coming from a place of recognizing that there are no “ bad guys”; only people who are “doing the best they can” given their circumstances.  We do a great injustice to our clients and to the families of our clients when we take the position of naming someone as the “bad guy” and someone else as the “victim.” Yet often this is exactly what takes place in therapy.

How can we stay married to someone who we think of as our enemy, as  “the bad guy”? The difficult thing is figuring out that this is happening. When we are in therapy and we are being supported in our position and our partner is behaving badly, it is easy to think that we are indeed “the victim”.  Maybe we even are actually “the victim” of their bad behavior.  But to remain there without making the effort to embrace the humanity of the other person is doing them and ourselves a terrible disservice.

If you are in therapy and have found yourself thinking of divorce, please pay attention.  Are you finding yourself thinking a lot about how your partner is treating you badly and that you “don’t deserve it”?  Are you keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself, or just sharing them with your therapist or your friends and not your partner?  Has the trust between you and your partner disintegrated since entering therapy?

Have you brought your partner into therapy only to have them storm out?  This tends to happen when our therapist has taken on the position of “the rescuer” and is now ganging up with you on your partner.  The result then is that your partner feels defensive and angry in the therapy session because they know that you have been talking about them and are unhappy with them. 

Often this happens to husbands. Then men get the bad rap of not wanting to participate in therapy.  Who would want to go into a situation in which they know that they are going to be criticized? That’s what these brave guys do when they attend even one session. When they get overwhelmed and storm out then we label them as uncooperative.

The bottom line is this: when you go into therapy, take your partner.  It will bring you closer together if from the beginning you work on your issues with them present. It will allow your partner to learn how to respond to your emotional needs by watching the therapist. It will allow you both to discover things about yourselves that you did not know. It will bring you closer, and it may also save your marriage.

Read more great articles from Melody Brooke. 

Featured Author, Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is the author of "Cycles of the Heart: A way out of the egocentrism of everyday life", speaker, workshop presenter and counselor. She is also a Certified Radix Practitioner, Right Use of Power Teacher and InterPlay Teacher. Melody’s 19 years work with individuals, couples and families has provided her with a unique approach to solving clients’ problems. 

To find out more about InterPlay and "Cycles of the Heart" go to www.melodybrooke.com.

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