If, instead, we recognize what our old brain is telling us is not really true, that we are not really in danger and that our partner is not really our enemy, we have a chance to save our marriage.   

What we can do is to choose to move ourselves out of the Victim role and see our partner not as our perpetrator, but as another human being who has feelings and is hurting themselves.  We offer them empathy for the pain they are in, too.   

To do this, we have to risk becoming vulnerable. We let down our protective barriers when we stop and think, “Wow, he’s really hurting.” We allow ourselves to respect that they are doing the best they can to communicate their pain.  Then we own our part in what has happened.  

This does not mean taking the blame. This means accepting that whatever we did triggered a reaction in our partner that was painful for them, even if that was not our intent.  It means saying to our partner, “I’m sorry, I can see that you are upset by what I said (or did). Can you tell me more?”  This offers them an opening to tell us about their feelings and to understand more fully how we impacted them.  

By doing this simple thing: offering our partner our empathy and respect while owning our part in the conflict, we change the way our brain perceives the situation.  It moves us out of our old brain survival mechanism and back into connection with our partner. From this, we can then become partners in solving the mutual problem of the hurt feelings on both sides of the equation.  Moving ourselves toward connection instead of away from it in the old brain fashion exponentially increases the odds of achieving marital success.  

Featured Author, Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is the author of "Cycles of the Heart: A way out of the egocentrism of everyday life", speaker, workshop presenter and counselor. She is also a Certified Radix Practitioner, Right Use of Power Teacher and InterPlay Teacher. Melody’s 19 years work with individuals, couples and families has provided her with a unique approach to solving clients’ problems. 

To find out more about InterPlay and "Cycles of the Heart" go to www.melodybrooke.com. 

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