer honestly before going through with seeing another man.

Anyway, as someone who has been down this road I thought I should give you some important things to consider before getting into any kind of relationship with another man. You may end up ruining your marriage in an attempt to save it if you can't keep your feelings for the other man from eclipsing your feelings for your husband. My opinion is that if you are a basically monogamous type regardless of religious indoctrination, seeing someone else will not be the answer to your fulfillment or to saving your marriage. In fact it can backfire big time. Unfortunately as I found out, despite loving your husband and wanting it to work out, going outside the relationship might only hurt you and the relationship in the long run even despite having "permission" to do so. Having permission doesn't necessarily make it the best thing for you or your relationship, as my experience shows. If you are one of those people who can have a relationship "just for sex", fine, but if not, then you are asking for trouble. And don't tell yourself that you are able to handle it just because you haven't had any sex in 12 years and want desperately to believe it. I did that myself and eventually realized that I wanted to be that way in order to find an "easy" way to solve a difficult relationship problem, but in reality I was not cut out for it at all. And once again, I am not unable to handle it because of any religious hangups!

Anyway, best of luck to you!

Hey Ronnie,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and personal experiences on this topic, and in such depth.

Those are some really excellent questions to consider - fact is, this is a VERY complex topic with very serious potential ramifications for the relationship.

Have an awesome day!
Dan & Jennifer

I have 1 phrase for this :

"BOW CHIKA BOW WOW"

... yeah what a great contributor I am. Let's just let the above phrase summarize the many different perspectives and analysis I would have of such situation.

I don't know,.. seems like its too good to be true, and whenever anything is too good to be true, it's usually more of a hassle then its worth..

... all it all, i gotta agree with Mr Jeff Kee..

A relationship can often go stale but that doesn't mean you have to cheat. Draw a line on a piece of paper and on one side right the reasons you fell in love with this person in the first place and on the other write what appears to keep you from feeling the way you once did. Put the paper away for 24 hours and then re-read it and see if you feel the same, if so, make a time to discuss it and create a plan for making it better. If you get no response from your partner - you can't fix it alone.

Hey feelingflirty,

Welcome, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Just one point I'd like to touch on, since the word "cheating" is so widely thrown around.

From our perspective, it's only "cheating" if your partner doesn't know you're doing it, or doesn't agree to your doing it. Cheating is a breaking of trust or an agreement, not the act of giving and/or receiving sexual pleasure from one other than your partner.

Otherwise all the millions of swingers worldwide would be cheating on their partners, with everyone amazingly ecstatic about all the cheating.

Have an awesome day!
Dan & Jennifer

Hi Dan and Jennifer,

Thanks for the compliment on my post. You bring up an interesting point. While I agree with you that it's not *cheating* if your partner consents to it, whether it is being *unfaithful* is another issue. Monogamists often consider any sex outside the relationship to constitute infidelity (or adultery if it's a marriage) whether there is permission to engage in it or not. It's the very act of being with other partners that earns it the title of infidelity, and even the divorce laws in some states support that definition. Polyamorists and swingers may not see any necessary correlation between sexual (or even emotional) fidelity in a relationship and sexual exclusivity with that partner, but those who are monogamous by nature often do.

feelingflirty - what if the piece of paper says

"he's sexy and he's great in bed and he has a way of making me feel very sexy and beautiful and alive."

???

What then?

You could criticize me for being shallow but a good sexual kinship, in my opinion, is a very very very important part of a relationship and if one's shelf-life expires before the other it could be a problem.

Is it possible that this ladies husband has had some discretions of his own? Like maybe he's been doing this himself for some time. I can see medical reasons preventing intercourse. But their are different things you can do sexually.